RE: Sharing (Full Version)

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sweetsub1957 -> RE: Sharing (11/25/2010 9:35:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I've read enough posts to get a good feel for some of you. I'm wondering what your thoughts, especially if your in a monogamous relationship, would be if your Master/Dom one day said he wanted to share you, or wanted to bring a 3rd party in. I'm not talking poly...I'm talking swinging I guess, for the lack of a better term?

Would you do it if he felt strongly about it? What if it put a certain risk factor into your relationship?

Daddy & I are poly, but have talked about the possibility of sharing me for play and/or sex someday w/ another Dom that He would know well already. I would say "Yes" because I trust Him to keep me safe.

He has already told me that we would both have to trust the Other and He would also be there to watch over my safety. He would also only allow it to happen with condoms for protection from STDs. It would be an occasional thing, not an all-the-time or frequent thing.

Daddy has also given me permission to be with other women for play and/or sex, because He knows I'm bi, as long as I ask first and He knows about it ahead of time. Same rules apply regarding appropriate safe-sex protection and practices.

!sweetsub~



Kana -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 6:08:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
She can deal, or she can suffer the consequences and on something this large (and make no mistake, it's a huge step/risk because no matter what, once that bridge is crossed the relationship is altered-maybe better, maybe not, but its definitely gonna be different)


I am sufficiently self aware to know that once that bridge is crossed I would resent and distrust him. And that level of resentment and distrust would end the relationship. So if he wants the relationship to end that badly,  I will choose to end it before undergoing a painful experience that would always affect me negatively. And I would hope he would have enough residual caring towards me to also decide to end it before harming me permanently. If he needs two women together, or to share his, he can do so. But I won't be one of the women. He needs to find someone capable of doing this and surviving relatively unscathed, which I am not.

But I'm not capable of finding my hard limits broken to be hot.



And that's bueno.
(I wanna note here that when I talk about such things, I tend to do so from the POV of my own relationship(s), which are (have been) based almost entirely on a total TPE, part of which is the understanding that the only limits she has are those I allow.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

Kana said:
But yeah, the fact that she is doing something she doesn't like, that she is only doing it to please and satisfy me, that in a million years she would never do this otherwise, isn't that the root of slavery?
Sure as hell it is not for me. That is exactly the sort of zero-sum, adversarial thinking that I would very much like to root out of my marriage. If THAT is the root of slavery then watch me run fleeing from that label. That very thought pattern is poison to me.... so what? My gain can only come at her expense? I think NOT.

For me, the root of "slavery" is the owning of a human being... you know... like it says in the dictionary. The root of dominance is that she does what I want her to. The root of TPE is that it happens all the time. But nowhere in there do I have any thought that she oughta dislike it in order for it to count. Heck, I'd rather just change her so that she likes it then we can both like whatever it is.

Gosh, normally I love and resonate with your posts Kana... but that meme is just... well... not something I'm every going to buy into. I am NOT turning my marriage into a zero-sum game. I'd rather just divorce her now and be done with it.


1-Thanks for the compliment. Tips hat and bows.
*Laughs*
No better way to soften criticism than to wrap it in praise.

2-Serious question here-How exactly does this turn things into a zero-sum game based on adversarial thinking?
I tend to see the idea  as an extension of the concept that she is a piece of meat for me to do with as I desire. Ya know, a slave who has given herself over completely, body and mind, willfully surrendering the power of choice in her life. There's nothing adversarial about it. She likes/gets off/finds satisfaction and happiness in serving. I don't gain at her expense (and ugggh, now that I am typing it, the idea of benefiting at her cost really leaves a bad taste in my mouth), we both gain, just in a kinda round-about twisted way...which I thought I made kinda clear.

3-"The root of dominance is that she does what I want her to."
Yeah, and again, a serious question and not an attempt to derail the thread, but wherein lies the root of said service? She gets some return, where is it for her?
For mine,part of it is the entirety of being taken, the very extremism of something can have a catalytic orgasmic effect. It's about the surrender of choice, the yielding of the will, the loss of self in the letting go.



