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RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 4:09:02 PM

artglfr

Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
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So true, it is all about "US"...the Dominant and the submissive. I don't think I would enjoy punishing a blow up doll but let me tell you the joy of having My girl kneeling and serving and struggling...ALL because WE have negotiated it is Awesome. Yes it is about the PEOPLE first to Me at least.

_____________________________

Kink Forever
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Docents_of_Museum/

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 21

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 4:12:56 PM

artglfr

Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
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did it work? Please tell me it did...if so...Sub fems Please...

_____________________________

Kink Forever
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Docents_of_Museum/

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 22

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 4:24:20 PM

OnyxGoddess

Posts: 242
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

hmmm...well i've said in other posts it's 50/50. They get, I get, We get. I don't see how anyone can just have it their way all the time without consideration of the other. I meet all potentials first for a soda or coffee and we sit down and talk about what it is each of us wants. Maybe i'm an oddball?

(in reply to artglfr)

Post #: 23

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 4:48:46 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

It is about me. There are times when it is completely about me. this is my house and I am the one in charge. That also comes with all of the responsibilites and duties of running this house and caring for my little one. She gives herself to my care and in return I see that she is rewarded and cared for.

The relationship takes both of us to make it work.

K

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 24

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 4:53:56 PM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

Just a general reply here, not toward anyone in particular...

If it were all about you, then there'd be no room for anyone else, would there?

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 25

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 5:09:49 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darq

So this is an attitude I've noticed a lot lately among dominants posting to the forum ...

I gotta wonder where the heck it came from.

I've even heard it from a guy in real life recently ...

"I'm the dominant so that means its all about me."

Now as a submissive, I gotta say ... What the hell?

I've always been taught that relationships are about the people involved ... That means, its not all about you ..

Or me.

Its all about us ...

True enough. There can be no relationship where only one is involved. I think it depends on the type of relationship that is going on and the "IT" being discussed. Iron Bear is a Gorean and I can see his point from the Gorean perspective. I am not a Gorean master and yet, even in my relationships, it IS sometimes all about me. Sometimes, it is all about her. Sometimes, it is all about us.

quote:

Prewritten lists of rules and close minded attitudes concerning labels (ie I only spend time with 'slaves' ... I don't waste my time with wannabe subbies or bottoms.) strike me as a waste of time on the part of the dominant. (Submissives, we do this too but my focus right now is on the dominant side of the coin.) Every submissive is different. Every person is different. If you want a cookie cutter ideal, I suggest you invest in a blow up doll. Some submissives are meek and mild and some are opinionated and loud. Some are shy and reserved, others are exhibitionists in every sense of the word and live for the limelight.

True enough and each person should be taken as the individual they are. If a submissive has every single quality you seek EXCEPT she is opinionated, then you have to ask yourself if that is a dealbreaker. If it is, then she is not the submissive for you. There are dominants though who will not look at her and say "I cannot deal with that quality in her character" and will instead say "well...she is NOT a real submissive". I've noted on a previous post on here that I am a person who takes a quirky view of things sometimes and that results in my being a playful tease sometimes. Another 'dominant' overheard me and the submissive I was involved with at the time teasing each other in this matter and he pulled me aside later and told me that I needed to "be a REAL dominant and take your submissive in hand".

quote:

I've also noticed that a lot of these dominants who run around thumping their chests and saying, "Its all about me!" ... Are also single. And not happily single either. They're bitter about it ... They tend to complain that there are no real submissives out there anymore and chalk that up to their singleness.

True enough again. In fairness though, and because I have a certain cynical attitude about a couple of issues, I have to say that sometimes that bitterness occurs because of having dealt with a submissive who presented herself one way as long as things were good but when things were not good or something happened that she did not like, she presented an entirely different side than the one she had been promoting.

quote:

Now, being single is a fine thing. I personally have found great joy in being single. I choose very carefully when it comes to who I'll submit to and I do have a list of expectations, desires, needs and wants ... I don't generally throw that list out there and smack people in the face with it ... I figure, I'll know if you're what I'm looking for soon enough by simply taking the time to get to know you.

And you have the right to that list as does every other submissive and for that matter, every dominant, every switch on here. The idea of coming to this forum or any other D/s gathering as a dominant with the thought in mind that "her/his list is not important. He/she will soon learn that I will mold them into what I want them to be is working from misguided notion from the beginning.

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 26

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 5:23:17 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

Just a general reply here, not toward anyone in particular...

If it were all about you, then there'd be no room for anyone else, would there?

This is why I don't use those words but instead say "This is about me first and foremost" -- its a relationship but for me to be a good dominant, to be the owner, to be the mistress, I feel I have to think about myself first, do it for my own reasons first, do it my way first, and be confident that that way is the right way for me.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 27

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 5:27:31 PM

buffiyum

Posts: 119
Status: offline

Greetings A/all
one has been reading the posts on this thread and sometimes one nod and sometimes one just is inspired to think and think again, from the points made by Oothers. Sometimes one agree, and sometimes, one dont (thats half the fun, doncha know eh).

