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Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 1:53:21 PM   
darq


Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline 		So this is an attitude I've noticed a lot lately among dominants posting to the forum ...

I gotta wonder where the heck it came from.

I've even heard it from a guy in real life recently ...

"I'm the dominant so that means its all about me."

Now as a submissive, I gotta say ... What the hell?

I've always been taught that relationships are about the people involved ... That means, its not all about you ..

Or me.

Its all about us ...

Prewritten lists of rules and close minded attitudes concerning labels (ie I only spend time with 'slaves' ... I don't waste my time with wannabe subbies or bottoms.) strike me as a waste of time on the part of the dominant. (Submissives, we do this too but my focus right now is on the dominant side of the coin.) Every submissive is different. Every person is different. If you want a cookie cutter ideal, I suggest you invest in a blow up doll. Some submissives are meek and mild and some are opinionated and loud. Some are shy and reserved, others are exhibitionists in every sense of the word and live for the limelight.

I've also noticed that a lot of these dominants who run around thumping their chests and saying, "Its all about me!" ... Are also single. And not happily single either. They're bitter about it ... They tend to complain that there are no real submissives out there anymore and chalk that up to their singleness.

Now, being single is a fine thing. I personally have found great joy in being single. I choose very carefully when it comes to who I'll submit to and I do have a list of expectations, desires, needs and wants ... I don't generally throw that list out there and smack people in the face with it ... I figure, I'll know if you're what I'm looking for soon enough by simply taking the time to get to know you.

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 1:57:29 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I like the fact that we get to be as picky as we want.  If a dom/sub wants their partner to always wear pink lacy underwear, I'm ok with that.  As long as they accept how that's going to limit their pool of prospects and not bitch about it, it's fine.

There's a reasonability limit that says "OK you're being unrealistic here" but, it's ok for people to be unrealistic if they want to.  I don't think it really makes them happy in the long term, but it's their choice.

But I think it's a GOOD thing to have SOME solid ideas (No abusive people, no people who want to just take my money, things like that) and not waver on them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 1:58:41 PM   
TxBadMan


Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline 		Each to their own. Everyone has a different view of how they think relationships should be. I don't force mine on anyone else, and I will not allow another to force theirs on me.
I go my way, they go theirs; in the end, everyone is happy.

_____________________________

Chris



(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 1:59:54 PM   
darq


Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline 		You know, I have no problem with people being picky ..

Its when they complain about not being able to find anyone who fits their ideal of the 'perfect' mate and then try to blame it on everyone else instead of looking within.

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:05:32 PM   
GeekFreak


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darq

You know, I have no problem with people being picky ..

Its when they complain about not being able to find anyone who fits their ideal of the 'perfect' mate and then try to blame it on everyone else instead of looking within.


Ya, people do this in non D/s relationships as well. Ya know...I've met many girls hwo wanted a man or marriage or a wedding to be this perfect dream because they'd somehow learned through TV, movies, friends, ect, that this is how it should be. I think D/s lovers create their own little dreams as well based on porn, other bdsm followers, online stories, ect.

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:07:07 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline
quote:

and then try to blame it on everyone else instead of looking within.


Truer words are rarely spoken.

As someone who is very picky about who I play with, I have to face the fact that I will thus attend parties alone more often than not, I will wake up alone more often than not, and that my florist will be eating Top Ramen instead of lobster, but that is the choice I have made and in the long run am happier for it.

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:11:00 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Since I tend toward the owner-slave model more than the dominant-submissive, I must admit I have a similar opinion to the one you are complaining about but I express it differently.

I say its about me first and foremost.

Why? Because I have to do this for myself and for my own reasons other than to please my partner. Otherwise by the definitions I use, I would be the submissive and slave, I'd be focused on the other person first and me second.

This does not in any way mean that I do not focus on my slave but that what I do he knows I do because I want to, because I enjoy it. He never has to worry about pressuring me into doing anything because that isn't going to happen with this frame of mind. I'll do what I know is best, I'll do what needs to be done, but I will do from my own sense of what is necessary and what is required. I know what this is because I listen and I pay attention to those around me.

Is it selfish? Damn right! If I don't take care of myself how can I possibly take care of anyone else. If I don't love myself how can I love someone else. If I don't have confidence in what I do and how I do it, why would anyone else have confidence in me?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:14:36 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		I go about it with the idea that its about B/both sides.
I welcome input,but ultimitely I have the say as to it happening or not.

I am very open and accepting of all shapes and sizes,I welcome diversity,infact I am always amazed with human behavior,the differences in tolerence to pain etc.

The one thing I am not open to are the ones who set limits on who they session with according to looks and size.There is no place for judging others in My Home.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:43:05 PM   
VvShadowspawnvV


Posts: 218
Joined: 3/27/2006
Status: offline 		In our relationship, it is about Him... because that is what pleases both of us.  Within that basic framework, it sometimes pleases Him to temporarily make things "about me". 

If someone has to TELL a prospective/partner "it's all about me"... it's not likely to be the right partner.  But, hey- go ahead and get it out in the open.  There's always the chance she WILL be the right girl, and she'll cyber-genuflect.  =P

becca

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:47:20 PM   
lilbitnella


Posts: 42
Joined: 5/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Every submissive is different. Every person is different. If you want a cookie cutter ideal, I suggest you invest in a blow up doll. Some submissives are meek and mild and some are opinionated and loud. Some are shy and reserved, others are exhibitionists in every sense of the word and live for the limelight.
quote:

ORIGINAL: darq

Exactly...been wanting to say the same darq. Bravo!!


