Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Separate vacations


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: Separate vacations Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 7:09:12 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		That is my question.  How long have you been seeing each other.   To me, starting to determine how your vacations are spent is a long-term relationship and/or living together concept.  If this is an annual thing it tells me you haven't been seeing each other even for a year yet as you would have been around for the last one.

I agree with others, you need to figure out why you are feeling so abandoned and lonely.  I mean 5 weeks broken down into a 10 day and 3-week trips throughout the year of not seeing someone shouldn't be detrimental to you or you indicating you don't know how you will handle it.  Missing him, yes, being a little lonely sure, but if this is an annual thing for him, and YOU CAN'T get away to go with him, i don't believe it's fair to make him miss something because you don't want him gone for so long without you so you don't get lonely, especially when you two have separate lives still.

PLUS, if you do get to the point of living together, it may feel differently because you will be with him every other day he isn't away these 5 weeks -- make sense?

There seem to be other issues going on here for you and that's what you need to figure out, jealousy of his friends maybe?  insecurity he isn't missing you like you are missing him, jealousy he can take 5 weeks off to do something he loves, nbut more so it could be that you are worried HE doesn't mind going off for 5 weeks a year leaving you.....etc etc etc.

Once you two become significant and or living together, it could be something he may have to compromise on IF he uses all of his vacation on these 5 weeks of fishing.  I would talk to him after the last trip so he knows of your concerns before he plans the next ones. 

Also, for all you are aware, if he is serious about you or feels you two will become serious, he may already be making plans to cut down on his trips so you two have time for trips.  

It is hard when someone you are getting used to being around suddenly isn't for a time.  Take a deep breath and during those weeks plan things you and he can't or don't want to do together.  For example, go on your own short vacation for a weekend with girlfriends or your kids or hell even by yourself to visit friends or go to a spa or such.   Use the time he is away for you, redecorate the house, catch up on work, do a project time with him has forced you to put off. 

You used to be able to get by without him being there with you, what did you do then?  You obviously put aside things or stopped doing things to make time for him -- pull that stuff back out and enjoy them when he is gone.  It won't be a substitute for him, but it will help make time past faster.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to MissToYouRedux)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 9:24:57 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

This time. The next time it is 3 weeks. I am trying to deal with my feelings about this, and decide how to approach it. How is that melodramatic or passive aggressive?

Long range fishing means long range fishing. Unless I am willing to get dropped off in southern Mexico, I can't just go for a week.


I am pretty sure that they have flights there.

If this was for his job would you feel the same way? Are you afraid that he might be having fun with out you?

You really need to figure out what you CAN do instead of bemoaning all of the things that that you can't do and reasons why you cannot.


_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Separate vacations - 8/28/2011 9:48:06 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		Gee pork chop, are you always this negative?
But to answer your question, nope, not clingy much. Never had that term applied to me before your message, in fact. Probably not clingy enough.
Angel, I appreciate your insight on this. I think I am flashing back to my marriage, which ended precisely because we didn't spend time together. I think my problem is that I am feeling that if I wAnted to be alone, I would have stayed married.
I think what I will do is ask to go on the short trip and ask him to forego the long one in the future. Other spouses and SOs do go on these trips, although they are all marine biologists, so I may feel out of place.
As for asking to get dropped off in southern Mexico, I think I will pass. For one thong, asking the boat to come to shore to drop me off will piss everyone off. They are there to fish, so it would be pretty inconsiderate
Ee
quote:

ORIGINAL: flcouple2009

You really might want to step back and take a long look at things trying to be objective.

Clingy much?



_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to flcouple2009)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 3:48:52 AM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		My old man is an fanatic hunter, when they first got married she (mom) had no interest in hunting, now she goes with him every weekend for whitetail and muledeer season, and yes she hunts too. Mom didnt like him going on trips at first. To fix this riddle, she buissied herself doing things that interested her, that he had no interest in whatsoever. Namely, pedigree. Great Danes. Yah he has to put up with it for most of the year, but he gets to go on those trips and be free of it. It's called compromise. Talk to the man, tell him how you feel. He's not a robot, and he certainly doesn't have ESP. You allready know he does this every year, so you need to start asking yourself if taking away his trips is what you want to aim for, or if you two can work out an arrangement where he takes you somewhere just the two of you, or even better, takes you with him on these fishing excursions. If you don't like to fish or get sea sick easily you might start considering the other options.

