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Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 5:03:14 PM   
IntimateDarkness


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		Ok, I have a dilemma I've met someone on this site and we hit it off via phone right away and it's clear that we want the exact same thing in the future. She is studying up north but she is down here for the summer. The problem is she has pretty strict parents and she's never brought someone home to them I'm the first and she is 20 years old at this point. She has to let the parents know 1-2 days ahead of time if she's going out and she has curfews etc otherwise she's afraid all hell will break loose with the folks. She also can't see me more then a few times a week because that'll raise some red flags. So this has been shall we say FUCKED UP for me, for obvious reasons like no chance of having anything M/s which of course was the whole point!

We've talked about slapping and how she like's to be slapped if she gets out of line. I like to slap my submissive/slave and I've done so but only in the bedroom.

So here's the thing, I've gone ahead and talked to her about it. I've been proactive and invited them to go eat out this Wednesday. I don't know if they'll loosen up they are really decent people so its worth a shot. The thing is I talked to her about this last night, I ask her if she thinks this might help smooth out the control issues with her going out with me and she felt pressured when I told her it is inappropriate to be 20 years old and have to pussyfoot the first relationship her parents have seen her in and she pretty much blew up, raised her voice at me and told me that she felt attacked and wanted to change the subject. I told her I'm sorry I didn't want her to feel attacked and I really just wanted to spend more time with her.

She's never raised her voice and responded in an angry manner before to me, it's the first M/s relationship I've been in and I'm wondering if I should just sweep it under the rug or call her out on it when we are together in my house tomorrow. And if I call her out on it, I'm most likely going to slap her once or twice. I could genuinely use some advice because my main purpose is to maintain control and discipline not hurt her out of spite. I don't feel spiteful in any way at all. It is about what is best for our relationship and keeping things in check.

Also on a side note, I tried reaching her by phone a while back we where both a little stressed with some things that had nothing to do with us but she got somewhat distant and it made me a little angry at one point so I texted her some harsh messages and within about 20 minutes I got a call from her and it turns out she didn't have the phone with her which is why she didnt call me but when she got the messages she pretty much started balling, saying how she didn't deserve being treated this way etc. I told her "I freaked out, said some stupid things" and I've never freaked out in a relationship ever that was the first time. She admitted she had been a little distant because of some trivial things and she had a little resentment. But that almost lead to a break up. So now I just want to make sure if I do something that's hurtful like a slap, its not received in the same way.



< Message edited by IntimateDarkness -- 7/5/2011 5:19:45 PM >
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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 5:23:10 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Are the parents paying for school? If so , i can understand them being somewhat high-handed about distractions from that expensive process.

But..... she is 20, and (presumably) an adult. If she doesn't know that her parents are controlling there is something wrong with her, and you violated the second rule of dating- you criticised the family!

and for the last paragraph - you are basically a long distance relationship. In other words, you can't control her more than she wants to be controlled, and it sounds as if she doesn't really want to be controlled. You have related two instances of anger, and in both you are the one apologising. Not that masters can't apologise, but if this is typical of your relationship, you have an issue.

Either she is in control, or you have a rotten temper and say things that really shouldn't be said.

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 5:36:24 PM   
IntimateDarkness


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		She's quite aware that her parents are controlling and I've never criticized the parents I've always framed it in a way where it's clear that she can ask for a little more autonomy, being 20 years old. And sometimes parents find it a little hard to let go which is understandable.

And no the two apologies I've made are not typical those are the two that I've said, but the last one didn't feel right and I want to address that.



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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 5:36:32 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Dude, you're close to losing it.

She's stated the constraints she has and you're pissed off about them.  Either accept them or move on.  You're pushing her and she's let you know twice that you're pressing too hard.  Aside from apologies for the moment, I don't see you feeling any regret over your pressure.  It's not going to get any better.  I don't see you easing up, or her budging.

