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ORIGINAL: chaoticingenue

It's true, I don't want him seeing the post and this is a fake name. He doesn't read the boards, but he does follow my profile. I never, ever thought I'd be in a position like this - I've never been the jealous type or comfortable snooping on people, and I never thought I'd stay with someone who cheated on me. I know it seems obvious to you guys that I should leave, but he's incredible to me except for this.

Does it help that he did all of that when we were long distance and he felt we weren't really in a relationship? Except for the current hiding her pictures stuff, of course.

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ORIGINAL: porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

i totally agree that there is. however, once the person is tied it is totally in the other persons control as to what happens from there. the person in control has a duty of care no matter what the agreement is. in this case of the OP, ok it's happened and she already knows not to let him do it again. i personally think the guy is a total cock for leaving her anyway but for over 5 hours to get his end blown by his ex. he needs a kink in it.

No, he doesn't have a duty. You hope he uses his marbles and won't hurt you. And if you're hoping and wishing you've probably made a very bad decision. As for this debacle, the man can only do what she permits and she allows herself to be mistreated. Victimization is a choice and she prefers that existence to being apart from the alleged. In short, she values the relationship more than herself.

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my post above it dirrected at someone who is trying to say that it's ok to leave someone alone because it's more dangerous walking down the street. that as maybe, but you can't control that anymore than you can control a situation if you are not there.

i take a lot of risks in wiitwd. i assume he isn't going to lop my noggin' off when he swings a single tail and turn me into a human bobblehead. i expect that he knows where to strike me and how to avoid sensitive organs. i willingly subject myself to all sort of psychological conditioning that could send me to a shrink. But i'm aware of the risks and trust the person in that position. i don't expect that nothing will ever go awry. But i know in more instances than not i'm in good hands. That's the difference. i know this because i know HIM.

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we all know hindsight is a wonderful thing. so here is the lesson for anyone new to this to learn. don't leave someone on their own unless you are willing to go to jail for manslaughter if it all goes wrong. coz like it or not, concent from the tied is not going to stop the prosecution happening. responsibility for actions and wants is on both shoulders, but when the shit hits the fan, it's on the binder only.

my lessons drawn:

Shitty choices lead to shitty consequences. The degree of the first has a huge impact on the latter.
Allowing your crotch to be your barometer for mate selection has risks. Choose wisely.
Becoming a human ostrich doesn't alleviate the truth. Ignoring a problem won't make it disappear.
Bartering for love at the expense of your self respect and dignity rarely goes well. You lose every time.
If you want to find happiness address the void; stop sticking poisonous stuff inside of it to eliminate the space.
Own your junk. You just might learn a thing or two in the process.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: porcelaine

And another thing.

More than a few self-professed submissives aren't looking to do that. What they're seeking is a man in dominant clothing that will enable their self-destructive and codependent behavior. And when they find one capable of doing this and extending the concept well beyond their boundaries, we get threads like this.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Save your money.  Leave when you have the ability.
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ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

i can agree to disagree but i will not change my mind that when you accept control of someone so that they are nolonger in control of themself, you also should be accepting the duty of care for their well being too. for me if you don't then you don't deserve that level of control in the first place.

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surely if you are anything of a descent person you'd do that anyway? even in a casual sence i'd take that as my resonsibility, but then i guess i don't want someone else's misfortune on my conscience either. also no-one is worth me ending up with a prison term if it all hits the fan, i'm a bit selfish like that.

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you talk about your Dom? and you hoping he isn't going to make a mistake in hitting you and so on. a valid point, however, the fact is is that he is there with you. if he makes a mistake or something goes wrong he's there to help you or get help elsewhere.

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the law i'm affraid doesn't care about you owning your own junk or anything else.

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ORIGINAL: needlesandpins


of course it could be that you are lucky enough to have never found yourself in such a position and so can afford to be blase about it.

if i'm getting it wrong please correct me.

needles

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ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

ok, i'm not entirely sure what you mean by the above. what we have here is a woman who fell in love with a, on first appearence, charming Dom. so all the other stuff has happened and yes the latter stuff, after knowing what he is like from the previous, is her fault for staying. but maybe you and others are in a very fortunate position of knowing yourselves and what you want more than the op and others like her. since finding out what he's like i doubt that she is still truely in love with him, more the idea of what it could have been, and wants it to be, and not wanting to give in without a fight.

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ORIGINAL: porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

i can agree to disagree but i will not change my mind that when you accept control of someone so that they are nolonger in control of themself, you also should be accepting the duty of care for their well being too. for me if you don't then you don't deserve that level of control in the first place.

