LadyPact
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ORIGINAL: DMFParadox
quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyPact
The above was suggested as the situation already seems more than out of control.
Generally, from what I've seen tough love has already been tried at this point. Frustration mounts as the same issues crop up over and over. For some things, such as temper tantrums and truculence, it fits; for 'laziness' and disorganization, the fix is activity and organization... and company. Cook together, talk together, clean together. That's how they learn; not by fiat. Sometimes it's not always possible to be there for kids, but this is a sign one should try.
If threats and punishment are the only things associated with cleanliness, it becomes the enemy.
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ORIGINAL: LadyPact
It isn't necessarily something that should have to be a constant. It's the kick off for changing the behavior. The idea is to teach them after you get past this particular experience that you won't permit the mess to get to the same state.
And that's all you teach them: that you'll get angry and punish them by throwing their stuff away. Gaining grudging compliance at best, and too much of that makes for no authority at all; immunities are built, no matter how severe the consequences.
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ORIGINAL: LadyPact
My kids were raised knowing two things. The first was that I was the person that was in charge of the household and any chore in the house would be done to My standard. The other was that in My job as parent didn't include Me being their friend. I saw it very much as goal oriented to raising human beings that would be ready for the world when they became adults.
Your kids learned a lot more than that; that's not empty flattery, it's just common sense. You taught them more simply by the way you handled your own chores.
I've never felt the need to tell any kid that I am or am not their friend. It's not even an issue. When I was a kid, any person that took that approach with me earned my instant disdain. There were a few; they either learned to back off and approach me with respect, or they'd find one fucking nightmare hellion on their hands, and one that often had a better vocabulary at 10 than they had at 30. I was putty in the hands of adults that were respectful, though, so teachers and scoutmasters compared notes and quickly figured out what worked.
I've spent the past year with a mother of two as a housemate, and I still frequently visit. Her eldest is so much like I was it's scary. But his behavior has noticeably improved since I've been spending time with him; I speak to him as I would an adult (sans profanity), enforce my boundaries as I would with another adult man, and discuss chores, tasks and homework in terms of problem solving; solving things with him. When he first came, he would do all kinds of tricky dicky shit. Now I never have a problem getting him to do what I ask, because he knows I put some thought into it and I both demand respect and offer it. And take my attention away if he pushes too far.
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ORIGINAL: LadyPact
The problem that a lot of people have with parenting is that children recognize when there is a pattern of empty threats.
I never had this confusion - no threat of my mom's was empty. That's all I'll say about that. Didn't work; she was so concerned about her authority and my obedience that she missed the fact that I often didn't know how to focus on the chore. To be fair, me being precocious didn't help her with that; it may have often seemed like I should have known, and I was just being lazy or selfish.
I'm trying hard to be neutrally toned here about her, because she did her best and it's rude to speak ill of the dead, but your words remind me a lot of her approach. On paper it was the same: she said more than once that she wasn't my friend, she was my mother, and she went to endless lengths to convince me she knew better than I did, and her standards were more valid than my logic. From all that, I just learned that she was certainly not my friend.
My sympathies for your loss. I hope she rests in peace.
Also, My thanks. I have every reason to believe that you wouldn't pay an empty compliment on the subject.
Funny you should mention the not feeling the need to tell a kid about the not being their friend bit. I used to feel the need when I knew it was best to be their parent, even when I might have wanted to be their friend.
Unfortunately, sha's got a parenting gap that makes it difficult for her. She'll have to establish authority if she's ever going to have any. I know it's tough for her, but she can do it.
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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT
Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD
Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.
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RE: ARGH!!! Not again! - 
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