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My oldest problem, remains my biggest problem....

Understanding their limits and desires. It's very easy for me to accept another crossing my limits when they don't know and they are respectful about it. It's much more difficult for me when I do the same. It takes a bit of time for me to get to the level where I am comfortable in giving a submissive the kink they desire.

Interestingly, this is what finally convinced me that I am truely a submissive even though I take pleasure in being Dominant. That pleasure only comes when I am comfortable that I am pleasing the submissive I am with.

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and that has falvoured the way I approach the opposite sex ever since (except on CM...I am overly polite because I suck at text-based domination).

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You sound like you are paying too much attention to people judging you for doing something you actually enjoy. Don't worry about them and get on with it. Enjoy and make sure you share your passion with someone you think is worth it!

Good luck and welcome to the world of bdsm. :-)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

My oldest problem, remains my biggest problem....

Understanding their limits and desires. It's very easy for me to accept another crossing my limits when they don't know and they are respectful about it. It's much more difficult for me when I do the same. It takes a bit of time for me to get to the level where I am comfortable in giving a submissive the kink they desire.

Interestingly, this is what finally convinced me that I am truely a submissive even though I take pleasure in being Dominant. That pleasure only comes when I am comfortable that I am pleasing the submissive I am with.

Muttling,

Indeed the fem mind is one challange after another......but well worth it; doncathink?

CP

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I'm honestly one of those people who believes they were born dominant. Or perhaps more accurately, I was born with a propensity for dominance and developmental stimuli led me there. I have been exploring it openly since a few weeks after losing my virginity and in subtle ways as far back as puberty, so there was no "transition" from vanilla to D/s.

To me it's a lot like homosexuality - a lot of people repress it consciously or subconsciously, or lack the proper stimuli to bring it out, and so they don't discover it in themselves until later in life, but they always have the propensity for it from birth. Those of us lucky enough to discover those sorts of things about ourselves very early on are lucky. We avoid the necessity of 'unlearning' the habits of one life which are incompatible with the other.


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As to the OP, I'm a lifer so I can't answer your question. I was playing "dungeon" with the little boys when "doctor" was all the rage with other kids my age. When I started having sex, it was always kinky and rather violent.

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I happened upon D/s, during introspection into why I found "normal" relationships to feel so abnormal for me, and accidentally (I thought) attracting men asking to be my submissive or slave repeatedly.

I found that being accepted online, is far more difficult, than being accepted at real life events. No one is probably going to agree with me, but I've found BDSM event folks to be a lot more friendly,and a lot less suspicious of newcomers, or someone who might look different.
Even if you are shy about attending munches, meetings, or play parties, I would try and connect with people who do attend, because they may be willing to hold your hands and go with you. Nothing beats learning live, by watching or doing, rather than just reading. M

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"..touching was and still is and always will be the True Revolution" Nikki Giovanni

The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands.-Robert M. Persig

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Hello OP
Oh geeze, i was 55 when i first heard BDSM. I could not begin to fathom what a submissive was/is. It has been a rough battle within. My opinion about submissives and slaves was actually nothing more than a fallacy.

We might hear opinions in regard to D/s, and much of it seems to resonate with me, but an underlining belief kept frustrating me. My first lesson was to observe and rethink what is a submissive, and letting go of my stupid prejudices. This took me several years to get through all my 'patterns'. By doing this, i set myself free.

Submissive does not mean a weak and emotional lost lass. It is not equated to a doormat. It is not representative of the 'stepford wives',

Submissive is imho a very strong personality attribute.,,

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I am a later in life Dominant. My biggest problem when I first got started was realizing that I didn't know crap about it and had to spend the time and patience to acquire that knowledge. That meant spending time reading about it, learning the way that other people's dynamics worked, and getting as many educational opportunities as I could. It wasn't as easy back then because it was harder to find munch groups and such. That was back when folks called you on the phone list, rather than post events to the web. I have to admit, I kind of miss the close knit groups that produced.

My second biggest challenge was that I wasn't a sadist when I started out and everyone (including My s-type) expected Me to be. I had to come into that when I was ready, rather than folks assuming I had to be their idea of a Domme. To tell you the truth, I'm a bit glad for that part of it. I feel that it gave Me a strong foundation.

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ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

As to the OP, I'm a lifer so I can't answer your question. I was playing "dungeon" with the little boys when "doctor" was all the rage with other kids my age. When I started having sex, it was always kinky and rather violent.

