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InvisibleBlack -> RE: A Guide for Dominant Men: How to Preserve Yourself (3/19/2011 10:46:27 AM)
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Okay. I came to the party late but what the heck.
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ORIGINAL: BenevolentM
Let me begin by saying that I am a straight Dominant male.
Actually, I believe this is irrelevant to your underlying issue of dealing with the inability to find a satisfactory relationship and addressing loneliness and developing coping mechanisms. This is a universal issue and spans all humans, regardless of oritientation, gender or sexual proclivity.
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I am also one of the most extraordinary individuals who have ever lived. Yet, I am without a soul mate. Few men could ever claim to be my equal.
I will graciously grant you all of the above. Being extraordinary and without peer does not enhance one's attractiveness to the opposite sex. There are endless examples of this. Incredible scientists, artists, achievers throughout history remained single or endured horrifically troubled relationships or long strings of chaotic and brief interactions. I would argue that being slightly above the median probably does enhance one's attractiveness but being extremely superior in multiple areas more renders one unable to interact properly with the "average" individual on a romantic basis than it does make one a superstud.
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Yet, I know what it is to be lonely and I have been abused by women. What I am saying is that if you are unloved, I too know what it is to be unloved.
I believe this is part of the human condition and universal. It is no more extraordinary or less extraordinary than any other person's story. The catalog of "he/she done me wrong" songs and "I'm so alone" tales is endless and spans history.
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The topic of this thread is how to preserve you for that special someone.
I belive this can be addressed along two different paths - a) how to remain positive while alone and b) how to locate an acceptable prospective relationship candidate.
To the former - being positive and feeling healthy, integral and whole should not be dependent on having a partner. Moments of loneliness or minor depressions at dating failures or periods of isolation are normal but a continuous bleak despair at not being able to form a connection is indicative of some underlying problem. My suggestion would be to develop multiple areas where you are doing or achieving things that make you feel positive about yourself and that occupy your attention sufficiently that they keep your focus (i.e. do things that you enjoy and that make you feel upbeat). What these things are is unique to each individual and may require some introspection. Avoid activities that are self-negating or simply pointless distractions from the unpleasant aspects of your life. Work over time to reduce those unpleasant aspects and spend less time dwelling on them and more time addressing them. (Note that for some - posting on a BDSM dating site would fall into this category.)
To the latter - to borrow someone else's phrase: "The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." You pick the women you form attachments to. You choose to seek relationships and interactions in the places you seek them. Given there are more than eight billion people on the planet the possibility of a successful and long lasting relationship for anyone exists. If you are only engaging in unpleasant and abusive romantic interactions that is, at some level, because those are the interactions you are seeking. Review the commonalities between the people you have been attracted to and try to distill out why you found those people attractive and what the common dynamics were in your unhappy interactions. See if you can discover what it was about those interactions that you needed or wanted and why you continued to create them. If you can a handle on that, you can begin to change the underlying nature of your relationships.
Furthermore, a common problem behind difficulties finding partners is a stubborn need to have the other person conform to your preferred method of attracting a partner. Some methods appeal to a larger subset of people than others. To increase your success rate, you will have to alter your methods of approach. For example - impressing a woman with your brilliance does have an appeal but it appeals to a smaller section of women than does being devastingly physically attractive. In my experience, being confident, dynamic and self-assured has the greatest appeal to the largest segment of women - which actually gives Dominants an advantage in the dating arena if not necessarily in the succesful long-term relationship arena. Rather than expecting women to come to you because of your unique features, the onus is on you to discover how to approach them. To put it simply - you want something from someone else therefore the burden is on you to discover how to appeal to them. If they wanted to go out with you, then the requirement would be on them.
Basically, if it's not working for you - change yourself to become someone that women you find attractive would want to go out with and change your methods of pursuit to something that appeals to the women you like. The alternative is continue using your present methods and hope that statistical odds eventually result in your coming across whatever fraction of the planet's population that would appeal to.
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