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Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 7:08:01 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		Just recently I and my little one broke up. She was my wife/slave in a 24/7 releationship, but now she has moved out and our D/s relationship is ended/suspended.
She was dedicated to me to such an extreme that she lost focus on who she was as a person. In some ways, her complete devotion is exactly what I thought a slave should have for her Master. The fact is, however, that she focused on me so totally that she began to loose focus on her R/W obligations, such as her job and her family.
Seriously, she lost the ability to act or react to anything without seeking my advice, council, or permission in any way. While she still craves being submissive to me, she knows that she has to find herself again and try to be "whole."
Now, my perspective on this is that she had all the right "moves," but I failed to see that she was loosing her identity.
The question: Does her assertion that she needs to be away from me in order to find herself have any merit? I feel that it does, but my judgement is clouded as she was not only my slave, but my wife and life-partner as well.
This is a difficult time, in some ways, for me right now. Your advice is appreciated!




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TopZippy
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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 7:21:02 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Zippy, with all the possible due respect I can muster I feel the need to ask a difficult question.  But as her Master, her Husband who she entrusted her life, her well being to, why was she able to slip so far from her center?  Did you not see this happening or did you try to correct this when it came to your attention? 
I ask due to my personal fears of things such as this.......

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 7:27:42 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Zippy I am so sorry for your loss...
 
You say she has lost her focus on work and on her family....these are big things....she could not have lost them with out wanting to loose them, and now she wants to put that responsibility on you, which in all fairness you do own some of, but not all....but this is not about blame this is about healing....and to me the way she can facilitate healing the fastest is for her to take personal inventory and personal responsibility as to why she allowed and chose to discard these two very important aspects of her self identity.
 
 


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Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 7:53:45 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		Quivver, you are right is saying that the drift of focus went unnoticed by me. I believe I understand my fault in this situation. I should have seen it, but in all fairness, she hid it from me very well, and then dropped the bomb on me. I berate myself for missing what should have been obvious to an attentive Master. In this I learned a lesson: Just because a slave says that she is happy, does not mean that it is so. When the word "Nothing" is used, be sure to look futher. <grin> A Master must look beyond what is presented and see the core of his slave. In that, I admit failure. To my eyes, she appeared to me, a perfect, attentive slave. The main cause of failure is communication difficulties.

couchingtigress, I agree that this is not about blame, but rather healing. I am trying to learn from this experience, which is all I can do at this time. We may not be over yet, but I think the dynamic between us is in for a shakedown.






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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 7:59:18 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Zippy, I am sorry for your loss.  I can say that I have had such fears myself...which is one reason why I shy away from a 24/7.  I wish the best for both of you.

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:05:33 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		It is my hope, that when all is said and done, we will resume our relationship. It may not be a 24/7 D/s, but mainly BDSM scenes. She is still one kinky lady. <grin>
In truth, the future is hard to predict. We could return to our 24/7, but with changes, or we may never get back together, even as husband and wife. A depressing thought, but a possible outcome.
Thanks for your words and encouragement!


< Message edited by TopZippy -- 5/14/2006 8:06:48 AM >

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:06:00 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Shakedowns are blessings my friend, it may not seem so at this time, but birthing is always hard...and in our species it is the hardest of all.
 
I am not being cynical here but I think there are other deeper dynamics going on with you both, maybe the perfection of which you speak was a place you both could escape from some deeper issues?



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Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:12:42 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		That is possible. Right now she does not feel like sharing her motivations and concerns, at least fully, so I am left to guess. And guessing only seems to make me feel worse and could lead to futher misunderstandings.
If "deeper" issues are at play, I wish I understood them better. It is hard to fix something when you don't know exactly what is broke.
I have spent hours each day trying to analyze the situation, both from my point of view and from what I imagine hers is. I think and I write every day so that when the opportunity arises to discuss things, I will at least have ideas and thoughts to present to her.
In truth, I am more worried about loosing my wife, best friend, and life partner, than I am in loosing a slave.



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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:23:41 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		This is exactly why I insist on my submissive having interests outside of our personal dynamics. I encourage her to have social activities that do not necessarily include me. I encourage hobbies & activities that are for her to do on her own.

I have seen this situation as Zippy has described in others. I have seen couples have their lives completely crumble & fall apart when this has happened. Many find it extremely difficult to pull back together. Those that do find their way back also find that the structure & dynamics will never be as they once were.

If you truly love this woman... if she is in fact your life partner, you will both need to come together & decide what is in both of your interest. You as the dominant will have to make sure that you do not fall back into step as things once were because doing so will only result with a repeat of what is happening now.

What happens with the sub/slave, in my experience is after breaking away is that they will have a withdrawel... the sub/slave will crave once again what they have pulled away from. As the dominant you have to resist her plea to return to things as they were before.

Her human instinct for survival caused her to drop this bomb as you called it... returning to things as they once were will only cause this cycle to repeat. She is going to need to learn to have her own value of self & you are going to need to insist on she having a sense of individuality.

