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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 10:06:41 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I might point out an additional factor - the community serves as a screening mechanism. There are people, both male and female, who will not dare show their face in the local community because they have burned others badly. Asking to meet people at an event screens 'em out.

I disagree.

This is how it should work and how it hopefully does work in most places. Unfortunately, this is not how it works in my community. In fact, it's the opposite. My area is horrible about listening to/trusting the person with the best (read: most dramatic) story, without bothering to get any facts, and then attempting to exclude the people they think are "guilty" based on this story. I know this from personal experience. It's one of the many reasons I'm not active in my local BDSM community and why I neither ask for nor trust "references".

I can't imagine that my area is the one and only place this sort of thing happens. So, while I encourage people to get out in the local community to meet people, socialize, and attend demos, I would never suggest the local community is a good screening mechanism. It's too variable and dependent on the social climate of each city.

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Post #: 21

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 10:08:10 AM

LillyBoPeep

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i have to agree with Sylvere -- that's NOT how it works around here at all. a lot of really terrible people skate around because they got popular enough and insulated themselves. i haven't participated in a lot of events lately because the hypocrisy just drives me bonkers, and i have more to do with my $15 and gas money than spend it where i won't be comfortable.

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Post #: 22

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 10:16:31 AM

leadership527

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I totally agree with your analysis LP. Not only that, but there are a gajillion other VERY, VERY good reasons to get out into the real world.... starting right out with how real it is. I am again and again struck by the vast differences between collarme and any of the three "communities" that I have participated in. Sometimes I think I might as well be reading Gor books here for all the accuracy I see.

But I do think there's an entirely different take on it. I don't have this so much as a rebuttal but just an entirely different viewpoint. "Numbers games" when it comes to dating are weak at best. Consider that, in theory, you women have the pussy's and can get a man whenever you want. How, exactly, does that explain then all the females that are searching? I also know well-to-do, reasonably good looking, good and caring men who are single and looking. They've got the house, sports car, looks, demeanor, etc. to score reasonably high on the mating scale yet they also are still looking?

I think the answer there is that perhaps the M/F ration in my fishing pond is 1:1, 1:2, 2:2, 5;1, whatever. The problem is out of all the fish in the pond, less than 1:10,000 are a partner for me... generously. Of all the females on collarme that I have ever read who self-identified as "slave".... counting profiles and discussion posters alike, I'm not sure I've seen 5 that were even a "potential" (and I'm hypothesizing Carol dead, so this isn't a unicorn search).

I guess what I'm saying is that the numbers games of 1:1, or 1:10 just kind of pale in comparison to the much larger problem of "compatibility" where I think the odds go to something like 1:10,000 or 1:100,000.

_____________________________

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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Post #: 23

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 10:20:12 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I went to a real life munch when I was in Long Beach. The male dominants were all taken, and everyone else was a switch or a sub. None of them, even the taken male doms, were anyone I would have had anything in common with other than kink.

My quandary is that I rarely meet men in the real world I find appealing on an intellectual level, and when you throw in the kink and physical aspects, it becomes even harder.

Personally, I decided to prioritize... Intellect and ethics is my number one "must have", followed by physical attractiveness... it would be nice to find a dominant man that had the rest of it going on, but it isn't a deal breaker for me. I am getting to the point in my life I would like my next relationship to be my last. I am looking for someone to grow old with, and dating and having fun until that happens

What she said. It is exactly the same for me. I never had an interest in any "community" of kink. It is strictly personal between me and a man I am involved with. When I divorced, I decided to try the public scene and joined TES and some other things. I found the public scene to be lacking in everything that appeals to me on an intellectual and emotional level. Every public event or organization possessed the same level of "politics" that is just annoying to me.

I went to some munches in my area and there was a preponderance of female Dommes and male subs. There were literally no male Doms in attendance that were not married and seeking a third. Plus it seemed to me that the women at these functions were not too friendly to any of the single women in attendance and were angry when their men spoke to my girlfriend and I. We were really friendly and only the men talked to us.

I am very selective about who I want to be with. I am feeling like julia said, I am prioritizing on the intellectual/emotional offerings rather than a Dom per se; if someone clicks with me we can work out our kink. My priority is finding a partner in life.

I have met all of my significant relationships in real life vanilla settings, and lucky for me, the men were kinky and Dominant.

Online to me is just a bit of a time saver, but nothing I would ever rely on as my only venue of meeting people.

