Najakcharmer
Posts: 2121
Joined: 5/3/2004
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For me personally (though I can't speak for the entire rest of the world) the line is very, very clear, simple and easy.
One word. Consent. That's it. Can't be any clearer than that really. In the absence of clear consent, no D/s roleplaying is allowed or desired. The moment that consent is given, your ass is mine, within the reasonable limits and structure of our existing social exchange.
Consent has levels and levels. Consent to act submissive and deferential to me at a social event does not constitute the expectation that I will collar and brand someone and take them home, and that is (or should be) reasonably well understood by both parties. It may not even constitute consent to physically touch them; their submission may be limited to verbal deference or serving drinks.
Explicit verbal negotiation is the best way to be really sure that both people are on the same page, but experienced players in a known cultural context may already be on the same page in terms of their expectations and the level of mutual consent. Eg, it may be part of the culture of a specific BDSM group that submissives may be asked to fetch drinks for dominants, or to address a dominant by a title if requested, and that's a normal expectation there. But it may also be understood that a dominant does not have automatic permission to touch or strike a submissive without consent. In another BDSM group, the expectations and levels of "assumed consent" may be different. When in doubt, ask. Communication and negotiation is the keystone of WIITWD.
Sometimes the initial communication isn't always verbal. If I look at somebody, and somebody looks at me, and we seem to naturally "click" to the point that I actually have the urge to respond in a D/s way, that's when I explicitly ask his consent, or expect him to ask mine. Now at this stage I am not asking to collar him and carve my initials on his ass. I'm not asking for anything beyond his consent to express our D/s roles with each other for the length of our interaction. If he's doing the asking, presumably all he is asking is something like, "May I get you a drink, Ma'am?" or better yet, "May I call you Ma'am? Is that appropriate?" Or, "May I be of service to you?" Or something to that effect. Anything will do if it fits the bill of explicit consent. We can then proceed from there to something deeper and more intense by negotiating a higher level of consent, or simply enjoy a very brief D/s interaction that is limited to a single verbal exchange.
Example: dialogue from last night's play party.
Fast forward over about 45 minutes of friendly, informative "welcome to the BDSM community, glad you could make it to your first event, here is some good advice about safety, etiquette, finding a play partner, negotiation, etc, here is what BDSM toys from my toybag look like, here is what you might expect from play or scening at an event." I encouraged him not to feel pressured to jump right into play, since he seemed shy and reticent, and said that it was just fine to relax, socialize and learn before participating. But if he did want to participate, here are some ways to approach a dominant that are considered polite and acceptable. Eg, "newbie orientation 101".
Since neither of us had asked or given any level of consent, I was friendly and neutral. It was obvious that I was *a* dominant, but it was equally obvious that I was being friendly and welcoming, respecting his comfort level, treating him as an equal, and not acting at all like *his* dominant. At some point the energy shifted, and I must have gotten that feral, predatory, sharp-fanged domme-grin on as I asked him, "So. You've never done ANYTHING like this before, eh? You're a total virgin?"
He picked up on that energy right away and said in a bare whisper, "That's right. Um, so you wanna....um...with me?"
Consent given. From that moment on, for the duration of our interaction at the event, I was dominant to him. It's really a mindset and attitude that changes, not always the physical actions. Though I will confess that I did in fact put him to his knees and negotiate my way to violating that virgin slave ass with his very first spanking and flogging. I could have stopped at an earlier level, and just had him behaving and speaking in a manner that expressed his submissive role and emphasized my dominant role. But I sensed that his interest and consent went deeper than that, so I asked him specifically if he consented to more. He did, so we both had a merry good time. I "dropped role" again at the end of the party and went back into "friendly community educator mode" to debrief him, educate him a little further about what had happened, and make sure he was okay. We parted with a nice hug and mutual well wishes, and that was the end of a positive D/s interaction.
If he had not clearly shown consent, I would have continued to respect his comfort level and remained friendly and welcoming. "Dominant" and "Asshole" are really not synonyms. It would not make me a Real Domme to go around disrespecting people or being pushy or bossy because I am too busy strutting my Real Dominance to act like a decent adult human being. I am also not a drive-through McDommes, handing out my dominant energy and attention to order to every wannabe sub who runs up and demands it. My consent also needs to be asked and given, not assumed.
It's really all about the consent for me. I'm not entirely sure that what you have is BDSM at all if consent is not asked and given first, in some way, on some level that is clearly accepted and understood by both parties. It certainly isn't anything I'd consider doing.
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RE: At what point is it ok to start expressing your role? - 
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