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RE: Dishonesty - 3/28/2011 10:27:32 AM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

that lot aside, the rest of what i am saying is aimed at CarpeComa who seems to be under the impression that it's fine to leave someone tied up on their own because of statistics rather than common sence. if you agree with that so be it. i don't for the reason i have mentioned.

And what i'm saying is that it's clear that he's not alone in his thinking, as the OP's actions prove she was more than willing to go along with it irregardless of the perceived safety issues mentioned. What i suspect he's suggesting is there's inherent risk in many of the activities we undertake and most don't consider the statistical risks prior to engagement. They assess it (if at all) based on their common sense or lack thereof).

quote:

as to this particular case. well the op is still alive and so therefore your reference to the legalities are totally different to someone who dies. had she died i think any litigator is going to have a seriously hard time.

my knowledge of the law and familiarity with very adept litigators would have me take a different stance. If you've got the money you can get yourself out of some pretty nifty jams. Always? Probably not. But definitely far more than most.

quote:

there are alot on here who have said it's wrong. wrong of her to have allowed it yes, but much more wrong of him to do it and take advantage of the situation for way too long. he didn't just pop to the shop 5 mins down the road.

my wrong-o-meter doesn't extend that far. If we stopped at his behavior and nothing else was disclosed, i'd be on board. But my sticking point is choice and she has made a choice in all of this. So no, i'm not going to say he was wrong to give her (on some level) what she was seeking. i will say i don't agree with the behavior on either side. But it clearly feeds something i cannot wrap my mind around. He did it. She allowed it and then forgave him. And continues to stay and in my opinion that's what's wrong.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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Post #: 81

RE: Dishonesty - 3/28/2011 10:31:39 AM

needlesandpins

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

And.........I could be wrong but I doubt it........the rest of us are saying that it is much MUCH more wrong.....for her to stay with him after the wrong and the much more wrong.

i'm not sure if that is directed at me LaT, if it is then maybe you have missed where i too actually agree with that? i haven't said anywhere that she should stay, or that she has been right to do so this long. in fact in my very first post i said she should leave.

if not directed at me then i have no idea where you are aiming it

needles

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Post #: 82

RE: Dishonesty - 3/28/2011 10:32:08 AM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

And.........I could be wrong but I doubt it........the rest of us are saying that it is much MUCH more wrong.....for her to stay with him after the wrong and the much more wrong.

*rolls* You KNOW that's the quote of the day!!!

Namaste,

~porcelaine

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Post #: 83

RE: Dishonesty - 3/28/2011 10:58:20 AM

leadership527

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~fast reply~

OK, my best shot at practical advice.

You dominant is a player, swinger, poly, whatever guy. You can't change that. So you're only option now is to accept it. I'd go to him and say, "Look I get it that you want to have an open relationship. Go ahead. You have my full blessings. There's no need to lie about it anymore" At least that way you can get the deception resolved. You should probably give some thought to STD's.

Now you can decide if you want a relationship like that. But you need to recognize that that IS the relationship you have. While you're sorting that out, you need to go do all those adult things like get a job, save money, etc. You also seriously need to work on having friends. I'm not exactly a vastly social creature, but if I was in dire straits there'd be any number of folks I could turn to for limited help... certainly enough to spring me loose from your situation. But you need to seriously start looking at your life... your life outside the house. When you have enough money you can then make a real decision... what sort of relationship do you want and is this it.

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Post #: 84

RE: Dishonesty - 3/28/2011 12:52:08 PM

LadyBeckett

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The truth is that a liar and a cheater, is a liar and a cheater. If one is in a relationship with a liar and a cheater, the choice becomes whether to stay in the relationship, or leave the relationship. However, the choice cannot be based on the question, "can I trust him/her". A liar and a cheater, is a liar and a cheater.

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Post #: 85

RE: Dishonesty - 3/28/2011 1:30:37 PM

LDVixen

Posts: 131
Joined: 11/28/2010
From: Southern CA
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You can get out. There ARE places you can go. If you want help, feel free to email me with your general location and I'll get you phone number you can call collect so the charges will not be listed on his bill. Staying in a relationship with a man like this is not okay. This has nothing to do with the scene and everything to do with being in a situation where this man is using you.

If you are going to stay there and allow it, then it is your choice, but understand it is a choice you are making. There is always, always, always a second choice. If you want help, there are people on this board who will help you get out of the situation you are now in. You simply need to ask for help.

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Post #: 86

RE: Dishonesty - 3/28/2011 2:19:48 PM

SweetDommes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

~fast reply~

OK, my best shot at practical advice.

You dominant is a player, swinger, poly, whatever guy. You can't change that. So you're only option now is to accept it. I'd go to him and say, "Look I get it that you want to have an open relationship. Go ahead. You have my full blessings. There's no need to lie about it anymore" At least that way you can get the deception resolved. You should probably give some thought to STD's.

Sorry, but I have to object to what I bolded. Males (and females) like this are NOT poly, and I doubt that they are swingers either. This type of guy may use "I'm poly" as an excuse for his cheating, but it's still cheating. And I bet that even if she went to him and said "ok, open relationship, got it" he would STILL be lying to her, hiding things from her, and cheating on her.

I'm in a poly relationship - we all know what is going on in terms of if we are seeing someone or not. It's all in the open, and on the table so that everyone is on the same page and knows what is going on. If you don't know what is going on, you can't consent to be involved with it ... and if things are being hidden, and lied about, then it's cheating, not poly.

I'll agree that he's a player/whatever. IMO, "players" tend to be cheaters, liars, etc. They will do whatever they need to go get their rocks off and manipulate those around them. That is not in the same catagory as poly. Mostly, I'd say he's an asshole ...

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Post #: 87

RE: Dishonesty - 3/28/2011 4:14:21 PM

IrishMist

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What I can't figure out is why the fuck you are living with someone who you obviously do not trust.

People never fail to fucking amaze me

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Post #: 88

RE: Dishonesty - 3/28/2011 4:49:24 PM

WestBaySlave

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To the OP - I've been where you are. I'm probably more sympathetic than most to your situation.

About a year and so ago I upped and moved across the globe to live with a man in another country. After about a month of living with him, I discovered he was cheating with not just one but multiple other parties.

Yes, otherwise, he was mostly kind, considerate, fun to be with, and never said a mean word. None the less, that was far from all of his personality, and once I discovered his cheating I discovered several other disturbing things simultaneously. Don't think what you have already discovered marks the end of what you don't know about him.

You think you know this man. You don't. If he hasn't been honest about something this important then you better believe that's not the only thing he's being dishonest about. Right now you know he's unfaithful, but you feel you're not in danger otherwise. How sure can you be?

I'm not the first, but I'll say it too: get out. Beg and borrow whatever you can to get away, and if it comes to it, just walk out that door. It's not merely your physical safety, you are clearly emotionally vulnerable to a man you know you can't and shouldn't trust. He will take advantage of that if he can, and from the sounds of it, already has.

I left mine, and even though it financially gutted me in a way I still have yet to recover from, I do not regret it. There are other, better men out there - this man isn't worth another minute of your time. Flee!

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Post #: 89