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Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 5:49:04 PM   
GhitaAmati


Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		How do you explain what BDSM means to you, to someone who doesnt understand BDSM? I mean, its easy in a way to understand some of the physical aspects of it, but I mean the metal aspects. How it effects your mind, the impact it has on your life. How do you explain that connection you have when someone really gets inside your head and starts pulling your strings in that super good way?
When you are talking to someone who believes that its wrong for someone to try to control someone else's mind and how its wrong for someone to open up that much of their head to someone else, how do you make them see what a good thing it is to you and how much you want it?

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 5:50:28 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
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Status: offline 		They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I think tying them up and paddlin tha hell out of'em is worth a hundred pictures. 

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 5:53:26 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Generally if I'm talking to someone who doesn't understand and thinks it's a bad thing, I limit what I share with them.  I simply tell them that we take care of each other, and doing things for him is a way of expressing my love for him.  Hell, it took me years to understand what I do about M/s, D/s, BDSM, etc., and I've been this way all my life.  I can't expect someone who doesn't lean this way to get it in one conversation, and I'd rather not leave them confused or concerned.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 5:53:55 PM   
BurntKitty


Posts: 3340
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From: Here To Eternity.
Status: offline 		I don't explain in detail. For the most part I let whoever asks know I like the sensation of the flogger and/or paddle. Any more private details are, well, private.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 6:01:07 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

When you are talking to someone who believes that its wrong for someone to try to control someone else's mind and how its wrong for someone to open up that much of their head to someone else, how do you make them see what a good thing it is to you and how much you want it?

Maybe you don't. If they already believe something is "wrong," it may be hard to change their thinking at all. Making them see something "wrong" as a "good thing" may just be impossible. I don't have a need to explain it to anyone but if they were of such a mindset, I think I would just keep it very basic. Something like: "Without going into too much of our personal details, let's just say that I love Him being 'the boss.' I love serving Him as much as He loves being served and it works for us for me to defer to Him in all matters" or something along those lines. If they still find that "wrong," it's just wasted breath probably...........luci

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 6:16:23 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		If they don't understand the bare basics of bdsm, they don't need to know anymore from me.

It's up to the uninitiated to start that conversation. And it'll need to be from more than a nosey, voyeuristic interest.

Focus.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 6:29:10 PM   
NihilusZero


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From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		You're not really trying to explain BDSM at all. You're trying to explain your emotional reaction to something socially counter-culture that you've taken into your life to someone who likely doesn't share the same interest/enjoyment.

You do that in the same way anyone else does it for any other reason: honestly, being forthright about how it fulfills you, and with reasonable preparation of the fact that some might think less of you because of it.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 6:30:56 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
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Status: offline 		If you take the kink out, your left with being in a relationship that others don't approve of.
Why beat yourself up trying to explain that you're happy? Kind of defeats the purpose of being happy, no?

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 6:55:17 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		I go with the concept of a more "traditional" relationship but i agree with others. If they think it is wrong you likely wont be able to change their minds.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 7:53:50 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		my explaination will depend on how they respond to my being in to bdsm. if they think its wrong then i say its ok for you. if they are intrested i explain that i choose the one that i submit to and the trust involved. if after that they want more then i will tell them but otherwise W/we are A/all happy and thats the importaint part

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 8:15:23 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati
When you are talking to someone who believes that its wrong for someone to try to control someone else's mind and how its wrong for someone to open up that much of their head to someone else, how do you make them see what a good thing it is to you and how much you want it?


Not sure how you will convince your friend but here is something to consider. Pavlovian conditioning. Whether your friend realizes it or not, people have controlled his/her mind to a certain extent through out his/her life. Growing up, being taught the differenc between right and wrong. The "see, I told you so's" from friends when he/her made a bad decision. So is it so far fetchted to your friend the submitting is a wonderful thing? That brings up a funny question. Do Dom(mes) realize people have controlled them in the past? But the is a subject for another thread!