I hope that you are able to find a way to pull out of the reigning Master mode with her... one small thing I noticed in your first post makes me wonder if it will be possible for you to do so... look at this one sentence & think about it for a moment...
 
Just recently I and my little one broke up.
 
Need I say more?

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:30:57 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		"In truth, I am more worried about loosing my wife, best friend, and life partner, than I am in loosing a slave. "

Send her that, with a huge bunch of flowers...and a note that offers your total support however it needs to unfold....
 
And then let it go....
 
Not let her go, just trust it, trust yourself, and dont get caught in non-productive wheelspinning....over analyzing can be as damaging as underanalilisng....but I stand by what I said, she chose to allow herself to get so far off center, and she must find her own way back...
 
If you love something set it free , if it comes back to you its yours, and if it does not it never was....
 
I have been is a 24-7 m/s where I lost myself, it is easy to do. 
 
But my owner did not give me the time and space that I needed to re balance myself, he was so strict about taking off the collar. But ultimately we need to grow as humans, and unless the collar grows with us, it ends up strangling us.
 
 
 



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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:44:29 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		MstrssPassion, I see your point. It has only been about 2 weeks, and yet I still think of her as my little one. It is something I am going to have to change.
I do want her to have a sense of self. Her devotion to me was so complete that it "seemed" that she lost that sense of individuality.
Thanks!


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TopZippy

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:44:42 AM   
moonchild68


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/14/2006
Status: offline 		I left my Master/husband almost exactly the way you describe.  It was horribly painful, but i felt as if i was drowning and ended up with such a secret resentment of him that it destroyed us. i know that i had as much responsibility to communicate what was happening to him as he had to see it, but it just didn't happen.  i believe i tried in my own way as he probably believes he tried to see it. What started out as the thing i hungered for most in life became the thing eating me alive from inside.  i felt this huge hole in me, a huge pain and emptiness, killing me a little at a time and when i tried to reach out to him it only got worse.  You are at least trying to truly understand instead of blame. i hope she can reach out to you.

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:48:06 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		crouchingtigress, I believe she does need to be away from me in order for her to "get better." It is difficult to drop the roles we have become used to. It was going on 9 years for us as a couple and 7 years as a D/s couple. Maybe she simply needs to have me out of her life in order to experience what is like to think for herself and not always be concerned with me.
Thanks for the comment!



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TopZippy

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:51:34 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		moonchild68, I feel that supporting her through this is the best way for her to feel better about herself.  It is difficult, because what I really want to do, just from an emotional standpoint, is to tell her to come home. I realize, however, that we would only be depressing the problem futher, and that is no good for either of us.
Thanks!


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TopZippy

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 8:56:31 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		The pet name wasn't my point. It was the sentence structure.

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MstrssPassion


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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 9:00:50 AM   
TopZippy


Posts: 29
Joined: 9/13/2005
From: Cloquet, MN
Status: offline 		Ok, I am not sure I am seeing your point.
Is it "I and my little one"? The fact that I place myself first?
If not, please let me know your point.
Thanks,


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TopZippy

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 9:02:47 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		I am confused too, I thought him calling her HIS little one, what you were referring too....can you explain?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

The pet name wasn't my point. It was the sentence structure.


< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 5/14/2006 9:05:06 AM >

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Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 9:04:29 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Let me expand a bit... the sentence structure made a key point.

Your mindset as her Master would not even allow you to form a proper sentence structure... you had to refer to yourself first & in a way that you were able to place a capital letter as the identification. You were able to do so & keep it quite subtle... stealth like but all the while your mindset focused on the fact that you HAD to represent yourself in every way possible as MASTER.

You have to really work on backing down if backing down is what she needs to do in order to be secure, content & hold onto her own sense of identity. As a submissive/slave she will follow your lead. If you do not tone it down a bit she will not be able to.

My opinions, views & expressed thoughts are just my own... hope that you can find something in my words that you may have not considered. That is of course the point to any of us posting in the first place.

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 9:11:09 AM   
KittenWithaTwist


Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

The question: Does her assertion that she needs to be away from me in order to find herself have any merit? I feel that it does, but my judgement is clouded as she was not only my slave, but my wife and life-partner as well.


Yes, it does. She's the only one who can know what she needs. You can't read her thoughts or understand how she feels about her own path. It scares me a little that, as close as you were to her, you couldn't see that the rest of her life was slipping away. But, personally, I think you should be proud of her for doing what she needs to do to make herself happy and complete.

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RE: Lost My Little One.... - 5/14/2006 9:16:15 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

I am confused too, I thought him calling her HIS little one, what you were referring too....can you explain?



Pet names are pet names & I would never be so pretentious as to suggest that a pet name someone uses for their loved one would be wrong... I refer to my submissive as my girl or as Becca, either one is proper for 'us'... many might argue that my using a capital for her name is wrong, to each their own. Capitals or lack thereof do not define a person.

In fact I think little one is rather cute... it is up to her as to what feeling it evokes. That is something Zippy & his little one will have to talk about.

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