Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Question


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Question Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Question - 1/1/2011 9:02:13 PM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		First off let me say that Im posting from an iPhone so I apologize for the spelling and grammar.

Question
While I enjoy all aspects of being a Dom I seem to lose interest in sex when I know (or even think) that my partner is not enjoying themselves. Now I think this is due to my both being an empathetic fellow and having my sub/slave be my wife whom I love.
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset.



Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Question - 1/1/2011 9:18:40 PM   
salemartist


Posts: 195
Joined: 12/17/2010
From: Salem
Status: offline 		why not seperate the D/s roleplay and the sex? you can play with the D/s part of the relationship to satify that craving and later on or even on a differnt day seperate from your D/s playtime have convential sex and concentrate on stimulating and satisfying her needs. it may be a case of too much sexual energy being directed into the D/s play. Certainly you dont need to have sexual gratification during D/s play, and vise versa

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 1:16:42 AM   
Outlier2


Posts: 258
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Question
While I enjoy all aspects of being a Dom I seem to lose interest in sex when I know (or even think) that my partner is not enjoying themselves. Now I think this is due to my both being an empathetic fellow and having my sub/slave be my wife whom I love.
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset.


Cula,

I would take the position that being empathetic gives you a big advantage as a dominant.  Your radar is always turned on to the other person and you are focused on them.  You are not just self centered and using someone else so you can feel good about yourself, you are actually engaged in this with her.  And because she knows this she is much more likely to open up and trust you with her innermost self.  Win/Win

Being tuned into the other person means you are much more likely to make the right move at the right time.  The more sensitive and aware of them you are the better.  It should mean that you will be better equipped to go to the edge without crossing over it.  Since she is your wife you will be around her when you are not playing and you will get clues then too, which you can use to guide you.  In short, it is a very powerful tool for you to be a dominant.

If you find that your empathy is getting in the way of being strong, willful and powerful
with her then you need to remember that this is what she wants and "needs" and trust her to use her safeword if you go too far.  I would not be surprised that while she may not enjoy the immediate action she is very aroused by the thought that you are strong enough to demand it.

Have her write up a few fantasies for you to enact at your choosing.  And then do them with her.  Afterwords have her write up a journal with her thoughts for you to read and/or review together.  It will help you to find the comfort line for both of you.  I suspect you will uncover some delicious surprises about both of you, I wish it for you both.

There is also an excellent very respected book called "The Loving Dominant". 

I checked out your profile before I wrote this and I saw you checked out mine.  So you know how I felt about my sub.  Feeling tender towards your submissive is not mutually exclusive with WISTWD (What It Is That We Do).   I learned that it just had to be incorporated into the bigger picture of the relationship.

Outlier


_____________________________

Posting for Outlier _ Avatar xkcd.com

"A happy sex life may take years to achieve, but it’s worth it in the long run.
Worth the time, the thought - or rather, the thoughtfulness -and, often, the waiting."
Pete Seeger

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 2:12:51 AM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		Thanks
Unfortunately she flat out refuses to talk about/ write down
Anything to due with her likes/dislike when it comes to sex.

(in reply to Outlier2)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 2:47:51 AM   
CherryNeko


Posts: 330
Joined: 12/29/2010
From: Mexico City
Status: offline 		It's pretty stupid that I didn't realize before, but now that you say it, I guess not all Doms are like that. Oh, well, I thought all Dominants were so like you.
So it means I like this certain kind of Dominant... oooh! Never thought about it before...

Ehem. We were saying.

I'm expected to say 'thank you, Sir' each time unless I can't stand it. I have to say it as soon as I can, and then another one will come. Again, 'thank you, Sir' and just wait for the next one...
We have a safeword, and if it isn't fun anymore, well I'd have to use it. However, either he is not pushing me yet or he always knows when I am close to saying it, and moves on to something else.
-------this is completely irrelevant-------------
And then he will stop the cold stares, and he gets all kind and tender, and touches me gently, and he says it's only one more to go.
Like how can someone refuse. So I close my eyes and well though it usually isn't just once more, it's a nice break and I'm ready for more, and sometimes he repeats...
I think maybe you could do that.

< Message edited by CherryNeko -- 1/2/2011 2:50:25 AM >

_____________________________

How many mornings do we have
Before this night ends?
I'm dying surrounded by white flowers
Which scatter in the sky...

