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RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/13/2011 4:33:39 PM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
Except for those who really believe they arrived in this world from the womb already a Dom, Domme, or submissive we all trasitioned into this type of life that we call D/s. Can you recall how it was when your first made the trip and the problems you found and how you handled them?

I think that even if nature and nurture conspire to make a person inclined toward slavery, there are probably always adjustments that go on, particularly during the first experience of slavery. Some I encountered during my first experience included:

Resistance to my master's orders and resentment at having to follow them, despite my overwhelming desire to be a good, obedient slave.
Attempts to negotiate, barter, or otherwise engage in transaction-based submission (If I give you this, then you will give me that); attempts which, I should add, diluted the master/slave dynamic when they were successful.
Lots of emotional upheaval while adjusting to the new restrictions on my behavior and the rules I had to follow.
Flashbacks to "bad things" in childhood during sadomasochistic play. The more we played, however, the less strong or frequent these incidents became.
A tendency to be less than honest with him about small things.
Restlessness, desire for other contacts, for romance in my life, for online flirtations.

Although I remember those years with great fondness and focus on the bright spots, it really wasn't smooth sailing initially. What causes such problems? If a master is very controlling, I believe it takes longer to adjust to his rule. He expected a lot of new and difficult things from me. He wasn't content to just let me be pretty much the way I always was but with a slave label attached. I experienced stress and expressed resistance at the things he demanded that frightened me or that I was sure, due to an inferiority complex, I could not do on my own. A bad childhood can also cause some of the emotional issues, although with time and the right dominant, these can be overcome. Some of the the problems came about because, despite his controlling nature, he was very easygoing and lenient. He was one of those masters who lets their slaves get away with murder and still insists that they are being perfectly obedient. In my case, I always obeyed when it came to the big things. With the smaller issues, however, there was great room for improvement, but he chose not to press those. As for the restlessness, which I did not act upon other than to have a few online friends which he fully permitted, I think now that it came about because at core I needed a different, stricter style of dominance, and despite his insistence that I was very controlled, I did not feel that controlled. Our relationship was unusually restricted in several other ways due to physical limitations on his side, and that might have contributed to this feeling.

I realize what I've said above makes this relationship look pretty bad. It wasn't, really. I was deeply happy in it, more happy than I'd ever been in my life and there were lots of special and wonderful things that happened in it. I loved being controlled, more than anything. He changed me in many important ways and I grew in maturity, endurance, and ability to handle new challenges under his rule. But I'm trying to answer the question as honestly as I can, and that requires focusing on the areas I personally found to be stumbling blocks when adjusting to actual slavery.

If I were offer any advise to people contemplating slavery or strict submission, I'd say, "Do your very best to learn what level of control or domination you need. Once you know that, it's just as important you not pair up with someone too lenient as it is you not pair up with someone too strict. I did not understand this point when I first met my master. I was brand new to everything--except my fantasies--and I assumed from our talks that the relationship would be extremely strict. I guess in some ways it was. I ran into few other slaves who had the duties, responsibilities, and requirements I had. But my master's personality was very easygoing, quick to forgive, very loathe to punish (although to give him credit, he had punished other slaves plenty before me--I think he believed for some reason that I needed different treatment), and that "easiness" while sometimes a boon, also encouraged some aspects of my personality that are not particularly appropriate in a slave. In other words, I was spoiled rotten.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

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RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/17/2011 7:48:32 AM

sblady

Posts: 433
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

However, if we're talking submissive as defined by D/s relationships, many things have led me to realize that I'm not that type of submissive either. I've found there is a huge difference between being submissive in a vanilla relationship vs a D/s one. Hope that isn't too confusing.

sblady

Well it is kinda sorta.

CP

I'll try to explain. Most of the dominant men I met that were seeking D/s relationships wanted to control so many aspects of my life; my thoughts, my clothes, hair, change or adjust my sexual orientation to suit them. We won't even speak of punishment. That part was kinda amusing as I'm an adult and there is no need to punish me. I digress.

I can and always have been capable of making my own decisions (not saying other submissives don't). Sometimes my decisions were good, sometimes they weren't. But, that's a part of life and having a Dom instruct me wouldn't necessarily ensure that a decision would be the right one.