Edited to add: I don't believe in the 'numbers" analysis. I believe in compatibility. I get hundreds of emails and I meet alot of people in real life, but compatibility is the more elusive aspect of this, not numbers. I call it qualitative vs. quantitative analysis.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 6/11/2011 10:22:37 AM >

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Post #: 24

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 10:37:53 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

I went to some munches in my area and there was a preponderance of female Dommes and male subs. There were literally no male Doms in attendance that were not married and seeking a third. Plus it seemed to me that the women at these functions were not too friendly to any of the single women in attendance and were angry when their men spoke to my girlfriend and I. We were really friendly and only the men talked to us.

I can honestly say I had a better experience than that. I was sat down between a male switch masochist and a dom old enough to be my grandfather, and across from me were a lovely couple, master/slave, and she wore a padlocked collar. They had massive experience in the scene, in their 50s, married for 25 years. They were really friendly to me and could talk about a wide variety of topics... and they did not make me feel as though they were looking to add me to their personal playtime.

Even though I had a somewhat positive experience, added people to my fetlife account, etc, I could tell that it was not for me for other reasons I am shy about my kink life in person. I did not like sitting at a table in a public restaurant talking about kink. I felt very uncomfortable for those reasons. I also did not see returns in it for me on the level of finding someone to click with. I asked about people who I may have missed, single doms, etc.... and I found out there were none in my demographic in that group.

Now, Southern California is a huge populated region, and I considered going to other munches, but I am not comfortable in that atmosphere. I have a shy streak about kink.... and I had talked to people on fetlife in the community, realized that the demographics of munches tended to mirror the one I went to.

I am not into public play, although if I was with a dom who desired it, of course I would do it, but I am not interested in going to play parties as a single sub, or dungeons for that matter, and there seemed to be some pressure for me to go to the local dungeon when I went to the munch. I did feel a little bit like fresh meat, if I was going to be completely honest. I am not a casual player.

So for those of us uninterested in casual play, or publicly discussing kink, the internet option seems more appropriate.

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Post #: 25

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 10:52:38 AM

Aileen1968

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From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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I found him online. Or he found me is more accurate.
We have no desire to attend munches for the social aspect.
I hate to say it, but we've found the majority of people that do attend munches on a regular basis are really socially inept. This might be a Jersey thing.
We've been to enough of them to make this judgement.
It would have been impossible to have met any potential partner at a munch.
We've been to public dungeons. I have the same opinion of them.
"Lifestyle" themed events would be the last place I would ever look for a mate.

< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 6/11/2011 10:53:10 AM >

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 10:55:51 AM

SinFix

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I think there are issues on both sides.... and no one true way that is best.

The numbers are skewed no matter how you play it, either by meeting at local places or by online. and neither offer a guarantee that you will meet someone you are compatible with. I think it is just personal preferences and that everyone needs to understand that you do have options other than what you are doing if you aren't happy with the results you are getting.

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Post #: 27

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 10:57:52 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Joined: 12/29/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
The male dominants were all taken, and everyone else was a switch or a sub. None of them, even the taken male doms, were anyone I would have had anything in common with other than kink.

My quandary is that I rarely meet men in the real world I find appealing on an intellectual level, and when you throw in the kink and physical aspects, it becomes even harder.

i have to say this is often a problem for me, too. i've met most of the people who participate in the local community (i actually do enjoy the kink community and having kinky friends, etc etc) and there's just no one i really mesh with or that i have anything in common with besides a smattering of bedroom activities. and i think part of the problem is that, either in person or online, a lot of people into kink figure that the kink alone will power the relationship along, and it just won't.
personally, i found my previous relationship on a vanilla site, completely randomly. =p i have had about the same lack of luck looking around in the real-life community as i've had online. finding someone with whom you share a solid intellectual or emotional connection is hard enough without adding kink to it. =p
so for the time being, i'm mostly focusing on online.

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
I guess what I'm saying is that the numbers games of 1:1, or 1:10 just kind of pale in comparison to the much larger problem of "compatibility" where I think the odds go to something like 1:10,000 or 1:100,000.

that's an excellent point; simple numbers really don't matter all that much when none of those numbers are really compatible with you.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 10:59:12 AM

juliaoceania

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quote:

i found my previous relationship on a vanilla site, completely randomly. =p i have had about the same lack of luck looking around in the real-life community as i've had online. finding someone with whom you share a solid intellectual or emotional connection is hard enough without adding kink to it. =p

My first kinky long term relationship was by accident through a politics forum...lol

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 11:13:45 AM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

that's an excellent point; simple numbers really don't matter all that much when none of those numbers are really compatible with you.

I missed this because it wasn't addressed to me. I think if we were men we would see this differently... from the male perspective, the numbers are more in their favor in real life. From our perspective, they aren't.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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Post #: 30

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 11:20:37 AM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
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Interesting topic.

