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RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:54:59 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		send me a message via cmail hun

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(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 8:10:27 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69

Both of us have had MMF and she has had more exoerieces before we met and married. I wil take the advice and sit with both of them and set rules, boundries and limites and possiable have him teach me to more of a dom than I have been. Gound rules have not been set execpt one and that is no session will happen until I agree to it.

One quick question, how long is a session normally?

I ask and understand that a session is more that 30 min, I know that they can last for severa hours or days. can you help?

It lasts as long as somebody determines that it lasts.  It depends on the situation, what is going to happen, what type of play, etc, etc.  There's also real life to consider (jobs, kids).  That's if you're just talking about play.  The D/s part and the service part (if there is going to be one) will take time, too. 


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 8:14:50 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69

coming out of my 5 yeat depression that she stood by me in and I am coming out of it now and she wants this now, wow, confused, scared, and worried that I may lose her and my kids as well.

I will sit doen with both of them and talk about limits, ground rules and time limits for sessions or can I have these stipulation?


Ok, she stood by you. That doesn't mean you sit back and let her do what you want. Fight for your relationship, its obvious that you want things with her to work. Let her know what is going to work for you then, you'd be doing her a disservice if you just went along with things and never voiced an opinion.

Of course you can tell her what your limits are. You have a relationship with her, its the both of you that decide how it works between you. How will she know if you don't tell her? If you have concerns, voice them, and expect her to honor them. You have just as much a say in what happens as she does. If she wants something and it doesn't work for you say no. You can't go back and do it over you know after she does something you cannot accept.

Go slowly, try things little by little. You may find yourself being fine with it or you may want to stop. Who knows? It's uncharted territory, she's got to see that and she should be willing to take baby steps in order to get what she wants so that you'll be on the same page with her. She did stand by you after all, let her know how you want things done so she can stand by you now too.

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 8:20:08 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Will do, you could not have opened my eyes any wider and clearer. I will make my voice be heard and we will talk about limits. I to will stand by her as she and I move through this uncharted chaperter in life and baby steps will be taken

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 8:31:06 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Normally, I wouldn't put up one of My own past threads to explain things on a new one, but even when I wrote it about eighteen months ago, that was the very reason that I did so.  It gives a more detailed version of how MP and I went from monogamy to poly (which is basically what you are doing here if she is going to have a dynamic with someone else).  Here's the link to the thread.  http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2992857&key=

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 9:05:46 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		seeing your wife play with another the first time can rouse the green monster of jealousy . i was fine with my Mistress playing with another bottom till i saw it. i was indeed jealous and had to deal with it. i only took me about a hour to do so but i was taken unawares by it. so with that be careful make sure all of you talk it out set the boundaries and express any feelings that each of you have and trust each other. it is a big change in your life and relationship so take some time to get used to the idea and playing with another without you. it can make the relationship a wonderful thing benefiting all but it can also destroy ever thing.  the journey i made took some time and has some troubles but it has been wonderfully benefit to A/all of U/us. i love and cherish my wife and my Mistress i wouldn't change anything
i wish you many happy returns from your journey.

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proud to serve the awsome
LadyPact

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 9:18:46 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks for your input;

My wife and I have had MMF three somes in the past. We have discussed about the jealousy issue and I believe that for the first several sessions that both of us will be there me as a learning Dom and building the trust between him and I. As time moves foward I am sure that she will ba alone with him and or I with someone else.

(in reply to LPslittleclip)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 9:23:25 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Fucking and d/s relationships are not the same.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 9:46:54 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69

Need help! Wife wants to sub for a master and I know him. However I want to go through this with her and be by her side learning with her. the dom stated that he will not have a session until I give the him the ok. My wife and I have talked alot about entering the lifestyle and I have learned alot over the past two weeks and I am will to learn more. It seems that I am losing her along the way and I do not want that. She tells me that this is helping our relationsip by her experiencing a dom outside the marrage. Please help me understand what wea are getting into and what to expect.

We have had threesomes in the past with other men, no women yet so playing is not new, just her without me is.


The beauty of message boards is that you'll get a plethora of answers. It's up to you to determine which things may or may not help you. So, here is my two cents on the subject.

Single dom mentoring a married couple is a no for me. You can learn everything you want going down a different road that will have far, far less complications. Take classes together, get involved with your local groups together. Attend munches together meet other couples and there are lots of couples out there who have solid relationships of their own and who won't interfer in *your* relationship. The key word in all those things is *together*.

There is no reason why another dom needs to do any hands on training with your lady. If you start off slow, only go those places where you both feel comfortable and take the small steps into the bigger ones, you can learn and grow together. No matter how small, baby steps keep you moving and you do get places.. maybe not at the speed of light, but you have your whole lives together to explore. This *thing* we do is but one part of the total package of your relationship. You are not one dimensional beings so a single facet of any relationship shouldn't be something which makes or breaks you so don't let it.

Single dom, though with no ties rarely and I do mean *rarely* bode well for the 3rd wheel.. which, in this case, would be you.

