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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 3:54:39 PM   
Arpig


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quote:

And I hate being sexist and everything, but online is probably more advantageous for women...
That's not being sexist, it's being realist. When it comes to dating, meeting, relationship starting...whatever you want to call it, life is more advantageous for women.



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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 3:58:48 PM   
juliaoceania


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Status: offline 		They had titles even at munches?

I did not encounter that...

I know I was told by someone close to me that when he had went to certain munches they had different colored name tags depending on how one identified, and he picked the switch one, even though he isn't a switch, so no one would call him "sir" or "master'..

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 4:12:47 PM   
aromanholiday


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I never looked at real life venues for hookups and dates. I never felt a need for the community to be honest.



Same here. In a past life, I went into the community only when I had to. The people I am interested in, I've noticed dislike these events as much as I do. So we find each other online.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 4:14:30 PM   
Arpig


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quote:

They had titles even at munches?
They did. Maybe I just went to the wrong ones, but they clung to their titles like a shipwrecked man does a life preserver.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 4:15:47 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

They had titles even at munches?
They did. Maybe I just went to the wrong ones, but they clung to their titles like a shipwrecked man does a life preserver.



Maybe you should give another group an opportunity. I would have left the munch I went to early if people introduced themselves that way to me.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 4:23:21 PM   
coookie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

LadyPact, thanks for your work here.

I might point out an additional factor - the community serves as a screening mechanism.  There are people, both male and female, who will not dare show their face in the local community because they have burned others badly.  Asking to meet people at an event screens 'em out.



QFT There should so be a little "agree" button on posts.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 4:26:57 PM   
coookie


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ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I disagree. 
 
This is how it should work and how it hopefully does work in most places.  Unfortunately, this is not how it works in my community.  In fact, it's the opposite.  My area is horrible about listening to/trusting the person with the best (read: most dramatic) story, without bothering to get any facts, and then attempting to exclude the people they think are "guilty" based on this story.  I know this from personal experience.  It's one of the many reasons I'm not active in my local BDSM community and why I neither ask for nor trust "references".
 
I can't imagine that my area is the one and only place this sort of thing happens.  So, while I encourage people to get out in the local community to meet people, socialize, and attend demos, I would never suggest the local community is a good screening mechanism.  It's too variable and dependent on the social climate of each city.


You tend to quickly find out who you should stay away from though by their own action in the community. Usually it is the person that drama centers around all the time ... month after month ..partner after partner.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 4:32:49 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: coookie


quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I disagree. 
 
This is how it should work and how it hopefully does work in most places.  Unfortunately, this is not how it works in my community.  In fact, it's the opposite.  My area is horrible about listening to/trusting the person with the best (read: most dramatic) story, without bothering to get any facts, and then attempting to exclude the people they think are "guilty" based on this story.  I know this from personal experience.  It's one of the many reasons I'm not active in my local BDSM community and why I neither ask for nor trust "references".
 
I can't imagine that my area is the one and only place this sort of thing happens.  So, while I encourage people to get out in the local community to meet people, socialize, and attend demos, I would never suggest the local community is a good screening mechanism.  It's too variable and dependent on the social climate of each city.


You tend to quickly find out who you should stay away from though by their own action in the community. Usually it is the person that drama centers around all the time ... month after month ..partner after partner.



My experiences with groups in general is that they can be insular, and people get believed not because they tell the truth, but because others want to believe them. I would not assume that a group could be a screening mechanism for me. I am pretty good at screening people in my own way, like I want to know someone's friends and family before I involve myself too deeply.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 5:21:44 PM   
HannahLynHeather


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i avoid the "community" because in my experience it is full of overly judgemental narrow minded, self important fuckwads. i haven't bothered here, but in vancouver it was that way, and that's supposed to be a town with a "great scene". not true, not by a long fucking shot.

remember good old chance-of-a-lifetime reptar/reptoid or whatever the fuck his name was? well he's a "respected member" of the vancouver scene. that should give you pause for thought. they are very unwelcoming if you don't fit their preset molds. they have it set in their narrow fucking little minds what is and what isn't acceptable. and a pro masochist wasn't one of those things.

in saskatoon it was lesbians they didn't like. as a rule none of them much like switches, they see a switch the same way analytical does: you haven't figured it out yet. fuck that shit.

you won't find me anywhere near a munch. i'd rather get swine flu.

hannah lynn

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 5:42:26 PM   
Awareness


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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
My experiences with groups in general is that they can be insular, and people get believed not because they tell the truth, but because others want to believe them. I would not assume that a group could be a screening mechanism for me. I am pretty good at screening people in my own way, like I want to know someone's friends and family before I involve myself too deeply.
  Agreed.  Most groups establish a social hierarchy and politics becomes the order of the day.  The only ones who really need help in screening out undesirables are frenzied subs who've switched off their natural intuition and unaware Doms who haven't learned to read people yet.  Both need timeout and reflection rather than a group of people who are ostensibly holding their hand.


