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RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 7:45:54 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Hey HannahlynHeather;

Thanks for your advice yesterday, last night we beith had a very indepth conversation about the lifestyle. As for the other guy being her Dom she would rather have me than him right now in this moment in space. I have been doing research and reading all these posts, and listening to Chatte and Ladyp advice. After out talk last night we came home about 4:30 am, and had one of the best sexual encounters in the last 5+ years, alonmg with three more before noon.

As well we talked about the DOm being a montor at this time and all three of us are going to meet over drinks talking about him, limits, etc, etc. Right know he is just a friend and that is where it stands, I have only met him twice and remember him talling me that he WILL NOT get between me and my wife. He says he respects marrige vows, time will tell on that note.

I am getting alot of good feedback and starting to take control of the changes being made. BY you making the statement of
" there is going to be conflict between his demands on her and yours" you opened my eyes and hers.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 7:52:34 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		I will not let this rebound me in health issues. I have started to take on a more Dom role and her sub. All three of us are going to meet for drinks and dicuss the lifestyle, and he will mentor us.

Before talking in depth with her last night I too thought that shw just wanted to get her groove on, by having him teach her everything and not me.

I too learned last night that this whole wanting to experience the lifestyle was she was talking to him about going to SF and getting me a Femdom for my B-day or do a FFM session as I have never had one. Now here we are with my zb-day gift set aside and working on us by learning more about each other, and this could be the rebirth of our marrige.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Confused - 7/16/2011 8:22:06 PM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		good, i'm glad to hear it. now that you know she wants you to be her dom, start fucking being her dom. start right now. you start making the fucking decisions that you think are best for the two of you. not best for her, not best for you, but best for the two of you together.

this doesn't mean you tell her to shut the fuck up and obey, you talk, you get her input and her views, and then YOU decide. that is, in the final analysis, what being the fucking dom means. it's now in your hands, its to you to make it work or fuck it up.

and keep fucking talking, all the time, keep fucking talking about it all, what you feel, what she feels, what's going on in your heads, what you like, what you don't fucking like, everything.

all the rest is window dressing.

oh yeah, just call me hannah


_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Confused - 7/17/2011 10:33:27 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Hey everyone, this is the wife. Thank you all for talking to my husband, and giving him other perspectives of the lifestyle. It is important to understand a couple things about our relationship. First I am a little more sexually experienced than my husband, (in a past life, before him.). He went through a serious depression that took him away from me for years, he is now comming out of his depression and I started this journey with the intention of finding him a domme. He has always been dominant in his career and life and had expressed many times he wanted me to dominate him. I am not dominant, I am very submissive (just not subserviant) I tried to dominate him but he always took it back. a few weeks ago I met someone and we were talking, it turned out he was a dom and was trying to help me find my husband a domme, and set up a birthday present for him, including going to the city for a weekend of sexual frivality. During the conversations he peaked new interests in me and I am courious. I trust this dom and he has already helped us in our relationship just by talking to me. He would never come in between me and my husband and has offered to coach us as a couple. It never even crossed my mind to leave my husband, if I stood by him this long why would I leave him when he is comming back to me. I only wanted to fulfill his fantacies and it scared him when I became courious. I still think that I would like him to have a domme to talk to or even just experience being dominated once, that way he could find if he is truly dom, sub or switch. I related it to him as us jumping out of an airplane, we are both jumping together at the same time, we are just strapped to other people that fit each of our needs. I have no desire to be dominated by a woman and he would not accept domination by a man. And this is were we are now.

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 1:24:20 AM   
SexyBossyBBW


Posts: 1693
Joined: 2/25/2010
Status: offline 		At first glance, it looks like two submissives got married, and you've lost control of the direction of your marriage.
You have a choice as to whether you want your wife playing with another, without your presence, or consent. If I were you, I wouldn't consent by the way. After reading some responses, talking to one another, and being her dominant (if you wish/can), is what you need to do, and hopefully you want/can do that.