To hand my life and well-being over to someone simply based on the fact that they identified as Dominant (D/s style), didn't work for me. It bothered me that by saying I'm submissive made it appear that I needed to change who I am an accept things that I found unacceptable to have a relationship with a Dom. So, my acceptance problems with D/s was mainly brought on by my interaction with most that identified with D/s as I simply was, in their minds "not submissive enough". But you know, I'd rather stay true to myself on any given day than to change the essence of me to suit someone's perception of my submissiveness. Though I may not get everything I want from a "Vanilla" relationship, at least I'm accepted for who I am. Hope that clarified things!!

< Message edited by sblady -- 4/17/2011 7:52:36 AM >

_____________________________

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Dalai Lama

(in reply to CelticPrince)

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RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/17/2011 9:51:11 AM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
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I knew as soon as I started to become a sexual creature that I was kinky, however that doesn't mean that there weren't problems along the way.

I knew and self identified as a masochist at the age of 13, for my 18th birthday my friends took me to the local kink club. By 19 I was in my first long term relationship and it was D/s.

However, my path was riddled with conflict, and lessons about myself.

- First was recognizing I was truly a switch, that I had an equal amount of sadism to go with my masochism. At every deepening of my S&M interests the masochism would lead and the sadism would reluctantly follow.

- When I went through a spell of not having BDSM in my life and being vanilla, being constantly unhappy and feeling empty, and stubbornly refusing that BDSM was a deep need, and that while my partner expressed playful interest in kink, it was not a need he could meet for me. That whole mess ended in divorce.

- Finding my healthy masochism. I'm fairly certain my kinky interests are independent of my trauma history due to memories that predate trauma, I do have one. I learned to use my masochism to perpetuate my self hate, and make myself disappear.

- When I got back into the scene 3 years ago finding my real calling in this was another struggle. Punctuated by finally realizing that my ideal power exchange is different from a lot of relationships. My partner and I have a sadomasochist dynamic fueled by violence and constantly battling for power. I've had relationships like this in the past, though outside of my own life have not met many in relationships like mine. Learning to prioritize my needs was a powerful and spiritual experience for me. It was a lot of trial and error of trying different types of dynamics, poly vs monogamy, etc etc. There was a whole year of both my partner and I trying to answer these questions for ourselves and as a couple and we had a tumultuous year of questions and answers, and answers that led to more questions. Though we came through the other side intact and better than ever.

So yeah, I "came out of the womb" a sadomasochist, though that didn't mean it wasn't a journey. So I find the original question flawed. I also came out of the womb a female and knowing I would grow up to be a woman and that has been a journey as well. All aspects of a life are a road full mishaps, learning, growth and wonder.

I think the biggest thing I've learned, and I try to explain to all these wide eyed new folks coming into it is the key is finding what resonates with you. That kinky moment that feels like it has always been a part of who you are, and fulfills a deep need and completes who you are. If BDSM is a part of your identity you will have those moments, and they will show you who you are. Those pieces of self must be found and obeyed.

And that also, BDSM may be something some people like but it isn't a part of who they are, and that is ok too. I see so many new people trying to force themselves into roles, and not really being happy. When what they really want is to occasionally spank a partner, or play with some clothespins. We have to be who we are in this and when something in a scene rings through to your soul you've found a little piece of you.

(in reply to sblady)

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RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/17/2011 3:14:04 PM

PetiteOralSub

Posts: 81
Joined: 5/21/2010
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I dont believe we are born into a role, but our life experiences mold us into a role.
I dont believe the human genome project has found the Master\slave gene yet.

My transition was a baptism by fire that ended with a cracked rib, and started me on a journey,
a progression, not really a transition; transition seems to indicate I have acheived some final state, that the growth is done, I hope to hell not!
Things that seemed like limits a year ago, are pleasures now.
One of the critical lessons I learned is not to say "Never", to be open, becuase you never know WHO tomorrow may bring you,
and every interaction we have with another human changes us, even if in only a very small way.

Enjoying my journey.