Edited to add: as far as slapping goes, I vote no.  There are a lot of delicate bones in the face, and you're talking about slapping someone in anger.  She may think she likes it, but at her experience level, she's likely unaware of the risks.

Why not just spank her and scold her if she gets out of line?


< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 7/5/2011 5:41:19 PM >

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 5:46:40 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I reread your original post and one thing that struck me (no pun intended) is that she was distant because trivial things upset her. I don't think you can have a relationship where she is upset about something and distances herself. You don't need to be slappig her - you need to be finding out why she couldn't tell you what was upsetting her, so the two of you could deal with it.

There seems to be a level of communication that isn't there - and needs to be. I think you need to forget about play, slapping or anything else, and the two of you need to sit down and talk, honestly and in detail. I'm not sure you are both on the same page.
How can you be expected to address issues when you don't know what they are - this instance isn't fair to you, since you don't claim to be a mind reader.

And if she is still under the control of her parents, how can she give you control?

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 5:54:01 PM   
IntimateDarkness


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		Hah I feel I am losing it. I do regret giving her pressure, and I decided I'm not going to bring up the subject on the parental constraints anymore it's not going to get any better but I can see it's just been my insecurities in the relationship. We'd talked about doing so many things together once she came down here for the summer and the limitation just got me frustrated without a way of resolving it, until recently. I'm just going to let it be. Sweep it under the rug so to speak.


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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 5:57:32 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		either accept her situation or move on.... as your not gonna change her parents control. simple shit

BadOne

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 6:02:28 PM   
DecadentDesire


Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline 		Some thoughts for whatever they are worth. This is gonna be long, but I think your worth taking the time to write it all out.

First, I strongly recommend not slapping her for a couple of reasons. Using physical force as a form of discipline is hard to pull off and skirts a very thin line with abuse. You seem to be new and more than a little uncomfortable exerting your authority over a woman. Nothing wrong with that. We've all been there at some point.

Corporeal punishment when used in a D/S relationship follows many of the same principles as spanking a child or smacking a dog with a rolled up newspaper. One of the most important principles is that it is most effective immediately after the infraction occurs. Waiting a day to hit a dog with a newspaper for pooping on the carpet has no effect. Similarly, coming back a day later and slapping your girl also has diminished effect, because whether or not you like it, you have already responded to the issue. You went on the defensive and apologized for your actions. You also responsed to the issue of her raising her voice with indifference. Now, to turn around and respond a day later with aggression will not only confuse her, but demonstrate inconsistency. Consistency is the most important part of maintaining structure and discipline.

The act of slapping also has to be done in a calm and controlled manner. It's not about proving your dominance to her. It's not about proving how tough you are. It's without a doubt not about revenge. It's not about hurting her. It's simply "You crossed way over the fucking line and now I am reminding you of where that line is". I'm only slapped a girl once and that was a situation where she was indisputably being nothing other a "fucking cunt". It's not something to be taken too lightly anymore than a loaded gun should be taken lightly. All it takes is one moment of slapping your girl with fury in your eyes for her to stop being afraid of your hand and start being afraid of you as a person.

For example, let me use a scenario from everyday life. I had to watch a family member's child who was prone to violent temper tantrums last weekend. He wanted ice cream at a time and his parents told me not to give him any. I said no. He started to get upset. I said no again in a much firmer tone. He grabbed my hand and spit on it. Immediately after doing that, my other hand gave him a light smack across the cheek, followed by taking him by the chin, looking directly in his eyes and firmly telling him he DOES NOT spit on adults. After that, he was sent to his room for timeout. Needless, to say he didn't ask me about ice cream again and the next day we were playing together like nothing happened.

The key to the above scenario was that the slap was done in a controlled and objective way. It was done in response to him spitting on my hand and focused on that and only that. If there any anger present, I would have skipped the slap and sent him directly to his room as timeout for both of us. As such, there was no reason to be afraid of me.

My approach to slapping my girl was the same concept as what I listed above, except instead of sending her to her room, she was sent to cuddle in my lap to help deal with the shock of me being physical with her in that context for the first time.

