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RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 5:45:19 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

This is often the crux......TPE isn't something you can do happily and successfully with just anybody because wanting it and doing it are two different things. I think it's BOTH people's responsibility to examine whether or not it's achievable with each other. Sometimes, with the best will in the world it might work in the short term, but not the long term.

When the shine of it all being new and different wears off, there has to be a rock solid foundation to move it foward into *for the forseeable future*. I've seen countless people move headlong into it without having spent anything like enough time to really know the person they are doing it with.

Well said, Agirl, and yes, it IS both persons responsibility to be honest about what their expectations are. Looking inward, honesty with one's self is paramount. However, this takes time. You knew your M for years, I believe, and wanted him, not a concept.

quote:

The drive should be the person you are joining hands with, not the WAY you're going to hold hands because you can adjust a handhold and still be attached. If you end up wanting to snatch your hand away there's no walking together at all.

And I quoted this because it is simply lovely!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 101

RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 6:55:58 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

This is often the crux......TPE isn't something you can do happily and successfully with just anybody because wanting it and doing it are two different things. I think it's BOTH people's responsibility to examine whether or not it's achievable with each other. Sometimes, with the best will in the world it might work in the short term, but not the long term.

When the shine of it all being new and different wears off, there has to be a rock solid foundation to move it foward into *for the forseeable future*. I've seen countless people move headlong into it without having spent anything like enough time to really know the person they are doing it with.

Well said, Agirl, and yes, it IS both persons responsibility to be honest about what their expectations are. Looking inward, honesty with one's self is paramount. However, this takes time. You knew your M for years, I believe, and wanted him, not a concept.

quote:

The drive should be the person you are joining hands with, not the WAY you're going to hold hands because you can adjust a handhold and still be attached. If you end up wanting to snatch your hand away there's no walking together at all.

And I quoted this because it is simply lovely!

Apologies catize, it was your post that I quoted.....I saw the sunflower and thought *sunshine* :)

Yes, I knew M for years before he owned me, so we can hardly grumble that we were unaware of what we ended up with :) He'd never owned someone who wasn't submissive and I'd never been owned at all....lol

Having said that, we have changed all sorts of things...our relationship NOW doesn't resemble the one we began with at all. We've had horrendous ups and downs but we are still holding hands. The first heady years saw very few issues between us but as the years moved along we've had to face all sorts of sometimes rather hurtful and uncomfortable situations between us.

If we hadn't had the very sound position of knowing each other so well, and knowing that we wanted this AND each other, we'd have crashed and burned ages ago. Neither of us are the easiest of people to be with on the passionate level that we've maintained. There's no *ho-hum* with us and we've most certainly changed the way we hold hands numerous times.

We've known each other for over a decade and he still rocks my entire world, he's my first and last thought every day and everything in between. He also pisses me off on a regular basis and without doubt I do him.

I saw TPE in terms of *TPE with M*...........not as a stand alone concept. TPE means nothing without the other half of the union. It's like saying * I want to be married*.

Long term TPE, for me, is as easy as breathing and as difficult as sucking porridge through a straw. It's the best thing that ever existed and the worst low you can imagine....because it means so much and because HE means so much.

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 102

RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 8:54:09 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
TPE is a concept that is rather difficult to grasp for many.. Lots of folks say they want it, but few consider the ramifications of the word 'total'. It would seem to me that it is the dominant's responsibility to make sure the submissive understands what 'total' is going to do to their life.
Unfortunately, some people do not know what they want, or lie. If it is the former, then it is important to discover what they are capable of before jumping in with both feet. The latter is a little tougher to weed out, but not impossible.
You seem to assume when asking questions would clarify whether this person would be the type of submissive you desire.
For example, you say “I want a TPE M/s relationship. You say you like gangbangs. If I wake up one morning and decide from now on we will be monogamous, would you say “Yes, Sir!' or would you screech “You want me to do WHAT????”
Pretty simple, no?

Exactly
You get it.... Thank you!

My question would be, would Miss Gang bang have expressed a desire for TPE on her profile?

Personally i never much thought about TPE when I was in my last relationship. He did assume if there was something he needed me to do I would do it, and that meant things both big and small, and yes there were conflicts because some of the things he expected felt impossible to me. I would never have called him TPE, he never expressed the desire for the label.

