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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 7:23:14 AM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: geodragon
I have a very odd relationship here and was wondering for advice from anyone who has any.
I am new to the D/s for almost a year now and my sub is married to someone else. We love
each other and want to be together but there are things that are preventing that right now.
while she is married I am wondering how do I deal with jealousy and really am I even a
Master at this point?

We can't tell you how to temper your emotions any more than we can dictate how to style your hair.
Jealousy is a normal emotion that manifests when one isn't getting the attention that they need/want.
It affects everyone, regardless of the dynamic (Master Submissive Switch Domme etc...)
Just because you are feeling it, it doesn't mean you aren't a Master. You are human first and foremost.
You have invested 2 years of emotional commitment to this woman, and being that there is someone
else that she always goes home to, I'm certain the jealousy has always been there. What is making
it so hard for you to deal with the jealousy now? How were you able to cope with it before?

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 7:54:15 AM

DarkSteven

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Let me chime in that being in a sexless marriage is possible. I had sex with my ex wife once in the last five years of marriage. Needless to say, it was not a good marriage at that point.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 12:28:22 PM

subkatslut

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

How many times during that 2 year period, did you lie to your husband and sleep with other men?

I shouldn't even dignify this with an answer. I can count the number of men I've slept with on one hand still and I'm 41 yrs old and I had sex a few times before ever being married.

It actually was an 8 yr period and it took 7 yrs before I did.

You're confusing a few issues I think. One does not equate another.

Also FTR there is no pretense of a viable marriage. He's known we are through for a long time. He can/could leave at anytime but as I stated for the time being, even if not the best situation, it's better then the alternative for now for both of us apparently.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 12:37:25 PM

Hillwilliam

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To the OP. Been there. It doesn't work and hurts like a bitch when it ends.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 12:50:06 PM

geodragon

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To subkaslut...I understand what you are saying completely when you said it is better than alternative so you stay. My slave is in a similar situation and I am not able to move near her at this moment to take care of her nor is she able to move near me at the moment

Thanks to all that have posted so far I am taking every bit of info thoughts comments advice to heart and listening. I am always trying to improve as a man and Master as I am still learning and new to this.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 1:44:29 PM

anniezz338

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Action speaks louder than words.

I'm not going to say she is lying, because she may be or she may mean every word she's telling you. Only time will tell....but statistically.....the odds do not look good. For lots of reasons, people want their affairs and their marriages. When it comes to making a choice, the marriages seem to usually win.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 2:39:20 PM

thishereboi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subkatslut

quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

How many times during that 2 year period, did you lie to your husband and sleep with other men?

I shouldn't even dignify this with an answer. I can count the number of men I've slept with on one hand still and I'm 41 yrs old and I had sex a few times before ever being married.

It actually was an 8 yr period and it took 7 yrs before I did.

You're confusing a few issues I think. One does not equate another.

Also FTR there is no pretense of a viable marriage. He's known we are through for a long time. He can/could leave at anytime but as I stated for the time being, even if not the best situation, it's better then the alternative for now for both of us apparently.

No, I wasn't confusing anything. It seemed like you were comparing your situation with the OP, so I was just curious to how close the 2 came to each other.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 9:21:58 PM

fellowtraveler

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She is married..... that is to say she made a vow to love, honor, cherish the guy she went down the aisle with and, oh yeah, to keep herself only unto him. What good is her word to anyone if she can't keep that vow to him or at least have the honesty to give him a writ of divorcement before doing the big dirty with you? Likewise, and sorry to be so judgemental here.... actually, naw, not sorry at all.... your involvment with her shows your level of respect for other people's vows. Honestly, in these situations I usually kind of hope the guy (or woman) finds out and makes you a correspondent in his divorce trial. Trust me, if that ever happens to you, you won't like it.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 9:33:07 PM

TheRaptorJesus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subkatslut

Well I have no vested interest here and I can tell you that I am married and haven't had sex with my husband for more then 2 years so it's very possible even if some care to not believe it. Why is it so hard to believe a woman would choose not to have sex with someone she has no attraction to or desire to be with? Married or not I will never be that desperate.

Desperate enough to marry him though?

Pathetic. Get a divorce.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 10:18:10 PM

subkatslut

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To the OP...just go with your heart and decide for yourself what you can and cannot handle. I'm new here myself and have learned in a very short time that many who post (not all) are the most judgemental narrow minded individuals on any board I've ever visited. Ironic given their lifestyles are often judged due to society's ignorance yet they choose to take that same route with things they don't understand.

We have people claiming to know what someone's vows were. People who seem to know what agreements may be in place between 2 people. People who are so perfect that they never made a bad judgement or mistake let alone had to make the best of a bad situation for whatever reasons may be in play or circumstances that may be out of their control. People who can't comprehend that one journey may be from point A to point Z where others may have to make multiple stops in between because it's their way or it's wrong. Given the divorce rate in this country and the way people in this lifestyle, it appears, jump from person to person more frequently then people who aren't it seems non-sensical to believe vows have any significance in most marriages any way. Lest we forget till death do us part those 50%+ divorces failed to honor. Shoot why bother with divorce when you can add another sub to your harem and no I'm not knocking that particular choice but I've read enough to know that oftentimes the sub in the relationship isn't overly thrilled with that situation and that oftentimes the dom leaves with the new sub...but of course if the piece of paper doesn't exist I guess love and honor and respect are irrelevant.

