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CaringandReal -> RE: Telling a mistress/master what to do? (10/24/2010 9:11:19 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: behavingbadly
what's wrong with testing?
quote:
ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
... you remind me very much of those submissives who say "prove your dominance over ME". For me, that wouldn't work. I understand that I work to earn everyone's respect, whether it be as a father, a friend, a doctor, a dominant. If you respect me, then you recognize my dominance...whether it is over you or not...
This is the chicken or the egg point, for me. At the very start of a relationship particularly one established online, a dominant cannot successfully assume that a submissive is going to see immediately that s/he is worthy of respect. Even if the dominant has a brilliant profile, a submissive, particularly a submissive experienced with meeting others online, is going to have already run across dozens of dominants with equally interesting, intriguing, utterly straightforward, sterling profiles who acted nothing at all like what their profile claimed. It was all a lie, a posture, self-delusion, perhaps they even had a sub friend ghostwrite that remarkable piece to make them look like god's gift to submissives.
At that very delicate early stage where anything that can go wrong will, a sensible dominant will, I would think, assume that the submissive has no reason to automatically respect him or her and that some effort must be put into demonstrating what is self-evident to you to the other party. I think another reasonable expectation would be that some of that "discovery" work will occur on the submissive's part, partiularly if he or she is intensely interested in you, and will involve probing, perhaps gently, perhaps crudely sometimes, at whatever assertions the dominant makes about control, to see if they are actually believed or enforced or empty words designed to impress. These probes can be done in all sincerity, not with a desire to trick the dominant, but rather in the strong hope that their "trickery" (such as it is) will be seen through and that the response to it will be appropriate. They tend to happen very early in the relationship when all the basic questions still loom large, have a limited scope, and stop when the submissive is satisfied that the dominant is enough of what they claim that the sub can risk letting her guard down. The time it takes for this to happen will vary from submissive to submissive, of course, as it has to do with how well they know how to recognize genuine signs of control.
Open, honest, and direct communication is fantastic, as long as both parties are on board and able to participate in it. Ask a man or woman who just decided out of the blue for god knows what reason that they are Mr. or Ms. Uber Dom (but they have never actually tested that theory) or better yet, ask one of the many people here not to control someone's life but to get something else (vanilla sex with no strings, money and gifts, whatever) through the pretense of offering control, and in many cases, due to their own personal agendas, these people will try to tell you exactly what you want to hear. And if your own profile is honest and detailed, they may have a very good idea of what they need to say: you've handed them the script, so to speak.
However it may clash with the self-regard of someone who knows they are the genuine article and are doing their best to communicate this to strangers through a great profile or written communications, the proof of this particular pudding is still very much in the eating. "Can you control me?" is a legitimate question but to fully answer it you must do so in a form other than (or in addition to) a simple verbal declaration. It suprises me how many dominants I encounter in the personal ads who understand this point fully in regards to submissives or even to other dominants and how those others should behave, but then turn around and take deep offense or umbrage at a submissive who suggests she needs more than just the dominant's "word" that they are who they say they are. Someone's word, after all, is worthless until you know them well enought to accurately assess its value.
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