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RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 11:28:33 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

I still do not consider D/s to be an orientation, or just a relationship style, but I am going to have to do some heavy thinking in order to figure out exactly what i think it is and how to put whatever that is into words (and also make sure I am using the words correctly



I am attracted to dominance the same way I am attracted to men. It is the basis of my "romantic" ideal, and that is why I say it is an orientation for me, and not just a sexual thing.


Edited to add, when you have been involved with a person over a couple of years, the motivation to obey isn't because it makes you "hot"... it is the way the relationship functions. And I think this maybe the difference between how people of a certain age view their intimate relationships. You are very young, and the young tend to be much more about the sexual part of their relationships.... at least I was like that at 18


< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/10/2011 11:31:19 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 11:36:04 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

I gather that your dynamic/situation is very much not the norm, you yourself have said so many times. If that is so, then perhaps it isn't really fair of you to object when somebody makes a general statement which holds true for most people, but not for you and Carol. You do this quite often, but you are the exception, rather than the rule. At times I feel that we are expected to state our views with a caveat of "except in the case of Jeff and Carol". I'm not trying to say you shouldn't be giving your input, its just that you do come across rather vehemently about it at times, which seems a little out of place given the uniqueness of your approach..

Fair enough. I can sympathize with the viewpoint that says, "We can't possibly disclaim every possible exception nor is that helpful to conversation." That problem exists not just with "Jeff & Carol" but with pretty much everything. If it helps you any, the reason I make such posts isn't to correct you personally. "Jeff & Carol" are not entirely unique out there. I get enough cmails to know that at least some people are glad that someone is holding up an alternate viewpoint. So I make the posts mostly just to assert into a thread, "OK, but it's not this way for everyone. There are other viewpoints" That way, the other misfits out there find out they fit better than they thought.

In this case, however, you did specifically draw my attention. It was the incredibly parochial viewpoint coupled with the dogmatic assertion of absolute truth. I normally dislike the OneTrueWayers and call them on it when I see it... whether or not I personally align well with their Way(tm).

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 11:39:15 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

First of all D/s is a kink. That is not debatable, it simply is. And secondly it is your kink.



This caught my eye and it's a strong statement ...and not debatable?

It's most assuredly not a kink for us and it's not even an orientation for me. The way we relate fits this structure but it's not erotic inandofitself.

Kinky things are amazing for us because we are in tune with the way we work, not because the way we work is kinky. (which is a similar comment to Jeff's, except that we DO do kinky things...lol)

agirl










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Profile   Post #: 83
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 11:45:09 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
which is a similar comment to Jeff's, except that we DO do kinky things...lol

I was hoping you'd chime in here :)

By the way, in the interests of full disclosure I'm pretty sure that we don't really qualify as vanilla anymore. We may have graduated to "weekend warrior" status LOL. But like you, that doesn't change where the dominance and submission comes from. The recent sexual flavor added to our marriage is just that... some extra seasoning.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 11:54:46 AM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4
When a fetish or addition has control of somebody... that's what's controlling their ass.
Kind of problematic in any relationship let alone a D/s one!


i think Heather nailed this one. It's ALL "fetish", if you define fetish broadly as what turns someone on, what they feed on, what makes them tick in a relationship. It's just that sometimes yours doesn't match up with someone else's. Maybe that makes them "shallow" in your eyes. i have little problem with You calling them that- You're entitled to Your opinion, and, frankly, if You correctly assessed this girl's motivations from what it says on her profile, i probably would've thought the same thing.

Just know that she's probably reading Your profile and thinking, wow, all this guy cares about is power and control, it's an addiction for Him, what a shallow guy, i think i'll pass...

You are entitled to pass. You are entitled to Your opinions. You are entitled to write a thread about it. Furthermore, since it's hard to know someone from just reading their profile, i think we all make superficial judgements about strangers as we're sorting through potential cantidates on the other side. You are not obliged to spend months getting to know her before You decide that she's not worth Your time getting to know.