_____________________________

Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to MissToYouRedux)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 4:07:40 AM   
DeviantlyD


Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I wouldn't dream of asking him to cancel the trips he has already booked, but I don't know if I can deal with him being at sea 5 weeks a year long term.



Can you elaborate? Why do you believe you can't deal with him being away for 5 weeks out of the year?

If he's been going on these long trips for years before you met, (and I don't know if he has, just speculating), I don't see asking him to forgo future trips as something that's going to fly.

I think, as others have suggested, you need to figure out for yourself why can't deal with him being gone for that period of time. Personally I'd look at it as a time to do those things that don't involve being a couple, such as a girls' night out with friends, doing the whole maintenance thing (hair shaving/pulling/tweezing/waxing, facials, etc.), reading, taking a class, and other such things. But I'm not you, so you would have to figure out what works for you. You mentioned not being able to leave your business for weeks at a time, so I'm guessing that is something that keeps you busy. And if that is so, then even when he's there and available for you, how much time would you spend together?

_____________________________

ExiledTyrant's groupie. Catering to his ego since May 26, 2007. :D

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 5:29:17 AM   
flcouple2009


Posts: 2784
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline 		Gee honey bunny bitchy much?

Really, stop and listen to yourself.  You equate him going off on a fishing trip for 3 weeks as "being alone" in a relationship?  You need to figure out what your issue is. 

Is he going by himself or with friends?  If he is going with friends it does not matter that you can't take the time off.  You are not invited and would not be welcomed.    Thrusting yourself in would do nothing but create havoc and hard feelings.

Something like this in the beginning of a relationship is akin to waving a big flag screaming "I am a fucking psycho".


_____________________________

Do you promise to funk, the whole funk, and nothing but the funk?

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 5:34:55 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		I personally don't believe you are being fair asking him to cancel an annual trip because you go on the other one with him.  I will agree it's something you two should talk about but you are sounding kind of selfish and yes, clingy lol.  The reason i am saying this because it seems the only reason is because you don't like him being gone from you so long.   Unless he is TOTALLY fine with it, it could actually harm your relationship because he could resent your neediness that you deny him something he really enjoys and has been doing annually because you can't entertain yourself for 5 weeks out of the year, 2 weeks and then 3 weeks.

But again, if he is using all of his vacation on these trips wherein you two don't get to go on vacation, then yes, i can see a need for compromise but if he still can go someplace with you, is willing to take you on one of the trips, you really may need to learn to suck it up and entertain yourself the other three weeks.   It's not his fault you can't be away for that time and punishing him because you can't deal with being without him for three weeks seriously seems unfair to me.

angel


_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to DeviantlyD)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 5:40:20 AM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Yes. You knew about the trips away up-front.

Your potential male appears to be someone who has to have his own personal time with his buds. If you care about him a/o want a relationship, you will need to respect that.

To do anything else smacks of "I want to change him," and I suspect we both know how well that works out.



What the lovely ChatteParfaitt said

If my ex and I would have worked out I am pretty sure I also would have had to accept that he needs his view holiday trips which he takes alone abroad...as he simply is that way, that he needs his one week every few few weeks where he is just alone by himself, resting, reading, walking...without others disturbing his quiet space...

As those trips were booked before you even met I think you should take things more easily...now, if that will continue to be without you with the relationship progressing, then it will need to be time for you to decide if you can live with that or not..

Good luck

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 5:42:54 AM   
impishlilhellcat


Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline 		My husband and I take separate trips at times. His work schedule never really correlated to mine. We also, lived apart for three months while I was working in a different area. To make things work when he had days off he visited when I had time I would make the 2 hour trip home and stay the night. The trip thing is fine he does what he wants. I do what I want. It works we both come back happy and well rested. We do take trips together too and make sure to make the times we do have together are a priority. My aunt and her husband do the same thing. Her husband took off for three months to go to Washington to make sailboat sails. They are doing just fine. She made sure she did an extended visit out there when she had some vacation. While it may be hard to be away from the man asking him to give up something he loves doing and is probably a nice little relaxing thing for himself just isn't fair. I've heard you talk about horses and owning them what if he asked you to give up your horses because they take up too much of your time or something as equally as important to you? How would you feel? I think the bottom line is if you want this relationship to work you are going to have to come up with a solution that works for both of you. That may mean trying a couple of things and having them fail before you come to the correct solution.

