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RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 7:26:36 AM   
EclipseAbove


Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline 		The thing that kept jumping out at me as I read the OP's post was "What did the three of them agree to?". My guess at the answer is "Nothing". Frankly, the whole situation sounds like many of the train wreck threads in the poly forums where three or more people are trying to make it work without any communication or agreements in advance. They are so unbelievably tragic that I just can't look away.

So, to the OP: You are clearly not happy with the current situation - that is plenty fair. However, is the current situation what all three of you agreed upon? Was there any kind of agreement at all? Or are the three of you each expecting that the other two will just naturally want the same things all the time?

Making it work with two people is hard enough. The only chance in hell of making it work with more than two is with lots and lots of communication and agreements in advance.

< Message edited by EclipseAbove -- 5/10/2011 7:27:17 AM >

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 7:47:02 AM   
mynxkat


Posts: 240
Joined: 5/7/2011
Status: offline 		I'm new here, but I just gotta chime in with my views on this one. Most of the folks who've spoken up here have said basically the same thing: Take a good look at what you've got, and decide if you're happy with it. If you're not, get out. They are absolutely correct.

No, having emotional wants and needs and even feelings does NOT make you selfish. Well, maybe it does, but you know what? There's NOTHING AT ALL wrong with being selfish sometimes, especially when it comes to doing what's needed for you to keep yourself mentally and emotionally healthy. Heck, I'll admit right up front that I'm one of the most selfish people I know. I do what I do because it pleases ME to do it. That it happens to make me happy to keep Master happy is a terrific bonus, but the primary reason is that it makes me happy. Tell me that's not selfish.

To sum up, I have to agree with the people who have said you need to leave this situation. I've been in a sort of similar situation, and I know it can be damned hard to tell them 'That's it, I'm done. Have a nice life, goodbye.' But this is what you need to do.

(in reply to EclipseAbove)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 7:47:23 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Whoever is doing what to who is beside the point, there's been effort made on both sides but you don't seem happy. Seems like it's not the right situation for you. The whole virginity thing is also beside the point, if women were supposed to stick with their first lay out of some obligation to him, lots of us would be stuck with people that weren't right for us. I shudder to think of what my life would be like if I stuck with my first, yuck. This guy was your first, you'll always remember that, move on if it's not your cup of tea - he is granted no special place in your present life because he was the first, only in your memories.

One more thing, stop putting your education in second place. This is your future and how you'll support yourself to have a decent life. Take it seriously and spend the time you need to spend on it. Put whatever you need to do to be successful in school in first place and don't waver- if someone asks you to then you know they don't have your best interests at heart.

(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 8:07:21 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		Sweetlilcute,
I usually don't play the age card, but in this case, it seems appropriate.

You're 20 years old.  You had never had sex before losing your virginity to this married man.  What the Hell are you doing?  Get out of that relationship!  Fast!

I'm not going to judge whether he was right, or whether you were right.  It really doesn't matter.  What matters is that you are just beginning to experience adult relationships.  Why do it with a married man?  You obviously want time and attention from your partner.  So find someone who will give you that.  And frankly, a married man is the LEAST likely place to find what you seek.

Go to a local TNG munch, and find yourself a 22 year old non-poly Dom.  I think you'll be much happier in that situation.  You'll get to exercise your kink, and you'll also get to have the time and attention from your partner that you obviously crave.

It's not rocket science.  It only seems like it because you're only 20.  Simplify, Darlin'.  Find a man who'll be yours alone.  Then experience young adulthood and sexual experimentation like a 20 year old woman should.

Good luck.

(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 8:10:02 AM   
everhope


Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		Dear sweetlilcute,

learning to listen and trust your gut is perhaps more important than even a college education. well, except for the earning power...lol
i know my good gut listening skill has saved my life at least once and spared me lots of heartache.

reading your posts is like watching a ping pong game. my friends say this and he says that andandandandand.... he took my virginity.
friends are great to vent to, but most people give bad advice.

it appears the time you are allowed to spend with Master has changed. without hearing his side of the story, i will not make an assumption as to why.

what i get from all your posts is you are not happy.
you are finding it hard to break it off because not only is he your first Master, but your first fuck.

guess what sweetlilcute it is time to gather all your strength and move on. you will feel much better about yourself if you do it in a polite and graceful manner.
these types of situations provide the perfect opportunity for character building.

may we all find our bliss.   



_____________________________

may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.






(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 8:28:25 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Although we only have your side of the story, my take is that this couple does not have your best interests in mind. I say this b/c it appears they put having a clean house and a walked dog above you excelling in your educational pursuits.

This is a huge red flag to me. As has been suggested, this relationship is no longer meeting your needs.

