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Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 6:44:30 AM   
Eruditegirl


Posts: 53
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline 		I was hoping to get some thoughts on others experiences with long distance relationships. Either positive or negative which ever the case maybe.
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 6:51:33 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		Don't even go there. One experience and it was a bad experience. The truth is you have no way of knowing if they are telling the truth and there are more legitimate excuses they can use to fool you with than if you are fairly close. The time differences make things horrendous trying to meet each other online and because of that you'll find other parts of your life suffer.

But then I think online relationships are for suckers anyway so you might want to ignore me. Meeting people through the internet is another thing, I've had loads of good experiences.

(in reply to Eruditegirl)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 6:58:53 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		In the end, distance defeats you.

But the times we had together were worth all the frustration and eventual heartbreak.  I got hurt, badly, but it was totally and absolutely worth it.


(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 7:04:40 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		It is unsatisfing, and lonely, but if you have to do it, set up some goal posts, one month for a face to face meet, visits at least once every two months, relocating with in a year to two years.

unless of course this relationship is just a bit of fun, some one to masturbate with, some one to talk to, then have at it, enjoy, the great thing about it is there is really no demands on you, its a fantasy world where you can be anything, and do anything you desire....just know the most enchanting of unicorns still, vanish in the mist....

oh and one last thing, most folks that opt for option two do so because they are unhappy in thier real life, they are trapped by marriage or illness, or something else they feel powerless to change so find out why they are seeking online relationships, when they can find something more real and tanigible in thier own town.


< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 5/8/2006 7:07:27 AM >

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(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 7:10:24 AM   
Halcyone


Posts: 93
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		I'm going to get a reputation for doing nothing but posting in these sorts of threads, but oh well.

Long distance is hard. You have to juggle the heartache that comes from not being able to enjoy physical contact, the chance of misunderstandings if you're communicating through text, the false sense of security and fantasy that distance provides because you're forced to sketch your partner's life out at least partially in your head. There are things that you would pick up on immediately by being in their presence that you'll have no clue about unless your partner tells you about them, and even then you won't really understand every aspect, or pick up on every nuance. If you're the sort of person who prefers to not share certain things with your partner, if you have difficulty communicating your true feelings for fear of offending or hurting them, if you can't accept that long distance will require an extra dose of reality and super effective communication, then this probably isn't going to be for you.

And, should you get through all of that intact as a couple, then you have to cope with the trials of making the transition to real time. Learning to juggle the day to day mundane aspects of life that get glossed over and ignored in a long distance relationship. Does he have stinky feet? Does she snore? Is he rude to waitstaff? Does she not flush the toilet at 3AM after a half-asleep bathroom break? These are little things but potential irritants that can sour the fantasy you've lived with in your head until that point.

Not that it's all bad. If you can recognize what is fantasy and what is reality, and focus on the good things without forgetting or prettying up the bad, a long distance relationship can help you to discover what you feel is really important in your relationships. You don't take a lot for granted when you're constantly having to compromise and clarify and make do.

(in reply to Eruditegirl)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 7:11:15 AM   
givemyall


Posts: 620
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

Don't even go there. One experience and it was a bad experience. The truth is you have no way of knowing if they are telling the truth and there are more legitimate excuses they can use to fool you with than if you are fairly close. The time differences make things horrendous trying to meet each other online and because of that you'll find other parts of your life suffer.

But then I think online relationships are for suckers anyway so you might want to ignore me. Meeting people through the internet is another thing, I've had loads of good experiences.


I'm with you on this one Meatcleaver..... I think the distance leaves more space for doubt.

Claire

(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 7:13:35 AM   
merrymasochist


Posts: 156
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline 		I consider long distance relationships at their best a form of self-inflicted hell. At their worst, well, we read about them in the forums all too often.

Sincerely,
merry

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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 7:46:45 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		If you decide to go there have a definite plan about moving to the next level. In other words it cannot continue to work indefinitely long distance. There are some people that can navigate long distance for periods of time, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel for them. In other words someone may have to work in a different city or be going to school, but they plan on being back with their mate after an allotted time.

I am open to some distance between me and my next dom, as long as they are 1) in the same time zone and 2) Wanting to move to a relocation fairly soon (like working actively towards this once we have established that there is a relationship).

These relationships are not for everyone, and they are all different from one another. I have been down this road before, and I actually ended up married to my ex husband after continuing a long distance relationship for 6 months. On the other hand I just had my heart broken last year by a dominant that lived in Atlanta, so... it is more dependent on the people involved then the actual distance. Just make sure you realize how hard it is before you go there.