_____________________________

"It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love"
~Rod McKuen~

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:49:32 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		The control is all about Himself as is the authority. The 'relationship' is 'ours' to share and nurture so it is maximized to reach it's full potential. The responsibility for that rests squarely on both our shoulders.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to VvShadowspawnvV)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:49:41 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I've seen this a lot too darq.  In fact, I had one "dom" write to me and basically throw a hissy fit because I said I wouldn't meet him.  He kept telling me that he was the dom and I had to do what he said.

(in reply to VvShadowspawnvV)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:51:52 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

I've seen this a lot too darq.  In fact, I had one "dom" write to me and basically throw a hissy fit because I said I wouldn't meet him.  He kept telling me that he was the dom and I had to do what he said.


I have to ask.. how, exactly, was he planning on enforcing that? ::chuckles::

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:56:38 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		OMG, you mean if we say we are dominant we can make anyone do whatever WE WANT????!?!?!?!

I have been doing this ALL wrong!

All lesbian submissives line up NOW for inspection.........because I said so!

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 2:58:10 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Personally I find myself hitting the "next" button when perusing the profiles of a dominant with that attitude. There are many reasons to hit the next button though... such as I do not share a dom's kinks. they are too far away, they have different values etc.... but that attitude of "my way or the highway" makes me look for the nearest highway.

As far as bitterness being the cause of such behavior, well it is hard to know what others feel or what they think... My interest is finding the dominant that I most click with. My goal is to  find the person I WANT to give myself to, and that means I can see myself molding myself to what it is they want.

What I have noticed is that if a sub is not the right sub for a particular domm then they denigrate that sub to not being a sub at all. If this makes them feel more "domly" well good for them. I do not want to pour my energies into wondering if I am being submissive enough, because all that is important is that I am submissive enough for the one that chooses me.

The attitude that you describe also usually belongs to the same people that believe that a person should just get on their knees and worship them. they do not need to earn the respect of a submissive, or court them... Insta-Sub.. just add water. As with any relationship people need to value each other and if all the giving and compromising comes from one person it is really not a relationship to me. I am not saying that a dominant should not have the last word on matters, but if they do not listen to the submissive then it can become so one-sided with only one person being responsible for the success of a relationship. I have learned in my life that one person cannot be responsible for the success or failure of a relationship! At least thats what I think, and I could be wrong.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 3:01:10 PM   
darq


Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

OMG, you mean if we say we are dominant we can make anyone do whatever WE WANT????!?!?!?!

I have been doing this ALL wrong!

All lesbian submissives line up NOW for inspection.........because I said so!



No no Miss Tigresse ...

Because you're dominant, you can have ALL female submissives line up ... Period. You get to decide whether or not we'll be lesbians ... Broadens your selection that way.

Now, back to the topic ...

I've noticed that *none* of the dominants I was specifically thinking of when I wrote the OP have showed up to put in their two cents worth yet ...

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 3:11:07 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Let me try to put it this way. I'm a Gorean Master. I know what I want. In this respect it all about me or in reality, it is all about House Iron Bear. End of story! I will not deviate from when I want nor lower my expectations or what is acceptable to me. Why should I?  I am the one ultimately who is to be pleased, not the slave. It is far far better to have an empty collar than one filled with the wrong person...... Now I've got a whole pile of knickers in a twist, let me add this... What works for me and for Goreans generally probably will not work for the rest and nor should it. To this I further add... I accept responsibility for all my actions and thus the buck stops with me. I'm buggered if  I'm going to share any failures I have with all and sundry! Stone the bloody crows if I did that you'd all want to share in my victories and sucesses too.... Hah!!!!

< Message edited by IronBear -- 5/10/2006 3:14:36 PM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 3:14:32 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darq

So this is an attitude I've noticed a lot lately among dominants posting to the forum ...

I gotta wonder where the heck it came from.

I've even heard it from a guy in real life recently ...

"I'm the dominant so that means its all about me.


I've been having the same exact thoughts, although I haven't fully processed them yet. My Mistress actually said today that it is kind of the natural perogative of the top to be selfish and we debated this point to no clear resolution.

Its my opinion that a DOM or TOP is best when they are leading and controlling and the sub acknowledges and responds to that authority. I think this is quite distinctive from an attitute that "everything is about me all the time."

Leading and controlling do not equate to being bitchy, self centered, and bossy with an insatiable need for extreme control over another's life.

IMO, a healthy DOM will always foster a sense of independence and individuality in their sub. This self sufficiency is necessary for one's mental health, life balance, and development. To wit I recall pissdoll's comments which made a great impression on me:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_332526/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#332558

As a sub, I can say this unequivocally. When a Dom projects an attitude of "its all about me," I find that to be a massive turnoff. And yes, I've gotten the same impression you have reading the posts here recently.

I think the DOMs should be all about their subs and the subs should be all about their Doms. It is not a one way street.

(in reply to darq)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 3:16:58 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

OMG, you mean if we say we are dominant we can make anyone do whatever WE WANT????!?!?!?!

I have been doing this ALL wrong!

All lesbian submissives line up NOW for inspection.........because I said so!



Oh dang, and me not a lesbian. I'm always in the wrong place at the right time.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 3:19:57 PM   
darq


Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline 		I expect that attitude from Gorean men, Mr Iron Bear ... (I love some of your posts.) I think for Gorean girls, its at least 70% of the charm ... Knowing that to be owned by a Gorean Master is to be put to use completely for his pleasure and at his whims.

Besides, you're not single ...

And ...

You don't bitch and moan ...

So, hah!

*grins*

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 20
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