But we are all "controlled" by the things that matter to us. For fuck's sake, so she's not Your cup of tea. Let it go already.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 6/10/2011 12:01:18 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 85
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 12:16:56 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
which is a similar comment to Jeff's, except that we DO do kinky things...lol


I was hoping you'd chime in here :)

By the way, in the interests of full disclosure I'm pretty sure that we don't really qualify as vanilla anymore. We may have graduated to "weekend warrior" status LOL. But like you, that doesn't change where the dominance and submission comes from. The recent sexual flavor added to our marriage is just that... some extra seasoning.



lol...when I've worked out what *vanilla* is, I'll add something to that :)

I don't find you and Carol that far from us in relationship style, therefore I'm often nodding, even if I don't comment.

I'm not sure what the *norm* is when it comes to D/s, or even if there is one! We are in accordance with aspects of Focus's views and also Lady Pact, LaTigresse, DesFip, NV, juliaoceana, RS and plenty of other regular posters....and there are other aspects where we'd differ hugely.

There need be no caveat regarding you and Carol.....Your approach is interesting and refreshing and ought to be expressed for the very reason you mentioned...............for all those that don't fit this supposed *norm*.

agirl


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Profile   Post #: 86
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 12:26:19 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
lol...when I've worked out what *vanilla* is, I'll add something to that :)

Well, let me do my part to help. "vanilla" does not include surgical staples :)

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 12:49:14 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

As an aside not specifically related to this thread:
I gather that your dynamic/situation is very much not the norm, you yourself have said so many times. If that is so, then perhaps it isn't really fair of you to object when somebody makes a general statement which holds true for most people, but not for you and Carol. You do this quite often, but you are the exception, rather than the rule. At times I feel that we are expected to state our views with a caveat of "except in the case of Jeff and Carol". I'm not trying to say you shouldn't be giving your input, its just that you do come across rather vehemently about it at times, which seems a little out of place given the uniqueness of your approach..



I want to chime in on this one too, Heather.  While the Mister and I *do* enjoy some kinky and (in some people's view but not ours) even "fetishy" things, our relationship orientation is just that - a way we relate to each other.  He is the authority and I submit to that authority.  But our love is the basis of the relationship - sex, kink, humor, music, cooking, movies, art &wine festivals, etc., are elements of that relationship which we enjoy together.  While I look at him often and think "Damn, he's hot," submitting to every demand of his does not make me hot - it's simply something I can not help myself from doing. 

I think Jeff & Carol (and perhaps agirl and her "M") and the Mister and I, and anyone else out there who relates to some of the same things, or no less the norm than anyone else on this site.  Stick around long enough and you'll find there really is no "norm" - and that's one of the really cool things about these boards that I like so much.  So much diversity here, and so many ways to broaden my own perceptions of what the heck goes on out there in the world.

At this point, I can't really address what WS is posting, because it's kind of all over the board and nothing I can wrap my head around.  But this is a nice sidebar that came from the thread, and I wanted to add my 2 cents to it.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 12:58:02 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
lol...when I've worked out what *vanilla* is, I'll add something to that :)

Well, let me do my part to help. "vanilla" does not include surgical staples :)


HA!..... oh that! :)  That wasn't kinky, that was *exploratory*.....a bit like seeing how much it hurts to crush a stinging nettle in your palm.....or licking the frozen garage door handle....anyone? anyone?......lol

agirl




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Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 1:44:26 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
lol...when I've worked out what *vanilla* is, I'll add something to that :)

Well, let me do my part to help. "vanilla" does not include surgical staples :)


HA!..... oh that! :)  That wasn't kinky, that was *exploratory*.....a bit like seeing how much it hurts to crush a stinging nettle in your palm.....or licking the frozen garage door handle....anyone? anyone?......lol

agirl



Mine was an outdoor well spout.