My experience has been as follows. Once I figured out that I desire a D/s relationship, someone I had known for a long time turned out to be a domly type dude, much to my surprise. I had always respected him, but I guess, not even knowing what it was, I did not connect the dots. So, my first relationship pretty much fell in to my lap, and it was wonderful and showed me that I can never go back to vanilla.

After that relationship ended, I got on-line and tried searching, mostly here on this site in fact. Frustration came quickly. Either they wanted to meet and fuck immediately, or they would chat a good while, then when time to meet rolled along, they went poof. I did meet a few from here, but, for one of us, the chemistry was just not there, and we wished each other well.

After reading so much on here about "you have to get out and meet folks in real life", I ventured out in to the munch scene around here. I was terrified, but I figured wtf, it is at a restaurant and I can just get up and leave, if the need arises.

I met many nice folks. Problem was, they were all "lifestyle" folks. After the munch, they would go to private play parties, and there was constant talk of what is happening at 1763 and other venues around town. Yay for them, that is their thing, and I have nothing against it, but it is not what I want.

I am not seeking someone in the "lifestyle". I have no desires to go to 1763 or play parties. I have always been private about my relationship, and this does not change by adding the D/s element in to it.

I gave up on meeting someone at a munch, and came back to online. I also have found ways of putting my sub side out to my "normal" friends, without offending, just in case they do know of someone they think I might click with.

At the end of the day, I have found contentment in just living and enjoying life. I would love to find someone to share that with, but I honestly have no clue what else to do to find them, so I just live my life.

I am turned off on munches, not because they harbor evil people, but because, in my experiences, they were people who I had nothing in common with.

But, life is good, and it is wonderful to be approaching 50 and realizing that I am content, and that if I am "alone" for the rest of my life, meh, no big deal really.

ETA, I do not feel like such a freak after reading the responses. I was so sure I would be the only person who felt this way.

WHEW!!!!

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 6/11/2011 11:26:35 AM >

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 11:20:43 AM

LillyBoPeep

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

that's an excellent point; simple numbers really don't matter all that much when none of those numbers are really compatible with you.

I missed this because it wasn't addressed to me. I think if we were men we would see this differently... from the male perspective, the numbers are more in their favor in real life. From our perspective, they aren't.

how so? do you mean like men who are interested in adding to their existing couples, vs. single women who don't want to be thirds? or just in general? care to elaborate?

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 11:36:45 AM

LadyPact

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I only have just a minute to catch up. I want to thank everyone who has participated so far from the different perspectives.

To Steven directly, I appreciate the comment on the 'research' but even I admit that it was the quickest kind possible. It was very on the surface type stuff. All basic numbers.

No, *none* of this is about the compatibility factor. People need more than just kink to go on. In terms of networking though, I think real time is more reasonable. Even if the person that you are looking for isn't at a munch, I can promise you that I don't even think of recommending folks that I don't know in the real world to other people who might be "looking'".

Those who are shy, not comfortable at munches, etc....... I do hear you. They aren't for everyone, but when it comes to males, the odds are just different.

JAS, special mention here. Just think. You weren't comfortable with "those people" who went to 1763. Isn't it funny that you would have missed meeting Me and we could have had a chance to say 'hi' in person?

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 11:37:12 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

how so? do you mean like men who are interested in adding to their existing couples, vs. single women who don't want to be thirds? or just in general? care to elaborate?

If we take LadyPact's numbers as the baseline that we are going to go from, and say that the femdom to malesub ratio is 2:1 and the maledom/femsub ratio is 1:1, it would make more sense for men to have more luck finding a partner in the meat world than in the virtual one. In other words, a single man might be able to hook up easier with the numbers more in his favor. But then we also have to look at the effort invested in hooking up, in the real world you have to clear your schedule, you have to take a shower and dress nice, you have to drive to the nearest munch, you have to spend a couple of hours talking to people you have no sexual interest in hoping you find someone that you do have interest in... and that is prior to meeting.

Here you can look when it suits you, you do not have to dress up, you can seek your targets easier, etc...

I do think LadyPact makes an excellent argument for male subs going to events though... the ratio for them on this site is sad.

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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Post #: 34

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 11:39:02 AM

LillyBoPeep

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ahhhh gotcha -- and i do agree actually, for males, particularly male subs, going to in-person events probably works out a heck of alot better.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 11:42:35 AM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

JAS, special mention here. Just think. You weren't comfortable with "those people" who went to 1763. Isn't it funny that you would have missed meeting Me and we could have had a chance to say 'hi' in person?