Boy,

Come on now....give it a little effort!

CP

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OP et al:
I may have a different experience than some on this forum---I came from the Butch/Femme culture. They had an saying "butch on the streets, femme in the sheets" which was often a very back-handed insult to some butches, who would never openly admit to "receiving" anything sexual. I started off as a Stone Butch--I didn't even want to be touched--just wanted to be sexually the aggressive one. It wasn't until I played with a fellow butch (and fellow kinkster) that I found the enjoyment "on both sides of the sheets," if you will.

My journey in BDSM was not dramatically different-- I started off as a bottom, and never imagined that I would ever be a top. While there was no shortage of butch bottoms, I did initially encounter some flack from other butches about submitting to a femme. (That nonsense was usually settled once they saw how tough my Femme Domme was--she may have been petite and femme, but could have taken down anyone in that dungeon.)

Within the butch culture in BDSM, a good number of us identified as SAMs, because to admit we were submissive--that we willingly submitted...was sometimes seen as "weakness" in the butch community. (Ridiculous, I know. So were a lot of things back then...) Fortunately, I met a lot of wonderful Dommes who were able to "deprogram" all of that baloney, and I found the strength in submission. At the time, I couldn't ever imagine being a Dom.

It wasn't until I met someone who was brand new and wanted to bottom, that I was able to get in touch with the Dom part of myself. Fortunately for me, I was able to help guide her on a similar journey, and found over time she enjoyed being a Domme, so for the rest of our relationship, it worked out quite well for both of us.

As for consent--that seems to be the second thread within this thread--consent for me and my partners must always be there. I hear what Fox is saying--and that works for him and his Alpha. I can't play angry---and will not permit myself (or anyone in my care) to be struck out of an angry place--but I will qualify it by saying that I have a discipline dynamic, not a punishment dynamic. When I get disciplined at my Household, even if he raises his voice, reprimands me, etc. I know that he isn't truly angry and I don't truly feel terrible about the infraction. Some of the harshest discipline I receive was over something minor--what allowed me to remain in subspace and "take it" we both knew there was consent in place.

< Message edited by hausboy -- 4/2/2011 8:50:05 PM >

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Q: Is it OK to boss Carol around?
A: Why wouldn't it be? I boss people around all the time in other contexts and that generally turns out well.

Q: How do I make her obey.. especially if I hate punishment?
A: Dominate her then disallow disobedience.

Q: What about making her do "stupid slave tricks".. is that an "abuse of power"??
A: Nope. Not if it makes me happy which in turn makes her happy.

Q: What about totally selfish commands
A: See above

Q: What if SOMETHING GOES WRONG??
A: What, specifically, is this thing which is going to go wrong and why can't Carol and I just deal with it when whatever it is comes up? Chickenshit worry.

Q: By what right do I do this?
A: Because I'm dominant and I want to. Power doesn't need a "right" to exist, it just does.

Q: Wow! I have A LOT of authority! What checks and balances are there?
A: None. There's no safety net. Deal with it. Trust in my own sense of ethics and morality. It's stood me in good stead so far.

Q: Is it OK to command her thoughts & emotions too?
A: Whether or not it's OK it's necessary to achieve the kind of harmony I want. Besides, Cesar does it on Dog Whisperer, why can't I?

Q: What about ownership though? Do you really want to make Carol see herself as human property? That might have unanticipated consequences?
A: Repeat of the chickenshit worry above. Name the fear or let go of it.

~Jeff

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I discovered it soon after graduating high school. I fell asleep on my boyfriend while we were having sex and realized that if that was all sex was, I could do without. Luckily, the World Wide Web helped me to find answers to my queries...and pictures to go along with it (which was just like fuel to a fire when it came to needing to know more about the D/s lifestyle, relationships and dynamic itself). But then, as I continued to learn and meet people I would look back on things in my life and realize that it wasn't a diversion or fetish, it wasn't just another way to spice up my sex life. It was just a part of me that was dormant for some time and slowly became more evident as time went by. Now, I know that I am now, and always will be a submissive. I didn't just decide one day "I'm gonna be a submissive now." It's who I am. It's who I always will be.

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I have been submissive for as long as I can remember. The only transition I had to make, if you can call it that, was realizing that I could have a d/s relationship 24/7 and how to make it happen.
It was never a question of how do I become submissive.