Celeste,
Actually, one kind of like how you put it.... the 'control' and the 'authority', as far as buffy is concerned, would rest with the Owner. Yet as you also wrote, the 'relationship' is about both of Uus (Owner/slave), and as such, the responsibility for the success of that relationship is on both yes - not just one.

Now, that said, one believes in taking quite a long time in finding and accepting what for her, is the 'right collar' because one wish to be able to know, that whichever 'One' she accept the collar of, will care enough for the needs of the slave, to ensure that it isnt just 'all about Him - all of the time'. Knowing that He will be thinking thus, she can then totally emerge herself in Him, without worries of any sort.

See, for buffy, a 'relationship' involves two (or more) people, not just Oone, so it has to have things in it which offer Satisfaction to all Tthose involved sometimes, not just for One. And of course, pleasing a One and (for buffy)knowing that such pleasing, is appreciated by the One so served, is a very big part of the 'satisfaction' she so needs from any M/s 'relationship'. Not that one expect (or even wish) for the Owner to be always thanking the slave for 'being pleasing' - well hell no - but a smile or a nod sometimes or the occasional pat on the head and a 'good girl' goes a long way toward giving buffy a warm happy feeling which she also need, within the M/s relationship.

buffy has listened in r/l and online, to Ones as They tell her that it is not and should never be, 'about her or any slave' - that it is only about the Dominant. buffy has always replied, "well fine and good for You, although one doesnot wish Your collar.... whatever works for You, one wish You the best of luck, so-to-speak". Some of those same Dominants however, have had the arrogance to tell buffy, since she has a difference of opinion on this subject, that she is no slave at all. one beg to differ of course .... one has many opinions on tons of things because contrary to what Some maybe believe, a 'slave' does not need to be a 'doormat' which is kinda good because a doormat, buffy could never be.

a very good thread this!

respectfully,
buffy

< Message edited by buffiyum -- 5/10/2006 5:32:06 PM >

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 28

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 6:12:49 PM

apb

Posts: 103
Joined: 9/21/2005
Status: offline

i met a Domme in this forum who definitely fell in to the "it's all about me" category. Within hours of meeting her this woman tried to take over my whole life! She wanted me to move in with her, co-parent her kids ... etc. etc. Not to mention the financial support she demanded from me ...

Happily, i subsequently met my life partner and Domme (in real life) almost by accident ... for U/us it is not all about either one of U/us. i have always been drawn to women with dominant personalities, but now i know the difference between Dominant and plain old domineering....

my Domme cares for me more than anyone else ever has in my 25 years of various and sundry, ultimately disastrous, so-called relationships. i am a natural sub, and have been all my life in every relationship (except with men) but did not stumble in to the lifestyle until September of last year.

i love being a full-time sub, being loved and cherished by my Domme, being shown off and played in public by my Domme, but most of all falling asleep with Her arms wrapped around me. she showers me with love and praise each and every day, and encourages me no matter what obstacles i encounter. she is my everything and i fall more in love with her every day ....

_____________________________

~ apb

"This is who I am - you can like it or not. You can love me or leave me 'cos I'm never gonna' stop."
~ Madonna

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 29

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 6:28:30 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

So this is an attitude I've noticed a lot lately among dominants posting to the forum ...

I gotta wonder where the heck it came from.

I've even heard it from a guy in real life recently ...

"I'm the dominant so that means its all about me."

I too have seen Dom/mes here and in real time that are quite selfish and self centered. I have also seen subs that are the same. What it boils down to for all concerned is the person, D and s alike, who is completely oblivious to the needs, wants and desires of their partner soon finds themselves without one. Dom/mes that want the sub to forego any and all comfort and pleasure for their own selfish desires, subs that can't see far enough past their own fetishes both are too self involved to realize that a successful D/s or M/s relationship REQUIRES two (or more) satisfied and fulfilled partners.

I can make it all about Me, but then it really would be.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 30

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 6:40:49 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Let me try to put it this way. I'm a Gorean Master. I know what I want. In this respect it all about me or in reality, it is all about House Iron Bear. End of story! I will not deviate from when I want nor lower my expectations or what is acceptable to me. Why should I? I am the one ultimately who is to be pleased, not the slave. It is far far better to have an empty collar than one filled with the wrong person...... Now I've got a whole pile of knickers in a twist, let me add this... What works for me and for Goreans generally probably will not work for the rest and nor should it. To this I further add... I accept responsibility for all my actions and thus the buck stops with me. I'm buggered if I'm going to share any failures I have with all and sundry! Stone the bloody crows if I did that you'd all want to share in my victories and sucesses too.... Hah!!!!

IronBear, my Master is not Gorean but he could very well have written this post (except I have never heard him say "Stone the bloody crows," however

)

I see it as, our relationship is all about my serving his desires, yet in doing so, I am fulfilled. So, it is about us, but it can only be about us if it is about him.

Ha! How's that for circular logic?!

