RE: Aggression and submission (Full Version)

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Icarys -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 1:33:18 PM)

Here's the definition for assertive BTW.

assertive [əˈsɜːtɪv]adj1. confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views2. given to making assertions or bold demands; dogmatic or aggressive




LadyHibiscus -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 1:34:05 PM)

~fast reply, since Icarys is hidden~

The saying is, "I want power exchange, not power struggle", and I really do believe that. When it comes down to it, I am the dominant, and the submissive gets a voice, but not the final say.

Until the submissive and I have a power exchange relationship, we are just two people. During that negotiation stage, where we are circling one another warily, I am fine with a certain amount of "testing". Being a dominant is a big responsibility, and I understand that I have to show myself as worthy of trust. I will not do that by arguing and butting heads. I do not need to metaphorically beat my chest to proclaim myself. I need a submissive with a brain and a personality, not someone who will meekly accept everything, even if it is purely stupid.

I do not do well with the meek and the passive. They bore me, and they bring out my worst qualities. I have tried life with an aggressive slave, and to say it was a disaster is an understatement. Is there no middle ground here? Can there only be lambs and lions?




DMFParadox -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 1:37:16 PM)

Yeah, I'd like to hear about the inspiration bit too.




Icarys -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 1:40:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

Yeah, I'd like to hear about the inspiration bit too.


Do you mean from me personally or as a topic. Cause I could CM ya. :>




Lockit -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 2:05:38 PM)

There are varying degree's of things. Few things are so set in stone whether by definition or application or interpretation, that they are totally black or white. Perception goes a long, long way, but perception doesn't have to be a bad or good thing or black and white, set in stone. Circumstances bring a lot to each situation.

When I go to my soft spot at night and evaluate my day, life or whatever, it isn't the ugly things I think about, but the good things past, present and to come. Life is what it is and what we make of it and so are our interactions with others.

What I want in my life is different from what others want and that is a good thing, because then there may be a match for everyone. Yet, I don't need a salesman in my bed, on my phone or in my email. A confident man with more to offer than kink or convincing will do just fine. Leave the salesmanship... the kind that meets you as you walk in the door and wants to sell you something whether you want it or not... isn't my idea of what I want when I am out to buy, find someone or relate to in a personal relationship. Different skill sets for each place... but damn some hang over and I simply won't go there.

However, whomever will get a lot further if he makes me laugh. lol




Icarys -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 2:09:06 PM)

Yeah ya just gotta laugh sometimes. I know I do.[:D]




LadyHibiscus -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 3:36:05 PM)

A person will get far with me if he makes me laugh in a GOOD way, not in that incredulous way that says, Holy moly, what a cretin!




BonesFromAsh -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 3:41:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

  I could just be putting My own conjecture into the matter, but it sounds somewhat combative to Me in a way.  Not in the fun take down kind of sense for play, but more like the struggle for power is being set and that's a path I'm not especially interested in traveling.

As for the contrast, in the 'belly up' reference, that isn't exactly My style either.  I think many of us are familiar with the turn off that this can be.  Someone who complies to anyone and everyone.  Not only is it no fun, but it isn't the type that I tend to mesh with the best.  I suppose I'm seeing those two types as the opposite ends of the spectrum.



Yes, I chose to show the exact opposites for a reason. We read over and over how few women like a man who “shows his belly” to every D-type that comes his way. I’m curious what the opinions would be for the other extreme. I’ve noticed recently that some of the more combative (is that the right word?) men who identify as being submissive posting here have a more aggressive attitude.

This is also why I asked for each person’s definition of aggressive and assertive. I’m starting to see that it really is down to interpretation.




LadyHibiscus -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 4:01:13 PM)

I think that the more combative men have a more anti-femdom attitude, if not a straight out misogynistic one. This is not a protocol board, no one is demanding that men behave in a certain way, but some of these guys have chips on their shoulders bigger than their heads! I don't interpret that as a person interested in submitting.




