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RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/2/2010 9:04:41 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		What drives personality? I might be nilla, if I had a nilla personality. I don't. I could explain how I came to be submissive or masochistic, but honestly there is a lifetime of experience which pointed me on this road. And this is the same road I began to follow since before I ever had sex.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/2/2010 10:40:11 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Greetings CelticPrince,

My attraction stemmed from a desire to wield control and eventually morphed into a need to surrender it in the years that followed. I don't believe my participation merely stems from the typical associations, but reflects the larger aspect of my personality that's very service oriented. Engaging in my personal relationships in this mindset expands what's intrinsic yet deepens it in a manner that I cannot replicate elsewhere in the same fashion. As such, it isn't a separate path from my everyday existence, but has been encompassed to the degree where 'it' has become a bidirectional flow instead.

Namaste,


porcelaine,

That was an appreciated cogent answer. the control aspect is what prought me to the path and has kept me here through many bumbs in the road;so to speak.

CP

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/2/2010 1:13:08 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

This is a ponderance for all that consider themseves in the D/s path and extends to all of the sub cultures of B?D and S/m..
Essentially for those that have been on the path for awhile...........what was the core attraction that brought here.....Not CM but the path of D/s?


The "core attraction" was the filling in of a huge void. The frustration of egalitarian (vanilla) relationships which didn't fulfill my greater control needs vs the fact that I'm not an abusive arsehole who'd just have things my way and be done with it.

To satisfy my core needs, I needed two things....

1) A partner I could command and control at my whim.

2) (The harder one) A partner who needed and thrived on being commanded and controlled.

IE, a complementing dynamic - something that happy vanilla and gay relationships also have in common.

Focus.
Much of what Focus has said above is what I have described before in similar threads. 

I grew weary of "equal" really meaning giving in to what she thought.  I grew "weary" of the pouting that occurred when I did not.  This is why I think it is important to deal with issues rather than always just let things flow.  Humanity and what people were before they entered into D/s must always be taken into consideration but tis also why I do not do well with submissives whose definition of submission seems to strike closer to the definition of today's "equality-based, vanilla woman".

"settles in for the flak I am going to get for not explaining myself better and offers up this explanation":  I have to get back to work.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/2/2010 2:51:22 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

I grew weary of "equal" really meaning giving in to what she thought.  I grew "weary" of the pouting that occurred when I did not.


I'll try not to give you too hard of a time, CD, but I am curious...

Were you "pouting" when you didn't get your way?  You were obviously not happy about it... how did that unhappiness manifest itself in your behavior?  It has apparently been a strong enough reaction to act as a catalyst in your desire for D/s.

While I agree that mature compromise and/or an agreement on just who will have the final say in decisions (in our case, Firm does), is one of the most important aspects of maintaining a good relationship... I have a touchy spot when it comes to how women are most often stereotyped. 

Why is it that it seems that wording used to conjure images of childish behavior are most often attributed to women/subs?    I've known more than my fair share of men who are equally unhappy and vocal about not getting their way, but I seldom see words like "pouty" or "bratty" used to describe their behavior.

That said, I want it known that I happen to greatly admire you, CD.     I'm just one of those women who happens to challenge was she perceives as unfair.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/2/2010 6:35:58 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY
That said, I want it known that I happen to greatly admire you, CD.     I'm just one of those women who happens to challenge was she perceives as unfair.

You know Treasure, a true sub....

(god, if you could see how I am struggling not to burst out in laughter as I write that)

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 12:20:17 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

This is a ponderance for all that consider themseves in the D/s path and extends to all of the sub cultures of B?D and S/m..
Essentially for those that have been on the path for awhile...........what was the core attraction that brought here.....Not CM but the path of D/s? And the same question to our many relatively newcomers.

CP


I think what brought me to D/s was a desire to establish -order- on Chaos. I will be frank. I am a Chaos Magnet -- and yet, I have tended to be drawn to trying to balance Chaos with structure, despite my own chaotic (and subversive... and anarchistic) tendencies. Add to that a love for protocol (as I develop, it turns out that this is more akin to French Restoration, Revolutionary, and Napoleanic culture/protocol) and some pretty hinky fetishes (for example, back when I started out in all of this, the only areas to meet heavily inked, pierced, and scarified people were 'on the fringes')... and you have someone who was well suited to the D/s end of BDSM.

I think this is where it gets confusing for some folk. You see, sexual behavior was never the draw for me when it came to D/s... not that I didn't acknowledge the sexual aspects -- sexuality is a natural expression in much of human behavior, and D/s is no different -- however, I was already well established with a sexual identity, so I didn't need D/s to justify, identify, or express my sexual self... so sexual expression (and even sexual -activity-) isn't a big part of how I represent myself in terms of D/s. It really is more about order, protocol, and the opportunity to participate in and enjoy some of the activities that are still too... intense... for the day-to-day world.