The choice may not be what you hoped for, but it seems to me, you either are going to love her, and consent to what she wants/needs, change to be what she wants/needs... Or you love her, but understand you are not what she wants/needs, and you'll therefore, need to let her go. M

< Message edited by SexyBossyBBW -- 7/18/2011 1:40:51 AM >

_____________________________

"..touching was and still is and always will be the True Revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Only when there are many people who are pools of peace, silence, understanding, will war disappear." -Osho

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 1:42:33 AM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		if you want him to try a domme once, hire a fucking pro.

oh yeah, paragraphs please. para-fucking-graphs!!


_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 11:11:31 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69
I still think that I would like him to have a domme to talk to or even just experience being dominated once, that way he could find if he is truly dom, sub or switch. I related it to him as us jumping out of an airplane, we are both jumping together at the same time, we are just strapped to other people that fit each of our needs. I have no desire to be dominated by a woman and he would not accept domination by a man. And this is were we are now.

If the Dominant that you are talking to is involved with the local community, why don't you see if he can recommend somebody who is in the area?  It's a long shot, considering it sounds like you're trying to find somebody who is willing to just take him out for a one night romp and basically be a fantasy fulfillment role, but you might find somebody.  Other than that, you might actually want to take Hannah's suggestion and hire a pro.  If part of the idea is that it is going to be sexual, you'll have to do some screening to find someone who is willing to do that as part of the service.

If neither of those work for you, the other suggestion you might consider is to become involved in your local community yourselves.  You might be able to find somebody who is willing to top him (not sexually, just BDSM-wise) if both of you are there and you are willing to talk with the person so they can see for themselves that you really consent to this happening.  Don't go with the expectation that he's going to get laid.  These aren't swingers clubs/groups.  There's a munch group that isn't very far away from you where you could go to meet people.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 11:25:11 AM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		Two subs in a marriage is ALWAYS a problem, gay or straight.

Sounds like she is trying to get you to go against your natural needs by asking / forcing / manipulating you to become a Dom. (She's NOT doing that conciously, but she's making it happen 'cause that's what she wants for herself.)

As others have said, I just don't get the "Dom vibe" from your posts.

Old gay joke: "What do two subs do when they get home? Flip a coin for bottom......"

So, Lance, what's your advice?  Buzz, I think you need to find YOUR Domme and arrange for YOU to be submissive.  FLASH! Why isn't SHE learning to Domme you?  HMMMmmmm?

Poly in the style of LadyPact.  Which is almost impossible to achieve without TALKing and a HUGE amount of EDUCATION on her and your part.  (Please note: The Dom you are "working" with does NOT figure into the two of your figuring out YOUR poly approach. )

Ugly, ugly, ugly situation..... glad you came here for help, advice and different viewpoints.

ETA: Dom advisor didn't get involved with "I told her to go to nap.  When I came back, I used peacock feathers to wake her."  HEY!  Not too much BDSM in there - sure you told her to go to bed, just as any loving husband would.  So, I see you just "looking out for her welfare" and then playing with that in a "service top" way.  YOU are Dom, but giving her what you KNOW she wants / needs.

YOUR natural instincts paid off handsomely!  (3-fucks without a third.... Hmmm new definition of 3-way. LOL!)  Go with YOUR natural instincts.  You can "top from the bottom."  AND, best of all, she can return the favor. LOL!

Maybe not such an ugly situation after all, provided you TWO work it out!  GOOD first "baby" step.  Keep going.

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 7/18/2011 11:53:30 AM >

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 12:43:04 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Hey LadyPact, This is the wife again. The original intent was to hire a pro. In talking to this particular Dom, I was advised that hireing a Domme could be a mistake because there is no repor, or relationship. In short that person does not know the person they are dominating or their limits. The Dom I am talking to suggested some Dommes in the area that he could start talking to, unfortunately the first one just aquired a new sub and wants to dedicate her time to him.