Icarys -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 4:38:34 PM)

Funny she should say that.. I see that very same thing in female subs and fem-dom alike. Having a chip on your shoulder isn't conducive positively for either side of the fence.

Let me add this: It seems so many mistake attitude (usually bad) for assertiveness in positive ways as well.




BonesFromAsh -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 4:41:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I don't interpret that as a person interested in submitting.


Agreed. I think it goes back to what sunshine said ....

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
The person in rehab needs some serious monitoring for when the walls come tumbling down. So, too, someone who needs to be "forced" to do what they want to do - the fallout can be more than they are capable of handling alone. Unexpected problems can and most likely will arise.


Be careful what you wish for as you might just get it...in spades.

Also yet another reason why the labeling options given here on CM just aren't enough. Top/bottom would be welcome additions as choices along with dominant/submissive/switch.




LadyHibiscus -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 4:53:19 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

Also yet another reason why the labeling options given here on CM just aren't enough. Top/bottom would be welcome additions as choices along with dominant/submissive/switch.


I completely agree. There are too many options out there and the tiny boxes do not allow for exploration.




DesFIP -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 6:25:42 PM)

I've been thinking about the middle ground. I think it's self knowledge and confidence in your own competence in whatever areas you feel competent in. Quiet confidence. No need to crow all the time and attack anyone who ever dares disagree with you. But just knowing what you need and what you have to offer. Focusing on the positive qualities and not the negative ones.

Those are people good to be with and I think that's what we all want, someone who we feel better when we're with them than when we aren't.




daintydimples -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 7:35:30 PM)

I know the OP does not want to separate gender in this discussion, but I think you have to. Male subs and female subs are *very* different.

Female subs are inundated with "you are not a sub if you do not submit to ME" crap from everyone under the sun who wants to call themselves dom. This make some of us rather aggressive. It doesn't mean we don't have a sub side, just means we have learned the hard way to protect it from assholes.

Overly aggressive male "subs" generally want to be "taken down". It's a fetish I suppose, but not to be mistaken for real male submission. Just my opinion.






PeonForHer -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 8:15:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples.

Overly aggressive male "subs" generally want to be "taken down". It's a fetish I suppose, but not to be mistaken for real male submission. Just my opinion.



I think the desire to be 'taken down' is a whole department of kink of its own, DD.  IMO, it's best seen as another sub-kink, rather than a form of submission that isn't 'real submission'.  Though I'm not an aggressive type (at least, so I think) it figures as one of my fantasies.




daintydimples -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 8:21:10 PM)

As I said, it is a fetish of it's own.

Whether it includes some real submission is something that I think would depend on the individual.




CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/11/2010 10:44:21 PM)

My answsers are in this color, as I don't want to go through the nightmare of breaking this up into smaller quote boxes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

Submission comes in many different styles, this much I’m aware of. I’d like to address one in particular…the aggressive submissive.
In my opinion, this is the person who doesn’t greet you with an ‘offered belly’ inferior stance and a whimper, but instead meets you as an equal…teeth bared, circling you while taking your measure and demanding your dominance.
Someone who submits for everyone indiscriminately...if they are truly in a servant mindset and is part of who they are instead of a demand I can enjoy their company as a friend.  Does it get to me in a way that sparks my interest?  No.
 
I prefer to be an equal, in vanilla mode in the beginning.  As for "teeth bared, circling while taking my measure..."  I've spent my entire life around animals and I read fear into this type of behavior.  I have to decide if it's from a past bad experience, or if the man has serious issues or other reservations he is hiding from me that will blow up later.  If he simply enjoys a power struggle...we are not compatible. 
 
As for demanding my dominance, lots of luck with that. [:D]  It is something that happens inside me when I care for someone. 


