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looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:01:12 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		OK, first, to explain who I am.  I am a married Dom and service top in an open relationship.  I'm the opposite of those professionally successful alpha males who serve as the cream of a pro-domme's clientele,  I'm professionally fairly unsuccessful, not terribly educated (some college, no degree, working on one now) and not an alpha in my day to day life but with an intense need to be in control and a burning attraction to successful, powerful women who need to submit.I'm in Ohio.  My wife likes playing sub but doesn't sub to me.  She's got a Dom that is currently online only, may become more than that but there are no plans in that direction at the moment.

I meanwhile sort of have 3 subs.

I'll go from least intense to most with these

First there is a beautiful geologist who lives in Northern Canada.  She's collared, with permission to play with me online.  Sounds extremely casual but to make it more complex she's a switch and credits me with having flipped her switch firmly into the sub position.  She credits that with why her Dom was interested in offering a collar rather than continuing the relatively casual relationship they had at the level it was at.  I don't see this going anywhere but where it is, but it is there, and it is intense enough to be worth mentioning.

Secondly there is a woman in California who is in a don't ask don't tell marriage.  She's mentioned me to her husband and he is ok with it so long as he doesn't have it shoved in his face.  She's new to D/s and somewhat overwhelmed by the feelings I inspire in her.  I like her quite a bit, I can see us having a nice online D/s relationship with occasional realtime visits (her financial situation and mine are both bad enough they'd have to only be occasional) but it is not intense enough, for me, that it is something that has to happen or something I'd be heartbroken about if it ended.  Sad and frustrated sure, but not heartbroken.

And then we have the one that I am head over heels for.  She's in Arizona, beautiful, brilliant, very respected professionally, head over heels for me, and married to a man who does not know and would not approve.  I don't want to steal her, she's happy with him aside from sexually (he apparently has a very low sex drive) and they have a child together.  Even just the online and occasional phone relationship that we have is not something he would be at all happy to find out about and taking it any further would, obviously be something that would break the poor man's heart if he discovered it.  I'm not a supporter of cheating generally, and really didn't intend to be in the situation I am in, however I'm at the point now where ending it would leave me absolutely devastated and am really unsure what to do.  I don't fall in love easily, aside from my wife it had been ten years since someone got that deeply into my heart, and when that ended I attempted suicide and was severely depressed for several years. 

I do have a tough hide, those of you that want to castigate me for fooling around with a married woman in a non-open relationship, feel free to open cannons, some helpful criticism would be much more appreciated though.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:03:53 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Breathing only a little bit of poison at a time is only going to prolong your death throes, but you will die anyway.

 

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:05:19 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		You already know what I'm going to tell you about the 'behind someone's back' situation.  What feedback are you looking for exactly?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:06:37 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I'm not really sure what you are looking for? People to judge you? People to tell you what to do? Or is this just a cathartic exercise?

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:08:28 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc

I'm not really sure what you are looking for? People to judge you? People to tell you what to do? Or is this just a cathartic exercise?


All three?

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:19:55 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		that's a seven paragraph cliche

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:20:59 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Cannot provide feeback on someone's self inflicted dramas. Hope it all works out the way you want.

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:31:59 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh
All three?


You sure?  Keep something in mind, Nin.  The fact that I happen to think we're on friendly terms doesn't change My opinion on the matter.  You may very much not like what I have to say.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:33:11 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh
All three?


You sure?  Keep something in mind, Nin.  The fact that I happen to think we're on friendly terms doesn't change My opinion on the matter.  You may very much not like what I have to say.



Like I said, tough hide.  I assure you I can take it.

And yes, I do think we're on friendly terms and have quite a bit of respect for you.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:33:56 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc

I'm not really sure what you are looking for? People to judge you? People to tell you what to do? Or is this just a cathartic exercise?


All three?


But why?

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:37:25 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc


quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

quote:

ORIGINAL: RCdc

I'm not really sure what you are looking for? People to judge you? People to tell you what to do? Or is this just a cathartic exercise?


All three?


But why?


Because it's been bouncing around in my head and needed to come out.

I do indeed feel guilty about the whole sneaking thing and having someone tell me off for it will serve to either get my hackles up (thus making me feel less guilty) motivate me to do something about it, or be cathartic in the way a good beating can be.