Please take this advice from everhope:

guess what sweetlilcute it is time to gather all your strength and move on. you will feel much better about yourself if you do it in a polite and graceful manner.
these types of situations provide the perfect opportunity for character building.

may we all find our bliss.   





_____________________________



(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 10:57:46 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		I must admit I didnt read her entire post way to whiny and boring, just like a country song. Do yourself a favor grow up, move on enuff with the fucking drama already. Your fucking a married man whether his wife knows or not still doesn't make it right. You should have been smart enuff to not get involved with him in the first place as you have found out typically it ends badly.

You have only yourself to blame for some moronic choices you've made. Let this be a lesson to you.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 11:11:15 AM   
sweetlilcute


Posts: 26
Joined: 5/9/2011
Status: offline 		Alright, well htanks for everyones input.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 12:29:05 PM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

said lots of stuff in a nice way that made sence




it's really crap at any age to be told that you are young and do not know what you want/need yet. however, surely you are old enough to know what you don't want.

you are a quick shag for this guy and the ONLY reason his wife is involved is so that she can keep tabs and make sure he doesn't take it too far. unfortunately you have already taken it too far and too seriously. you have feeling too strong for a man who is not yours. he is not your master, he's a married guy taking advantage of a young girl and by the sounds of it on the verge of ruining your future.

sweetie, it's going to hurt like hell probably, but that's because you have an emotional attachment to him whereas he does not for you. if they loved you it would not be this way. when you love someone you want to spend your time with them and it is no chore to give them your attention. after a year.......although let's not forget that this is not a real time year, it's the odd day here and there where you've skivvied for them and then if you are lucky he's fucked you (and be under no illusion, no matter how you think it is, he is just fucking you, he has not made love to you) they can not tell you they love you and mean it. mind you, again that comes to context. i love my pet's, i love my son, i love my friends, i love my playmate, i was completely and totally in love with my ex husband for 14 years, i loved him dearly for a further 2......but no, they do not love you the way you think they do. do not allow yourself to be deluded into thinking they do, it just hurts more.

as others have said, give it up. concentrate on getting your future set and live a little. date, go out with single guys, play about a bit and get some experience. forget that he took your vaginity, that happens to us all and looking back i bet most of us wish it were different. this is no way to be for a first time sexual relationship.

as for his mind games, that is just crap. that's for his good not yours so he can justify being a twat.

walk away, cry for yourself if you must, but not for them as they do not deserve it.

good luck and i hope your finals are your first priority!

needles

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 12:47:35 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm going to use fast reply here and then go back and read the rest of the thread.

The thing about not being allowed to stay over when you are usually allowed to........  The first thing that hit My head was that the primary couple had some kind of issue (such as a fight) that needed to be resolved without somebody else in their house.  When MP and I have to deal with a disagreement that is between us that can't be handled immediately, NOBODY is staying over.  The two of us may still agree to go to the play party like we had already planned, but once we are back in private, whatever we couldn't settle IS the priority, and I want that settled before anything else.  Yes, I absolutely have told clip that he can't be at the house if something like this is going on and the plans have to change.

As for the wife's birthday, I'm actually in the couple's corner on this one, too.  She may have asked for a special evening after the guests go home where it is just the two of them.  They are a married couple and they also have to have quality time in their relationship.  If I told MP that I wanted to have a party in the evening for My birthday and then a kick ass night of hot sex with just the two of us, that is what I would get from him.  What husband isn't going to give his wife what she wants for her birthday if he's able?  Wedding anniversary, same thing.  I wouldn't care if that landed on what the 'normal arrangement' night is on the weekend. 

From your own description, you are the secondary relationship.  That means there are times that you aren't going to be made the priority.  There are times that you are going to be left out while they focus on just each other.  It's one of the agreements that we have in our household, too.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 1:17:59 PM   
devotedtoboth


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/1/2011
Status: offline
hm

< Message edited by devotedtoboth -- 5/10/2011 1:21:50 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 1:20:19 PM   
devotedtoboth


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/1/2011
Status: offline 		...

< Message edited by devotedtoboth -- 5/10/2011 1:22:37 PM >

(in reply to needlesandpins)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 1:22:08 PM   
devotedtoboth


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/1/2011
Status: offline 		...

(in reply to devotedtoboth)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 1:23:45 PM   
sweetlilcute


Posts: 26
Joined: 5/9/2011
Status: offline 		And i understand they need time together, but when i barely get to see them as it is.... those times really create a wedge for me. And, ya, it makes me see that they just don't have room or relaly in the end don't want another even. i understand about the b-day thing, but in the end that shows that the wife doesn't really wish for me to be present anyways or wish i was there in the first place. Sure i am secondary, but i didn't know that came along with being treated like shit...

i do a lot of work and service them and i'd like to get some attention back... instead of being kicked out. They didn't have a fight...there are a lot more little issues which have led up to that being a big deal.

