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once again, limits - 10/20/2010 8:15:10 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		It has been brought to my attention that monogamy and honesty can be considered limits.

I have been "violated" again, of both.

If I require honesty and want monogamy and the man has betrayed me with both, why would these be limits?

3 1/2 years ago these were his requirements of me.

Is this a man thing or do I now have to state my very hard limits to include honesty and monogamy?
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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 8:21:30 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have never had to mention honesty, but I sort of get a feel for that as I get to know someone face to face.  But monogamy.. if that is your preference it is best to make that known soon.  It is silly to let yourself fall in love with someone who means to move on or explore a poly lifestyle.
IF I am wanting to let someone in my life on a serious basis it is one of the first things we discuss as a couple who plans to commit.

(in reply to RealSub58)
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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 8:22:33 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		I see nothing wrong with those being hard limits for you. It's a two way road....if he can't live with that, then you have your own decisions to make.

(in reply to RealSub58)
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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 8:24:45 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		Commitment is scary.

Edit: On this site, you may as well mention monogamy in your profile.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 10/20/2010 8:27:11 PM >

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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 8:36:15 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I see nothing wrong with those being hard limits for you. It's a two way road....if he can't live with that, then you have your own decisions to make.


HE required honesty at all times as well as total monogamy 3 1/2 ago from me and I agreed.  It was a cut and dry decision between both of us.  I have kept my part of the bargain.     

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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 8:39:25 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		He's doing what the dynamics call for, pushing the limits. The question is, are you ready for those limits to be pushed?

(in reply to RealSub58)
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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 8:48:39 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

He's doing what the dynamics call for, pushing the limits. The question is, are you ready for those limits to be pushed?


I finally got your point Annie, thanks.

The dynamics were never to push those limits and yes, I do have a choice.

(in reply to anniezz338)
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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 8:54:47 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		If monogomy and honesty are hard non breakable limits, any one with a lick of honor, doesn't get to just start pushing the limits, and I disagree that a dom sub relationship calls for limit pushing as the dynamic.


If I was to sub to daddy, he'd never decide, ok now I am the dom and suddenly 4 years later what I demanded  or we agreed on an said no longer counts, I am going to push your limits, I agreed to respect, with out your permission.
quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

He's doing what the dynamics call for, pushing the limits. The question is, are you ready for those limits to be pushed?


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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 9:01:20 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		To break honesty is to me, to break the very foundation of trust, which all of this is built on. I agree on that one all the way.

And everyone is different. I want to push my limits. It's what draws me to this lifestyle.

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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 9:03:44 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		I am monogamous and spent nearly 9 years married to a man who lied as easily as he breathed. Any Dom who lies to me or cheats will hit the curb, with my boot print on his ass, so fast it will make his Domly head spin. Lying and cheating are rock hard limits for me, and pushing them is not ever going to be acceptable.

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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 9:14:56 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Honesty, well that's basic relationship stuff.  How can you trust one who is not honest with you?  Monogamy, that could be a limit, but it is also one that, in time, one or both of you may decide you want to push or even get rid of.  Relationships grow and change over time and part of that often includes a change in the boundaries too.  The problem arises when one crosses a line that the other wasn't willing to cross.  Clearly that is the case for you.  The question is what the next step needs to be though it seems you've arrived at that decision as well.  I'm sorry for the pain you are in and hope you can find healing and move on.  All my best!

lovingpet  

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RE: once again, limits - 10/20/2010 9:16:08 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I'm all for pushing limits to, provided they're not hard non negotiable limits and he knows that And he's sure not going to just decide one day what we agreed on doesn't count any more with out discussion on changing the rules of the game..  but man  gonna be sorry if he starts trying to push hard non negotiable limits. They're in place for a very good reason, and that's because those area's are not ok to trespass in for health,  morals, ethical reasons, or saftey reasons. No good will come out of trying to push those.
quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

To break honesty is to me, to break the very foundation of trust, which all of this is built on. I agree on that one all the way.

And everyone is different. I want to push my limits. It's what draws me to this lifestyle.


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One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to anniezz338)
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RE: once again, limits - 10/21/2010 3:22:44 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		RealSub, my sympathies.

I cannot imagine anyone who does not have dishonesty or cheating as a limit.  But poly does have to be specified as a hard limit.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: once again, limits - 10/21/2010 6:35:38 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

He's doing what the dynamics call for, pushing the limits. The question is, are you ready for those limits to be pushed?


