RE: No such thing as "no"

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: No such thing as "no"

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: No such thing as "no"

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: No such thing as "no" - 6/28/2011 7:44:15 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

Gesh Kana.... chill... I was being a smart ass when I asked! I was suprised to see someone say they avoided saying it no matter what.

Sometimes no is an appropriate response.

It wasn't aimed at just you Tazz-you just happened to ask the question that flicked the switch. I've been mulling this thread( and the previous 10 million that run along similar lines) around for a day or so and found some of the suggestions absurd and non reality based.

quote:

Kana and Jeff...
But you have to figure while you are both very attractive sane members of this world.

Yeah, but you know, I always figure that's why she picked me-because I was sane (Note that I make zero claims to being attractive. I try real hard not to lie on the forums :-))

And sure, I know there are chicks(and male subs-let's not forget them) out there who get into bad deals and I hate to sound like a heartless ass but that's on them. We are, theoretically at least, all adults here which means we are all responsible for our own decision making. Get into an unsafe situation with a bad leader, it's on her to do what's right for herself and walk. Now I know that's easier said than done, but heck, people do it all the time, in nilla and kink. In the end, an abusive relationship is an abusive relationship, no matter how one tries to wrap it up and present it and ya know what, you can't play tennis alone. It takes two to tango.
And I don't know about anyone else here, but some of the hardest, best and most important life lessons I've learned have come at great cost.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Profile

Post #: 61

RE: No such thing as "no" - 6/28/2011 7:48:11 AM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Someone I really respect over at Fet before he bailed once said to me.

"He promised to always obey and I promised to never make him say no"

The Dom I had was not someone like that, and it was too much for me too fast. I also felt that he did not value all the effort I put in to pleasing him. That is why I have backed off on ever being a 24/7 slave again.

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 62

RE: No such thing as "no" - 6/28/2011 8:15:46 AM

Syrox

Posts: 260
Joined: 5/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

Kana and Jeff...
But you have to figure while you are both very attractive sane members of this world.

There are men who remove no and make it a huge deal.
There are masters who would rather destroy their property then take care of it
I know ive seen MORE then my fair share of threads and even met relationships in real life where the Dominant partner doesnt take care, or even consider the S type in the relationship, they ignore their needs, they are down right abusive. I would bet that the reason your submissives stay in your dynamics, is because you arent abusing them. You arent breaking them and you are being the Men you portray yourself as here...

I followed my first owner to the ends of the earth and back, and have the scars to prove it. He didnt care about his belonging and it took a lot for me to leave that relationship. Im not stupid or nonsensical or anything other then someone that was deeply devoted and deeply in love with a man who preferred to abuse his partners.

I know your response was aimed at Kana and Jeff, but I wanted to throw my two cents in on this.

I'm of the opinion that removing "no" in the early stages of a relationship is a red flag. As other people mentioned, it takes years to get to the point with a person where "no" isn't allowed. However, until that point is reached, allowing "no" is a powerful tool in the dominants bag of tricks. Nothing clearly communicates a boundary like directly refusing a command with the word "no".

If your goal is to learn and understand a stranger's boundaries and not simply looking for some kind of toy to get off on, then the word "no" is too important to make off limits.

Having read that, would you accept the removal of the word "no" if it were replaced by an explanation, i.e. "I would rather not do that because..." therefore training in early that explanation is a good thing and is encouraged?

_____________________________

unless otherwise noted this has been a fast reply. brought to you by the letter M and the number 7.

(in reply to DecadentDesire)

Profile

Post #: 63

RE: No such thing as "no" - 6/28/2011 8:22:12 AM

DecadentDesire

Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Syrox

Having read that, would you accept the removal of the word "no" if it were replaced by an explanation, i.e. "I would rather not do that because..." therefore training in early that explanation is a good thing and is encouraged?

Sure. There is different ways to approach the situation and to be honest, I think the difference is somewhat semantical. Regardless of what tact or style the dominant applies, we are still dealing with the same issue of discovery of boundaries.

Based on past mistakes, I've just developed an approach that allows for direct refusal, because by gauging the degree of severity of the refusal, I can tell how strong the boundary is.

_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to Syrox)

Profile

Post #: 64

RE: No such thing as "no" - 6/28/2011 9:23:31 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
Oh come on now. You know that we're not talking about stuff like that.

But if he does tell me to do something that I have no physical reason not to, I better be doing it.

Actually, I thought the op was being literal. There are people who are never allowed to say no, even in response to 'do you want pizza". Personally I think dominants who do that are just stupid but they exist.

I'm curious if no physical reason not to includes no emotional or mental reason not to. I don't know if you have any triggers or traumas that occasionally flare up, but I do.

Additionally he wants me aroused during play, that's a constant. He doesn't want me gritting my teeth to get through it for him. So if for whatever reason that's not going to happen, he'd rather know about it beforehand.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Profile

Post #: 65

RE: No such thing as "no" - 6/28/2011 8:17:09 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire
Based on past mistakes, I've just developed an approach that allows for direct refusal, because by gauging the degree of severity of the refusal, I can tell how strong the boundary is.

*chuckles* how terribly pragmatic of you. You'll never get approved for your mastercard that way.

We have a similar system. Carol, of course, cannot refuse a command. But I actively encourage her to give me open and honest feedback whenever she feels like it. So while she cannot refuse a command she can directly and clearly tell me that she'd like to and how much she'd like to.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DecadentDesire)

Profile

Post #: 66

RE: No such thing as "no" - 6/28/2011 8:30:02 PM

DecadentDesire

Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
You'll never get approved for your mastercard that way.

Hey, don't say that. I may have been denied on the first four applications I sent in, but the fifth one is gonna be the winner.

_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 67

RE: No such thing as "no" - 6/29/2011 5:20:44 AM

phoenixmoonn13

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

i am not allowed to say no but its not so simple and i do say no it jsut depends on what i am saying no to and when. there are times if i want to say no i ahve to phrase it well in a snetence using other words. if he did or sugested somthing i wsnt comfy with and i frooze or got nerrvous eh would know straight away there was an issue nad would discuss it. so in answer ther eis no such thing as no but i can say it i jsutknow when to or not

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Profile

Post #: 68