Could this be seen as wanting to submit but being unwilling to admit it…needing to be “forced” into submission? It seems to have less to do with physical/sexual bottoming, which they have no problem admitting to wanting albeit in a “take down” sort of way. More like equal but different. It could also be seen as a competition of sorts…”Prove you can dominate/out-smart Me and I might submit.”
There is either an interest/need, or there isn't.  I am not going to morph into some fantasy BDSM porn creature to see if I can push all of his buttons just the right way and be considered worthy.  This is a dance we do, not some stage audition.  
 
Oh goodness, I just had a flashback of former jobs in the past...when I sold Avon and Fuller Brush and had to...give away free samples to interest potential customers.  [:D]

How do you describe an aggressive submissive individual and does it differ from an assertive submissive?
Someone can be assertive without being aggressive.  We have already had definitions from several people so I won't dig out my own dictionary. [;)]  Assertive is fine, aggressive turns me off.  Someone pushing a hard sell on me is trying to lead me around by the nose.  Several have tried this week.  It's their loss.

Does that style appeal to you, why or why not?
No, it doesn't.  As to why...I didn't decide to become very physically aroused during long thuddy flogging sessions but I do.  Wondering why doesn't change anything...I just am who I am and like what I like.

What would be some of the issues that could arise in a D/s relationship that involved such a partner?
I like a peaceful life and would get tired of all the drama.  He would probably be equally unhappy, and feel unloved and frustrated if his needs were not being met.

For the folks who identify as aggressively submissive…has this style been a positive or a negative with regards to a D/s dynamic?

I’m aware this might be fairly basic fodder for some people, but I’m curious to see where this topic might lead.
Thanks.



Thank you for bringing up something like this...I had a great time reading what everyone wrote. 




DMFParadox -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/12/2010 12:43:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

Yeah, I'd like to hear about the inspiration bit too.


Do you mean from me personally or as a topic. Cause I could CM ya. :>



A CM? Sure. Sounds fun.

A topic also works. Dealer's choice.




VaguelyCurious -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/12/2010 2:03:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples
...a load of gender stereotyping...

Nu-uh, not buying your 'excuse' for agressiveness, nor your designation of men who do exactly the same thing as somehow unsubmissive. Can we say 'double standards'?

Anyone of either gender who is so embittered by the attitudes of other dominants that they can't interact with me on a calm, warm level is not someone I'd want to be with. I'm happy for us to take time to get to know each other, I'm happy to wait for you to trust me, I'm happy for you to need time to relax but if you're going to fill the room with negative energy in the name of 'protecting yourself' just in case I turn out to be an asshole then you're way too jaded for me.

And the way you seem to think there's one rule for you and another for male submissives is just ugly. Plenty of female dominants are kind of psychotic (c'mon ladies, we all know a couple of them) and just as many men have had nasty experiences as you have, honey. I won't tolerate negativity from men any more than I would from women, but at least I've got some compassion for the shit they have to deal with too.




DMFParadox -> RE: Aggression and submission (11/12/2010 4:06:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples
...a load of gender stereotyping...

Nu-uh, not buying your 'excuse' for agressiveness, nor your designation of men who do exactly the same thing as somehow unsubmissive. Can we say 'double standards'?

Anyone of either gender who is so embittered by the attitudes of other dominants that they can't interact with me on a calm, warm level is not someone I'd want to be with. I'm happy for us to take time to get to know each other, I'm happy to wait for you to trust me, I'm happy for you to need time to relax but if you're going to fill the room with negative energy in the name of 'protecting yourself' just in case I turn out to be an asshole then you're way too jaded for me.

And the way you seem to think there's one rule for you and another for male submissives is just ugly. Plenty of female dominants are kind of psychotic (c'mon ladies, we all know a couple of them) and just as many men have had nasty experiences as you have, honey. I won't tolerate negativity from men any more than I would from women, but at least I've got some compassion for the shit they have to deal with too.



What dimples is referring to is something I lovingly call the 'bitch shield'.

It's definitely a double standard. Doesn't make it any less real.

Her description of the differences between the male and female experience was spot on.




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