If you need help with your relationship (I speak from my heart when I say that) the odds of a single guy being a philanthropist are pretty nil, even a friend and even a good friend. Problems in the relationship and I do understand about threesomes in the past, but if you are already scared and insecure, how are you going to gain any sort of self-esteem or security with a single guy hanging with your wife, ordering her around, getting intimate in body and mind in ways which you may not be able to at this time.. or, perhaps any time.

I hope you give this all the careful and thoughtful consideration which it deserves. Weigh to the cost/benefit.. what are the rewards to you, your relationship and your lady and what are the possible costs. Be quite sure you are willing to pay them.

I sincerely wish you well and I hope I'm not scaring you from trying something which peaks your interest but at the same time wanted to give you another prospective to consider.



_____________________________

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 10:07:18 PM   
Pteryx


Posts: 29
Joined: 7/14/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69

She tells me that she doesnot want to leave me, this is as of today, an I understand that, I am scared and nervious and getting that funny feeling in my stomch.


that's enough of a reason not to do it. look, if nothing else, the firm no asserts your role as a dom.

seriously, do some independent stuff on your own rather than letting her go off. bdsm is too intense to play around with in your situation.


(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 10:10:28 PM   
Pteryx


Posts: 29
Joined: 7/14/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble


quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69

Need help! Wife wants to sub for a master and I know him. However I want to go through this with her and be by her side learning with her. the dom stated that he will not have a session until I give the him the ok. My wife and I have talked alot about entering the lifestyle and I have learned alot over the past two weeks and I am will to learn more. It seems that I am losing her along the way and I do not want that. She tells me that this is helping our relationsip by her experiencing a dom outside the marrage. Please help me understand what wea are getting into and what to expect.

We have had threesomes in the past with other men, no women yet so playing is not new, just her without me is.


The beauty of message boards is that you'll get a plethora of answers. It's up to you to determine which things may or may not help you. So, here is my two cents on the subject.

Single dom mentoring a married couple is a no for me. You can learn everything you want going down a different road that will have far, far less complications. Take classes together, get involved with your local groups together. Attend munches together meet other couples and there are lots of couples out there who have solid relationships of their own and who won't interfer in *your* relationship. The key word in all those things is *together*.

There is no reason why another dom needs to do any hands on training with your lady. If you start off slow, only go those places where you both feel comfortable and take the small steps into the bigger ones, you can learn and grow together. No matter how small, baby steps keep you moving and you do get places.. maybe not at the speed of light, but you have your whole lives together to explore. This *thing* we do is but one part of the total package of your relationship. You are not one dimensional beings so a single facet of any relationship shouldn't be something which makes or breaks you so don't let it.

Single dom, though with no ties rarely and I do mean *rarely* bode well for the 3rd wheel.. which, in this case, would be you.

If you need help with your relationship (I speak from my heart when I say that) the odds of a single guy being a philanthropist are pretty nil, even a friend and even a good friend. Problems in the relationship and I do understand about threesomes in the past, but if you are already scared and insecure, how are you going to gain any sort of self-esteem or security with a single guy hanging with your wife, ordering her around, getting intimate in body and mind in ways which you may not be able to at this time.. or, perhaps any time.

I hope you give this all the careful and thoughtful consideration which it deserves. Weigh to the cost/benefit.. what are the rewards to you, your relationship and your lady and what are the possible costs. Be quite sure you are willing to pay them.

I sincerely wish you well and I hope I'm not scaring you from trying something which peaks your interest but at the same time wanted to give you another prospective to consider.




yes. everything you said. the only thing is that the dom here is not starting from a good place. I would suggest independent research/development before even starting down any mutual exploration roles.

dude, she will appreciate the boundaries you lay down.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 10:53:08 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

I let a sub play without me and I lost her.



One can only lose that which does not belong to them.



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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 11:18:06 PM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		ok i read through all your replies man, and its a fucked up place you're in. you've got some pretty fucking good advice. chatte and ladyp in particular know their shit, pay attention to them. there's a few things i want to point out that have been overlooked.

you say you want to learn to be the dom, you want to be her dom, does she want you to be her dom as well?

if she does, then start right fucking now. let her know that this other guy will be teaching you techniques, and doing so on your fucking terms, if he doesn't like that idea, too fucking bad, tell him it's your way or the fucking highway.

if she doesn't want you to be her dom, well then you are in a really fucking rough spot. see, it can work, a wife having a dom and a husband, but it's a sticky fucking wicket to say the least because there is going to be conflict between his demands on her and yours. and you are going to be majorly fucking jealous, trust me i know this from personal experience. how are you with dealing with being jealous? if she wants him as her dom you are going to have to talk to each other like you never fucking talked before. total fucking honesty from both of you. and be prepared to lose her one way or the other, because it's a likely outcome if she is wanting him as her dom rather than as a mentor to the two of you.

good fucking luck man, you both are going to need it.