As if it was to focus on their primary that is fine. But, they told me they were poly and that they wanted me around... when it seems like that is kind of the last thing that ever goes around. He wants me there at a party to look good... or when He is competing for something. Other than that it doesn't seem like W/we have training sessions anymore, i feel lucky if i get to spend any amount of time with Him at all.

i am a slave but i do deserve to get something from my Owner i mean.. right? Or else... who am i exactly a slave to...?

(in reply to devotedtoboth)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 1:25:39 PM   
sweetlilcute


Posts: 26
Joined: 5/9/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

said lots of stuff in a nice way that made sence




it's really crap at any age to be told that you are young and do not know what you want/need yet. however, surely you are old enough to know what you don't want.

you are a quick shag for this guy and the ONLY reason his wife is involved is so that she can keep tabs and make sure he doesn't take it too far. unfortunately you have already taken it too far and too seriously. you have feeling too strong for a man who is not yours. he is not your master, he's a married guy taking advantage of a young girl and by the sounds of it on the verge of ruining your future.

sweetie, it's going to hurt like hell probably, but that's because you have an emotional attachment to him whereas he does not for you. if they loved you it would not be this way. when you love someone you want to spend your time with them and it is no chore to give them your attention. after a year.......although let's not forget that this is not a real time year, it's the odd day here and there where you've skivvied for them and then if you are lucky he's fucked you (and be under no illusion, no matter how you think it is, he is just fucking you, he has not made love to you) they can not tell you they love you and mean it. mind you, again that comes to context. i love my pet's, i love my son, i love my friends, i love my playmate, i was completely and totally in love with my ex husband for 14 years, i loved him dearly for a further 2......but no, they do not love you the way you think they do. do not allow yourself to be deluded into thinking they do, it just hurts more.

as others have said, give it up. concentrate on getting your future set and live a little. date, go out with single guys, play about a bit and get some experience. forget that he took your vaginity, that happens to us all and looking back i bet most of us wish it were different. this is no way to be for a first time sexual relationship.

as for his mind games, that is just crap. that's for his good not yours so he can justify being a twat.

walk away, cry for yourself if you must, but not for them as they do not deserve it.

good luck and i hope your finals are your first priority!

needles


Thank you.

(in reply to needlesandpins)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 1:30:55 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetlilcute

And i understand they need time together, but when i barely get to see them as it is.... those times really create a wedge for me. And, ya, it makes me see that they just don't have room or relaly in the end don't want another even. i understand about the b-day thing, but in the end that shows that the wife doesn't really wish for me to be present anyways or wish i was there in the first place. Sure i am secondary, but i didn't know that came along with being treated like shit...

i do a lot of work and service them and i'd like to get some attention back... instead of being kicked out. They didn't have a fight...there are a lot more little issues which have led up to that being a big deal.

As if it was to focus on their primary that is fine. But, they told me they were poly and that they wanted me around... when it seems like that is kind of the last thing that ever goes around. He wants me there at a party to look good... or when He is competing for something. Other than that it doesn't seem like W/we have training sessions anymore, i feel lucky if i get to spend any amount of time with Him at all.

i am a slave but i do deserve to get something from my Owner i mean.. right? Or else... who am i exactly a slave to...?



Right now.......you are doing a bang up job of being a slave to your hurt feelings.

Go back and actually READ what Tazzy and LadyPact wrote.

It is glaringly obvious you have no idea what the two people you've become involved with want from a slave........what it means to be their slave. I am not saying that is your fault, because we have no way to know what has been discussed. Whatever the reality is, you don't like it.

Here's the deal. Do what Hannah Lynn wrote or suck it up. Whining isn't going to change anything.

Here is a novel idea........have you tried talking to both of them? Actual talking, not whining, not passive aggressive bullshit, just calmly telling them you are struggling and why???

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 5/10/2011 1:33:20 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 2:24:02 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetlilcute

And i understand they need time together, but when i barely get to see them as it is.... those times really create a wedge for me. And, ya, it makes me see that they just don't have room or relaly in the end don't want another even. i understand about the b-day thing, but in the end that shows that the wife doesn't really wish for me to be present anyways or wish i was there in the first place. Sure i am secondary, but i didn't know that came along with being treated like shit...

i do a lot of work and service them and i'd like to get some attention back... instead of being kicked out. They didn't have a fight...there are a lot more little issues which have led up to that being a big deal.

As if it was to focus on their primary that is fine. But, they told me they were poly and that they wanted me around... when it seems like that is kind of the last thing that ever goes around. He wants me there at a party to look good... or when He is competing for something. Other than that it doesn't seem like W/we have training sessions anymore, i feel lucky if i get to spend any amount of time with Him at all.

i am a slave but i do deserve to get something from my Owner i mean.. right? Or else... who am i exactly a slave to...?



