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Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 2:42:21 PM

Iamsemisweet

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From: The Great Northwest, USA
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I was married for 20 years, and my ex and I mostly took separate vacations, because we had very different interests. Also, I really liked being home when he wasn't there. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if we hadn't done that.
So now I am seeing a man that I really enjoy being with. He is pretty vanilla, but openminded, and we have lots in common. He is currently away on a long range sport fishing trip, and I am really struggling with him not being around for 10 days. He has another trip scheduled in November for 3 weeks, and he goes on both these trips annually. These two trips wee scheduled before we even met.
The question is, I am getting kind of upset about him being away so much. Am I wrong in not wanting him to go, and telling him that?

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

Post #: 1

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 2:47:09 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Yes. You knew about the trips away up-front.

Your potential male appears to be someone who has to have his own personal time with his buds. If you care about him a/o want a relationship, you will need to respect that.

To do anything else smacks of "I want to change him," and I suspect we both know how well that works out.

_____________________________

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 2

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 2:47:31 PM

HannahLynHeather

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Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
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quote:

Am I wrong in not wanting him to go, and telling him that?

yes and no. yes it's wrong to expect him to cancel a long planned trip just because you came along. and no it's not wrong to tell him you feel that way, but it would be fucking wrong to insist or try make him cancel.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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Post #: 3

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 3:01:36 PM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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I wouldn't dream of asking him to cancel the trips he has already booked, but I don't know if I can deal with him being at sea 5 weeks a year long term.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 4

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 3:10:38 PM

HannahLynHeather

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From: where it's at
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well, that's something to bring up and talk about, and he'll decide which means more to him, your desire to have him around or the fucking trips. and if he decides the trips, then you decide if you can deal or not.

simple. i don't see any sort of dilemma here.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 5

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 3:19:03 PM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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I think the dilemma is that I don't like him being gone, but it seems wrong to make him feel bad about doing something he enjoys, just because I don't like it. If I tell him that, it will make him feel guilty, and lessen his enjoyment when he does go, even if I decide I don't want to end the relationship because of it.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 6

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 3:41:37 PM

SoulAlloy

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Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline

If you're thinking long term, is there the possibility of going with him on some of these trips? Not necessarily to share the fishing side of things, but even nearby for support and evenings together?

If you can see this being one of those things that builds up and builds up till it explodes then definitely discuss it. You might find he feels the same way as you do after his trip.

_____________________________

"Better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without" - Confucius

"It'll be alright in the end - if it isn't alright, it's not the end." - unknown

Kinky crossdressing Whovian

Host of the Preston (UK) Munch, 2nd Wednesday each month

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 7

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 3:42:59 PM

DomImus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet
I wouldn't dream of asking him to cancel the trips he has already booked, but I don't know if I can deal with him being at sea 5 weeks a year long term.

Sounds like a good time for an ultimatum. Those always end well.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 8

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 3:44:06 PM

HannahLynHeather

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From: where it's at
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then suck it up.

see, still no dilemma. don't make shit more complicated than it is. life is pretty fucking straight forward.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 9

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 4:19:30 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Master takes separate trips usually because our schedules conflict or other reasons. I can't say I love them...I don't at all. I'd rather us take them together. But I realize that it's just part of life that I have to deal with so I try to find other things to distract me while he's away..work, hanging out with my daughter, hobbies....and shopping....lots of shopping.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 10

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 4:32:01 PM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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Actually, I would love to go on one of these trips, it would be amazing. I just can't be away from my business for weeks at a time.
Hannah, I have trouble believing there is not some other way to approach this other than break up or suffer in silence. I don't know, maybe he will like finding out I don't like being away from him, if it is phrased correctly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulAlloy

If you're thinking long term, is there the possibility of going with him on some of these trips? Not necessarily to share the fishing side of things, but even nearby for support and evenings together?

If you can see this being one of those things that builds up and builds up till it explodes then definitely discuss it. You might find he feels the same way as you do after his trip.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to SoulAlloy)

Post #: 11

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 4:35:36 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
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i didn't say break up, i said talk to the fucker. if he says tough shit, then you have to decide if you can deal or not. yea breaking up is one option, but its not the only one.

if it's bugging you enough, talk to him, if it's not then don't. you are complicating shit and assuming worse case scenarios.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 12

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 4:43:33 PM

Ruas

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Joined: 8/4/2011
Status: offline

5 weeks over a year is not that great an amount of time.

