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what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't think t... - 6/24/2011 12:44:53 PM   
Willingsub74


Posts: 1
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		Maybe i'm just too nice. But i like everyone else have specific things they look for. For me its not about race, age, or color. It's about control, the mental aspect is the biggest for me. So after talking to someone and realizing that they just aren't going to do it for you, what's the best way to handle that?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 12:51:52 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Directly, firmly, and without judgement.

The short story here is that when one person desires another and that is not reciprocated then someone is going to be disappointed. There's nothing you can do about that. There's no way to protect him. It's built into the situation. So the best you can do is to firmly "rip the bandaid off"

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Willingsub74)
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RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 12:56:00 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		OP - I know how you feel!

I used to put off meeting potential Doms because I used to worry about the bit afterwards if things just didn't feel right. What I decided was what Jeff suggested - unequivocal honesty.

I would say something like "I'm sorry, but I didn't feel any spark/chemistry/whatever term you like".

Some accepted that and have become friends. Others were upset and disappeared. Others became angry and said hurtful things. You need a thick skin at times!

Just don't let them try to guilt-trip you into reconsidering if you are sure it wouldn't work. It is allowable to repeat the 'no chemistry' line as many times as you want until it sinks in for them

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 1:08:10 PM   
DecadentDesire


Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Directly, firmly, and without judgement.

The short story here is that when one person desires another and that is not reciprocated then someone is going to be disappointed. There's nothing you can do about that. There's no way to protect him. It's built into the situation. So the best you can do is to firmly "rip the bandaid off"


What he said.

Try to focus on using "I" language, as well.

"I" language is the art of structuring potentially negative, critical or explosive statements so the focus is on you, and not on the other person.

Hence, saying "I don't think I would be the right submissive for you" instead of "You just aren't the right dominant for me". The latter can be taken as implying that there is some deficiency or problem with him where as the former does not.

It might seem like a difference in semantics, but it has a huge impact on how people receive and react to the message.


_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 1:22:26 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		Firmly.  Irrevocably.  Politely. 
The biggest mistake I have made in this situation is leaving some doubt in their mind as to my decision.  On the other hand, no point in being a jerk either. 


_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to DecadentDesire)
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RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 2:24:49 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		Just come out and freakin SAY it. If the incompatibility is there, the Dom MIGHT just be figuring out how to let you down easily. It happens, trust Me.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
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RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 2:37:11 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Directly, firmly, and without judgement.

The short story here is that when one person desires another and that is not reciprocated then someone is going to be disappointed. There's nothing you can do about that. There's no way to protect him. It's built into the situation. So the best you can do is to firmly "rip the bandaid off"


What he said.

Try to focus on using "I" language, as well.

"I" language is the art of structuring potentially negative, critical or explosive statements so the focus is on you, and not on the other person.

Hence, saying "I don't think I would be the right submissive for you" instead of "You just aren't the right dominant for me". The latter can be taken as implying that there is some deficiency or problem with him where as the former does not.

It might seem like a difference in semantics, but it has a huge impact on how people receive and react to the message.



This.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to DecadentDesire)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 2:40:55 PM   
Hisprettybaby


Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		~FR~
I would say honestly, clearly, without judgment, and in a way that leaves no doubt. Daddy and I are corresponding with a prospective sub and this is how we will do it if we just don't click. And who knows, we may remain friends.

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
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RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 3:12:42 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		thanks but we're not compatible. best of luck in your search.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Hisprettybaby)
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RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 4:40:12 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire


What he said.

Try to focus on using "I" language, as well.

"I" language is the art of structuring potentially negative, critical or explosive statements so the focus is on you, and not on the other person.Hence, saying "I don't think I would be the right submissive for you" instead of "You just aren't the right dominant for me". The latter can be taken as implying that there is some deficiency or problem with him where as the former does not.

It might seem like a difference in semantics, but it has a huge impact on how people receive and react to the message.



"I" language is quite right. Your example, though, is not a good one. Here's why: I don't think I would be the right submissive for you. The answer is: "You're wrong. I know what is right for me!"

