aromanholiday
Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
It has been MY experience, and much of what they write on the forums only underlines it............that many, if not most, people that identify as submissive or slave are actually very selfish and needy people. Threads like this only emphasize.
In my world, that doesn't fly. If something/one else, requires my full attention, then other things/persons are going to pay the price. It is part of understanding the world, being a mature adult, and most importantly, it is part of serving and submitting.
I agree. It's been my direct personal experience that many of the things we consider to be absolute needs, things like not being ignored, are nothing of the sort and they can be changed if the motivation to change is strong enough. The change doesn't have to even be that hard. When you are submissive and you change from a more selfish or protected stance to a less selfish or more open/vulnerable stance, you tend to to feel happier, if you are in the right sort of relationship, even if the relationship is very new. The dominant, if he or she is right for you, will support such beneficial changes in such a way that you will feel more secure, not less, by making them.
I can understand this stance in someone looking for a partner, though, particularly online. In the early days of a correspondence, particularly if you knew nothing about the individual before that correspondence, you tend to be a little wary, because so many people online turn out , for various reasons, to be individuals you do not want to associate with. We all experience that.
If, in these very early stages, a dominant whom you barely know, does what you consider to be "ignoring you," (in quotes because "ignoring" means many different things to different people, from not emailing or texting you 5 minutes after you text them to not hearing a word from them in a week or two) this could cause doubts and worries in the submissive. At this point, you should raise such doubts and worries directly to the dominant and see what he or she has to say about them. The response will either calm your concerns or make them worse. That is useful information and you can take it from there. If the submissive doesn't at least raise the issue, then he or she is the one falling down at "clear communication." If you just immediately cut the dominant off because you have an inner unspoken rule that not texting you back within five minutes is a red warning sign that you should instantly dismiss them, then I don't think you really wanted to serve this person (or perhaps any person) in the first place. You are more interested in serving your own beliefs of what is right and wrong, particularly what is "owed you" in a relationship.
I think submissives have a responsibility to ask, early in the relationship, why the ignoring is occurring, if it is, and what it signifies. If the answer you receive is comprehensive, clear, and reassuring (if an answer isn't comprehensive and clear to me I'll assume my first question wasn't well-phrased, and I'll ask followup questions to verify or disprove the hypothesis that the other person, rather than me, is being unclear--this is kind of like applying the scientific method to submission!) and covers general incidences of ignoring as well as the specific one you asked about, then I think it is the submissive's responsibility not to bring this up as an "issue" again. There are legitimate concerns, like the common "does ignoring me mean that you are displeased with me?" concern. But if the dominant addresses those concerns and the outcome is positive and reassuring, then getting either pissy or anxious (the latter is often passive-aggressive pissiness: look at how anxious you make me with your bad ignoring behavior, Dominant!) when it happens in the future is a sign your ego is a bit out control and that, for an individual who claims to want to serve and please another, you're focusing an awful lot on serving and pleasing yourself.
_____________________________
"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"
My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.
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RE: Ignore your sub? - 
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