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ElanSubdued -> RE: How wide is the disconnect? (8/9/2011 5:18:03 PM)
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Peon,
quote:
You've *never* sounded like a 'jaded, elitist prick' before!
I was using the phrase JEP for literary emphasis. I feel there is sometimes a significant disconnect between dominants and submissives, and I believe this crosses genders and roles. This has nothing to do with BDSM and everything to do with BDSM. As is the case when walking into a casino, the lights and money become addictive. With kink, we substitute endorphins, power dynamics, and play. But, the effect is the same. The arena often draws people in and it encourages addiction.
All to often, when meeting, I find kinky folks (whether intentionally or accidentally, cognitively or without perception) become focused on BDSM and not on the essential, positive, balanced, human qualities that make up loving, fulfilling, long-lasting relationships and life. To me, that's the disconnect and it causes submissives to natter on about their fetishes and dominants have their own version of this.
When I meet a dominant woman, I'm not actually interested in her fetishes (at least initially and past basic compatibility) until she engages me as a person and chemistry develops such that we'd both want to share these aspects of our personage. But, on sites like Collar Me (and sometimes at real life BDSM events too), the reverse seems to take precedence. Kink is engaged and advertised full-on and the humanity of the people behind the kink gets minimal stage time.
Every dominant I've ever met feels sadness and sometimes cries, men and women alike. And yet, we still have this absurd notion of things dominants do versus things submissives do, as though the two are fundamentally different and as though we are fundamentally different from our vanilla counterparts. This is ridiculous! We're all people and as such, for the most part, we laugh, love, communicate, feel sadness, feel pain, experience joy, and each have somewhat unique preferences. The specific details of how each person experiences these may be slightly different, but I don't see kinky people (and within kinky people, those on the top versus those on the bottom) as being anything other than just people. This is frequently lost amongst the clutter of whips, chains, and chastity (the trinity isn't meant to imply my tastes... rather, I just like the alliteration) and to me this is the biggest disconnect I feel in BDSM.
So, to summarize, I don't feel it's a matter of specific BDSM roles consistently attracting certain personality types, though it's tempting to think of it this way. Rather, I believe the disconnect is one where the humanity of all participants is often lost due to the flashing lights and "role the dice, get a quick payout" mentality brought on by the arena and it's addictive qualities.
Elan.
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