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 2:59:31 AM   
Outlier2


Posts: 258
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Thanks
Unfortunately she flat out refuses to talk about/ write down
Anything to due with her likes/dislike when it comes to sex.



Then how do you know that she wants to be your sub?
How do you know what you want is consensual ? 


_____________________________

Posting for Outlier _ Avatar xkcd.com

"A happy sex life may take years to achieve, but it’s worth it in the long run.
Worth the time, the thought - or rather, the thoughtfulness -and, often, the waiting."
Pete Seeger

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 5:27:11 AM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		Ok

I guess I'm going to have to lay out some back storie in order for my
questions or desire for advice to make sence.

After 16 years of marriage ( in which our sex life always had a great deal of bsdm to it) my wife and I split up.
We had gone through a few very bad years I.E. Constant fighting, financial problems and general lack of effort
on both our parts.
During the split she came to the Conclusion she was "slave" more then a sub and found herself a master.
Now obviously this did not workout and we ended up back together after a few months.
But according to her she did love the idea of being a slave just with me and no one else as her master.

Now here is where we begin to have problems. She has set ideas as what it means to be a slave
and set ideas as to what it means to be a master. And while stating repeatedly that she only wants to please
me ( a large part of the problem in our marriage before was her being spoiled) she also had a great deal of conditions set on how
This dynamic would work.
Now without going over all her conditions (which are not at all unreasonable) I was/ am very eager for this dynamic to Unfold.
The problem was and is time. And I fear that I put a great deal of pressure on it starting sooner rather than later as I saw it as a fix
to a lot of issues in out relationship.
( A quick side note. The "problems" I thought it would fix where things like her making 90% of the decisions in our marriage due to me wanting to always keep her happy even thou I hated it being very controling by nature. Ends up she hated being the one in Charge just as much. The other Problem I thought it would fix was sex. While we always had a great sex life I can never seem to get enough and thought "hey having a slave would be great as long as she is willing I could have sex everyday" which leads to the issue I'm having now)
To get back to the point I may have beat this subject to death and now she refuses to discuss it at all.
This leads us to tonight when I decided it would be a great idea to have some rough pre-work sex ( I work graves and she had continuously told me to be more assertive ) and proceded to force her to her knees then bend her over the bed all the while telling her she was my little whore and would due what I wanted when I wanted so on and so forth.
She responded great with "yes sir" and following comands.... For about the first 10 min then she very subtly reminded me she was still badly hungover from new years eve by turning a little green.
Obviously by my earlier post I lost all desire to continue and after tucking her into bed apologized for the shitty timing and left for work.
Now I'm not sure If I came here (to the forums) looking to here that I'm just a shit Dom due to my inability to just not care if she is into it or wondering if it is even possible to start a Master Slave dynamic 16 years into a marriage.
To end this post let me say that we love eachother very much so much so that I think we would both rather go back a vanilla life style then ruin our marriage.
But I don't think that's what either of us wants.
So I ask for advice. And apologize for the wall of text.
And again please forgive the grammar and spelling I am posting with an iPhone while working. : )
Cula

(in reply to Outlier2)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 6:10:12 AM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		My other half isn't crazy about having sex with me when I'm not into it either. Which is a problem for me sometimes, because I do want him to do it, whether it's what I want at the moment or not. I'm just contradictory at times like that.
A lot of what I have had to get over as we've been exploring these things is that MY ideas about the states of slavery and mastery are certainly important, but as the s-type, I need to follow his lead on these things. Perhaps that is something the two of you could discuss?

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 6:41:18 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		She needs a lot of education in what D/s is. She has all these preconceived ideas of what a master does or a slave does and so on. All it comes down to is that you make the decisions and she obeys. So when she refuses to talk about sex, why aren't you asserting your dominance and punishing her? I don't normally recommend punishment over communication but in this instance I think she's looking to be forced into obeying you.

You could just spank her, assuming you don't do that for play. Or make her stand in the corner. Or scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush. Anything unpleasant that will not harm her but will remind her who makes the decisions.

Beyond that, I'd get a book about sex, and read it together, asking her at frequent intervals if she likes that position or not.

However your marriage was rocky before this, and d/s or m/s is not a cure for a bad marriage. Try couple therapy.

As far as sex goes. He feeds off my energy and wants me to enjoy it. But if I said I was nauseous or sick, he wouldn't demand it either. If I don't feel that I can be orgasmic that day, then he just gets a bj and doesn't play with me. There are ways for you to get your needs met without making her feel like a failure because she can't cum.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to mbes)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 7:53:44 AM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Thanks
Unfortunately she flat out refuses to talk about/ write down
Anything to due with her likes/dislike when it comes to sex.