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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 6:24:40 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


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quote:

ORIGINAL: coookie
You tend to quickly find out who you should stay away from though by their own action in the community. Usually it is the person that drama centers around all the time ... month after month ..partner after partner.


This is true.  However, when those people are the ones who are or have been on the operations board of every group in town, it's hardly worth the effort of venturing out into the community.  There's a lot of overlap in group membership here.  This town is a very incestuous little place when it comes to the BDSM community.  
 
There are several other reasons I don't participate in my local community, rampant misogyny to reverse agism (if you're under 40, you're not worth anyone's time and, if you're under 21, you're actively banned) among them.  However, those are local issues that aren't necessarily found in other places.  Yet, the drama and politicking seem to be fairly common and those are the reasons I don't think the local "community" is a good screening tool. 

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 7:05:16 PM   
coookie


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Status: offline 		That is a shame to hear. I have heard negative things. I am not going to sit and say that there are no negative things in the community in Alberta either because there is. Yep even some of the leaders imo I wouldn't ask them to watch my car while i ran in to the store. I do find that it makes it very easy to observe people though. Much easier than not having a community.


ETA- Oh btw perhaps there is a next generation group in your area. I hear they are quite popular with the younger crowd. It is quite a common complaint sadly

< Message edited by coookie -- 6/11/2011 7:07:22 PM >

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 7:19:50 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


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Status: offline 		There are two TNG groups in the area.  I helped a buddy get one off the ground.  Unfortunately, the local dungeon doesn't allow anyone under 21, so play parties end up being private affairs.  However, I'm too old to be a member of a TNG group and the drama llamas invaded them both already.  I've really had much better luck online than in the local community.  I'm more likely to import someone I meet online than I am to find someone compatible locally. 

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 7:25:33 PM   
coookie


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Status: offline 		Fair enough. I am the first to say that the community is definitely isn't for everyone. And not all communities are created equally that is for certain.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 7:27:17 PM   
LadyHibiscus


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Status: offline 		Honestly, Syl, you'd think we lived in the same town!

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 7:38:35 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


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Status: offline 		I often wonder if it's a Midwest thing.  I've heard good things about other parts of the country, but I have yet to hear anything good about the Midwest, let alone see it for myself.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 7:47:52 PM   
LadyHibiscus


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Status: offline 		Seattle & Vancouver are utterly jacked up. It interest me that we hear so little about the NYC scene.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 7:57:51 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


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From: Hell
Status: offline 		Are they?  I know a couple of people in Seattle but I haven't heard that.  I'm not sure how active they are in the local community though.  My NYC contacts are more involved in the Goth/vampire subcultures, which take a lot of inspiration from the Leather scene.  If the BDSM scene is even half as bad as the Goth/vamp scene, it's pretty jacked.

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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 7:59:56 PM   
LadyHibiscus


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Status: offline 		I went to a TES party when I was in NYC, and I have to say I was unimpressed.




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RE: Why get out to the community? - 6/11/2011 8:27:48 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Sorry for not joining in the conversation, folks.  I was at a munch.

JAS, you should have known I'd get you on that one.  No worries.  I'll take a rain check for that coffee and make good on it one of the times that I come out to see the Grands. 

Arpig, I actually do introduce Myself at munches as Lady Pact.  It can be sketchy giving your real name when you're first meeting a whole group.  Plus, it's easier to check My references with for demos done and so forth.  As you know, My first name is actually pretty common and I don't care for using the last name due to other complications.  At a large event, there might be several women with the same real name as Me, but you won't find another Pact.

Syl, the TNG issue is a complicated one.  When the insurance rates change for a public club due to age or you're looking to hold a three day event at a venue large enough that doesn't have a wet bar, it can be challenging.  I don't particularly have good answers on the issue.


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