An example, more in line with "I" language would be: This relationship isn't working for me. Or... I'm not comfortable continuing in this. Or... There's no chemistry for me .



_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to DecadentDesire)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 4:44:12 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		good point, Sunny..



_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 4:50:17 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

you don't think they are for you

Just tell them that in your own words.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
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(in reply to Willingsub74)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 5:10:35 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss


"I" language is quite right. Your example, though, is not a good one. Here's why: I don't think I would be the right submissive for you. The answer is: "You're wrong. I know what is right for me!"

An example, more in line with "I" language would be: This relationship isn't working for me. Or... I'm not comfortable continuing in this. Or... There's no chemistry for me .




I agree with Sunny that focusing on yourself  is the way to go, but to make it completely something based on yourself. I wasn't clear enough in one case and the gentleman wrote back to say that even though I thought we wouldn't be a match, he was thoroughly convinced we were- as I was exactly what he was looking for. I still shake my head over that because I guess to him a relationship is one-sided, but whatever.

It's better being told why you don't want to proceed than having someone disappear on you. I'm not implying that you'd do that but about all of us has had that happen and it sucks. No need to be rude but be firm and say that you don't find the chemistry is there.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 5:27:17 PM   
subdiscovery


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/26/2010
Status: offline 		Great advice, I'm very new to this so wasn't sure how to do it. I love the whole "I don't think I'm the right submissive for you" thanks for all the sughpgestions.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 5:33:21 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		No, No, No, No, it's not I don't *think* I am the right submissive. That leaves wiggle room. It's: I am not the right submissive for you. Move on.

Rinse and repeat as needed.




_____________________________



(in reply to subdiscovery)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 6:04:15 PM   
erieangel


Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline 		The best way to tell a person you're not interested?

"I don't think this is going to work."

"Sorry. I'm not interested."

Anything that is short, sweet and to the point without being overly rude.

Pretty much what everybody else had said.




(in reply to Willingsub74)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 6:29:10 PM   
DecadentDesire


Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss


quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire


What he said.

Try to focus on using "I" language, as well.

"I" language is the art of structuring potentially negative, critical or explosive statements so the focus is on you, and not on the other person.Hence, saying "I don't think I would be the right submissive for you" instead of "You just aren't the right dominant for me". The latter can be taken as implying that there is some deficiency or problem with him where as the former does not.

It might seem like a difference in semantics, but it has a huge impact on how people receive and react to the message.



"I" language is quite right. Your example, though, is not a good one. Here's why: I don't think I would be the right submissive for you. The answer is: "You're wrong. I know what is right for me!"

An example, more in line with "I" language would be: This relationship isn't working for me. Or... I'm not comfortable continuing in this. Or... There's no chemistry for me .




Thank you for pointing that out. I didn't have time to put much thought into the explanation and you are right. My example is counterproductive to being direct.

_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/24/2011 11:24:46 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

No, No, No, No, it's not I don't *think* I am the right submissive. That leaves wiggle room. It's: I am not the right submissive for you. Move on.

Rinse and repeat as needed.





Again... Wiggle room. The answer would be: "You are wrong because yes, you are the right one for me."

Do not ever use the word "YOU" in this stuff. It can ONLY backfire.

In the end, really all you are saying is this: I'm done. This is not a discussion; it's an announcement.

(I've actually said that. There is no possible wiggle room.)

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/25/2011 4:08:02 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		A caveat - "I" language, which works wonderfully for most of the population, does not work with narcissists, as part of their disorder is inability to recognize others as a discrete human being. The answer to any excuse would indeed be: "You are wrong because yes, you are the right one for me."
You have to stick firm to "I'm done. This is not a discussion; it's an announcement."

You don't have to worry about hurting a narcissist's feelings at this early stage as they will assume there is something wrong with you for not wanting them.

While people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder comprise only 1% of the general population, I tend to attract them, as I find them very seductive (before they become suffocating.)

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: what's the best way to let a Dom know you don't thi... - 6/25/2011 8:46:10 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		If all the great advice given here fails, I find that a "fuck off already dumbass" works, most of the time anyhow.

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to kalikshama)
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