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ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

hannah hannah hannah hannah hannah

for fuck's sake heather's the cute nice one, i'm the rangy fucking bitch. get it fucking straight!!

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ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I was married for 20 years, and my ex and I mostly took separate vacations, because we had very different interests. Also, I really liked being home when he wasn't there. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if we hadn't done that.
So now I am seeing a man that I really enjoy being with. He is pretty vanilla, but openminded, and we have lots in common. He is currently away on a long range sport fishing trip, and I am really struggling with him not being around for 10 days. He has another trip scheduled in November for 3 weeks, and he goes on both these trips annually. These two trips wee scheduled before we even met.
The question is, I am getting kind of upset about him being away so much. Am I wrong in not wanting him to go, and telling him that?

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ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

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ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I was married for 20 years, and my ex and I mostly took separate vacations, because we had very different interests. Also, I really liked being home when he wasn't there. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if we hadn't done that.
So now I am seeing a man that I really enjoy being with. He is pretty vanilla, but openminded, and we have lots in common. He is currently away on a long range sport fishing trip, and I am really struggling with him not being around for 10 days. He has another trip scheduled in November for 3 weeks, and he goes on both these trips annually. These two trips wee scheduled before we even met.
The question is, I am getting kind of upset about him being away so much. Am I wrong in not wanting him to go, and telling him that?

First, let go of the baggage. It's heavy and not serving you well. This guy isn't your ex so quit making him carry your insecurity. Second, your profile lists that you are only seeking friends but the context of the profile itself makes it seem like you are still looking for a dominant partner. Is Mr. "Pretty Vanilla" going to be enough for what it is you 'know' you want? That's just something to think about.

You are in the blush of a new relationship, so it's pretty normal to want to spend a lot of your time around him. I'm in that phase myself. It's only been 15 years so I'm thinking in another 15 or 20 or so, I'll probably not want to spend all my time with him. That said, unless and until you are happy and comfortable in your own company doesn't it seem like you're putting a lot of pressure on Mr. Pretty Vanilla to provide to you what you aren't providing to yourself already?

Ten days and you are already worrying about something in the future .. something which hasn't even happened yet because of what you feel 'right now'. Hell, Mr. Pretty Vanilla might not be in your life in four months, so quit worrying about what you 'might' feel at that time and work on getting through the next ten days.

Keep breathing, get into some of the hobbies you've always enjoyed, go see a stupid movie, listen to a Randy Newman song, work, walk, whatever.. you know.. the stuff you did before you met him. When you get in those moments where you are just feeling overwhelmed, breath through them, get through *that* moment and if you need to do it again in the next moment, do that, too. A few moments strung together aren't going to do you any damage. You *can* get through them.

You can't help what you feel, I grant that.. but you can choose how you react to those feelings. Try to react in ways which are positive and help you.

Best of luck!

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ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

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ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I was married for 20 years, and my ex and I mostly took separate vacations, because we had very different interests. Also, I really liked being home when he wasn't there. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if we hadn't done that.
So now I am seeing a man that I really enjoy being with. He is pretty vanilla, but openminded, and we have lots in common. He is currently away on a long range sport fishing trip, and I am really struggling with him not being around for 10 days. He has another trip scheduled in November for 3 weeks, and he goes on both these trips annually. These two trips wee scheduled before we even met.
The question is, I am getting kind of upset about him being away so much. Am I wrong in not wanting him to go, and telling him that?

First, let go of the baggage. It's heavy and not serving you well. This guy isn't your ex so quit making him carry your insecurity. Second, your profile lists that you are only seeking friends but the context of the profile itself makes it seem like you are still looking for a dominant partner. Is Mr. "Pretty Vanilla" going to be enough for what it is you 'know' you want? That's just something to think about.

You are in the blush of a new relationship, so it's pretty normal to want to spend a lot of your time around him. I'm in that phase myself. It's only been 15 years so I'm thinking in another 15 or 20 or so, I'll probably not want to spend all my time with him. That said, unless and until you are happy and comfortable in your own company doesn't it seem like you're putting a lot of pressure on Mr. Pretty Vanilla to provide to you what you aren't providing to yourself already?

Ten days and you are already worrying about something in the future .. something which hasn't even happened yet because of what you feel 'right now'. Hell, Mr. Pretty Vanilla might not be in your life in four months, so quit worrying about what you 'might' feel at that time and work on getting through the next ten days.

Keep breathing, get into some of the hobbies you've always enjoyed, go see a stupid movie, listen to a Randy Newman song, work, walk, whatever.. you know.. the stuff you did before you met him. When you get in those moments where you are just feeling overwhelmed, breath through them, get through *that* moment and if you need to do it again in the next moment, do that, too. A few moments strung together aren't going to do you any damage. You *can* get through them.

You can't help what you feel, I grant that.. but you can choose how you react to those feelings. Try to react in ways which are positive and help you.

Best of luck!

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ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Good point, and I am trying to take it to heart. I just take offense at being called "clingy" for example or being told I just need to get a hobby.  A hobby? I have found some of the suggestions pretty useful, though.   I think I have developed a plan of action, and it may well seek some counseling, too.  I would like this relationship to work, since he is pretty awesome.  I think the way to couch it is not as an ultimatum or something stupid like that, more as a "I'll make it worth your while."  He wants me to board my horses this winter, for example, so that I don't have to be home twice a day, no matter what, to feed.  That way, I can spend more time at his house.  If  I am willing to go to the expense and emotional upset of doing that, then maybe he would be willing to give up something too.  That's compromise.
I think part of this IS baggage, honestly.  This is the exact time same time when my ex and I split up 4 years ago. 

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

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ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Good point, and I am trying to take it to heart. I just take offense at being called "clingy" for example or being told I just need to get a hobby.  A hobby? I have found some of the suggestions pretty useful, though.   I think I have developed a plan of action, and it may well seek some counseling, too.  I would like this relationship to work, since he is pretty awesome.  I think the way to couch it is not as an ultimatum or something stupid like that, more as a "I'll make it worth your while."  He wants me to board my horses this winter, for example, so that I don't have to be home twice a day, no matter what, to feed.  That way, I can spend more time at his house.  If  I am willing to go to the expense and emotional upset of doing that, then maybe he would be willing to give up something too.  That's compromise.
I think part of this IS baggage, honestly.  This is the exact time same time when my ex and I split up 4 years ago. 

I am glad that there is some that is helping. One thing that I have found useful is the things, like the first bit I bolded, that bother us the most to hear, are often the things we most need to hear.

The second bit I bolded....I read a little bit of passive aggressive manipulation into that. One thing does not have anything to do with the other thing. Board your horses if it is something the two of you agree is best, and you can afford it. However, don't hold THAT over his head as to why he needs to do something you want him to do. They are two entirely different issues and should be dealt with as such.

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ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

No problem, greedy.
Well, sounds like that idea won't work either then.  I will see how I feel in a couple of days, this weekend damn near killed me.  I may not be thinking straight myself.