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Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 3:32:01 PM

openmindedslave

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Recently I was reading the doms threads about their desire to leave places like collar me due to the type of subs/slaves that contact them. The question at hand has to do with the other side of the coin, being the subs/slaves on here and the problems they discover in finding a dom to be with . Do you believe that the expectations are differnt for subs than doms ? Do you find any similar issues have come up again and again with those that you have contacted for consideration??
Please share your thoughts

Post #: 1

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 3:49:18 PM

Reasonable

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I've found that it's due to the child like mentality of many subs,mixed with a lot of unfocused/hedonistic,sociopathic behavior.

A dominant with experience realizes at gut level that they really don't weild actual power-we have it drummed into us constantly-we have to suffer limitations for an illusory gain. Subs come to us 'wanting' some sort of fullfillment.

Often, they expect a Dominant to meet some sort of fantasy they have constructed in thier minds. This is a first offense-and a degredation. It immediately objectifies the Top, and begins to put overt pressure on them. Another issue is maintanence. We have lives to lead apart from our subs. It's very distressing to get busy-and then have a sub undergoing an emotional melt down over you missing your daily call.

So a big part of this is about balance-do you give as good as you get? No one likes feeling taken advantage of, and drained. Pretty much everything subs whine about, Dominants have to endure as well. We simply have to put on the illusion that it doesn't matter as much.

Don't objectify us,we are people.

Not commodities to be consumed.

< Message edited by Reasonable -- 4/26/2006 3:50:19 PM >

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 2

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 3:49:51 PM

MasterFireMaam

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From: Charleston, WV
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I think that people get frustrated here for the same reason they get frustrated at other things in life. When we find that things aren't meeting our expectations, we get frustrated. It doesn't really have anything to do with Ds or collarme. However, I think that this being an internet world where fantasy truly abounds does play a factor. Fantasies can oft times be very hard to fulfill!

Fire

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(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 3

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 3:54:34 PM

bandit25

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Yes, there are many subs with a childlike mentality, but it is encouraged by many doms. Personally, my ex dom encouraged me to lean on him for just about everything. I underwent a meltdown (of sorts) one day and he complained. I pointed out to him that it is very confusing to be told to bring all my problems to him only for him to tell me not to bother him. Of course, this needs to be balanced. I'm not a particularly needy person. I was just having a bad day. He agreed, apologized and we went on with our lives.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 4

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 4:10:13 PM

heartfeltsub

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quote:

I've found that it's due to the child like mentality of many subs,mixed with a lot of unfocused/hedonistic,sociopathic behavior.

Maybe it is just me, but it doesn't seem like you have a very high opinions of submissives.

That aside to answer the original question, online whether for Doms or subs are filled with people who are not necessarily honest nor emotionally stable regardless of the online forum. The same can be said in real life and frustration in investing in a person only to have he or she not be who they have said they are or just not be the connection that we are looking for has led to comments about the "level of subs" in CM from Doms and the "level of Doms" from subs.

(in reply to Reasonable)

Post #: 5

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 4:25:08 PM

Reasonable

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I go by my past experience. Of around a decade,rl. What do you base your conclusions on?

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Post #: 6

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 4:32:51 PM

heartfeltsub

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The same thing experience, there is no corner on that particular market.

(in reply to Reasonable)

Post #: 7

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 4:35:26 PM

Darkraven6

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Joined: 3/5/2006
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I have a problem with Dom/Masters that contact me at times. I try sincerly to be nice, polite and such, as is my nature, as well, I try to reply back to everyone...only, that seems to be taken as a "I now belong to you" right away. Ive been at times ordered not to talk to anyone else as well. Thats, rather impossible to do, when you have more then one Dom/Master wishing to talk to you. I dont wish to earn anyones displeasure right out of the gate, and feel that its unfair to me and puts me in a situation I dont quite care for. I feel this is a very good way to find a Dom/Master that shares some of the same intrests and views that I do. I as well, have been faced with Dom/Masters that feel I belong to them right away and insist that I act as though I do. I cant help but feel, and yes, this is just my view, and possibly its not what others feel, but, Id no sooner go home with a total stranger, or marrie someone simply after talking with them once or twice, then commit to a Dom/Master after just meeting them or talking to them once or twice. Yet, I keep running into this situation. Im not someone who plays games, and Im extreamly open and honest when Im talking with a prospective Dom/Master. I as well, always try to remind them politely that there are others I am talking with a well. That this is not a situation that I take lightly, as its a very honest desire I have to find a Dom/Master. I guess, I just wish, that in future conversations, or when I meet a Dom/Master, it wouldnt simply be taken for granted that because we are talking, I all of a sudden belong to them. Im not saying I wish to drag things out forever...it would just be nice, to be allowed time to adjust to someone, see if we do mesh, and or click. After all, I may not be what they want, or we may seek totally different things...one seldom really knows just by talking with another once or twice only. As well, I dont take making a commitment to a Dom/Master lightly...so for me...its an important issue, not one to be rushed, or taken for granted.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 8

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 4:42:45 PM

Kirei

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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I can say why I have a problem with the doms/dommes on here and with most in general by the words of recently released song......."Speak the truth or make your peace some other way....". I find that many are just as mixed up or confused about what they want, or need as many of the subs/alaves are that are on here. I prefer talking face to face so much better, just wish it could be done more on here.