I have just been talking to my husband and told him that through this experience he is already learning, and has some wonderful Dommes that he is talking to here on this site. I told him that if he wanted to I would fly him to one of his choice that he trusts.

Most importantly, I want him to find himself, I could hire anyone to fuck him, I would like to see his sexual side hightened and expanded. This is a journey that we would like to take together, it is just finding the right path for us both to take.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 12:47:15 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Hey LanceHuges,
This is the wife. My husband is trying to find out what he is, Dom/Sub/Switch. I am submissive, there is no doubt, he on the other hand has always been dominant in life and career. He has expressed wanting to be dominated, but I am not strong enough to dominate him, it is against my nature. This journey started with and ultimately is still about helping him to find out who and what he is.

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 12:52:19 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69
I was advised that hireing a Domme could be a mistake because there is no repor, or relationship. In short that person does not know the person they are dominating or their limits.



If this were true, prodominants would go out of business. They want repeat business so it is in their best interests to get to know the person and their limits and triggers. I personally know a prodominant and if i or someone else ever required this kind of service i would not hesitate to go to her.

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 12:53:02 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69
Hey LanceHuges,

This is the wife. My husband is trying to find out what he is, Dom/Sub/Switch. I am submissive, there is no doubt, he on the other hand has always been dominant in life and career. He has expressed wanting to be dominated, but I am not strong enough to dominate him, it is against my nature. This journey started with and ultimately is still about helping him to find out who and what he is.

Domination is gender-free.  Fly him to me.  I can dominate him AND teach him a few things about being a Dom  AND no sex will happen.

Actually men that are dominant in life and career tend to make the VERY best subs.  They make decisions all day long affecting big bucks and many people.  What a relief to walk in the door, strip and kneel, laying the problems of the day at the feet of a Domme.

If he likes that idea, he's a sub.... doesn't need to "find out" any more than that.  LOL!

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 12:54:08 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Hey HannahLynHeather,
At first I was going to hire him a pro, but the Dom that I have been talking to advised me that just hiring one for the night may not be the right move, as he needs to discover who he is. A one night session is not going to show him that.

I am very excited that he has some strong Dommes here on this site to talk to. We tried to set him up with a local Domme that the Dom I have been talking to knows well. She unfortunately has a new sub. I would love to get him with someone he is already starting a repor with. Are you available?

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 1:03:29 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		My tag line says:
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong
 
I'm guessing you both DAMN well know that he's a sub.  To the WIFE: please stop trying to turn him into a Dom for you to be a sub to.  WOuld be wonderful if you had a matching dynamic.  I simply think you're a same-orientation marriage.  As above, an unfortunate situation.  Especially finding out so late in the game (with children and all.)
 
Seems your marriage has withstood some pretty "rocky" events / happenings.  SOLVE this one the same way you did the others. 
 
You BOTH need to be dominated....and submissive..... well, sounds like some switching might be in order.  OR as above, he can be a "service top" and / or "top from the bottom."  Just make DAMN sure both of you (note: not all 3 of you) are on the same page.


_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 1:08:55 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		I think that topping someone CAN be a very submissive act when you know it will make the person so happy.

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 1:13:16 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		LP - Cmail!

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 1:31:35 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69

Hey HannahLynHeather,
At first I was going to hire him a pro, but the Dom that I have been talking to advised me that just hiring one for the night may not be the right move, as he needs to discover who he is. A one night session is not going to show him that.

I am very excited that he has some strong Dommes here on this site to talk to. We tried to set him up with a local Domme that the Dom I have been talking to knows well. She unfortunately has a new sub. I would love to get him with someone he is already starting a repor with. Are you available?


How do you know this "real life" dominant? How long have you known him? I'm sure you have noticed by not everyone here is finding is advice to be the "best" way to go.

