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ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

I'm curious about how others make the transitions between friendship and D/s-M/s roles. At what point is it ok to start assuming you can actually be Dominant or submissive in your interaction, rather than remaining politically correct? Do you wait until you've sat down in a clinical fashion and agreed?

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ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

Or for submissives.... when is it ok for the Dominant to actually start exerting Dominance over you? If you're on your 3rd date, but you're not actually collared, is it ok for the Dominant to say.... order your dinner for you? Or does the Dominant not have any right to do anything Dominant until you're in His/Her collar? And if so, how do you know you want to have this person as your Master/Mistress, if you've never seen them in a Dominant role over you?

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ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

Ok, the title of this thread probably doesn't accurately portray what I'm trying to get at here, but for some reason, I had a very difficult time articulating this train of thought. So, here goes...

I'm curious about how others make the transitions between friendship and D/s-M/s roles. At what point is it ok to start assuming you can actually be Dominant or submissive in your interaction, rather than remaining politically correct? Do you wait until you've sat down in a clinical fashion and agreed?

I usually wait for a face to interview and negotiate roles from there.

I am having an extremely difficult time with this since I've moved onto this whole online medium of meeting people. Before, I usually met lifestyle people in person, usually at lifestyle events, and high protocol ones at that. Dominants were permitted to show Dominance over the submissives. All the roles were clearly defined from the get-go and I felt more than comfortable being Dominant over them, and they felt more than comfortable being in a subservient role. That's why we were all at the event in the first place, to live out our D/s roles, no holes barred.

It is much easier in a setting where the roles are already
pre-defined.  Which is why I prefer play parties and dungeons.

For me, it feels really weird to be interacting with a submissive and not being "socially permitted" to show any Dominance. I'm sure a large part of this is because I come from a background and social group in which etiquette and protocol are fairly high. Dominants in general, had the right to say "girl, fetch me a drink" to any single submissive girl, and the girl felt honored that she was the one who was called upon.

It is lovely to have this kind of smooth interaction and high protocol.

Here is a scenario of how it seems to be going for me.
sub x messages me on collarme. We chit-chat back and forth, talking about life, career, interests. We trade phone numbers, and have a few conversations about family, religion, politics. We meet for coffee. Now the whole time, echoing in the back of my mind (and usually echoing in the back of sub x's mind as well), are these statements about how friendships should be formed first, find common grounds, negotiations, consent, no one has the right to assume roles, yadda, yadda... So we both try to not assume the other person is in any kind of Dominant or submissive role to the other.

Right, neither of you knows when it is appropriate to take the first
step towards the D/s dynamic.

Then sub x emails me "I don't think this is going to work out on a D/s level. You just aren't Dominant enough and don't take the reigns the way I need a lady to. We can be good friends though"

I hate it when that happens.  What were you expected to do,
smack them around in the restaurant?

So, I'm sitting there thinking... WTF? I could have easily ordered his coffee for him. I could have demanded he pick up the tab. I could have told him to sit up straight. I could have done all the communicating with the waitstaff. I could have told him which side of the table to sit on. I could have very smoothly taken the Dominant role during the coffee interaction. Even up to that point. I could have demanded he write me certain fantasies or filled out a BDSM checklist, or told him what time of day to write to me. In fact, that stance would have come more naturally to me. I deliberately took a more vanilla stance because we had not reached that clinical consent point of "Ok, I am now your submissive. Now you can call the shots."

Are you considering trying this approach?

Where do Dominants draw that line between their naturally Dominant personality and respecting that a submissive is not yet theirs? Do you actually wait until the moment you clasp a collar around their throat before you feel you have the right to make any demands or decisions? And if so, how are you sure that you want to collar them if you've never seen them in a submissive role to you?

I take the gradual approach, starting slowly during the intial contacts
and building up from there during subsequent interactions.

Or for submissives.... when is it ok for the Dominant to actually start exerting Dominance over you? If you're on your 3rd date, but you're not actually collared, is it ok for the Dominant to say.... order your dinner for you? Or does the Dominant not have any right to do anything Dominant until you're in His/Her collar? And if so, how do you know you want to have this person as your Master/Mistress, if you've never seen them in a Dominant role over you?

May it be that since the two of you have been interacting in a virtually vanilla manner that you might not be suited at all as a D/s dynamic? How can we determine the compatibility and suitability of our D/s roles if we aren't allowed to express those roles until that "official" agreement has been made that ok, we may now engage in power exchange?

Like I said, this whole train of thought wasn't really articulated well, but hopefully the underlying question got through.

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 Why are people expected to act vanilla, then progress to a bdsm dynamic within communication and acknowledgement of roles?..Ive never been in that situation..but it seems pretty dumb to me.