Koneko

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 9

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 4:49:50 PM

mysecret40

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Darkraven....I agree with your approach and do the same myself...but I do find more often they seem to want to own me right away~! Rules and regulations right away....forboding talking to anyone else...but I always have to remind them...you have to prove your worthy to be my Dominant. Like you I take it seriously. That doesn't mean I don't like to go out and have fun though~!To be someone's Yin to their Yang....the other side of their coin will come in time. Yes...the internet is full of illusion, when you meet and actually spend time with each other, that's when reality happens.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 10

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 4:58:14 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I think part of it is because we are such perfectionists.

We can do something right 99 times out of 100- but it's the 100th time that we remember. The one we did WRONG.

It's very lacking in perspective, but it's how it is.

We're also often low on patience with ourselves. How often have we known doms who had to tell us not to beat ourselves up? How often do doms have more patience with us than we have with ourselves? How often do we magnify our faults rather than see the whole and appreciate our true worth?

It's a matter of perspective.

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(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 11

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 5:13:23 PM

Reasonable

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Joined: 4/20/2006
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Heartfelt-we are on different sides of the whip-I'm not terribly impressed with the quality of many Tops I see here either.

Neither has the market in incompetence cornered. It's simply refreshing when you come across ones who ARE "with it."

But on the other hand,one might ask "why do so many masters fail?

They do-but they won't admit it.

< Message edited by Reasonable -- 4/26/2006 5:19:40 PM >

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 12

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 5:41:17 PM

bindtoher

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/8/2006
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In my opinion 'failure' is all about perception of the role of individuals in D/s.Ones 'failure' is anothers 'success' and much like vanilla life, it depends on wether an individuals perception matches that of another. Take for example the statement 'hard limits'; you can stipulate a list of your 'hard limits' limits but so many actions in D/s can touch the edges of those limits for both parties ..is touching the same as pushing boundaries or respecting limits or reason for release??

(in reply to mysecret40)

Post #: 13

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 5:51:48 PM

heartfeltsub

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lol, good point. (chuckling)

(in reply to Reasonable)

Post #: 14

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 6:51:53 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
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Reasonable, intelligent people create expectations and conduct themselves in a manner that precludes much of the nonsense. There are excellent people here, both dominate and submissive, then there are the "others". Many here who complain of not finding anyone serious are often guilty of behaving in the manner they complain of others.

K

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 15

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 7:40:58 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think part of it is because we are such perfectionists.

We can do something right 99 times out of 100- but it's the 100th time that we remember. The one we did WRONG.

It's very lacking in perspective, but it's how it is.

We're also often low on patience with ourselves. How often have we known doms who had to tell us not to beat ourselves up? How often do doms have more patience with us than we have with ourselves? How often do we magnify our faults rather than see the whole and appreciate our true worth?

It's a matter of perspective.

Amen.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 7:41:00 PM

Darkraven6

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Joined: 3/5/2006
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mysecret40...thank you so much! Thats exactly what I mean...but, do you find, that if you try and point this out, they become mad at you? Or accuse you of playing games and such? I have, and thats so not true. Or Ill find that they totally ignore that and continue to speak and act like they already own me. Sometimes its so good to hear someone else has the same problem...lol.

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 17

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 8:09:41 PM

MichMasochist

Posts: 234
Joined: 12/23/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

Recently I was reading the doms threads about their desire to leave places like collar me due to the type of subs/slaves that contact them. The question at hand has to do with the other side of the coin, being the subs/slaves on here and the problems they discover in finding a dom to be with . Do you believe that the expectations are differnt for subs than doms ? Do you find any similar issues have come up again and again with those that you have contacted for consideration??
Please share your thoughts

First if your like me a subby, not slave, looking for a relationship other than bussiness or one night stand, yes I'm talking about pros. That eliminates 90% of the dommes. The remaining appear to have too high or unreasonable expectations. Mostly they leave me with the impression of a Peg Bundy type wanting a no strings service slave.

Don't know about the male side of the dom problem. I'd imagine that it's the same.

Have I been contacted? Yes by pros wanting to do bussiness. Only one who wasn't but she was too far away to pursue a relationship with.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 18

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 8:16:27 PM

MichMasochist

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Joined: 12/23/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Reasonable

I go by my past experience. Of around a decade,rl. What do you base your conclusions on?

Jaded. A decades worth. IMO

Just like some subs.

(in reply to Reasonable)

Post #: 19

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 9:50:13 PM

Saint

Posts: 279
Status: offline

The problems I used to encounter repeatedly was what I termed "emotional blackholes". Submissives who could never get enough emotional fulfillment, who just kept taking and taking more and more, until you find yourself so exhausted by the time spent with them that you feel you need a vacation away from everyone and anyone. I have found that, and then there are the people who are so desperate for a relationship of any kind that they will use every emotional trick in their book to make you feel guilty or obligated.

Thankfully I learned to weed them out within the first 1-2 corresponding emails simply by thier intonation or word usage.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 20

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