No one is arguing with you, we dont really know the whole situation and are bringing up some different sides of it for consideration. Then you come in again to argue for your hurt feelings. Really, if your feelings are that hurt, and you are unhappy, there is no reason to stick around. It's pretty easy. It's just not working for you, it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong on this point or that point, or if they are right or wrong- it's just simply not working. There's no form you have to fill out or scale you have to fit in to in order to judge if your unhappiness is justified or not. The unhappiness on your part exists, therefore that is enough to end things. If you had a friend who described a situation where she/he was unhappy...what would you want for them?

Your other option is to go to the couple and have a discussion and see if things get better. Work on it with them or go, that's pretty much what your choices are.

(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 2:27:57 PM   
Selectivelight


Posts: 191
Joined: 9/30/2010
Status: offline 		If you never take anything else from me, for the love of all that is good in this world... take this advice.

Focus on your education, and stop putting those idiots ahead of your life.

(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 3:02:12 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetlilcute

And i understand they need time together, but when i barely get to see them as it is.... those times really create a wedge for me. And, ya, it makes me see that they just don't have room or relaly in the end don't want another even. i understand about the b-day thing, but in the end that shows that the wife doesn't <always> really wish for me to be present anyways or wish i was there in the first place. Sure i am secondary, but i didn't know that came along with being treated like shit...

i do a lot of work and service them and i'd like to get some attention back... instead of being kicked out. They didn't have a fight...there are a lot more little issues which have led up to that being a big deal.

As if it was to focus on their primary that is fine. But, they told me they were poly and that they wanted me around... when it seems like that is kind of the last thing that ever goes around. He wants me there at a party to look good... or when He is competing for something. Other than that it doesn't seem like W/we have training sessions anymore, i feel lucky if i get to spend any amount of time with Him at all.

i am a slave but i do deserve to get something from my Owner i mean.. right? Or else... who am i exactly a slave to...?


There's something missing from your post above.  The word that is screaming at Me is "always".  Such as what I did in the italics above.  No.  On that occasion, she didn't want you there and frankly, that is her right.  Her birthday comes once a year.  It's a special occasion where she might have wanted some intimacy specifically for that night. 

You very clearly said in another post that you were doing this so you could have this in half of your life and the other half was regular college student.  I happen to think this is a very level headed way of doing things for your situation.  You have other obligations and I'm sure that they do, too.  That makes you part-time, for lack of a better descriptor.  It's not like you live there and they pushed you out of the house for the evening.  You may be close to them and get treated like family sometimes, but you are still on "guest" status other times.  What I'm really interested in hearing is what was the problem with the other three Saturdays during the month?  Studying?  Gas cost?  Their work schedules?  Do they have minors in the home the other weekends?  What I don't want to see happen here is some version of "it really can't work out the other weekends, but there won't be any mentioning of that part" just to gain sympathy.

You got told you couldn't stay over.  Not that you weren't welcome at all.  If you are doing this as a slave, it is on their terms.  Not yours.  If My slave demanded that he should always be allowed to sleep over, I'd get another slave.  I don't do M/s quid pro quo.  It's not 'you clean the house and in return I have to do this, this, and this' to make you happy.  That's not treating someone like shit.  That's Me saying the dynamic works this way and it's up to you upon entering the situation if it is acceptable or not.

Being poly doesn't mean that every member of the poly household is "always" included.  Even in live in situations, two people of a triad might go and do something and the third person stays home.  It doesn't mean that it is always going to go your way.  Hell, I'm the Dominant and it doesn't even work that way for Me.  There are times that there are scheduling conflicts or special occasions that I have to step aside for because other family members need to be focused on or two events fall on the same day and a person can't possibly be at both.

You got some really good advice on this thread.  You've got some options in front of you.  One of those is to accept the situation that you agreed to be a part of and actually submit to what your Master wants of you.  (Keeping in mind that submitting to someone else isn't always going to mean that your wants are met.)  The other is to say this situation isn't meeting your needs and find one that does.  If I were you, I'd probably clarify the arrangement first so you know (not think, know) what the Master intends.  There's nothing wrong with you asking for more.  Demands are another issue.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Have a question? Need some thoughts from people.. - 5/10/2011 3:15:08 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		you need more time the he or they can give to you. No one is wrong or right. You both just simply have different priorities in life.

You are 20. At your age my advice is to go out and have fun..be a normal 20 year old. Date men your own age, go to parties, concentrate on school and work and enjoy going out with friends.

Stop trying to be a slave. Stop trying to be in a couple, stop trying.

Just be 20.


(in reply to sweetlilcute)
Profile   Post #: 60
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