You're to be commended for your love of your wife and concern for her well being. As any good relationship, no matter your bend, should be.

But communication is big in any type of relationship and some details need to be discussed. I don't know what you do when she refuses to do the above, but maybe tell her how important it is. If she still refuses, tell her to go clean the gutters, shovel snow, whatever and think about it. Take away something if that don't work. If she still persist, tell her not to plan anything for about a week, except for the have to do's....lol. Things like this could be very telling in which way your relationship will go. Just my thoughts.

Personally, that would make me crazy. Letting me get away with something that really needs to be discussed would just frustrate me. Good luck to you.




_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 8:41:33 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset.



Yes!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 8:43:11 AM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		I believe there is a lot of communication/writing to have in the near future. I would have her do an assignment .. subject would be "what is you description of a slave". 1000 words , hand written neatly... (just my opinion)... then discussion about what her view is and what yours is..That would be just a start.

_____________________________

_"Here is something you should never do to anyone.And here is exactly how to do it to someone you care about". Flagg._



(in reply to anniezz338)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 4:32:13 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

First off let me say that Im posting from an iPhone so I apologize for the spelling and grammar.


Aren't they fun?
quote:


Question
While I enjoy all aspects of being a Dom I seem to lose interest in sex when I know (or even think) that my partner is not enjoying themselves. Now I think this is due to my both being an empathetic fellow and having my sub/slave be my wife whom I love.
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset.

Provide her pleasure at and for your pleasure.

It's if you can't relate to her as dom/sub while doing the things that are mutually enjoyable that is a problem.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Question - 1/2/2011 4:38:27 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula
Now here is where we begin to have problems. She has set ideas as what it means to be a slave
and set ideas as to what it means to be a master.

Question: Set ideas how to be a slave and how to be a master or set ideas on how she wants to have a master/slave dynamic?
quote:


Now I'm not sure If I came here (to the forums) looking to here that I'm just a shit Dom due to my inability to just not care if she is into it or wondering if it is even possible to start a Master Slave dynamic 16 years into a marriage.

There is nothing wrong with caring that she doesn't feel well - I presume you allowed her to drink to the extent where she would be so hungover. Bring her home some OJ and bend her over the bed once she's slept.
quote:


So I ask for advice. And apologize for the wall of text.
And again please forgive the grammar and spelling I am posting with an iPhone while working. : )
Cula


Talk.

Talk a lot. Write letters to each other and to yourself. Strongly consider a kink-friendly therapist. Obviously you have relationship issues and a power dynamic isn't a quick fix. But it maybe learning together could help you two. Who knows?

Communication is going to be vital. I wish you all the best!


_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Question - 1/3/2011 11:36:03 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula
The question is can one maintain dom while having this mindset?

That depends on what you mean by "dom". Carol would tell you that I am very dominant -- not just with her, but with the world at large. Other people of a more BDSM-ey persuasion would tell you that I'm not dominant at all. But whether I'm dominant or not, I happen to like mutually enjoyable sex. For me, it's not so much that if she's not in the mood, then I don't want to force her. It's more like, "If she's not in the mood, then the thing I want isn't available to me anyway so why bother?"

For us, it goes like this...

Carol is in the mood: WOOHOO! Great time is had by all.
Carol is not in mood: I exert dominance on her to get her into the mood then see above.
The above fails: Almost inevitably that leaves her at "neutral" which works it's way into something positive once we get started.

VERY rarely, I have taken Carol when she was vigorously against the idea. I took minimal pleasure in doing so. I did it because our relationship needed it to be done.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Question - 1/3/2011 12:04:23 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I think all men, Dom or not should be concerned whether their partner is enjoying themselves sexually.

Why is that even a question?

You have elaborated on your situation and it is more complicated that the first post. I would advise, like the others, to communicate openly.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Question - 1/3/2011 12:15:35 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		it must just be me but i can enjoy her not enjoying herself

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Question - 1/3/2011 12:20:59 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		It takes all kinds, osf, all kinds.

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Question - 1/3/2011 1:06:01 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		but my kind isn't always kind

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Question - 1/3/2011 3:33:19 PM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

it must just be me but i can enjoy her not enjoying herself


trust me, it's not just you.

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Question Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.095