My brother......we had aluminum ice cube trays when I was a kid. I convinced him it was a good idea to lick the lever handle..


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 2:17:58 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
lol...when I've worked out what *vanilla* is, I'll add something to that :)

Well, let me do my part to help. "vanilla" does not include surgical staples :)


HA!..... oh that! :)  That wasn't kinky, that was *exploratory*.....a bit like seeing how much it hurts to crush a stinging nettle in your palm.....or licking the frozen garage door handle....anyone? anyone?......lol

agirl



Mine was an outdoor well spout.

My brother......we had aluminum ice cube trays when I was a kid. I convinced him it was a good idea to lick the lever handle..



I knew I couldn't have been the only one :)

agirl


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See how easy it can be?

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Profile   Post #: 91
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 2:32:33 PM   
Ishtarr


Posts: 1130
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

My words pale in comparison to my voice


I can attest to that. *fans herself*

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Du blutest für mein Seelenheil
Ein kleiner Schnitt und du wirst geil
Egal, erlaubt ist, was gefällt

Ich tu' dir weh.
Tut mir nicht Leid!
Das tut dir gut.
Hör wie es schreit!

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 3:12:00 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
HA!..... oh that! :)  That wasn't kinky, that was *exploratory*


LOLOLOL. I cannot even tell you how useful that line is going to be to me as Carol continues to corrupt me and I continue to try to retain my vanilla-ness.

No honest your honor... it wasn't kinky. It was exploratory...

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 5:23:25 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		TPE is a concept that is rather difficult to grasp for many.. Lots of folks say they want it, but few consider the ramifications of the word 'total'. It would seem to me that it is the dominant's responsibility to make sure the submissive understands what 'total' is going to do to their life.
Unfortunately, some people do not know what they want, or lie. If it is the former, then it is important to discover what they are capable of before jumping in with both feet. The latter is a little tougher to weed out, but not impossible.
You seem to assume when asking questions would clarify whether this person would be the type of submissive you desire.
For example, you say “I want a TPE M/s relationship. You say you like gangbangs. If I wake up one morning and decide from now on we will be monogamous, would you say “Yes, Sir!' or would you screech “You want me to do WHAT????”
Pretty simple, no?

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
Profile   Post #: 94
RE: Full Control - 6/10/2011 6:31:39 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		... and here I sit reading profiles and thinking "what the hell am I doing on this site"  I have no desire to be a fuck toy, to be passed around like second hand goods, I'm not a masochist and don't relish the idea of whips or canes...I have no desire to live in a cage or eat from a bowl at your feet...  I simply want a man I respect and trust enough to hand the reins to... that allows me to drop my protective shields and know that what he wants will be what is best for us.  It's amazing the transformation I feel when I'm in a relationship that allows me to be soft, loving and pleasing to my partner.  Then if there are "dark sides" to be explored it's done in a manner that doesn't make me feel less of a person rather safe in a loving relationship.
'


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I have an explosive personality...


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Profile   Post #: 95
RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 3:09:59 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hey Miss Curiosity,
Love what you said here....

quote:

... allows me to drop my protective shields and know that what he wants will be what is best for us.  It's amazing the transformation I feel when I'm in a relationship that allows me to be soft, loving and pleasing to my partner.  Then if there are "dark sides" to be explored it's done in a manner that doesn't make me feel less of a person rather safe in a loving relationship.


I will say, though, that I do try very hard to "drop my protective shields"  (I don't always succeed.  ahem.).  I am single (currently), and I have found that when I trust myself , knowing that what I want is what is best for me, I can explore my dark side in a safe and loving way while still being a soft, loving, pleasing person.  It has done wonders for my work, my life, my friendships, all the relationships that are most important to me.  I've been able to stop expecting love from people who don't want or can't give it which has freed up a huge part of my heart to give love to people who do want it. 

I'm certainly in flux at this stage of my life, but I like the way I'm living it (generally speaking).

