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RE: Jealousy - 10/22/2010 11:06:03 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pleasememore

My master is looking for another Sub. I know he loves me but it's killing me. I hate it. I know he needs to do it, but I just wish it were over with. Am I wrong as a Submissive to feel this way. Please tell me.

As a poly individual, I can honestly say that I don't think that you're "wrong" to feel whatever it is that you're feeling -- however, I -do- think that you may be involved in a -relationship- that is wrong FOR YOU.

As several others have said, it is unrealistic to go into a relationship with someone who is openly poly with the idea that "maybe it won't really happen". It's no flaw in you that he is following his heart... it's just part of the poly nature, and he's been honest and above-board about it from the get-go. Now you have to ask yourself a question. If this is truly killing you, it may be that you'll need to walk away. That happens sometimes in relationships, when the partners end up going in divergent directions. On the other hand, it may be possible that, if you talk with him about this, the two of you together can find a way to do this that will be more comfortable for you while you learn about poly and get your "poly" legs under you. You -will- have to make a decision, though. He was honest about his nature from the start, so if being true to your own nature means that you will not be able to abide him being true to -his- nature... well... then its time to let go.

Calla

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: Jealousy - 10/22/2010 11:10:24 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

but to state you are poly when in fact you are single just sounds like a wish to me...

Ranja,

I disagree with this statement. Whether I am single, in a dyad, or in a multi-person relationship, I am poly. I've known since before I was in -any- kind of relationship that I couldn't see myself bound to only one person -- and I told my ex husband this before we ever married, and we worded our vows to allow for the very real possibility that someone else would come into our lives/relationship.

I think the fact that he was single is irrelevant -- he knew what his goal was... a poly relationship.. and he was honest about that. I think that if someone knows that xhe wasn't going to be happy in a poly relationship at the start of the relationship, and just hoped it wouldn't happen, then xhe deceived not only hirself, but the other person as well.

Calla

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***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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Post #: 62

RE: Jealousy - 10/22/2010 11:21:08 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

Aqua, the op didn't say one way or the other. I was just wondering how and why he brought it up right this moment. It seems odd that he suddenly announces he's searching for someone else when he wasn't last week. Being a devout cynic, I'm assuming he's been chatting to someone without her knowledge.

Again, lots of experience speaking here. I can go for months or YEARS without wanting to add anyone to our family -- and then I do... For example, for the past few years things have been REALLY hectic in our household and we've gone through a lot of "mobius-type" activity... in the process, most of our servants who were with us for training 'graduated' to other situations with more permanence than what we'd offered, and, as they left, we didn't replace them... INTENTIONALLY... because things were just way too "roller-coaster" and it didn't feel right to me to bring more people into that situation. In the end, our household broke down to just myself and SR in our little branch of House Bladewing... HOWEVER, that in _no_ way meant that I was suddenly monogamous.

It's been 2 years since we've opened our household to a new servant, and about a month ago, I looked at SR and said "I'm going to start looking for a new servant for us." Just like that -- we were watching a movie, and it just came up out of nowhere. The thing is, it really -wasn't- out of nowhere.... because I've always known what I am, and I've always been honest about that, and that night, I felt good enough about how things had fleshed out for us that I felt comfortable saying "Hey, let's open things up again."

I see nothing nefarious in this -- and, in fact, I usually recommend a year between new additions, so the timing is pretty on-the-money, from the experiences that I've had in adding new members to an existing household.

Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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Post #: 63

RE: Jealousy - 10/23/2010 6:07:45 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

As for cheating being poly, I'm afraid it doesn't work like that and I'm not aware of anyone who is poly that considers cheating the same thing. The dishonesty that makes the difference tends to make a lot of poly people cringe. Being poly removes the deception from the situation, which can often be more damaging to a primary relationship than the external relationship that someone has chosen to engage. Often, it's the lying and broken trust that is far more hurtful to a person than the actual details of what happened between the other parties.

Ranja, if you actually think you have any inclination towards poly in the slightest, I'd suggest getting involved in online poly communities. There you will discover a great deal of frustration, annoyence, and anger towards those who believe cheating is ok and is polyamory.

I know that you think is cheating ok and that's great for you. But that doesn't mean that it's polyamory.

I agree that cheating is not in anyway ideal and that it is nicer if things can be above board always, however that is not an option for everybody.
I understand that people who are openly poly like to think that it should be this way and this way only, unfortunately there is no rule book on how to be an 'officially accepted poly person'... as i said before, poly just means more, in my book it includes some cheaters and it is not very important to me that some other poly people take offence to that.
I shall not get involved in any poly community as i am fine with my life and my understanding of things as it is, but thank you for the suggestion Aqua.

Calla thank you for your insight

I hope the op gets things sorted out

i am off on holiday now...

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Post #: 64

RE: Jealousy - 10/23/2010 7:16:22 AM

Pleasememore

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/23/2010
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Thank you all for your great posts. I really can't tell you how much I appreciated you all taking time out of your busy days and nights to read my post and respond. I read carefully what so many of you had to say. Yes I knew this is what he wanted, my Master has always been open and honest with me. And YES I thought it was what I wanted, but I fell in love with my Master and suddenly didn't want to share him with anyone else. As I told him, the heart and the head don't always work together.

I know now I was wrong. And I fully intend to stay with him while he seeks out another Sub. I will support him and continue to serve and love him. His happiness is truly what I want.

Thank you all again!

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RE: Jealousy - 10/23/2010 7:43:12 AM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

I agree that cheating is not in anyway ideal and that it is nicer if things can be above board always, however that is not an option for everybody.
I understand that people who are openly poly like to think that it should be this way and this way only, unfortunately there is no rule book on how to be an 'officially accepted poly person'... as i said before, poly just means more, in my book it includes some cheaters and it is not very important to me that some other poly people take offence to that.
I shall not get involved in any poly community as i am fine with my life and my understanding of things as it is, but thank you for the suggestion Aqua.

Calla thank you for your insight

I hope the op gets things sorted out

i am off on holiday now...

The difference between poly and cheating is the openness. As you are not involved with the poly community and have no desire to be, you really have no bead on what is and is not accepted by the poly community.

You are entitled to your opinion of what makes a person poly of course. It would just be nice if you based it on some research into poly families and how they work.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/23/2010 7:44:14 AM >

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Post #: 66

RE: Jealousy - 10/23/2010 7:46:54 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pleasememore

Thank you all for your great posts. I really can't tell you how much I appreciated you all taking time out of your busy days and nights to read my post and respond. I read carefully what so many of you had to say. Yes I knew this is what he wanted, my Master has always been open and honest with me. And YES I thought it was what I wanted, but I fell in love with my Master and suddenly didn't want to share him with anyone else. As I told him, the heart and the head don't always work together.

I know now I was wrong. And I fully intend to stay with him while he seeks out another Sub. I will support him and continue to serve and love him. His happiness is truly what I want.

Thank you all again!

Good luck. This is going to be hard a path for you but it's a walkable one. See about getting involved with local kink groups and local poly groups. It helps to talk to people who have been before. And to make some friends with whom you can safely vent your frustrations and your jealousy.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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Post #: 67