I prefer just being what I am with another person, I suppose. I am not a labler I suppose. And my concept of TPE might be completely different from yours. Some people would have considered my relationship TPE because he always got things the way he wanted while we were together, I didn't even think about it to be honest.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 103

RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 9:49:51 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Hey Miss Curiosity,
Love what you said here....

quote:

... allows me to drop my protective shields and know that what he wants will be what is best for us. It's amazing the transformation I feel when I'm in a relationship that allows me to be soft, loving and pleasing to my partner. Then if there are "dark sides" to be explored it's done in a manner that doesn't make me feel less of a person rather safe in a loving relationship.

I will say, though, that I do try very hard to "drop my protective shields" (I don't always succeed. ahem.). I am single (currently), and I have found that when I trust myself , knowing that what I want is what is best for me, I can explore my dark side in a safe and loving way while still being a soft, loving, pleasing person. It has done wonders for my work, my life, my friendships, all the relationships that are most important to me. I've been able to stop expecting love from people who don't want or can't give it which has freed up a huge part of my heart to give love to people who do want it.

I'm certainly in flux at this stage of my life, but I like the way I'm living it (generally speaking).

It's so good to see you here, and I'm glad you're feeling well enough to join this lil online crew.

best wishes,
sunshine

Thank you... it will probably take me while to get back up to speed but I'll work my way into things...

The thing for me is that I have an amazing sense of self preservation and will throw the walls up if I feel the intent behind the act is less than desirable for me. It never ceases to amaze me that the same act can feel completely different with different people. The simple vanilla act of having a game of pool with a man. With the right guy I take his tips and pointers gratefully and am appreciative and soften towards him... another man will just bring out a feeling of annoyance. I have always provided a good lifestyle for myself and continue to learn and grow as a person... I'm not going to turn that over to someone who will stunt that in me... or to a man who has no grasp on his own life or isn't successful... but I know that I'm a much happier woman being around a man who is able to bring out the softness and vulnerability in me... it all comes down to trust and respect.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 104

RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 10:25:21 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
TPE is a concept that is rather difficult to grasp for many.. Lots of folks say they want it, but few consider the ramifications of the word 'total'. It would seem to me that it is the dominant's responsibility to make sure the submissive understands what 'total' is going to do to their life.
Unfortunately, some people do not know what they want, or lie. If it is the former, then it is important to discover what they are capable of before jumping in with both feet. The latter is a little tougher to weed out, but not impossible.
You seem to assume when asking questions would clarify whether this person would be the type of submissive you desire.
For example, you say “I want a TPE M/s relationship. You say you like gangbangs. If I wake up one morning and decide from now on we will be monogamous, would you say “Yes, Sir!' or would you screech “You want me to do WHAT????”
Pretty simple, no?

Exactly
You get it.... Thank you!

A LOT of people 'get it'. Unfortunately, less so, when you type 'it'.

I have found, the less words, the less complicated the typing, the less confusion.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 105

RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 6:55:42 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ishtarr

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

My words pale in comparison to my voice

I can attest to that. *fans herself*

So how is my "protector" doing? For those who don't get the joke, Ishtarr is my "protector" on that other kink site.

(in reply to Ishtarr)

Post #: 106

RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 7:12:05 PM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

quote:

It's one thing for me to express, I want Full Control or TPE. It's another thing for somebody to grasp the full concept, that it's not about keeping the locked up behind closed doors and chained to a bed 24/7.

My expectations at times seem rather extreme, but they ain't really. So I'm rather much at a loss at times. I keep thinking perhaps I am chasing down that Platium Unicorn, in the face of so many fixations that abound.

You know, don't you, that these are the online fixations of people without a lot of experience. They don't strike me as real, they strike me as the things people masturbate to when they have never experienced them. I imagine all you'd have to do is lock a cage enthusiast in one for two or three weeks, combine that with the normal privations one would probably impose on a person in such a situation and they'd be cured of their 24/7 bondage fantasies and perhaps ready to give you more of what you want. And maybe you'd have a fun couple of weeks?

The cage-them-up-forever sorts are on the dominant side as well, as you probably know. The unrealistic fantasies on both sides are a bit boggling at times. When reading profiles it's clear that most people claiming they want total control or to be totally controlled just don't "get it."