_____________________________

respectfully

(in reply to Aileen1968)

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RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/22/2011 8:33:07 PM

uncertainlyizzy

Posts: 42
Joined: 4/11/2011
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I think life is a transition. I also agree with a lot of people that there's nature and nurture and everything all involved in one. People are too complex to identify whys and wherefores much of the time. Personally, I started collecting "abducted and ravished by the enemy laird" romance novels at 10ish and got handcuffed to my bed for my 15th birthday. I was raised in a male led household and taught quite extensively that I should respect authority and seek it out. I've had a love/teenybitofhate relationship with pain since I was a small child and knew no other way to soothe myself and then as I developed a chronic pain condition as a teen. So it's not so cut and dried. Even knowing those things none of it means I'm not constantly transitioning and figuring out things still. I'm 23! I don't know jack about most of life yet and with every person I meet and every relationship (of any kind) I enter into I begin to understand a little more about myself and what works for me. I hope to still be learning things about myself at 90. I don't think you'll ever know everything about anything, even yourself.

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RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/23/2011 4:36:32 AM

imperatrixx

Posts: 903
Joined: 3/29/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sblady
I'll try to explain. Most of the dominant men I met that were seeking D/s relationships wanted to control so many aspects of my life; my thoughts, my clothes, hair, change or adjust my sexual orientation to suit them. We won't even speak of punishment. That part was kinda amusing as I'm an adult and there is no need to punish me. I digress.

I can and always have been capable of making my own decisions (not saying other submissives don't). Sometimes my decisions were good, sometimes they weren't. But, that's a part of life and having a Dom instruct me wouldn't necessarily ensure that a decision would be the right one.

To hand my life and well-being over to someone simply based on the fact that they identified as Dominant (D/s style), didn't work for me. It bothered me that by saying I'm submissive made it appear that I needed to change who I am an accept things that I found unacceptable to have a relationship with a Dom. So, my acceptance problems with D/s was mainly brought on by my interaction with most that identified with D/s as I simply was, in their minds "not submissive enough". But you know, I'd rather stay true to myself on any given day than to change the essence of me to suit someone's perception of my submissiveness. Though I may not get everything I want from a "Vanilla" relationship, at least I'm accepted for who I am. Hope that clarified things!!

this makes perfect sense to me.

I have submissive aspects to my personality but I have no interest in a "dom" lol.

(in reply to sblady)

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RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/23/2011 12:46:18 PM

Hisprettybaby

Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

Except for those who really believe they arrived in this world from the womb already a Dom, Domme, or submissive we all trasitioned into this type of life that we call D/s. Can you recall how it was when your first made the trip and the problems you found and how you handled them?

The problems for the "D" type I believe were different that those of the "s" type so if you can be bold enough to so state them, it may well be helpfull to those just now arriving.

What say you?

CP

Well, I'd always naturally had a submissive bent to me but my sister always told me that was unhealthy, so I always tried to fight it. For a long time, I felt like I must be alone in the world with those feelings. When I realized there were other people out there that felt the same way, on the one hand it felt like I'd come home but, on the other, I had to fight that feeling that I was somehow perverted. I had never been happy in my vanilla relationships and I didn't know why, until I had my first D/s relationship.

When I had my first actual bdsm experience, I realized there were all sorts of safety and trust questions to consider when you're at someone's mercy. Plus, I was afraid of what if it hurt? What if.....what if.....but he was very understanding of the newbie and even explained safewords, something that I'd never thought of. It took some time and research on the internet before I realized that it was okay to be me, just the way I am.

Now, two and a half years later, I'm discovering that I have a teensy Toppy itch that I want to try scratching (not with Daddy of course), which sounds really exciting, so the confusion sets in again. Of course, with that comes needing to know someone's limits and knowing when you're getting close to them...making sure they have a safeword/signal, and all sorts of safety concerns too. I've still got so much to learn! Sometimes I think the journey never ends.....

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to CelticPrince)

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RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/23/2011 9:13:53 PM

coookie

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Joined: 10/25/2010
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I know i have struggled with the D/s side of relationships. I have had to lead in the past within my relationships and i am not a patient leader. I tried to carry on this "pattern" of taking the lead even though i did not want. Both of us stumbled because of this and it just about ended our relationship. I went to him in tears and said "let's try this over with YOU being the leader" and it has worked. I do, at times, need to remember my place though i have consciously decided to give up the control. What a leap of faith it has been and am i ever thankful that i did.

(in reply to Hisprettybaby)

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