As a final note about the subject of corporeal punishment, it is not an universal discipline tool. The use of physical force spawns different reactions in different people. If used against the wrong person, it can backfire and trigger a hostile, sometimes even violent, response.

Second, the scenario you mentioned above isn't something I would consider grounds as a slap. She raised her voice as defensive reaction and that's understandable. I would probably use a firm tone to deal with the raised voice and then move to address the issue of why she feels defensive and why she should not.

Now regarding what to do next, well...I come from the school of thought that discipline doesn't taste better with age. I prefer to handle things immediately after the infraction occurs, because it presents the strongest front. The only time I will wait is if I am angry and need time to cool off.

The way I see it, you have already responded to the issue. Stick to that. Don't bring it up again. Wait until the next time she raises her voice and then response with something along of the lines of "You raised your voice once before at me and I let it slide. It won't happen a second time" (though please feel free to reform that quote into something a little less corny).

However, I'm sure other dominants will disagree and have different approaches. It is up to you to decide what works for the two of you. After all, you are the dominant and she is your girl, not mine.




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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 6:03:25 PM   
IntimateDarkness


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		I said trivial in the sense that they we're not related to us, but the things we were dealing with were not trivial at all. She was finishing exams, finishing papers, working etc and her great grand mother had died so she had to prepare to go up to for funeral. That was stressful and I had been managing a business, working a 2nd job and other family related issues. It just boiled over and we realized that.

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 6:10:03 PM   
DecadentDesire


Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IntimateDarkness

Hah I feel I am losing it. I do regret giving her pressure, and I decided I'm not going to bring up the subject on the parental constraints anymore it's not going to get any better but I can see it's just been my insecurities in the relationship. We'd talked about doing so many things together once she came down here for the summer and the limitation just got me frustrated without a way of resolving it, until recently. I'm just going to let it be. Sweep it under the rug so to speak.


After reading this, I upgrade my "strong recommendation" of not slapping her to an "absolute no". It will only end up backfiring and you will do more harm then good. Once you stop losing it, open and honest communication between two adults is what you need.




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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 6:17:16 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		Excellent post, DD. I would like to add to this:
quote:

As a final note about the subject of corporeal punishment, it is not an universal discipline tool. The use of physical force spawns different reactions in different people. If used against the wrong person, it can backfire and trigger a hostile, sometimes even violent, response.
from the sub perspective. Slapping is a hard limit for me, not due to the damage it can cause, but due to my violent reaction to being hit in the face. If slapped at a time when I am already upset, it is considerably worse. Just a few words of caution for the OP if he has never used a slap as discipline... which I do not think would be best in the current situation.



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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 6:20:32 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		It sounds like she has strict parents who are of the our house, our rules mindset.

It has not much to do with whether or not she wants to spend time with you.
She can't disobey them/disrespect them to please you.

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 6:21:02 PM   
IntimateDarkness


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		Thanks for that reply DecadentDesire it was really informative, and I definitely wanted to hear this, there's a lot of common sense in there.

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 6:27:02 PM   
DecadentDesire


Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IntimateDarkness

Thanks for that reply DecadentDesire it was really informative, and I definitely wanted to hear this, there's a lot of common sense in there.


I'm always happy to share my thoughts with dominants who seem to be genuinely good guys.


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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/5/2011 8:23:42 PM   
winspiritsbaby


Posts: 141
Status: offline 		I am told that it's ok for subs to participate in this forum, so I will give this a shot from a sub's point of view...

I am new to the D/s lifestyle, but Winspirit is not, however we are in a similar situation, except in our case, it is my two adult and one minor children that are the issue. All of my children are very protective of me and therefore it may cause problems if we aren't careful. I have mentioned to Win that it would be easier to ease them into the idea of our relationship rather than just throw it out there to them. I know my kids and how they will react, just as your sub knows her parents. I would be angry if Win had contacted my kids and set up a meeting with them without discussing it with me first. I do not know if I would have reacted the same as your sub or not, but each person has their own reaction to anger.