Unicorns, of whatever orientation, are out there, but in my experience they are very elusive creatures as they glide through these electronic forests. Now you see them; now you don't. When I see one, it's because I've clearly been looking and it's decided to reveal itself to me. So I stop blinking. I keep my gaze steadily on it, assume a posture of harmlessness and humility (because I'm submissive) and move very slowly and carefully closer. And I never, ever leapfrog over one.

(sorry, couldn't resist!)

_____________________________

"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 107

RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 7:22:40 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

One of the things people forget about long distance and fantasy is we often play with more and and more extreme things to make us feel connected. However, in person, a glance, a sigh, can often express more than the nastiest hottest begging on the phone.

(in reply to aromanholiday)

Post #: 108

RE: Full Control - 6/11/2011 9:05:47 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

However, in person, a glance, a sigh, can often express more than the nastiest hottest begging on the phone.

Dear Michael,
I say this with total respect and affection.
You fucking sadist.
Love,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 109

RE: Full Control - 6/12/2011 9:53:49 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

However, in person, a glance, a sigh, can often express more than the nastiest hottest begging on the phone.

Dear Michael,
I say this with total respect and affection.
You fucking sadist.
Love,
sunshine

Me? I am the sweetest, fluffiest, most push over dominant ever...

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 110

RE: Full Control - 6/12/2011 10:12:09 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Me? I am the sweetest, fluffiest, most push over dominant ever...

Sorry but no. I've already claimed the "Disney-Dom" title. You have to be the perverted sadist.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 111

RE: Full Control - 6/12/2011 10:18:46 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Me? I am the sweetest, fluffiest, most push over dominant ever...

Sorry but no. I've already claimed the "Disney-Dom" title. You have to be the perverted sadist.

Well, since I helped turn you into a depraved pervert, I guess I can accept that! That is going to be my new tagline, thanks Jeff!

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 6/12/2011 10:19:12 AM >

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 112

RE: Full Control - 6/12/2011 10:23:07 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Well, since I helped turn you into a depraved pervert, I guess I can accept that! That is going to be my new tagline, thanks Jeff!

Sadly, you might've been able to claim this all the way up to a few days ago. But after agirl's post on that other thread, I am fully ready to say that Carol and I don't engage in "kink", we "explore". I don't flog and cane her nipples. We explore various sensations. I don't tie her up in rope bondage. We are exploring alternative fashion statements.

God I'm SOOOOO gonna hang onto that one LOL. agirl is my hero of the month.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 113

RE: Full Control - 6/12/2011 2:22:51 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

It's been over 10 years since I was in a relationship with someone, so all I have to go on is my past relationship.

For the most part, I agree with what Kana said here

quote:

Fuck what they want. I'm the Dominant. They do what I want, or their ass is gone. Now hopefully that somewhat coincides with what she wants, in which case, happy synergies can occur and maybe, just maybe, even a relationship or a series of prolonged interactions follow.

in that, despite what I wanted and needed from a relationship, my late husband's view was quite simple.

Fuck you. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. You either accept it or get the fuck out.

And yes. He actually told me that on a couple occassions.

So, I can understand and agree with what you are saying. But that's only because my own relationship followed that same premise.

I know that there are others out there who are quite happy to indulge the wants that their partner(s) have. For them, it's not about 'bowing' down to the submissive partner...it's about being fulfilled by indulging the other.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 114

RE: Full Control - 6/12/2011 8:31:25 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

I know that there are others out there who are quite happy to indulge the wants that their partner(s) have. For them, it's not about 'bowing' down to the submissive partner...it's about being fulfilled by indulging the other.

Precisely so.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 115

RE: Full Control - 6/12/2011 8:48:34 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

One of the things people forget about long distance and fantasy is we often play with more and and more extreme things to make us feel connected. However, in person, a glance, a sigh, can often express more than the nastiest hottest begging on the phone.

*melt*

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 116

RE: Full Control - 6/12/2011 9:25:45 PM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

One of the things people forget about long distance and fantasy is we often play with more and and more extreme things to make us feel connected. However, in person, a glance, a sigh, can often express more than the nastiest hottest begging on the phone.