All you can do is explain what is about BDSM you enjoy and why you enjoy it. A good friend will respect your decision even if they do not understand it.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/17/2011 8:16:44 PM   
IrishMist


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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

How do you explain what BDSM means to you, to someone who doesnt understand BDSM?

I don't. I simply say 'this is what I like' and leave it at that. If they don't understand, it's not up to me to force them to understand.
quote:

When you are talking to someone who believes that its wrong for someone to try to control someone else's mind and how its wrong for someone to open up that much of their head to someone else, how do you make them see what a good thing it is to you and how much you want it?

It's not my job to MAKE anyone see anything in regards to what is good for me. The only one who matters in that instance is ME.


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 5:01:57 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I wouldn't even try the control stuff beyond saying that it makes me feel loved and protected and that I feel like this because I felt unnoticed no matter what I did as a kid when I needed more attention and what is more attentive than someone setting rules to make you safer?

The part I would focus on is why this other person is afraid to be emotionally vulnerable with his/her partner. If you aren't able to open up and share everything, every small fear and niggling insecurity, then you aren't really being loved. You certainly aren't sharing your authentic self, you aren't known. Instead, you have to spend your time maintaining a fake persona for them to think they're in love with while saying to yourself the whole time that if he/she really knew you then he/she wouldn't be with you. And I have no interest in doing that. I wouldn't even think of defending that, I take it for granted. And I would turn the table and attack their wrong thinking.

Physically, some people enjoy spicy foods and others don't. It doesn't mean one is right and the other wrong. There's no morality involved when it comes to the sense of taste and I see no reason why it should magically be a moral thing when it's the sense of touch. People enjoy being scared at a horror movie, senses of sight and hearing. Roller coasters, etc. Just because they're conflicted about their sexuality and have to have it shored around with right and wrong when none of that applies to any of the other senses is their problem and not mine.

But in general, you do better not to explain, not to defend. But to act from the moral high ground and attack their beliefs. In exactly the same way they are attacking yours. Never apologize, never explain. If you have to defend yourself, then that attitude by itself  makes them think you are guilty.


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 5:19:09 AM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		For me, it totally depends on where it's coming from. if it's because they see the bruises, or me getting slapped, or something, I just tell them that I like it. They are often left not understanding, but getting that I do like it. (mostly from the smile I get and how I light up talking about it...)

then there are people who think that the power exchange (or whatever it's called) is not right. Or that having more then one partner is wrong. to them, I always say, "I am not asking *you* to be involved in it. Just respect that *I* am." (this conversation came up mostly when I had to ask permission to have a soda...)

*edited to add*
if someone really does want to know, I answer there questions. If they want to know more, I talk a little bit about my story, refure them to some books, and tell them that the most important thing, starting off with, is to stay safe, and learn about your self.



< Message edited by onlyfreelycaged -- 1/18/2011 5:24:38 AM >

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 5:20:11 AM   
CerVeza


Posts: 156
Joined: 10/13/2010
Status: offline 		To outsiders, don't try to explain it.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 5:30:29 AM   
salemartist


Posts: 195
Joined: 12/17/2010
From: Salem
Status: offline 		I dont try to defend myself, if you start out on the defensive you will likely end up in an arguement
and if it is with someone closed minded, you will all but lose that arguement.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 5:54:35 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Regarding bruises, I always request, "no bruises that my coworkers can see."

When I'm at the nude beach, sometimes I say, "The first rule about Fight Club..." and then my friends in the know fill in the blanks.

Once I was at the GYN the day after a scene. Before I got naked, I told her, "You are going to see bruises. They were Safe, Sane and Consensual." I've said the same thing to a massage therapist.

If it comes up with friends, I don't get defensive. I say "vanilla sex bores me."

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 6:16:13 AM   
preytolife


Posts: 138
Joined: 11/29/2010
From: LaLa Land
Status: offline 		I don't. I tell them it's all consensual and that it's personal and none of their business.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 8:25:47 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Why do you feel the need to explain yourself?

BadOne

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 8:31:33 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I never try to explain. I have even tried to explain some things to people who are into it and sometimes they don't even get it.


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