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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:31:32 PM

vegetablelamb

Posts: 40
Joined: 7/29/2010
From: The Cabbage Patch
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5

He doesn't deserve her now. She WILL deserve such treatment if she stays. The first time someone mistreats you, you are a victim, the second time you are a volunteer.

Were it me, I'd agree wholeheartedly. I don't think he deserves her, but she may think otherwise if she loves him. He may give her some glimmer of hope, and she may stay; it's all on how she paints the picture. If that's the case and she does stay then I hope, by some miracle, things at least work out and he pulls his head out of his ass. :P

(in reply to hlen5)

Post #: 21

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:34:09 PM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chaoticingenue
....... I guess I was hoping there was ANY other answer than "get the hell out." Especially since I CAN'T yet.

We get that you're broke. Get a job, save your money. If you stay in the relationship as well as the apt, practice safer sex. Heaven knows what he's bringing home.

I'm sorry you didn't get some great idea in how to turn him from a cheating liar into a man, but no one on this board can do that.

I'm sure you're hurting badly. I'm sorry about that, too.

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(in reply to chaoticingenue)

Post #: 22

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:34:10 PM

chaoticingenue

Posts: 6
Joined: 5/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
I realize you may want sympathy and some cuddles and I am sure someone may give them to you... I might have had you not posted that last one. So far the stark truth hasn't convinced you... what will?

I PROMISE you I'm not looking for sympathy and cuddles. I completely expected to get yelled at. I guess I was stupidly hoping that my situation was different and that I wasn't being a total fucking moron. I hear everything that everyone is saying and I know it's true - it's just hard to accept because I'm sitting here in another state and I don't have the "pick up and leave" option. I really don't.

He's not going to hurt me physically. I swear on everything that exists in the world. I'm not in any physical danger.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 23

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:35:06 PM

hausboy

Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CarpeComa

quote:

ORIGINAL: hausboy

and ditto on the tied up part. No one---NO ONE---should be tied up and left alone for any length of time. Just recently attended a lecture by Jay Wiseman, who gave a number of case studies on deaths that occurred when subs were tied up and left alone. He's a cheater....AND a poor Dom. Please lose this guy fast!

Really? I would want citations for that. The statistical odds of that occurring without aggravating factors (such as tied in a unsafe manner or known medical problems) are incredibly small. How often just sitting around home is your life in mortal peril? I would wager that you are statistically safer tied up at home than taking a 30 minute drive to work.

Hi CarpeComa
He actually does have statistics--you can contact him through his website or his FetLife account. Jay Wiseman is one of the few recognized "expert" witnesses in courts for BDSM related injuries and deaths, and he has investigated numerous field deaths that resulted from bondage and people left alone. A small number were fires--the majority were unfortunate accidental asphyxiation incidents. Every single case had one common denominator--the deceased was tied up such that he or she couldn't free themselves--and they were left alone.

edited to add: www.jaywiseman.com I've known Jay a long time--met him 15 years ago. He's very approachable--contact him if you want statistics. I can guarantee he will repeat to you the "don't tie up and leave someone alone" mantra.

< Message edited by hausboy -- 3/27/2011 9:38:10 PM >

(in reply to CarpeComa)

Post #: 24

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:40:20 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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quote:

but he's incredible to me except for this.

Darling, there is nothing other than this. None of the rest of it matters in the slightest.

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Post #: 25

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:40:31 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
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Chaotic, do yourself a favor. One day when you have a few minutes, do look up the symptoms/signs of abusers. Then look up the time that is most dangerous. When you threaten to leave or leave. So far you still do not believe he is or would be abusive. Convince me sweetie... look it all up. He is showing multiple signs of a man close to the edge who will often times abuse. Don't believe me... please don't... google.

There are safe houses near by most places, even in small communities. They can transport you to another shelter and some may have funds to get you back home. Be your own best friend here... get pro active.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 3/27/2011 9:45:20 PM >

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Post #: 26

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:41:26 PM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

but he's incredible to me except for this.
Darling, there is nothing other than this. None of the rest of it matters in the slightest.

nevermind

< Message edited by hlen5 -- 3/27/2011 9:58:01 PM >

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Post #: 27

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:45:57 PM

chaoticingenue

Posts: 6
Joined: 5/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Chaotic, do yourself a favor. One day when you have a few minutes, do look up the symptoms of abusers. Then look up the time that is most dangerous. When you threaten to leave or leave. So far you still do not believe he is or would be abusive. Convince me sweetie... look it all up. He is showing multiple signs of a man close to the edge who will often times abuse. Don't believe me... please don't... google.

Ok. I have to go now because he's almost home, but I swear to you, I'll look it up. Thank you for the advice - you and everyone else. I hope I didn't depress everyone. I used to be really fun and happy, you know. I'm sorry I put myself in this mess.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 28

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:50:31 PM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chaoticingenue

...................... I completely expected to get yelled at.....He's not going to hurt me physically. I swear on everything that exists in the world. I'm not in any physical danger.

No one is yelling at you, they are trying to wake you up. There is a wealth of wisdom and experience on the board here trying to give you not what you want, but what you need.