< Message edited by impishlilhellcat -- 8/29/2011 5:45:37 AM >

_____________________________

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book - Unknown

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 6:49:05 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		His alone time is part of the package. If you cannot deal with that, then find another guy.

Go and conserve fruit in glass, or something - whatever - when he isn't around.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 6:52:38 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

I personally don't believe you are being fair asking him to cancel an annual trip because you go on the other one with him.  I will agree it's something you two should talk about but you are sounding kind of selfish and yes, clingy lol.  The reason i am saying this because it seems the only reason is because you don't like him being gone from you so long.   Unless he is TOTALLY fine with it, it could actually harm your relationship because he could resent your neediness that you deny him something he really enjoys and has been doing annually because you can't entertain yourself for 5 weeks out of the year, 2 weeks and then 3 weeks.

But again, if he is using all of his vacation on these trips wherein you two don't get to go on vacation, then yes, i can see a need for compromise but if he still can go someplace with you, is willing to take you on one of the trips, you really may need to learn to suck it up and entertain yourself the other three weeks.   It's not his fault you can't be away for that time and punishing him because you can't deal with being without him for three weeks seriously seems unfair to me.

angel



This........and pretty much everything else along this line already written in the thread.

OP you are bitching and whining about 35 days out of 365........seriously?!?!?

Fuck all, don't EVER get involved with ANYONE that serves this country in ANY military capacity. Not even on a part time basis because you will be apart from them a lot more than 35 days a year.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 7:07:50 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Am I wrong in not wanting him to go, and telling him that?



Yes.

Maybe you could change your own attitude about it. Try to plan something special for those times - family visits, or saving a good book you've been looking forward to, or visiting a spa or retreat, or cleaning out all the junk drawers in your house and painting the kitchen. He rejuvenates as part of his vacations. You can do the same.

(I do agree with...I'm sorry, I don't remember who said it....that this applies as long as there is also vacation time to be spent with you, as well. If you were in a long-term/committed relationship and he was never going on vacation with you, but always alone or with his fishing pals or whatever? That would be a different story. To be able to spend free time with your partner is not a selfish expectation. To monopolize it is, though.)

Barring that, yes,....you're being clingy. I would feel like I was covered in a layer of suffocating plastic wrap if a partner of mine were to try and change my vacation plans of something I so clearly loved doing.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 7:42:16 AM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline
quote:

Why do you believe you can't deal with him being away for 5 weeks out of the year?
because its a brand fucking new relationship, that's why.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to DeviantlyD)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 8:10:13 AM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		I don't think it is just that Heather. I think it was because I got hit by this train already, when i was married. Some people might think it is fun to have their partner gone, and hang with their friends or be alone for 5 weeks. I got very good at doing my own thing, even went to Europe alone a couple of times, because my ex didn't want to go. I did that for 20 years, and I really want something different for myself this time.
He is taking me bird hunting this fall, so it's not like hanging with the boys is the most important thing to him. And he suggested that I go on one of these fishing trips, someday, so i actually would be welcome.
Not much I can do about it, this is just the way I feel. I will see how i feel when he does the longer trip in November. If the three week trip is a deal killer, so be it.

< Message edited by Iamsemisweet -- 8/29/2011 8:23:38 AM >

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 8:11:23 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Your feelings are what they are, I don't see the use of saying that you shouldn't be having the feelings of loneliness when he's gone or the apprehension of being without him. I freaking hate it when someone....usually the man in my life....tries telling me I shouldn't feel as I do about whatever. New relationships are always intense. I personally hate that out of control feeling, thank goodness it settles down with time.

I wouldn't sweat it for now. You knew about the trips going in, you probably thought at the time that it would be fine because you didn't expect to have the ties to him that have developed. So now let him know about it. Maybe he's feeling the same. Maybe he'll want to change things up, or not. It was there when things started yes, but that doesn't mean things can't evolve in that area like it's evolving in the rest of the relationship. You won't give it a chance to evolve though if you keep it to yourself. Even if nothing happens to change the outcome, I kind of think he's entitled to know how you are feeling. I'm not saying to throw yourself at his feet or be overly dramatic about him going...just a well placed comment or two can do the trick. Give him a chance to work this out with you, even if it's not going to change. Then you'll know one way or the other.