Meanwhile there's this tiny part of me that hopes there is some magical solution that will make everyone happy that I just haven't thought of.  I know it's extremely unlikely, but hey, I can't keep from hoping.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:37:56 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Breathing only a little bit of poison at a time is only going to prolong your death throes, but you will die anyway.



This.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:41:13 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

Meanwhile there's this tiny part of me that hopes there is some magical solution that will make everyone happy that I just haven't thought of.  I know it's extremely unlikely, but hey, I can't keep from hoping.



There is no magical solution. Quit wasting your time and energy.......hence the poison. It really will poison you.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:41:31 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		The feelings you feel are genuine and the pain you feel will be likewise. If you have gotten to the point of having that deep of feelings with a married person then do yourself and her a favour and end it quickly. She is married. period.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:42:43 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh
Like I said, tough hide.  I assure you I can take it.

And yes, I do think we're on friendly terms and have quite a bit of respect for you.


Quick reminder, Hon.  You asked.

I think what you're doing sucks.  I honestly don't care that it's online only and you aren't physically screwing the woman behind her husband's back.  You're creating an emotional bond with someone who doesn't have that as an acceptable situation under the terms of their marriage.

We poly and/or open marriage people aren't excused from this.  I'm willing to bet that you and your wife at some point (probably more like continuing) sat down together and made the decisions that were right for you when having relationships with other people.  I don't know that much about yours, but for us, we've got some important stuff in there.  Things like making each other aware of other involvements, how we'll behave sexually, and other items.

You would want the your wife's partners to respect those areas.  You would want them to respect you and your marriage. 

Why aren't you doing that when it comes to somebody else?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:48:24 PM   
XenoMaster


Posts: 40
Joined: 1/24/2011
Status: offline 		Okay, strange.  You have a sub wife who subs to someone else while you want to dom?

Your first girl is online, something on the side; no real issues.

Your second is online, not much different.

Your last girl is cheating and you're rationalizing.  I find it amusing and sad how many people there are who say they are against cheating but somehow always manage to be the exception to their own rule.

Okay, I'm going to move into the hypothetical.  You're most likely not in love.  You're infatuated, obsessed, horny, and want her.  It is very, very rare that someone can truly fall in love without ever actually meeting.  Your D/s relationships are all with people you don't spend much time being around except in controlled circumstances.  Neither of you have had to put up with each other while at your worst.

I'd let the third girl go and be miserable and heart-broken for a week or two and then try to get some real-time in person relationships going.  I think you'll be happier.

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:49:17 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh
Because it's been bouncing around in my head and needed to come out.

I do indeed feel guilty about the whole sneaking thing and having someone tell me off for it will serve to either get my hackles up (thus making me feel less guilty) motivate me to do something about it, or be cathartic in the way a good beating can be.

Meanwhile there's this tiny part of me that hopes there is some magical solution that will make everyone happy that I just haven't thought of.  I know it's extremely unlikely, but hey, I can't keep from hoping.


Maybe just putting it 'out there' is cathartic enough now... only time well tell that.

There probably isn't a magical solution. I'm not the kind of person who thinks cheating is an absolute and I don't pass judgement on people that way, because it's not like you actively went out and looked for the relationship (as you say). The key is what she is to you... bottom or s-type... and the responsibility you have to look after her if you are in kind of relationship (which isn't clear).

Personally I don't think an online forum such as this, is the ideal place to get feedback. It can only damage you in the long run.


_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 2:59:28 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: XenoMaster
I'd let the third girl go and be miserable and heart-broken for a week or two and then try to get some real-time in person relationships going.  I think you'll be happier.



While this might be the best advice in the long run... I don't think that a week or two would cut it in cases like this. I really do believe that people have to take care not to issue the whole cut and get over it scenario in cases where depression and suicide attempts have occurred. Councilling definitely... therapy etc... but not to just leave it a couple of weeks and get over it. There has to be back up. It poses too much of a risk otherwise.(Hope you didn't mind me saying).


_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to XenoMaster)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 3:02:31 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		All in all in the end you will get what you deserve

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: looking for feedback - 1/27/2011 3:04:34 PM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

blah blah blah.. cheat lie deceive.



What is left of you once your integrity, honesty and (perceived) values are gone?


_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 20
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