Also, would you have sworn on everything that exists that he was the one for you? Please heed Lockit's wise counsel.

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Post #: 29

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:03:41 PM

CarpeComa

Posts: 194
Joined: 5/12/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hausboy

Hi CarpeComa
He actually does have statistics--you can contact him through his website or his FetLife account. Jay Wiseman is one of the few recognized "expert" witnesses in courts for BDSM related injuries and deaths, and he has investigated numerous field deaths that resulted from bondage and people left alone. A small number were fires--the majority were unfortunate accidental asphyxiation incidents. Every single case had one common denominator--the deceased was tied up such that he or she couldn't free themselves--and they were left alone.

edited to add: www.jaywiseman.com I've known Jay a long time--met him 15 years ago. He's very approachable--contact him if you want statistics. I can guarantee he will repeat to you the "don't tie up and leave someone alone" mantra.

I'll offer you a bet;

If I get the statistics from him and can reasonably show that being tied up at home for a reasonable length of time is no more dangerous than a normal everyday activity for a similar length of time, or that he doesn't have enough information to make a proper inference, then you have to go to the zoo and take a photo of yourself standing next to one of the spiders on display. You are welcome to suggest something for my half of the bet.

< Message edited by CarpeComa -- 3/27/2011 10:04:49 PM >

(in reply to hausboy)

Post #: 30

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:08:54 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

What normal activity can you do when bound so that you cannot get out of the binds? Oh... breathing. Peeing... pooping... what else? I fall down... I am not bound... I walk around doing dishes, get cut... I can get to a phone and even with a fire.. I stand a chance. Heart attack... oh yes.. might stand a chance there too... bound... little chance.

With even one death in stats... why take the chance?

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Post #: 31

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:10:35 PM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
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I can see both sides of the disagreement here.

Does the actual tying someone up present a danger, barring medical issues, no. Simply being tied up isn't the issue. Being tied up and left alone is the problem.

The danger comes from not being able to ungag your self if you have a coughing fit or reach the inhaler if you have an asthma attack. The danger is not being able to jump from the 2nd story window in case of a fire. The danger is the would-be robber, now rapist murderer getting in to where you are when you are defenseless.

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Post #: 32

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:13:12 PM

CarpeComa

Posts: 194
Joined: 5/12/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

What normal activity can you do when bound so that you cannot get out of the binds? Oh... breathing. Peeing... pooping... what else? I fall down... I am not bound... I walk around doing dishes, get cut... I can get to a phone and even with a fire.. I stand a chance. Heart attack... oh yes.. might stand a chance there too... bound... little chance.

With even one death in stats... why take the chance?

Because everything we do has at least one death in the stats. There is not a goddamn thing in this world that anyone does with any frequency that no one has died doing.

< Message edited by CarpeComa -- 3/27/2011 10:14:36 PM >

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 33

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:14:07 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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This may be true, but how many of them carry manslaughter charges?

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Post #: 34

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:15:01 PM

CarpeComa

Posts: 194
Joined: 5/12/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

This may be true, but how many of them carry manslaughter charges?

Quite a few. They can charge you with whatever they want.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 35

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:17:57 PM

maybemaybenot

Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

All I can say Carpe is I was happy to see in your profile that you have little interest in bondage. That's a very good thing.

mbmbn

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Post #: 36

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:25:20 PM

CarpeComa

Posts: 194
Joined: 5/12/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5

I can see both sides of the disagreement here.

Does the actual tying someone up present a danger, barring medical issues, no. Simply being tied up isn't the issue. Being tied up and left alone is the problem.

The danger comes from not being able to ungag your self if you have a coughing fit or reach the inhaler if you have an asthma attack. The danger is not being able to jump from the 2nd story window in case of a fire. The danger is the would-be robber, now rapist murderer getting in to where you are when you are defenseless.

Asthma counts as medical. Barring the coughing fit (which can easily be remedied by not gagging them), how often do any of those other things happen?

(in reply to hlen5)

Post #: 37

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:28:48 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CarpeComa

I'll offer you a bet;

If I get the statistics from him and can reasonably show that being tied up at home for a reasonable length of time is no more dangerous than a normal everyday activity for a similar length of time, or that he doesn't have enough information to make a proper inference, then you have to go to the zoo and take a photo of yourself standing next to one of the spiders on display. You are welcome to suggest something for my half of the bet.

*raises a hand*

i'd be happy to assist in offering an appropriate suggestion for CarpeComa.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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Post #: 38

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:32:26 PM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CarpeComa

...Asthma counts as medical. Barring the coughing fit (which can easily be remedied by not gagging them), how often do any of those other things happen?

I would not want to be with someone who was so cavalier about even a(n admittedly) very small likelihood of danger.

< Message edited by hlen5 -- 3/27/2011 10:33:49 PM >

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Post #: 39

RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 10:37:39 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Let me get this straight...while long distance yet, not having moved in yet together, you still moved in with him knowing he was fucking around on you behind your back?

Seems you knew all along what was going on and just willfully chose to ignore it all. Did you suddenly think it would change just because you now live together?

Hon, tigers don't change their stripes.

(in reply to hausboy)

Post #: 40

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