While I'm not "public" girl myself, you two really should attend a local event WITHOUT your friend, mr. dom and meet the people there. Be honest about being new and get to know the people there. My understanding, and LP can correct me if I'm wrong, she goes to a lot of events, is that many people there would be happy to answer you questions and offer some guidance to you as a COUPLE who is new.

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 1:38:10 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Hannah

This is buzz, and we have not been to any meetings or events at all. I will however go online and find out when thenext meeting is taking place and the wife & I will attend and talk to different people to get a better understanding and view points. Trusting my wife she has only known this Dom for about three weeks from her place of business and talking on the phone.

She & I talked last night and we are going to invite himover for a BBQ this next weekend and have a question & answer session.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 2:10:35 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69

Hey LadyPact, This is the wife again. The original intent was to hire a pro. In talking to this particular Dom, I was advised that hireing a Domme could be a mistake because there is no repor, or relationship. In short that person does not know the person they are dominating or their limits. The Dom I am talking to suggested some Dommes in the area that he could start talking to, unfortunately the first one just aquired a new sub and wants to dedicate her time to him.

I have just been talking to my husband and told him that through this experience he is already learning, and has some wonderful Dommes that he is talking to here on this site. I told him that if he wanted to I would fly him to one of his choice that he trusts.

Most importantly, I want him to find himself, I could hire anyone to fuck him, I would like to see his sexual side hightened and expanded. This is a journey that we would like to take together, it is just finding the right path for us both to take.

Would you do Me a favor?  I'd really prefer it if you would type from your own profile to eliminate the confusion.  Unless you only created this one and the Dom that you're talking to contacted you via this male profile, I'm thinking that you had one of your own when you started poking around a BDSM site.  There must be another profile, because you were talking to the other person for three weeks, so please use that one.  Anything else just looks like something shady is going on here.

No offense, but the Dom that you're talking to isn't giving you the straight answer on hiring a pro, either.  Any professional Dominant (a good one, anyway) is going to negotiate with the client before the session.  Finding the right pro is also up to the client.  Most will have webpages for information on the services that they render.

As for flying him out somewhere, most of the Dominant women that I know are going to pass on that.  Lifestyle Dominants aren't drive through McDommes who are going to want to play with just anybody who shows up in their town.  Also, flying him out with you not accompanying him gives you the same problem that I responded to in an answer earlier.  If they don't get to talk to you face to face, they are going to be hesitant to play with some married guy that they have never met.  They have their own safety and standards to consider.  Plus, it's not like female tops don't already have their fair share of folks to play with where all of this hassle isn't happening.  Even if something worked out, the Domme would be who knows where in the country while you've got a local Dom.  Guess how fast there are going to be jealousy issues when you are getting your wants met and he's not?

If you've found a Dominant woman who is willing to get involved in this potential powder keg, be My guest and I'll wish you the best on it.  I still say that you are better off meeting folks together at your local munch.  Pretty much the same advice that I gave when it came to the Dom that you wanted to meet up with.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Confused - 7/18/2011 4:47:53 PM   
ChasteDream


Posts: 26
Joined: 7/17/2011
Status: offline 		Lots of good advice from knowledgeable people on this thread. Basically, stop taking as gospel what this guy you've known for three weeks is telling you; and forget the BBQ! Terrible idea! If you must meet him, do it at a bdsm club or munch, or at least a vanilla pub or cafe away from your home. If its a scene venue, you get some chance to assess how other players there respond to him.
As folks have suggested, get out there and meet people on the real scene. Talk, watch and learn. Continue reading and chatting on these boards. And look up some of the literature and do some reading. there are lots of 'how to' manuals; although to be honest, it does sound as if you may both be better off looking for someone who will play with you both together. There are good pro-dom/mes who would agree that with you; or you can look for lifestyle dom/mes who would take on a couple. Like everything to do with relationships, it ain't necessarily easy; but if you do want to stay together and have a happy life, its worth making an effort. At least you've begun.........good luck.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 60
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