What you need to do is decide if you are willing to give her situation time to evolve and change but in doing that you have to be ok with the very real fact that what you are giving time for and hoping for may not happen. At what point will your choice to wait become regret should it not happen? If you can't live with that possible eventuality then waiting may not be in your best interest. On the other hand if she is that amazing for you, you may feel it's worth the wait come what may and regret not having the patience should you walk away too soon. But it really is something only you can decide. No one here because they are not you nor are they the ones who will live with the decision.

Also don't feel bad about your role in her life. Hopefully your relationship has helped her grow stronger as a person to enable her to leave her current situation and maybe to even give her hope when she desperately needed some and belief when she maybe couldn't even believe in herself. Whatever happens don't feel bad about caring about someone.

< Message edited by subkatslut -- 11/9/2010 10:29:55 PM >

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 10:24:59 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

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With all the other fish in the sea, why go with someone who's a, married, b cheating on their partner, and C not availible to get together very often. I know chemistry is chemistry, and but still. It shows a very poor lack of integrity for the cheater to be cheating on someone who I assume loves and trusts said cheater, and a lack of integrity on the behalf of the one who helps someone cheat lie and deceive another.

Plus there's the whole issue of liking someone who's not readily or fully availible an the heartache that is bound to follow.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/9/2010 11:17:41 PM

desires0ul

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Yes there are plenty who are in "sexless wedlock" pretty much holding it together for the kids or social image. I got involved with a lady who honesty did want to stay married. how ever you [or I did] develop a sense you are just the "third spoke" or plain put the vibrator she don't have on the night stand. Maybe that is for some. I don't have to become attached by any means. but not just to be used. If they both are leading a outside life style then can see it.. not when one is sneaking around and the other not aware.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/10/2010 1:29:38 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: geodragon

No the hubby does not know she and I have been together for 2 years now and have both discovered during our time together that we love the M/S lifestyle. We get together as often as we can, but I live almost 4 hours from her.

I can totally see how it's possible to see yourself as "together", how you might feel that rush of intimacy and connection, and how you might feel as if you're both destined for eachother.

But it's not at all certain. I'm not saying it's bogus here - Just that your relationship isn't really "together", you don't spend enough grungy time together to really know. LDR's don't all end unhappily, but a very high proportion of them do. I hope yours turns out to be one of the diamonds but you have to be prepared for fool's gold too.

quote:

She says she is faithful to me while she is married and does not have sex with him only me.

I don't think this is impossible, by any means, but as a general rule I'd reckon (in my totally subjective and un-fact-based way) that it's unlikely.

Sigh...

I really wish you luck with this, and we don't really know enough about your dynamic to make any hard and fast judgements - Your's could be a true love story that will end in a garden of roses or it could turn to shit.

Ask yourself these questions (no need to respond to them here if you don't feel like it):

Are you happy with the situation?

How would you like to see the situation improved?

Can you imagine living with her f/t?

Do you believe in your heart that she feels the same?

What would you say to a good friend who described the same situation to you?

Good luck

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RE: my sub is married - 11/10/2010 5:59:01 AM

fellowtraveler

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Subka, I get your point about being judgmental. Yeah, there are a lot of things that people get hung up on and can be way too closed minded and holier than thou about. We aren't talking here about a matter of fetish or erotic wiring. We are are talking about dishonesty, and I believe that is something that can be judged. The woman's husband has no idea what is going on.

There is a difference, at least in my opinion, between tolerance for things that hurt nobody and respect for social mores that are in place for a good reason. I am very judgmental of people who lie, steal, unnecessarily hurt other folks or have no regard for the effect their actions will have on people and society. There really are things for which society has a right to judge and this, to my mind is one of them. I respect your right to disagree, our thresh-holds of what we consider propriety are not necessarily the same. However, this, to me is no different than some guy posting how he is breaking into a guys house a couple times a year and stealing stuff and wants our advice on how he can do it better. My advice is to stop the offensive behavior and bring the situation into the light of day.

Part of the reason that society, again in my opinion, judges people like us (meaning in the D/s community) harshly is that they see us as having no moral code or standards. Dishonesty that hurts people and makes a fool out them is not something that anyone should condone, again in my opinion.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/10/2010 7:41:57 AM

OsideGirl

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Yup, I'm judgemental about breaking a promise and lying to someone.

A series of points:

First, I don't really buy the whole "just can't end it right now". There are very few reasons why that statement would be legitimate. Des posted one. Honestly, if you want out bad enough, you make it happen rather than waiting for some magical combination of timing to occur. Yes, it can suck but if you want it bad enough you deal with it. (And I have)

Second, if it's a sexless, unhappy marriage and they both want out...why would it hurt for her to be honest with him? Just say "This is over, we have to share living quarters, but let's see other people?"