On Edit: I did not meet my ex hubby online, but he was stationed somewhere else through the military shortly after we met for 6 months. LOL.. and I did not marry him after 6 months of long distance...I realized how flaky that sounded... lol

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 5/8/2006 7:50:53 AM >

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(in reply to Eruditegirl)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 7:57:09 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

It is unsatisfing, and lonely, but if you have to do it, set up some goal posts, one month for a face to face meet, visits at least once every two months, relocating with in a year to two years.



I generally agree but I wouldn't wait two years, not even one.

When I had my experience I was naive and new to the internet and I didn't even know there was such a thing as online relationships. I read someones personal website and sent a brief email having enjoyed the read, she replied and I was immediately sucked in. I was prepared to meet her within a month but she always had some reason or some excuse why not to meet until there were no more reasons and then fucked me off. I was devastated. I was devastated but I now realise it was really a drug I was involved with not her. (But there was a lot of mean stuff on her side and I couldn't understand how someone could be so malicious). I set about trying to find out if there were other people who had similar experiences and emotions afterwards and there were plenty. I met one bloke who had a similar thing happen to him ( a lot of trickery and meaness involved again) and he drove from Florida to California with a gun and was going to kill the bitch that so disrupted his life. Lucky for him he was arrested after a minor road accident because he was so tired and that brought him to his senses. Now I'm used to the internet and see so many people having bad experiences I just shake my head and think 'if you have to learn twice your a moron'.

There will always be people closer to home that will suit you.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 5/8/2006 7:58:00 AM >

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 8:00:39 AM   
GeekFreak


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline 		I've spent basically my whole romantic life with two different long distance girlfriends. I'm currently going on almost three years with my current girlfriend and we have all plans of getting married when life permits.

With any relationship there are obstacles to overcome. For many, I think distance is a hard one to deal with. But really...people who will complain about long distance and how the relationship just won't work because of this or that...well...those people probably will create problems in other relationships as well. They will find other things to complain about and be unable to adjust.There are often expectations of what people feel they "need" from a relationship, and once they've started a long distance relationship they realize some of those things they want just aren't possible (if you had a bad day and need someone to come over and cuddle up next to you, it just doesn't happen). Whether or not you should be involved in this sort of relationship really has to do with your own needs and mental strength. I could certainly see how many could be unable to handle it. However, for me, it's brought more happiness into my life than I ever could have expected...and if finding my special someone meant I had a few extra hardships along the way, well, that's still a lot better than not having that person at all.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 8:02:41 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		Eruditegirl, it's up to you to decide - this will be a difficult relationship, there'll be a lot of pain and loneliness and frustration, and it'll most likely end in tears and heartbreak.

BUT you could have some wonderful experiences along the way.  And sometimes it's better to try than to always wonder what would have happened if you'd been a little braver or more determined.

Most of my regrets are about the things I didn't do, not the things I did.

(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 8:04:38 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekFreak

I've spent basically my whole romantic life with two different long distance girlfriends. I'm currently going on almost three years with my current girlfriend and we have all plans of getting married when life permits.



I have a long distance relationship with my daughter's mother in Japan but we do see each other quite often and there aren't endless excuses being emailed or IMed as to why now is not the right time to meet.

But I accept some people have had great experiences through online relationships.

(in reply to GeekFreak)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 8:20:33 AM   
Ceyx


Posts: 89
Joined: 8/23/2005
Status: offline 		My miss, Halcyone, has covered the difficulties of long-distance pretty well from our experience. Nuturing a meaningful long-distance relationship is hard, and there are obvious and insurmountable limitations. I'll just add that it requires an uncommon degree of creativity, imagination, honesty, and dedication from both (or all) parties to maintain a D/s dynamic when those involved are apart much of the time. I wouldn't say that it's more challenging than a r/t relationship, but it presents a whole different set of challenges that require different skills to overcome.

(in reply to Eruditegirl)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 8:40:41 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		BTDT.

My first relationship after my marriage was over was with someone who was about 45min away, not that far, but considering that we were together for longer than I was married, it was definatly positive.

Flip side, I have been in contact with men from all over the globe, I have tried long distance, its difficult at times, but in te end, its worth it if the connection is there and love is. Not many men in my area that I am (semi) compatable with, so I have too look outside of my immediate area for a parnter. If love and a connection is there, then things will work out for the best, regardless of distance. Distance is just one small factor, if everything else is there, then you can remove the distance.

_____________________________

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"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 8:44:23 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		I'm a painter/designer but my bete noir came from Fresno so I recoiled somewhat to see you were from there but I don't do online anyway.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
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RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 8:58:11 AM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		Eruditegirl,

I'm guessing you don't mean 'online relationships'.  Those seem to abound here; I suppose they have their place, but are not for me. 

Having said that... I enjoy meeting people online.  Anymore I tend to weed through them pretty fast...and won't begin correspondence with people who live more than say...half a day away.  It just makes no sense to me...for all the reasons stated by others here:  loneliness, doubt, the high probability of lies and miss representation, pain of separation, lack of reality (touching).  Yes, I'd agree...it just opens one up to heartbreak.  Even if the person is wonderful and true...distance hurts.