DesFIP -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 6:34:20 AM)

What I read when you say you want her to do something she cannot like, is that you're exercising your sadism by demanding these things. Which is fair if you're a sadist and she's a masochist.

But he isn't sadistic and I wouldn't be with him if he were. So to us, this kind of thinking is alien. We seek a win/win solution. And to me, her being forced to do something she gets nothing from is not a win/win solution. It's adversarial, you win, she loses. But that's the difference between those who are s & m and those of us who aren't.



Kana -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 6:46:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

What I read when you say you want her to do something she cannot like, is that you're exercising your sadism by demanding these things. Which is fair if you're a sadist and she's a masochist.

But he isn't sadistic and I wouldn't be with him if he were. So to us, this kind of thinking is alien. We seek a win/win solution. And to me, her being forced to do something she gets nothing from is not a win/win solution. It's adversarial, you win, she loses. But that's the difference between those who are s & m and those of us who aren't.



*Laughs*

Hence my fine print re within the terms of my relationship....I may hafta make that part of my signature.

*2X laughs*

"Which is fair if you're a sadist and she's a masochist."

Which, in our case, is 1/2 true...naturally making it all the better for the sadist.
Rubs hands with delight and chortles malevolently.



shivermetimbers -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 7:00:28 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I've read enough posts to get a good feel for some of you. I'm wondering what your thoughts, especially if your in a monogamous relationship, would be if your Master/Dom one day said he wanted to share you, or wanted to bring a 3rd party in. I'm not talking poly...I'm talking swinging I guess, for the lack of a better term?

Would you do it if he felt strongly about it? What if it put a certain risk factor into your relationship?

As we grew closer to each other and discussed bringing our lives together, we talked about the fact that though we both switch for each other, we were subs at heart, and finding a dominant outside of the relationship. That sounded good at the time.

In the time we have been together now, she made a comment when we were discussing our lack of opportunity to enjoy BDSM like we had in the past. She said, "Bringing someone else into the relationship, you better be damn sure you're that secure in the relationship to be able to do it." Perhaps BDSM is more in me than her, perhaps I still have that submissive craving that never lets go and the need for a dominant, not just a topping play partner. She may feel the same way, it's nothing you can quantify, as she says she misses it so much too (It may be I just bring it up more) Regardless, what she said struck me because, I'm most concerned about our growing together over anything else. And having hit a few rough spots in the road recently, I know that right now, I could not deal with her playing with anyone else in any form or fashion.

So I guess you could say, I feel very strong about BDSM and meeting others, but in the present, it is most important we are about us before anything involving anyone else. It's also why though we are still interested in the future of meeting others and possibly playing, our focus is now more finding others who enjoy wiitwd for friends, and just having extra topics to talk about, stories and experiences to share, and personal reviews of various toys and equipment. ( I love to talk about my tri-Wartenburg wheel!)



sexyred1 -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 7:25:12 AM)

I always find the topics about sharing interesting simply because in my experience and in the experience of everyone I know who has ever engaged in threesomes, multiples, etc. it never works out like it does in the mind of the one who had the fantasy.

I would never share or be shared in the context of a serious relationship; not my style or interest. I have been part of some situations (not with my men) in my past that demonstrated that someone, somewhere, somehow within the situation was going to be upset, the guy, one of the women, another guy. It was never as hot or cracked up to be what the person suggesting it thought.

I once dated a man years ago who never had a threesome with another woman and he was obsessed with it. He never shut up about it with me because he knew I had done it before. I told him it bored me and I would never do it again. So after a while he asked one time too often and I dumped him.

A few years later I ran into him and asked if he ever had that threesome. He did indeed get to experience it more than once with his current girlfriend but he said, quote: "You were right; it was not like I thought. I lost a great woman with you and since having the threesomes with my current girlfriend, I have lost respect for her and I cannot get it back. You need to be careful for what you wish for apparently."