People do things seperate from their partners and are okay.

I wouldn't compare this relationship to your past ones.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 13

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 4:55:54 PM

Aylee

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Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

Go with him for a week and leave early. Or a few days or whatever. You are an adult. Brainstorm and figure it out. Because right now you are just being passive-aggressive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Actually, I would love to go on one of these trips, it would be amazing. I just can't be away from my business for weeks at a time.
Hannah, I have trouble believing there is not some other way to approach this other than break up or suffer in silence. I don't know, maybe he will like finding out I don't like being away from him, if it is phrased correctly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulAlloy

If you're thinking long term, is there the possibility of going with him on some of these trips? Not necessarily to share the fishing side of things, but even nearby for support and evenings together?

If you can see this being one of those things that builds up and builds up till it explodes then definitely discuss it. You might find he feels the same way as you do after his trip.

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 14

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 5:06:09 PM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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5 weeks out of 52 is pretty minimal, if you really think about it. But then that's my own personal perspective - others don't want to be apart that long.

I think telling him you'll miss him and would rather be with him, yet aren't asking him to cancel the trips isn't going to make him feel guilty. Part of being in an awesome, loving relationship is giving each other the space and leeway to be who you both are. If these trips are an annual thing for him and his friends, well that's who he is. Can you live with that?

The thing to ask yourself is why it bothers you the way it does, and if you can work through that to possibly change your reaction to it. You mentioned you & your ex taking separate vacations, and things not working out in the long run. Is this a fear of yours here? That if he takes these trips it will cause too much separation? If that's the crux of it, then that's what you talk to him about, and perhaps propose a third trip - together - every year as well. Meanwhile, you can plan those weeks to hang out with your friends and family and make the best of that time.

But, you have the option here to decide whether this is going to be an ongoing issue for you, or if you want to (or are able to) work through your hurdle about it. I take trips with my girlfriends from time to time. If the Mister had expressed a major problem with that in the beginning, I'd want the opportunity to talk through it and see if we could reach a win-win solution. I'd also want to know if we couldn't, because it's likely I wouldn't have continued with him if that were the case. Having the ability and freedom to be who I am is more important to me than being in a relationship, no matter how much I love him. It is my opinion that relationships should enhance each others lives, and if big compromises are required to make the other person happy, then I'd have to reconsider the relationships value to both of us.

But I do urge you to figure out the "why" behind your stress. You might find answers there, and perhaps a solution to your dilemma.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 15

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 5:07:37 PM

flcouple2009

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Joined: 1/8/2009
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He's gone on a fishing trip for 10 days.

Melodramatic much?

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Post #: 16

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 5:16:11 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Sorry, but you can't get this one past Me.

I'm of the mind that I knew what I signed up for in marrying MP. That means I knew up front that there was going to be time apart. (Not exactly "vacations, but you get My drift.)

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to flcouple2009)

Post #: 17

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 6:35:34 PM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline

This time. The next time it is 3 weeks. I am trying to deal with my feelings about this, and decide how to approach it. How is that melodramatic or passive aggressive?

Long range fishing means long range fishing. Unless I am willing to get dropped off in southern Mexico, I can't just go for a week.

quote:

ORIGINAL: flcouple2009

He's gone on a fishing trip for 10 days.

Melodramatic much?

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to flcouple2009)

Post #: 18

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 6:46:53 PM

flcouple2009

Posts: 2784
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline

You really might want to step back and take a long look at things trying to be objective.

Clingy much?

_____________________________

Do you promise to funk, the whole funk, and nothing but the funk?

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 19

RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 6:48:24 PM

MissToYouRedux

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Joined: 1/23/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

...
So now I am seeing a man that I really enjoy being with. He is pretty vanilla, but openminded, and we have lots in common. He is currently away on a long range sport fishing trip, and I am really struggling with him not being around for 10 days. He has another trip scheduled in November for 3 weeks, and he goes on both these trips annually. These two trips wee scheduled before we even met.
...

How long have you been seeing him, since this is the first time you will be dealing with this? And to be clear, does "seeing him" translate into "not living with him"? If so, it sounds like the reality is you have to tough it out now, and address the "I missed you so I much don't know if I can deal with you being at sea 5 weeks a year long term" when he gets back.

_____________________________

- Miss Marie

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 20

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