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 12/3/2010 12:32:15 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 12:31:14 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I came to it more from the intellectual side of Dominance and submission than from the whips'n'chains side. Someone online suggested I would make a great Dominatrix and that sparked My curiosity to find out all about that. And when I did, it was like, WOW, so this is the label for who I am! I got into the whips'n'chains stuff later.

What was REALLY interesting was how, at that first research, I had this desire inside to be the recipient as well as the one doing the stuff. Over time the relative % of D to s went from 90:10 to 50:50, much to the amazement of both vanilla and bdsm friends! And if anyone had said in those early days that i would be living 24/7 with a Master for 6.5 years ... well I would have said they were NUTS LOL! Still looking for that 24/7 subby boy to complete the family though!

And hey, I don't mind doing this thread again for the benefits of newbies who are not sure who or where they are. My key message to them is "Keep an open mind while you explore this!"

Maam Jay
Edited cos the cat hit the OK button too soon!

< Message edited by MaamJay -- 12/3/2010 12:32:16 AM >

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 3:56:37 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

The "core attraction" was the filling in of a huge void. The frustration of egalitarian (vanilla) relationships which didn't fulfill my greater control needs vs the fact that I'm not an abusive arsehole who'd just have things my way and be done with it.

To satisfy my core needs, I needed two things....

1) A partner I could command and control at my whim.

2) (The harder one) A partner who needed and thrived on being commanded and controlled.

IE, a complementing dynamic - something that happy vanilla and gay relationships also have in common.

Focus.


Focus,

Damn, reading your input was like looking into a mirror.
Thanks for your input.

CP

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 4:28:33 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		Candidly speaking, while I don't exactly see it as a path, I turned to D/s because of sexual need: it's the only sort of experience I've ever had or fantasized about that arouses me. I learned later that there are other gratifications that accompany it, but if sexual arousal (the satisfaction is mostly immaterial to me) weren't somewhere in the equation, then being someone's slave would be meaningless for me. I eroticize some rather... "off the beaten path" things though. For instance, intense selflessness and sacrifice are extremely erotic to me. If born in another time, I might have made an awesome, if somewhat unconventional, martyr. ;)

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 4:44:57 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: newbie2750

I need the structure and security that D/s provides.


Oh, good additions! I like those things, too, very much. I like struture maybe a little more than security, but then again, structure is a form of security, to me.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to newbie2750)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 4:56:14 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
Funny how all these different stimuli lead you to ask exactly the same question, CP...


Perhaps because there are always different answers to that question and something new to learn from them? Even those who answered in the last ten rounds of a question like this (CP isn't the only one who asks it, obviously) provide a slightly different variation next time around, allowing us to know them just a bit better. :) ) It might also be a gentle pulse-taking measure, that's a motivation that might cause me to make a thread like this, and pulse-taking is clearly an activity that requires repetition.

What I am curious about are all the people who try to kill a thread like this (or any positive thread, for that matter) with negative comments, despite the fact that others are clearly enjoying it. What are your motivations?

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 4:58:13 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		BDSM arouses me mentally and physically. Vanilla sex does not. It's that simple.

KK

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 5:25:47 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i came here looking for a Dominant man.  i didnt come here looking for BDSM - i was told, all those years ago that i couldnt have the Ds without the BDSM and now i enjoy the BDSM but as an adjunct to the Ds or in my case the Ms. 

i think i know what youre driving at.  is it the sex that brought me here or the Ds.  for me it was the Ds - sex between a man and a woman is generally part and parcel of a relationship, sex does not define Ms for me, my sexuality is wired to a Dominant partner for sure, but sex in any adult relationship is a given (usually) and so sexual content within a name is moot, IMO.

when people call themselves 'analslut4u' it is a far more sexually driven advertisement than 'emily4u'.  whether that depreciates on the Ds focus is questionable - analslut may be just as much into Ds as emily.  the specifics on anal play is obvious and its easy to make the assumption that analslut is more driven to anal play than Ds, but its only an assumption.

personally if i was a male Dom id be more likely to look at emily first purely because of that assumption, but thats just me and im not a male Dom  -

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 8:03:08 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

I grew weary of "equal" really meaning giving in to what she thought.  I grew "weary" of the pouting that occurred when I did not.


I'll try not to give you too hard of a time, CD, but I am curious...

Were you "pouting" when you didn't get your way?  You were obviously not happy about it... how did that unhappiness manifest itself in your behavior?  It has apparently been a strong enough reaction to act as a catalyst in your desire for D/s.

While I agree that mature compromise and/or an agreement on just who will have the final say in decisions (in our case, Firm does), is one of the most important aspects of maintaining a good relationship... I have a touchy spot when it comes to how women are most often stereotyped. 

Why is it that it seems that wording used to conjure images of childish behavior are most often attributed to women/subs?    I've known more than my fair share of men who are equally unhappy and vocal about not getting their way, but I seldom see words like "pouty" or "bratty" used to describe their behavior.

That said, I want it known that I happen to greatly admire you, CD.     I'm just one of those women who happens to challenge was she perceives as unfair.