It's so good to see you  here, and I'm glad you're feeling well enough to join this lil online crew. 

best wishes,
sunshine


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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Profile   Post #: 96
RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 3:50:00 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
HA!..... oh that! :)  That wasn't kinky, that was *exploratory*


LOLOLOL. I cannot even tell you how useful that line is going to be to me as Carol continues to corrupt me and I continue to try to retain my vanilla-ness.

No honest your honor... it wasn't kinky. It was exploratory...


There you go :) To be honest, many, many things that we have done are simply done with a *wonder what that's like?* attitude.

Sometimes they send us drifting off into our *nothing exists apart from you me and what we're feeling right now* place.

Other times they don't do that and are a bit dull, so they slip into the *not interesting enough to do again* place.

I'm not much of a kinky person but coupled with M, I've explored all manner of fairly extreme things, often simply to see what it's like. We go at them in the same way we go at other things like trying new food or a new anything.

One thing we do over and over and over is laying in my big bed naked while eating a picnic and watching tv, dozing and exploring each other's bodies.......... we never tire of that one :)

In regards to sunshine's post..quote..

TPE is a concept that is rather difficult to grasp for many.. Lots of folks say they want it, but few consider the ramifications of the word 'total'. It would seem to me that it is the dominant's responsibility to make sure the submissive understands what 'total' is going to do to their life.
Unfortunately, some people do not know what they want, or lie. If it is the former, then it is important to discover what they are capable of before jumping in with both feet. The latter is a little tougher to weed out, but not impossible.

...unquote...

This is often the crux......TPE isn't something you can do happily and successfully with just anybody because wanting it and doing it are two different things. I think it's BOTH people's responsibility to examine whether or not it's achievable with each other. Sometimes, with the best will in the world it might work in the short term, but not the long term.

When the shine of it all being new and different wears off, there has to be a rock solid foundation to move it foward into *for the forseeable future*. I've seen countless people move headlong into it without having spent anything like enough time to really know the person they are doing it with.

The drive should be the person you are joining hands with, not the WAY you're going to hold hands because you can adjust a handhold and still be attached. If you end up wanting to snatch your hand away there's no walking together at all.

agirl


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Profile   Post #: 97
RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 4:46:55 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
TPE is a concept that is rather difficult to grasp for many.. Lots of folks say they want it, but few consider the ramifications of the word 'total'. It would seem to me that it is the dominant's responsibility to make sure the submissive understands what 'total' is going to do to their life.
Unfortunately, some people do not know what they want, or lie. If it is the former, then it is important to discover what they are capable of before jumping in with both feet. The latter is a little tougher to weed out, but not impossible.
You seem to assume when asking questions would clarify whether this person would be the type of submissive you desire.
For example, you say “I want a TPE M/s relationship. You say you like gangbangs. If I wake up one morning and decide from now on we will be monogamous, would you say “Yes, Sir!' or would you screech “You want me to do WHAT????”
Pretty simple, no?


Exactly
You get it.... Thank you!

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

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Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 5:00:48 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
TPE is a concept that is rather difficult to grasp for many.. Lots of folks say they want it, but few consider the ramifications of the word 'total'. It would seem to me that it is the dominant's responsibility to make sure the submissive understands what 'total' is going to do to their life.

Unfortunately, some people do not know what they want, or lie. If it is the former, then it is important to discover what they are capable of before jumping in with both feet. The latter is a little tougher to weed out, but not impossible.

You seem to assume when asking questions would clarify whether this person would be the type of submissive you desire.

For example, you say

“I want a TPE M/s relationship. You say you like gangbangs. If I wake up one morning and decide from now on we will be monogamous, would you say “Yes, Sir!' or would you screech “You want me to do WHAT????”

Pretty simple, no?


This is my issue "Dead on the Money".






_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 5:15:57 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Thank you!



You're welcome!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
Profile   Post #: 100
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