Third, she's lying to the most important person in her life. (Before you says he's not the most important: where does she spend holidays? Special events? Sleep every night?) If she'd lie to the most important person in her life....what makes you think that she's not lying to you about some part of this? Have you actually seen her and her husband interact?

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RE: my sub is married - 11/10/2010 7:50:14 AM

desires0ul

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yes I have heard the addage before " Don't make someone your priority when to them your only an option."

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RE: my sub is married - 11/10/2010 8:15:21 AM

LadyRian

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Op, I hate to say this, but you're singing a very sad song. One I know the words to all too well, and my advice here is something you probably don't want to hear, and won't like. Make the break, now. Let her go. Seriously. If she gets it together enough to get a divorce from this man, she'll be back. If not, you didn't waste any more of your time.

There are some really bad marriages in this world. There are marriages which really should end, and don't. There are marriages which are made more tolerable by someone going 'outside', and getting what they want there, and keeping 2 ( or more sometimes) people strung along. In these cases, the married person is using the outside relationship to stay married. Or even worse, using it so that the spouse kicks them out when they discover the truth, and the married cheater doesn't have to be the "bad guy" by ending the marriage. Many times people in bad marriages fall for someone outside, because the state of their marriage is so dismal that it's practically impossible not to have this happen. But their cowardice for sticking around in a marriage that bad doesn't give them the right to go outside. Divorce is tough, but it's better than staying in a bad marriage, children or not. And it's a LOT better than becoming deceitful, and cheating.

There are people who lie, and lie, and lie, as they cheat and cheat and cheat. Many of these people tell their outside lover that "Their marriage is over", and that they will be getting a divorce "Soon". What the person waiting for them doesn't know, is that they are gauging "soon" in terms of geological time. (To a volcano ready to erupt, 10,000 years can be considered "soon.") There are also people who can charm the birds out of the trees for a short period of time, and actually are looking for new victims all the time. I'm not saying she's like this, but it's not out of the question for a married cheater to cheat because they've decided that overall, marriage is excruciatingly boring, and decide to "spice things up" with the drama of an affair. Which is exceptionally selfish and cruel to all involved.

And here's something else: Be prepared for the possibility that you two will plan her "escape" so you can realise your dreams, YOU will do everything to make this real, and all of a sudden, she sabotages the whole thing. The plan turns to dust, and somehow, you find yourself manipulated into a relationship ending argument. Why? Because it's going to become REAL. Yup, fantasy time is over, and now the time has come to walk the walk that they've been talk, talk, talking for years. So they become desperate, and do some really bizarre things. All to make the relationship they assured you that they wanted 'go away' so they can keep all the bennies of being married, and their perfect fantasy fun too.

I'm not trying to predict your future here. You asked for opinions on this, and here's mine.
What I would recommend here is for you to tell her that you'll be there for her, with open arms, when she GETS DIVORCED. Because whether you like it or not, you are also participating in the betrayal of someone else. Her unknowing husband. Granted, the guy might be a real SOB, but that's not the point. The point is, you're involved in the betrayal of someone else. It's not behaviour to take pride in. You're letting yourself participate in that based on your firm belief that you guys are in love, which you probably are. Still, no excuse.

Sad but true.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/10/2010 10:00:23 AM

TheOldMan

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Been married 25 years, haven't had sex in over 10 now.
Yes there are reasons we're still married but it's not much of a marriage, never was really.
Most of the time we sleep in seperate rooms, she spends her time on the 1st floor and I spend mine in the basement or garage.

No, I have not had sex outside, it would violate my principals. Simply put I will NOT be seen as simply another cheating AH.
It means at 56 that I have no expectation of ever having sex again and yes, that bothers me but it is what it is, that's all.

I've had opportunity, plenty of them but invariably people get hurt when it happens without the consent of everyone, and even then at times.
Doesn't change WHO I am, nor what and to be honest, hope springs eternal.

None of you has the slightest reason to believe me and that doesn't matter because I personally have neither anything to gain nor anything to lose in this post. The only reason for posting it in fact is to demonstrate that there are indivduals with principals living in less than optimal relationships.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/10/2010 10:24:45 AM

geodragon

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Thank you to all of the ones that posted opinions and thoughts and shared your stories bad and good. Thank you all for your valuable input and I will be taking them all to thought and heart. Thank you LadyRian It made perfect sense what you said and it is greatly appreciated nothing speaks better than experience. TheoldMan I thank you for your story and I empathize with you. I will keep checking back on here to see the replies.

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RE: my sub is married - 11/10/2010 11:02:35 AM

LadyRian

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geodragon, my heart goes out to you. This is a painful place to be. Getting yourself out is what I think the best thing to do. We learn harsh lessons, and those are the ones we remember the longest, especially where it comes to violating principles we've held for our entire lives. I've learned that real love doesn't require one to violate their ethics, but we are human beings, and sometimes we love someone so much, that we want to save them from what we see as the 9th plane of hell. We'd march there for them. We do things we never thought we'd ever do. And we pay an extremely high price to learn why we won't ever do anything remotely similar ever again.

Be well.

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