I so knew you would call me on that-lol. I would adore meeting you for coffee, cause I think you are an awesome person, but I have no desires to see you in action at 1763.

Like I said, most were awesome folks, but, me having no interest in the public aspects meant that, other than meeting for lunch and conversation, there was no point. It just made me uncomfortable, having to constantly be the one person out who was not going to so in so's house afterwards.

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 6/11/2011 11:43:50 AM >

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 11:45:57 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Our local community is anything but a screening tool! Users, criminals, just plain unethical and dangerous people are protected, and victim blaming is the order of the day. Edge players who are not "approved" of are reviled.

There has been effort to start seeking/singles events, and the mono/poly faction reared its head.

I am absolutely a fan of getting OUT of the house and meeting people, especially for those who are living the prono fantasy, or are having a hard time reconciling being kinky with having a life. Do I think the scene is a good place for meeting a playmate/companion? Here (metro Detroit) it's the same crapshoot as anywhere.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 1:18:47 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

Ijulia said:
f we take LadyPact's numbers as the baseline that we are going to go from, and say that the femdom to malesub ratio is 2:1 and the maledom/femsub ratio is 1:1, it would make more sense for men to have more luck finding a partner in the meat world than in the virtual one.

OK, don't get me wrong. I'm good at math and this isn't exactly a complicated equation. I'm just questioning whether the entire construct really applies. Or, more accurately, whether there is an alternate viewpoint that is, if nothing else, more productive and optimistic. I see "finding a suitable mate" a lot like I do "winning the lottery." My comment about that is:

I fully plan on winning the lottery and retiring wealthy to a villa in the south of France. My plan is to find the winning super-lotto ticket in the gutter thereby saving the $1 to buy it. I figure the odds are not significantly different.

In that same vein, let's assume I'm roughly right... possible partners for me are 1:100,000. So I go to a real life munch and there are 20 women there. My odds of "winning" are 1:5000. Is that really a whole lot better than 1:10,000 or 1:50,000? None of those are winning bets by any stretch of the imagination. I personally am not planning on going to 5000 munches by the end of my life. If I'm right, then i need to meet something like 100,000 women and I need to do so in a time frame that is suitable in terms of how long I wish to remain single. THEN I actually need to be attractive to that woman that I have met. I'm not a huge believer in the "they should love me for who I am" line of thinking so in my head there's this whole thing of "having found her, why would she want me?" that needs a credible answer. As "privileged" as my gender, age and other socio-economic attributes make me, it's still akin to winning the lottery.

Don't get me wrong. I have never really had a hard time finding a suitable partner. I've never been "on the market" for more than a few months. But I think that has more to do with attitude and strategy than it does any qualifications of mine or any number's game.

Finally, I'm not convinced that being kinky somehow changes the equation iota.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 38

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 3:28:26 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Finally, I'm not convinced that being kinky somehow changes the equation iota.

I would think that it would be easier to find a dominant female in real life as opposed to the internet for a few reasons:

Dominant women have 100s of emails a week filling their inbox

Many dominant women I have read on this board have a pretty high bar for submissive men (rightly I am thinking).

Many men, submissive or not, have a hard time in this medium approaching women.

By going to real life forums for the lifestyle, submissive men get to make a larger impression than an email would make

There are less submissive men at real life events than are on this site, which means that the opportunity to shine more brightly gives one an edge over the internet....

There is no fool proof way to do things, but if one is really serious, they are probably going to try more approaches. And I hate being sexist and everything, but online is probably more advantageous for women...

_____________________________

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Post #: 39

RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 3:50:47 PM

Arpig

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From: Increasingly further from reality
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~FR~
Why not get out into the community? Because the local one doesn't really want me. The events I did attend I was made to feel distinctly unwelcome. I don't do the stupid protocol shit. I had no "title" I was the only dominant there not claiming to be some sort of Lord or Master or Lady somesuch. I have a bad habit of introducing myself by saying "Hi, My name's Bob". They didn't much like that. And when they'd introduce themsleves as "Painmaster" or "Lord Lewiston", I had the most unfortunate habit of replying "Great, but what's your name?" They liked that even less.

I'm sorry, but the whole idea of a "scene name" is just stupid. Maybe there was a time, way back when this stuff was seriously illegal, when it might have been a worthwhile idea, but today it is just stupid posing. As far as I'm concerned, in a face to face encounter, if you won't give your real name...fuck off. You may enjoy playing childish ego-stroking name games, but I'm not playing. And around here, if you don't play that game, you're not wanted.

I do admit though, to seriously considering adopting a scene name of Norman Bates, and insisting people call me Master.

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