I finally got your point Annie, thanks.

The dynamics were never to push those limits and yes, I do have a choice.



IMO, there is no need for dishonesty in Ds or Ms.  the option for poly is there to be discussed openly.  many subs have found themselves in relationships where suddenly the mono gets pushed to poly.  the issue is about communication, giving the sub/slave a chance to discuss, express and ultimately leave of their own free will if it isnt an option for them at all.  i think it is possible to go from mono to poly but im getting the feeling that is not what happened here.

no discussion, no option and he's been cheating behind youre back.  since there is no excuse for that here, as ive said above, id be pretty upset too.

youre guy has done this arseways, if that is the case.

i used to be powerfully mono but im open to poly now - HOWEVER - that does not mean id be comfortable in a relationship with a man who is having multiple sex partners (diseases and stuff) - trust starts to get a kicking when stuff like this kicks up - and i echo DS, im sorry that after 3.5 years you find youreself in this hurtful place.

double standards stink. xx

< Message edited by lally2 -- 10/21/2010 6:37:17 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: once again, limits - 10/21/2010 9:06:07 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Steven those who cheat on their spouse n then lie probably dint have lying n cheating as hard limits. Seeing as how can you when you lie all the time. In that case lying ncheating as a limit would be hypocritical.


Note now you in this post is generic you. Not you ds

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One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

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RE: once again, limits - 10/21/2010 9:41:17 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Since when are limits supposed to be broken, just because? Here, they aren't to be. They don't get pushed because pushing is done hoping to break them. Nobody ever says "tonight we're going to a swinger's club" in the hopes that their partner will say "no fucking way" in order to respond "Whew, I'm so glad you're sticking to your word".

My dynamic does not include bald faced lying. And anyone who accepts a limit while having a secret agenda of 'pushing' it is lying.

Now people do change, but the honorable thing in that case is to communicate the change and allow the other person to do what they need to do for themselves. Not to try to force someone else to break their own  moral code in an attempt to have your cake and eat it too.

My condolences, OP.


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RE: once again, limits - 10/21/2010 10:55:13 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Everyone has limits you have to decide when breaking same. Even in vanilla relationships where your boundaries are. If he is lying and you won't put up with it the there is a door if you feel you can and have to leave then do so. The monogamy idea is the same. The problem with the concept ofmonogamy is sometimes people change or want to explore new things. Maybe he's changed his mind. The fact is whether you like it or not he now wants something different than what he did 3.5 years ago when you started the relationship. Now. You have to decide both of you. Can you compromise and still remain in the relationship or are your differences too great and you need to consider ending the relationship.
For me my limit tends to be hey if you are going to do something you know I will object to or be upset about TELL me about it do I can then decide what I need to do.
The lying to me is different from the monogamy issue. But you have to decide as does he what each of you need and want and then see if your relationship is worth compromising on or if it's better to find someone new who better fits your needs now.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 10/21/2010 10:57:51 AM >

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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: once again, limits - 10/21/2010 11:17:19 AM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		Sounds like the monogamy limit is causing the honesty issue. Sometimes our limits cause issues with even naturally assumed limits. Sounds like a married man having an affair. Don't want to lose the wife, so I guess cheating is the only answer.

(in reply to barelynangel)
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RE: once again, limits - 10/21/2010 3:53:23 PM   
LadyRian


Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		I have to say; Cheating is a lousy answer. Divorce is a much better answer.

However, this can also be something oft promised and  one can be constantly assured that it's becoming a reality, and then, lo and behold, it all turns out to be BS.

You can trust a thief as far as you can see one. You can't trust a liar that far. Some guys seem to get off on betrayal, or feel "entitled" or something. Nobody ever sees it coming until it happens to them.


I'm so sorry your limits were violated.


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RE: once again, limits - 10/21/2010 6:43:22 PM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		Cheating and lying are never ok, as several other people have said. They have nothing to do with limits, and no one should have to say that they're limits under any circumstances. Anyone who tells you that you should have clarified in the beginning that you had a hard limit of dishonesty should be summarily thrown off a building.

I'm running out of patience for the people on CM trying to pretend cheating has anything to do with poly. Poly should be something you are very, very honest about with your partner - no one should be unclear at any point about their needs on the issue, and if something changes, your partner should know about that immediately. Cheating involves lying and sneaking around, and has nothing to do with poly.

(in reply to LadyRian)
Profile   Post #: 20
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