And this guy is still with this woman, he cheats on her constantly, he does not love her,  and he has never had a threesome again. And she never wanted the threesomes, just did it to satisfy him, unlike me.

I had fun telling him I told you so.



NuevaVida -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 9:29:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Yes. It's all a part of that word "total" to us. Carol is not poly and she's not a swinger, but she is mine. If I wanted her to "swing", then she would. If I wanted her to like it, so she would. Honestly, there's very little that isn't in that category (nothing actually that I know about that isn't in the horrific categories) assuming I'm willing to put the effort into making the change happen.

Insofar as the "risk factors"... those are mine to manage and worry about.


My owner would say the same (as bolded above).  In fact, this type of thing WILL happen in our relationship, when the time comes that it is beneficial to both of us and the relationship.  Right now there would be risks.  He is dealing with those risks.  And I trust him to do so.

Some additional thoughts about things said in this thread:

Re: the shrimp example.  Daddy took on mastering me with the commitment that he'd look out for my well being.  Were he to intentionally set me up to be at harm, he would have betrayed the commitment he made, which I put my trust in.  He would have forfeited his mastery of me.

The same goes with the idea of the root of slavery being doing something I wouldn't like and wouldn't' in a million years do.  It's not the root of my slavery, nor is it what the man wants my slavery rooted in.  Given our histories, it is extremely important to him that we're both emotionally safe, emotionally fulfilled and enjoying shared happiness.  It doesn't float his boat to push me to do things I don't like.  He knows I had a lifetime of that, already.  He prefers my joy, when I'm living my life fulfilling him.  It's just how he rolls, and what adds to our chemistry together.

To note, for us the idea of pushing me to do something I'd hate just to somehow prove my slaveliness to him brings an adversarial dynamic between us.  It would not be beneficial to our relationship.



HisEvelyn -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 11:38:41 AM)

Master is possessive of me. If he were to ever tell me he wanted to share me, I would know there was a serious problem in our relationship, that some deep respect and love for me was gone on his end. I submit to him in all things, but I am his partner, not a piece of meat. I am his toy, and he does NOT share his toy. I love feeling so coveted and possessed.

I also cannot deal with sharing, due to some very serious past traumas. If his care for my well-being and his desire for me waned to the point that he wanted to share me, and didn't care that it would snap my mind? We are already over, and my telling him no to that mention of sharing means little at that point. Honestly, I am his to the point that if he brought it up, I might even do it to please him, despite us both knowing that it's a bad idea. But it would break me, utterly. And he would ultimately lose me anyway, because my own self-disgust and hatred over the act would drown away anything positive left in our relationship.

I've been involved in threesome dynamics in the past, and as Red says, they almost never work out as nicely as people think they do in fantasy. In no way am I saying poly dynamics can't work, or that some people don't handle threesomes fine. But in my experience, they are usually MESSY in a bad way. Even if you think everything was fine, someone probably got hurt somewhere and just didn't tell you about it.



daddysprop247 -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 12:42:23 PM)

at least two submissives have responded that their Dominant/Master would never share them sexually with another due to being possessive over them. i'm clearly missing the connection...what does being possessive have to do with sharing or not? if anything, between Daddy and i the fact that he has me serve other men at his command is an expression of his possessiveness. but then perhaps that is because we do not "swing" or engage in the fun and frolicking variety of sexual sharing?



NuevaVida -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 1:10:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

at least two submissives have responded that their Dominant/Master would never share them sexually with another due to being possessive over them. i'm clearly missing the connection...what does being possessive have to do with sharing or not?


For some, being possessive means "All mine and for no one else to touch."



slaveluci -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 1:20:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I always find the topics about sharing interesting simply because in my experience and in the experience of everyone I know who has ever engaged in threesomes, multiples, etc. it never works out like it does in the mind of the one who had the fantasy.