Last year I embarked on a close relationship with someone only 150 miles from me; we'd known each other six months (both real time & local chat room) and were quite close for another six months.  He spent a lot of time with me, met my friends here; some of whom helped him get job interviews because he said he was looking for work to move here.  But, eventually things just didn't add up.  Looking back, I can see all sorts of red flags I just didn't pick up on because he really wasn't all that far away and we actually had a few acquaintances in common.  For all the time he spent with me...it turns out he was married. 

I finally did a background check...something I recommend everybody do on BOTH sides of a relationship that begins to get serious.  Real, honest people do not balk at this if they are truly invested in continuing a relationship (NOT to say it's something you do for a first date!)

Good luck, and take care...

(in reply to Eruditegirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 9:12:03 AM   
stevepops


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/12/2004
Status: offline 		I have only done this once - 8,000+ miles, 9 time zones, two continents, one ocean in between. Two years of, email, IM, video conferencing, telephone, and loads of frequent flyer millage. Then we got married, got my greencard and relocated to SoCal almost 2 and a half year after we initially started talking online.
We met in real life about 4 and a half month after our initial contact. And I would say that 6 month should max before meeting. Also with inexpensive computer cams you can do videoconferences via YIM or iChat - use Skype for telephone and so on. One thing we've found is our communication was different when we were together and when we were apart.
Personally I do not see any job that is so important that one cannot relocate.  And last I think there are way more relationships that sucks where people meet irl and live together. One advantage I find about a ldr is you have to communicate. For us we touched issues and found things that might not even have been touched if we had met in real life.

I t will work out for your as it is supposed to. Just don't create dramas and don't believe everything you think.

(in reply to Eruditegirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 9:15:27 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		Background checks are a great idea, I do them most of the time, its out of habit after a few nutcases came my way and I wanted to see if they were lieing or just nutcases. Or just google their real name, or you can go on yahoo and run a people search and if you have their first and last name and where they live, you can find out their home address or phone number and compare them to what you already have.

If you do not know a person's first & last name, and home phone number, then their may be a problem, a few times I had men who sent me a copy of their driver's license to confirm their home address, and full name not to mention their birthdate.

Remember, if someone is real and they are not lieing, then they should have no problem with before you meet to give you their full name, and the like; if they balk like Bearlee said, then their is something amiss and those flags should go up.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to Bearlee)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 10:17:13 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I've been on  a couple of sides in this debate.  I was involved with a submissive who was married and who lived over 600 miles away from me.  I flew to meet her...and her husband (also a dominant but not hers) for our first meeting.  I knew from the start that the relationship would go a certain point and no further.  There was honest communication about this from the beginning and given that I was just coming out of a long-term marriage, I was not looking for anything long-term either.

I've also been in a couple of long-distance relationships where the distance was not a factor until the submissive wanted to end it and then it was, seemingly (in my opinion), thrown in as a factor.   What concerns me is that in both these instances, there was the "set" in my mind that the distance was O.K. and would be worked around (based on what was told to me during the halcyon days of the relationship...both romantic and D/s) and then, for one...it became "I can't move my kids from what their lives are and you say that there would be many difficulties for you to relocate (something I was clear about from the beginning...I've spent 23 years building up what I have as a practice...it is not something easily set aside.  Doesn't mean it could not be done) and for the other, it became the fact that "things have changed...my job has become more stable, I no longer need to look at the possibility of relocation to maintain employment (but what about the fact that it wasn't job stability before but 'love' for me that made you think of moving in the first place), I can't move my child away from what she has known all her life...etc." 

So yeah...I've seen both sides of this.  Perhaps to capture it briefly, long distance is hard.  There are many, many factors involved that need to be overcome...BUT...and maybe this should be another thread somewhere...if you stick to the basics of what makes a good relationship...vanilla or D/s...honest communication of changes in your thinking, in your life, about doubts, concerns, etc...then I would like to believe it can work. 

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Long Distance Relationships - 5/8/2006 10:17:40 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I can tell you from my friend's personal experience that online relationships aren't always a good thing. You don't really get to know a person just by typing or talking on the phone for awhile, even if its everyday for years. Until you can see them in different situations and how they handle them they are still a mystery.

Let's also face the fact that alot of people on line lie and put on their best just to impress you. Its easier to do when you can't see their face or look into their eyes to catch them.

My advice if you want to pursue something online, do so but be aware of the risks that you are taking. Try to visit them and vice versa as much as possible. You can tell alot about a person by staying in their home. If you like neat and he/she is like Oscar Madison from the Odd Couple you will most likely not make it together.

Good luck,
~Lashra

(in reply to Eruditegirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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