~scratching my own head~ Damn, it's been a long week.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 31

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 6:55:44 PM

kisshou

Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

As a slave owned by a Gorean I was trained that it is all about him. That mindset is taught , encouraged and enforced in a Gorean Master/slave relationship.

After the Owner and I had been talking for a bit (when we first met) , He looked at me and said 'I think I might name you 'wild joy'

Upon hearing this I got all flushed with excitement and pride. I was thinking wow I am his wild joy, like it makes him all happy and excited to own me. Wanting to hear him tell me this I asked him 'Master why are you naming me that?'

He said because it fills you with wild joy being owned by ME.

That is when it hit me, it is all about him.

It is a mindset that has to be trained, taught and nurtured.

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 32

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 7:53:36 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

As a slave owned by a Gorean I was trained that it is all about him. That mindset is taught , encouraged and enforced in a Gorean Master/slave relationship.

After the Owner and I had been talking for a bit (when we first met) , He looked at me and said 'I think I might name you 'wild joy'

Upon hearing this I got all flushed with excitement and pride. I was thinking wow I am his wild joy, like it makes him all happy and excited to own me. Wanting to hear him tell me this I asked him 'Master why are you naming me that?'

He said because it fills you with wild joy being owned by ME.

That is when it hit me, it is all about him.

It is a mindset that has to be trained, taught and nurtured.

I would have been so turned off by that. But I guess thats just me.

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 33

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 8:00:56 PM

Smythe

Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darq

I've always been taught that relationships are about the people involved ... That means, its not all about you ..

Or me.

Its all about us ...

you made some really good points, darq. My question is this: If a Ds relationship is all about *us*, then what makes it Ds? It can't just be the kinky sex, for most people around here agree that kinky sex does not make a Ds relationship. In Ds there is a D: One Person is Dominant. this certainly doesn't mean that the submissive's needs are not important, or that it must be all about the D, all the time. But really, someone has to be dominant !! It's a little bit more about the D than the s. That makes my world go around.
Smythe

_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 34

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 8:06:08 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

I disagree.

Its not a little more about the Dominant than it is about the submissive ...

Thats just not realistic.

Sometimes, in any committed relationship, it will be more about one person than the other. But that scale tends to slide back and forth ... Its natural for this to happen ... And besides that, the OP was not about people who are currently in relationships; although a lot of ya'll have seemed to feel the need to come forward and defend your relationships.

The OP was about single people, namely dominants, who have the attitude "Its all about me!" and then bitch and moan when they can't find anyone who'll put up with them.

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to Smythe)

Post #: 35

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 8:07:44 PM

WyrdRich

Posts: 1733
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline

There ARE some real advantages to a switch relationship.

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 36

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 8:39:16 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Because you're dominant, you can have ALL female submissives line up ... Period. You get to decide whether or not we'll be lesbians ... Broadens your selection that way.

I thought that trick only works for doms that want to turn their girls bi so that they can go poly. "I know you THINK you're straight but you really are bi and want to go find another girl for us to play with don't you".

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 5/10/2006 8:44:18 PM >

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 37

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 8:45:53 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darq

quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou

He said because it fills you with wild joy being owned by ME.

I would have been so turned off by that. But I guess thats just me.

Now see, I find absolute truth in that. But...the statement is just a statement, left hanging there. It does not suggest what being owned by Him represents. What I receive back from my service to him...is amazing - the experience of Him can hardly be written in just a few short sentences. (But i'll try!)

Because of serving him, my life has been turned around. The core of me, which I had kept hidden, was brought to the surface. And then he added to it - wisdom, knowledge, compassion, intellect, acceptance. He removed my barriers. And, such results were accomplished by the day to day experience of him. The conversations, the lessons, the humor, the discipline, the stretching of my mind. He comes first, as every day I awake and retire with him as my focus. And my overall happiness and joy is the result.

How is this all about him? Because of the sense of accomplishment and pride he feels in the result of his invested time and effort in me. This is what he enjoys doing - owning a girl and creating her to live up to the best of her capabilities. And she does this through her service to him. By serving him (and he is not an easy one to serve) she feels a sense of accomplishment; a sense of pride. Her confidence and esteem grows. Her strength grows as she is gradually pushed to accomplish the very difficult. And she succeeds, because pleasing him comes first to her.

So...on the surface, "It's all about him" sounds shallow and silly. But there is so much behind that statement. And that is why in my previous post on the subject, I said it's all about him but in order to be about us, meaning we are both fulfilled, it must be about him.

(in reply to darq)

Post #: 38

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 8:46:33 PM

subrob1967

Posts: 4591
Joined: 9/13/2004
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One only need read my profile to know my thoughts on this subject.

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 39

RE: Its all about me ... - 5/10/2006 8:46:37 PM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

A D/s or M/s relationship (here, in this time) is seldom anymore 50-50 than other relationships. IMHO

Sometimes it is 60/40, sometimes 40/60…
Sometimes it is 75/25, sometimes 25/75

Sometimes it is 90/10 and sometimes 10/90

Love is love, no?

(in reply to WyrdRich)

Post #: 40

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