Thank you treasure...smiles...you know that I admire you too.  Very much.  Your way of posting this is an example of why...

I did not mean to imply that there are not men who act childishly or in a very negative, immature manner when they do not get their way.  I also realize that it is easy to ascribe words such as "childish" to behavior that does not please us.  Tis not til you step back and really view the behavior that you determine whether or not it is the behavior of someone experiencing anger and/or upset or disappointment in an adult fashion...even if it is disturbing at the time...or a "childish" or "bratty" fashion.  And it is a determination that, while many outside the relationship can make, is determined only by the principals involved.  What I...or others such as Focus or other men of my generation...may see as bratty or childish or unfair or manipulative or whatever behavior on the part of many, though certainly not ALL, women of my generation...many others see as "feminism at its finest".  I respectfully disagree with their assessment just as they do with mine.

When I didn't "get my way", I tended to step outside and do some work like mowing the lawn or working on one of the vehicles while using the time to think.  What I most usually thought about was whether or not I had been right to concede.  For the first 15 years of our involvement, the answer was usually yes.  When it was not, well...I'd been raised that you DON'T always get your way and it was not something to be expected.  To pout about it EVERY time you did not get your way was considered childish, immature and manipulative.  That's not to say that there weren't those times when my "pouting" took the form of quietness...I would not engage in discussion of trivia just for the sake of discussion as an example for a few hours.  But then...I got over it and I either brought it up for discussion again or I shoved it down inside myself and moved on.

The problems set in when I stopped looking at it only in an "Alan Alda-Gloria Steinem" way and began to seriously look at each and every time that it happened.  I began to insert other instances I'd seen around me through the years of friends and family who'd had the same thing happen...and what I realized was that many, though certainly not ALL, of the women from my generation were very adept at this...twisting the equality of a marriage into something that more closely resembled a D/s relationship but not a very good one:  If they do not get their way, their pouting most closely resembles that of a brat-made-adult...not talking for several days and when they do, being short and/or sarcastic and/or guilt-inducing: "what does it matter what I think?  you don't care anyway", becoming mysteriously too sick to have sex or having too many things on their mind to enjoy sex (but oddly enough, not too sick to enjoy being taken out to dinner or a show), etc. whereas in a good dynamic in which many dominants or one partner has the final say, D/s or vanilla...the decison of the one with the final say is made and the dynamic moves onward in the fashion it was shaped. 

~chuckles~  I hope I have made myself more clear, treasure.  As Maam Jay stated above, imposing order...structure...onto and into chaos appealed to me also more and more as I realized that not only was my marriage unequal but because of that inequality, it was CHAOTIC.


< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 12/3/2010 8:07:38 AM >

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 9:22:49 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		I thought of a couple more:

* I like to be thought of or viewed as a possession.

* I love with all my heart being useful, being "in use," used. Even if many of my own desires are not fulfilled, knowing that I'm making someone I care for and admire happy and content by being of service to them provides immense gratification, usually enough not to mind the missing elements.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 12:45:35 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

That was an appreciated cogent answer. the control aspect is what prought me to the path and has kept me here through many bumbs in the road;so to speak.

CP


Greetings CP,

Thank you for the compliment. My road has taken a sharp turn and my path has a spiritual undercurrent that wasn't present in the past, but one I find both gratifying and necessary for the union I seek. In my opinion that is the ultimate connection.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/3/2010 6:34:21 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

*laughs*. I think you're screwed on this question CP. For instance, my off the cuff answer was that I'd been dominant my whole life (and Carol has been sub) and so running into this whole mess on the Internet it was a no-brainer.

The problem in that answer is that you have no idea what I mean by dominant... Neither does anyone else here. With so little commonality on even the most basic of concepts I'm finding it near impossible to have meaningful exchanges in this format & venue on such a meaningful topic.


Jeff,

At times being screwed is ok if the correct result is reached. now me lad, I do know that you have the capacity to have we readers understand the deeper meanings that run through the veins of you and carol! Enlighten us friend.

CP

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/4/2010 3:37:28 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

it was the part of me that was missing. as i am a masso service sub, i was frustrated in my life and now i am doing much better,i have been collared for over 3 years now to my Mistress

_____________________________


littleclip,

There is always a ying to our yang, and LP found you just in time......good on you!

CP

(in reply to LPslittleclip)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/4/2010 2:52:32 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hmm... well I'm not sure I ever "turned to D/s".

I came to my current level of turnage via kinky sex. I had a girlfriend who (it turned out) was sub, she started dropping hints and one evening I spanked her.

And her reaction was amazing.. she was wet, horny, shaking. And the post spanky sex was rocking. We did lots of "kinky" stuff - all of it basically play (We were like two baby lions learning how to hunt). Then something changed - the fulfilment went from my cock to my brain.

Once it got there, there was no way I could give it up.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Core reasonings for turning to D/s - 12/4/2010 3:00:22 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		We think everyone came here by doing the same thing... following their fetishes. How that plays out is as different as the fetishes, the people and all the combinations therein.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 40
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