True, in most cases. Once in a long while you run across someone who isn't using extreme ideas for feeling connected but rather as a natural expression of who they are and the actual level of oppression (not sure if that is the right word for it, but it's close enough) they need, much like others might use the fetish lists.

I'm in full agreement with you about broadband experience (aka face-to-face) in the great majority of cases completely trumping phone or chat or email. It's a rare occurence, but occasionally a communication through one of these more impoverished channels will drop you, gasping, to the floor with its eloquence. And yet, despite the beauty of the words or voice and their significance to you, you don't actually experience the person saying them, you only experience your image of them, which still lacks something, lacks information that only an in-the-flesh contact provides.

_____________________________

"Isn't it odd how we misunderstand the hidden unity of kindness and cruelty?"

My profile is not turned off. It is broken and I am too lazy to make a new one.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 117

RE: Full Control - 6/13/2011 7:20:59 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

as a late comer to the thread, but who read through all the pages, i'm probably just rehashing, but i feel like gabbing so, there you go.
initially, the OP made some sense to me; that sometimes someone's preconception about what "should" happen can become very limiting. however, it also sounds more like a compatibility issue. maybe for some of these people, those particular fetishes are what they've found, after years of trial and error, that gets them the feeling they want? if they want to feel controlled, but feel that in no other way than as a bit of livestock, what's wrong with that? honestly, if they just like the fetish of it, what's wrong with that?
not everyone here is after strict control and power exchange, some people are here simply for their various fetishes -- fetlife has a whole bunch of great designators people can pick, and a lot of people pick "kinkster," because they simply aren't there for Dom or sub anything; they just want to experience kinks and have a good time.

i agree with the person who said that D/s is a kink, at least it is for me. =p so i look at the people who are trying to find D/s based relationships (like myself) as being here for a kink, too. just a different one than someone else. this "my motivations are inherently better/more sound than your motivations" conversation has been had here countless times. people gripe about others they think are just here for sex -- well maybe some are, but is their motivation really less valid than yours, just because you've put D/s relationships on a pedestal an they haven't?

and there are profiles of Dominants who DO seek to cage their slaves and allow them only small bits of "outside time" -- one such profile pops up almost constantly when i sign in. there are people who don't think of that as work at all, that's what they, as Dominants, WANT. so a slave that felt totally owned when chained up in the house would be perfect for someone like that.

of course whether or not the fantasy survives actual implementation, who knows. but it isn't as if it's a problem for "so-called submissives" only; there are plenty of Dominants who believe that they want a slave chained up in the house and that is what they are after, solely. honestly, because men are more prone to "real" fetishism, women often do run into these guys who are more concerned with an action or a fantasy than the person. so we do have that experience and, while it's irritating for some of us, there are others who prefer that kind of distance. so, for me, if i run into a man who is out only for a fetish, whether that's anal fetish, or brown-girl-fetish, or heck, even bellydancer fetish, then i tend to look the other way. it's not a question of "omgz that person isn't real at all!" it's more of a "that person isn't right for me" statement.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to aromanholiday)

Post #: 118

RE: Full Control - 6/13/2011 9:04:34 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

i agree with the person who said that D/s is a kink, at least it is for me. =p so i look at the people who are trying to find D/s based relationships (like myself) as being here for a kink, too. just a different one than someone else. this "my motivations are inherently better/more sound than your motivations" conversation has been had here countless times. people gripe about others they think are just here for sex -- well maybe some are, but is their motivation really less valid than yours, just because you've put D/s relationships on a pedestal an they haven't?

I hope I never come off like that. There used to be an entire subset of people who posted here that that M/s was the end all be all of relationships, even posting things about how it requires "more trust" than other sorts of relationships, etc. Which is just laughable to me. What I mean by it being a relational style (for me) is that I am not engaging in it for a sexual turn on, but that it is how I relate to my partner... nothing more, nothing less.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 119

RE: Full Control - 6/13/2011 9:28:12 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

oh no i totally get what you're saying; that's what it is for me, too. that's how i'm most comfortable relating to romantic partners. but i also think of it as a kink, too. the fact that i seek out and thrive under control seems "non-normative" to me, so i just assign it as being "kinky." =p

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 120

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