When Win and I had a discussion one time about punishment. I had half jokingly asked him who gets to punish him when he does something wrong. I was not expecting the answer I recieved. He said that if he did something wrong it was his responsibility to punish himself and he gave me an example of how he would do this. I bring this up because of your last paragraph. Yes, you are the Dom and she the sub, but after the discussion with Win I'm a firm believer that a Dom should lead by example, therefore if he wishes to punish his sub for an inappropriate anger outburst, he should also punish himself for the same behavior.

I'm getting the feeling that you two might need to spend more time on your communication, and discussing in which ways it is appropriate to show anger when it presents itself.
This next comment is not meant to offend, but I think you might need to spend a little more time controlling yourself before you worry about punishing your sub.

*Remember though, these are just my thoughts on the issue and I am new.






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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/6/2011 4:55:08 AM   
Plasticine


Posts: 260
Joined: 6/9/2010
Status: offline 		FR @ OP

I think you've been offered some good advice here.  I would concur that attempting to solve real life logistical stresses with corporal punishment is bound to backfire.  Life happens and its more important than D/s.  I can also attest that delivering a physical punishment anytime other than immediately (and calmly) is not going to make the intended point, and will hurt you more than it hurts them.

RE: Slapping.

Before you go slapping anyone you should probably familiarize yourself with basic staged approaches to slapping and aim and then talk to someone who has done it in a BDSM context.  And if you aren't going to do any of that please slap from the wrist and begin very close to the face.  I realize that you and she discussed slapping and you feel you have consent, but people have very wild reactions to facial trauma and I would not recommend doing this for the first time in anything other than an acknowledged playful time.

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/6/2011 5:11:22 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

quote:

ORIGINAL: IntimateDarkness

Thanks for that reply DecadentDesire it was really informative, and I definitely wanted to hear this, there's a lot of common sense in there.


I'm always happy to share my thoughts with dominants who seem to be genuinely good guys.




Awwww fuck. No wonder I get no words of wisdomzzzzzzzzzzz.


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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/6/2011 5:30:35 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		I think everyone else has covered most of the things I could think of, so I will just add one little thing on the slapping. Some people mark faster than others. If you go ahead and slap her there is a good chance you will leave a hand print. This is the first time you are meeting the folks and they might not understand why their sweet little girl has your hand print on the side of her face at breakfast the next morning. Just something to think about.

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/6/2011 5:50:29 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IntimateDarkness

I said trivial in the sense that they we're not related to us, but the things we were dealing with were not trivial at all. She was finishing exams, finishing papers, working etc and her great grand mother had died so she had to prepare to go up to for funeral. That was stressful and I had been managing a business, working a 2nd job and other family related issues. It just boiled over and we realized that.

With all this going on, how on earth do you expect to see her more than a few times per week?

quote:

She has to let the parents know 1-2 days ahead of time if she's going out and she has curfews etc otherwise she's afraid all hell will break loose with the folks. She also can't see me more then a few times a week because that'll raise some red flags.

I impose a curfew on myself on work nights.

I've just moved and am living with my mother for the summer. As a matter of courtesy, I tell her when I'll be going out. I'm 44.

quote:

So this has been shall we say FUCKED UP for me, for obvious reasons like no chance of having anything M/s which of course was the whole point!

I know it's hard, especially when you're 25, but do try to stop thinking with your dick. I recommend you get to know her as a person first, slave second.

Furthermore, you may wish to consider that having your first foray into BDSM being a M/s relationship is rather ambitious. You must learn to crawl before you walk.

Best of luck to you!

KK







< Message edited by kalikshama -- 7/6/2011 6:04:06 AM >

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RE: Slap my submissive? - 7/6/2011 6:49:14 AM   
thatsub


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/3/2010
Status: offline 		A good article about face slapping: http://www.frugaldomme.com/dangers/danger10.htm

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