PNWsub
Posts: 13
Joined: 2/26/2011
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Rape is often thought of as something that occurs when a crazed maniac jumps out of the bushes with a weapon and forcibly has sex with someone who isn't willing. But, it doesn't always, and I suspect, rarely happens that way.
This is a complex issue for me and more difficult to write about then I thought it would be. I was raped from a legal standpoint because of my age when it occurred, but I have to admit I was willing up to a point, yet at the same time very reluctant to participate. I wasn't forced, but was "highly encouraged" to give in and eventually I did.
Is it more difficult for a male to deal with being raped? I don't know, but for me I was more worried about being labeled a "queer" than having others find out that I was raped. And, I wondered to myself, was I really raped or did I want it? I was more concerned that others would find out what I was willing to do than what he had made me do.
While it was happening there were things that I enjoyed and other things not so much...to put it mildly. It was very difficult emotionally for me immediately after the first time and I swore I was going to tell my mother but never told anyone. Instead, I cried myself to sleep feeling like I was the lowest thing on earth. And yet I woke up in the middle of the night feeling highly eroticized and found myself fantasizing about what had happened that day, and masturbated thinking about it several times over the next few days. Less than a week later I went back to submit again, and made regular visits for nearly 2 years, even though I would sometimes still cry afterwards and often swore I would never go back. But there were also times when I found it enjoyable to please him and felt a certain contentment serving him. To say the least, it was very confusing to me. It is also confusing because throughout my life I have been attracted to females, but have a desire to be submissive only to men.
Later in life I found myself fantasizing about severe rape and torture scenes and yet I know it is something I would never want to happen in reality. I am too much of a wimp to willingly submit to the scenes I see described in some CM profiles. However, I find bondage and "light" discipline very erotic and am very turned on by masculine Dominant personalities. There is something about giving up control to another person that I think is a very common kind of "rape" fantasy for both men and women.
What I have yet to figure out is whether I am submissive because of what happened to me as a boy, or if what happened to me as a boy occurred because I was born submissive. I suspect it is the latter, and because I just happened to meet a man who was determined to take advantage of the true me. I think he saw the "sub" in me and he knew how to manipulate me to make me submit.
Although he was a despicable man, and I can't say I think of him fondly, he did fill a need I had... he gave me attention, something no other man in my life had ever done.
Anyway, I think I am starting to ramble, but thought I would post one male's perspective and another version of what rape might be.
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RE: Rape Fantasies - 
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