No. Sometimes it's better. At least I've found that to be the case............luci



Andalusite -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 1:44:28 PM)

I certainly don't want to be constantly miserable, or pushed to the breaking point. I've been most conscious of my submission when I am doing something I very much dislike, but that won't harm me, because of my submission to that specific person and their hold on me. Sometimes it's hot, but it can be over something completely non-sexual, and be more of a secure "all's right with my world" feeling. I'm not aroused by eating food I hate because he wants me to give it a try, or by scrubbing the bathroom or cleaning the litterbox, or standing in line, or waiting on hold until a live person comes on, but they were very much expressions of how much I wanted to please him and/or make his life a little easier. Right now, I'm single, but if I didn't want to do the tough/unpleasant things for someone who was a potential Dominant, I wouldn't consider myself to be submissive to him, even if I really enjoyed bottoming to him and obeyed everything he asked of me.

Sharing per se isn't a hard limit for me, if it were in a poly relationship with emotional ties to the people I was involved with. Casual sex would really damage me emotionally. If someone really wanted me to engage in it, I'd be more likely to feel we weren't compatible than to stay while claiming it's a hard limit. Someone who wants that just has a fundamentally different approach to sex and relationships than I do.



daddysprop247 -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 2:14:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida



For some, being possessive means "All mine and for no one else to touch."



yes, i've read that, but i just don't get the logic. if a Dominant just flat out doesn't want another to touch what is his, okay then, but that's not a defining factor of possessiveness. it's no biggie, just something i've often heard expressed when it comes to this topic that's always left me scratching my head.

Daddy would probably describe possessiveness as "Mine, ALL mine, and hence i'll do what i please with it."



porcelaine -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 2:22:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

at least two submissives have responded that their Dominant/Master would never share them sexually with another due to being possessive over them. i'm clearly missing the connection...what does being possessive have to do with sharing or not? if anything, between Daddy and i the fact that he has me serve other men at his command is an expression of his possessiveness. but then perhaps that is because we do not "swing" or engage in the fun and frolicking variety of sexual sharing?


Greetings daddysprop,

In the past I had a real issue with this subject. Sharing myself wasn't hard for me to fathom and I did so in other relationships. However, in terms of power exchanges I had a very difficult time embracing the idea of Him bringing in another party (female) and allowing her to become a part of our dynamic. Casual occurrences wouldn't have bothered me, but the permanence was a major stickler. I'm certain the caveat was the emotional element that could spring up and it was something I feared. Strangely enough when I've been told that sharing was not a possibility some part of me was disappointed. Of course my attraction to the whole thing was based upon my perceptions not the other persons.

What compelled me to rethink my stance was the realization that the situations where it was not a factor provided a nifty out that allowed me to maintain control over an aspect of my slavery without ever having it called into question. Perhaps I'm in the minority in this respect, but I've stopped avoiding the things I find uncomfortable in prospects. Instead of quickly dismissing something as a deal breaker I ask myself what I gain by grasping the reins in that area. Theoretically I realize that it will have to be ceded, but I've come to accept the latitude isn't given across the board and it is truthfully in response to the impact the dominant party has upon me. What's most interesting is my unwillingness to embark upon supposedly safe paths in deference for those that force me to address internal conflicts and heightened risks that would typically send me scurrying in the opposite direction. Much like you've mentioned in your response, the notion of having to do what I would not do is more liberating than the option of never facing my fear of it at all. It is a demonstration of His possession and the strength of His will.

Namaste,

~porcelaine



leadership527 -> RE: Sharing (11/26/2010 5:27:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247
Daddy would probably describe possessiveness as "Mine, ALL mine, and hence i'll do what i please with it."
Me too. But honestly Nueva said it right. Some people get a cool new toy and they want to share it with their friends so everyone can see how cool it is. Some people want to play with their toy by themselves and not let anyone else get smudges, nicks and scratches on it.