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i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 5:02:40 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I'm curious why you need someone to "teach" you to be a dom. You're married to her. You should know her better than anyone.
I don't think the mindset can be taught. You either are dominant or you aren't.
You shouldn't need anyone to show you how to spank or control or lead.
You'd be better off going to a demonstration type of bdsm group to learn things (yes, I did just say that) such as fire play, etc.

Things such as bondage can be learned through books or the net. It's something that just the two of you can explore together to see what works and doesn't.
You don't need another man showing you that.

If she's insistent then my thoughts are that she's no longer into you and is looking for a way out and to fuck another.
The other dom is looking to move on into your territory and fuck her.

My other advice is to not have any more threesomes until you both have a much more solid marriage.
For you to allow this is like you giving her permission to cheat. You may be there the first few times, but they will either start to meet without you knowing or she will just up and leave you.

Man up and take the control that she's showing she wants if you want to keep her.



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(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 5:09:41 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm with Aileen.  Your wife and the other Dom are clearly infringing on your space.  In other words, her.  Tell him that as of now, further contact with her is prohibited while you work on your relationship with her. Then fricking WORK ON IT.  Actively, as in taking control and letting her know what YOU WANT.

It could be that she's wanting to be Dommed.  Or it could be that she just wants a side fuck.  Whichever, you need to assert yourself AND you need to be a strong presence within the relationship - right now, you sound like a bystander.

That said, I do not get strong Dom vibes from you, and your profile does not state that you are in a relationship with her.  It hints that you're actively looking for sub women.  Why?


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 5:33:37 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
That said, I do not get strong Dom vibes from you


Same here.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 5:47:47 AM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		From my experience, it never worked for me to stop someone from doing something. So I learned and am very open to have my partners do what they want (I kinda encourage it also).. to resume things, I am a dom that likes to share. I am confident and don't have a problem with my partner leaving me for another one (or two).. if it happens, so be it, or "it was made to be". Me not being american and all doesn't help with trying to express myself

What I am trying to say is that over the years, being an open/free man has served me well and it is now who I am .. It takes a lot of work and lots of "looking withing " to get there and it also takes time to remove jealousy from your life.

If it was me , I would talk to her about what she needs and what you need and let her do what she wants.. Be ready to lose her .

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(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 7:13:13 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I would imagine that she's seeking someone dominant because of you being depressed for five years. That's a very long time for one spouse to have to carry the other. It's in reaction to the fact that she had to be in charge all the time that she now longs so much to definitely not be in charge.

Google bdsm checklists and each of you fill them out. Then you explore topping her starting with the things you both ranked the highest. If she doesn't like pain, does she like bondage? Does she just want someone else to make decisions? If so, start making them.

If she normally does all the cooking, then ask her what ingredients she has and tell her what to make that doesn't require a last minute run to the store. Or tell her to get what she needs for a chicken and mushroom pasta dish with a creamy sauce. Also tell her to sit down and rest when she looks tired while you and the kids do the dishes. Send her to bed. Make decisions that take her well being into account.


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 6:57:39 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		I to agree that she has taken on a single responisability during my degression. I did check out hte checklists  and printed out two of them ans we will be going over them as well.. I took your suggestion and she had to drive about an hour round trip to pick up something and I told her that I would do it while she took a nap. Last night her and I talked for about 2+ hours about anything and everything. When We got home at 4:30am her and I had the most amazing sex ever, including three more time by 12 pm. My mind was spinning and thing of was to wake her, like with peacock feathers that have been sitting byu my side of the bed for 2 years, she loved it. Then straping her hands above her head and getting out lotions and other items highting her senses.

I appreachate all the information you have given me and her as our relationship is getting stronger.

PS She talke with the dom friend, and informed him that we are want to meet over drinks and gather more information and then even have a couple session with him to show me the ropes of being a more experience dom for my wife. Reading, researching, going to Munches, and trusting a person to TEACH are all different methods of learning.

Thanks again for all the information you have given.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 7:34:52 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Based on all you posted, it would seem that you and your wife meeting with this guy (as you both already know him) and having him give YOU assistance on dominating your wife, not him doing it with you watching. That is if the goal, as you say, is for you to become a better dominant for her.

As others have said, getting involved in the local scene will put you in touch with others who are experienced and I'm sure will be happy to answer any questions you have.

I may have come to this post a little late, your profile indicates you are dominant, not submissive. If she wants you to be dominant, then a good way to assert that dominance is to tell her that YOU will decide who "guides" the two of you, and although you welcome her input, it is NOT her decision to make.

I understand that your having been ill for a while must have been tough, but if she really wants you to be dominant to her submissive, then start by setting the rules NOW.

I'm sorry but my initial impression of what you wrote was that your wife wanted to get her groove on with this other guy and was using the whole "he will teach me D/s, so I can show you" as an exuse. After all, if she is the sub, and you are the dom, and you are both new, then learn together with each other, not with some guy who will "teach" your wife what she should do. You teach her what she should do for you as you are the one who is supposed to be in charge.

Good luck, and no matter what happens, try not to let this cause a rebound to your health.

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 40
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