One of the reasons people have such a hard time with all of this is the attempt to apply qualifiers in BDSM that are non existent in society. What an individual *should do* and what they *elect to do* aren't always in sync. You don't need to agree with me. Because that baby is a fundamental truth that's been proven time and time again. And why it would ever disappear simply because someone wields a whip or calls themselves a submissive baffles the heck out of me.

Furthermore, *deserving control* and being *granted control* don't always run parallel. And i don't need to debate that. There's a truckload of threads on various venues that support this theory. At the end of the day she elected to put him in that place. What he does with it is something altogether different.

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surely if you are anything of a descent person you'd do that anyway? even in a casual sence i'd take that as my resonsibility, but then i guess i don't want someone else's misfortune on my conscience either. also no-one is worth me ending up with a prison term if it all hits the fan, i'm a bit selfish like that.

This has nothing to do with decency, at least not from the angle you're spinning. Either the person cares or they don't. It really is that simple. If he does, your well being is a priority. If he doesn't, good luck. And for what it's worth reckless people don't think along the lines you've mentioned. They rarely take into consideration the ramifications of their stupidity. And usually see a overly rosy outcome in its place. Your sense of responsibility compels you to behave a certain way. Remove that from the picture and you get a different animal.

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you talk about your Dom? and you hoping he isn't going to make a mistake in hitting you and so on. a valid point, however, the fact is is that he is there with you. if he makes a mistake or something goes wrong he's there to help you or get help elsewhere.

No, that isn't it at all. It's a matter of self love and respect in all truth. i love me far too much to allow him to muck it up. That's it in the nutshell. When you come from that place you avoid the scenarios you're painting. Does that mean i've never endured hardship? No. But before we reach the point of me being restrained and left for hours on end, there are definite signs that i'm a pretty low priority. It's MY duty to spot them.

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the law i'm affraid doesn't care about you owning your own junk or anything else.

The law isn't infallible and judgments aren't always just. A situation as described could be ripped to shreds by a good litigator. And i wouldn't wish to be on the OP's side of the fence. Her culpability is too immense to ignore in my opinion.

Thanks for sharing. :)

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

And.........I could be wrong but I doubt it........the rest of us are saying that it is much MUCH more wrong.....for her to stay with him after the wrong and the much more wrong.

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ORIGINAL: porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

ok, i'm not entirely sure what you mean by the above. what we have here is a woman who fell in love with a, on first appearence, charming Dom. so all the other stuff has happened and yes the latter stuff, after knowing what he is like from the previous, is her fault for staying. but maybe you and others are in a very fortunate position of knowing yourselves and what you want more than the op and others like her. since finding out what he's like i doubt that she is still truely in love with him, more the idea of what it could have been, and wants it to be, and not wanting to give in without a fight.

i think you're being overly sensitive to the OP. you have no problem seeing the dominant's irresponsibility, but cannot connect the dots where she's concerned. i would ask you to think carefully about what she's disclosed. And keep in mind that's probably the tip of the iceberg. People usually hold something back when they're discussing these things. Do you sincerely believe that a well adjusted person would have continued this situation after she endured being restrained and left alone after a first meeting? And would you recommend that someone you cared for do the same if they shared a similar tale? i sure as hell wouldn't.

And if the blow job fiasco wasn't enough, she made other discoveries while there. Now we have two profoundly loud signs that this probably isn't a good situation to be involved in. But what does she do? Right. Again, would you recommend the same course of action to someone else? My answer remains the same.

And since tragedy comes in triple packs, we find yet another something (make that plural) has occurred. But wait, in spite of all the other warning signs she relocated and left herself penniless. You've got to be kidding me. One second, we're not done. Then, i mean then, after everything is said and done she comes here seeking advice on how to make it work. Do you really believe this woman has no idea how remotely bad this situation is? I don't. But even though it is beyond my imagination or tolerance level, she wants to make a go of it.

If this is love she needs to go cold turkey. And if you cannot see that there is truly something amiss with the OP to knowingly allow this thing to go on in spite of the glaring signs she was given for her protection, there's little more i can say. She will never break the cycle she's created until she recognizes her part. And that's what we're all saying in our own ways. I merely refuse to enable or pacify behavior that is going to get her hurt.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

The cheating part (yes, I consider a blow job cheating if they are supposed to be sexually monogamous) didn't get revealed until after the move.  All of the OP's money was spent to move there and (whoops) no exit strategy was planned on a financial level.  In three months, in this economy, it wouldn't surprise Me if the OP hasn't been able to find a job.  Their agreement in this might have been that she would be his submissive and he didn't want her to work.  I can see at least a few reasons why there hasn't been an income. 

I see mistakes in what has happened here.  Now it's a matter of dealing with the mistakes made.  Loved the comment of ovarian fortitude.  I might have to use that once in a while.