TreasureKY -> RE: Sharing (11/27/2010 7:24:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

For some, being possessive means "All mine and for no one else to touch."


Daddy would probably describe possessiveness as "Mine, ALL mine, and hence i'll do what i please with it."


Possessiveness displays ownership, true... but how someone treats their property is entirely individual.  Personally, those things that I value most, I treat with great care and do not risk damage or loss.  I may loan out a pretty piece of costume jewelry to a friend, but I wouldn't do the same for my diamond wedding set that I cherish.  I might risk damaging a wool sweater by trying a cleanser from the store, but I wouldn't dream of doing anything to clean a Cashmere sweater other than taking it to a professional cleaner.

Of course, value and risk are entirely subjective.  For me, I see someone who is careless with their belongings as someone who doesn't place much value on them.  Others, however, often feel that ownership is pointless unless you make the most of what it is that you own and use it to the fullest.



TreasureKY -> RE: Sharing (11/27/2010 8:49:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysprop247

... if a Dominant just flat out doesn't want another to touch what is his, okay then, but that's not a defining factor of possessiveness...


To clarify my previous post in relation to this comment of yours...

I think that many of us use the word "possessive" to denote the degree of protectiveness that we feel over the things that we own.  It is an emphasis for those possessions we are most guarded about losing.

Does that help?



akisha -> RE: Sharing (11/27/2010 8:57:55 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

I've read enough posts to get a good feel for some of you. I'm wondering what your thoughts, especially if your in a monogamous relationship, would be if your Master/Dom one day said he wanted to share you, or wanted to bring a 3rd party in. I'm not talking poly...I'm talking swinging I guess, for the lack of a better term?

Would you do it if he felt strongly about it? What if it put a certain risk factor into your relationship?


First off, these are things we discussed when we were first getting to know each other. We also continue to discuss such things as we learn each other and our relationship evolves.

If he wanted to share me or bring in a third for an evening, as long as I knew the person and knew they were clean, it would be fine.

My big thing is I don't like suprises and tend to react negatively when something new is thrust at me out of the blue. I need process time, so discussion is a huge factor. And the fact that I am a germaphob means I absolutely need to know that the person we're playing with has been recently tested and is clean!!

I will not put myself or allow myself to be put at risk. Granted I am a sub not a slave, but even so I feel that i am ultimately responsible for my own safety if for no other reason then I have a child that depends on me to be there to care for her.



jujubeeMB -> RE: Sharing (11/27/2010 10:46:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
Some people get a cool new toy and they want to share it with their friends so everyone can see how cool it is.


I've actually done the being shared with other men thing, with mixed results. I'm pretty sure we'll do it again someday, but I have to admit, I've struggled with understanding what it is my Dom (or any Dom) gets out of it. Your definition here makes sense. I also think that for my Dom it's more about how much control he has over me than any pleasure he might get from showing off such a cool toy [:)]

We've also talked about a threesome with another sub, but the likelihood of that happening is extremely slim. If he wants to do it, we will, but he wouldn't do it if it was going to traumatize me and at this point I'm pretty sure it would. Ironically, this one was my suggestion. That's the problem with trying to find every conceivable way of pleasing your Dom...



HisEvelyn -> RE: Sharing (11/27/2010 10:54:33 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB
Ironically, this one was my suggestion. That's the problem with trying to find every conceivable way of pleasing your Dom...


And that's the wonderful thing about having a Dom/Master who knows you and that you can trust. In moments of intense submission, I've occasionally expressed that I would do ANYTHING for my Master, even be shared if he desired it. And he always tells me that while he appreciates the sentiment, he knows me too well to ever take advantage of one of my moods for pushing my hard limits. He knows too well that once the mood and hormones wore off, I'd be very traumatized.

So I feel free to tell him everything without worry that he will mistakenly try something I couldn't handle, and he has the pleasure of knowing that I would do it for him if he really really wanted me to. Trust like that is amazing.



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