One thing I'd keep in mind is that with time things will most likely change. The desperate falling off a cliff feelings generally mellow out, thank god. If you are finding it hard now, there's no law that says you will find it the same in 2 years time and you might actually welcome some away time then. Generally...I am of the mind that successful couples are those who share as many activities as possible without living in each other's back pocket. That idea is also carried out in studies and research on why some relationships work and others don't.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 8:14:06 AM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		LOL. Don't worry, I won't . I also wouldn't be involved with a long haul trucker, or pretty much anyone who was going to be gone for long periods of time. Already. Did. That.
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel



This........and pretty much everything else along this line already written in the thread.

OP you are bitching and whining about 35 days out of 365........seriously?!?!?

Fuck all, don't EVER get involved with ANYONE that serves this country in ANY military capacity. Not even on a part time basis because you will be apart from them a lot more than 35 days a year.



_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 8:25:15 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I don't think it is just that Heather. I think it was because I got hit by this train already, when i was married. Some people might think it is fun to have their partner gone, and hang with their friends or be alone for 5 weeks. I got very good at doing my own thing, even went to Europe alone a couple of times, because my ex didn't want to go. I did that for 20 years, and I really want something different for myself this time.
He is taking me bird hunting this fall, so it's not like hanging with the boys is the most important thing to him.


Ugh, just finished the other post and saw this and wanted to add to this part of the discussion. I had a good, yet separate relationship with my ex. In the end we didn't make it, much to my sorrow. I don't want that again. I have been in a relationship now for about 2 1/2 years that is quite different in the way that we share a multitude of activities together. All I can say is I can see the difference now after having both kinds of things and I'll never go back to being together yet apart. Just by the fact of sharing the same space you have the immediate closeness, plus you also build memories that the two of you will revisit continually. It just seems to me that things with someone can be much stronger if you share activities and space with them as much as you can without getting tired of them.

Edit*  I wanted to add that I've taken up a lot of 'his' activities and found myself enjoying them very much. He does things for me too and will plan things that he knows I'll get more out of than he will. We both just make the effort to not just be together...but to share something around us as well. It's been tremendous in solidifying what we have together and I am enjoying the heck out of our time together. Even when it's something i kind of hate, like some kind of physical endurance thing that he adores...I don't know, I get something out of it in the end. I'll start out doing it for him, but in the end I always seem to enjoy it for myself and it does something for us as well as a couple.

< Message edited by lizi -- 8/29/2011 8:34:18 AM >

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 8:32:23 AM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		hannah hannah hannah hannah hannah

for fuck's sake heather's the cute nice one, i'm the rangy fucking bitch. get it fucking straight!!


_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 8:33:10 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

LOL. Don't worry, I won't . I also wouldn't be involved with a long haul trucker, or pretty much anyone who was going to be gone for long periods of time. Already. Did. That.
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel



This........and pretty much everything else along this line already written in the thread.

OP you are bitching and whining about 35 days out of 365........seriously?!?!?

Fuck all, don't EVER get involved with ANYONE that serves this country in ANY military capacity. Not even on a part time basis because you will be apart from them a lot more than 35 days a year.




Certainly it's not for everyone. Generic Dude and I have been putting up with one another for over 20 years. We usually take separate vacations and have dramatically different interests and hobbies. We have found a way to make all of our differentness, work. It's like Felix and Oscar, seriously.

The thing about this for you is......do NOT expect him to change for you. Either you find a way to accept his guy trips or you find someone that you are more compatible with. As for going along.......unless he invites you.......don't go there. Just don't. Guy trips are just that.......for the guys. They don't want you along. It would weird them out and ruin the trip.

As much as I would dearly LOVE to go walleye fishing at the Boundary Waters with G.D. I would never ever ask. Of course if I tossed a fit, I would go. But I already know that it would seriously fuck that shit right up. It's a guy trip. They get to be guys. No showering, playing cards, smoke stinky cigars, getting fall down fucking drunk, make all sorts of disgusting lewd jokes, fart, and just be gross guys. For whatever reason they need that guy time. My insisting to go would just totally fuck it up for them.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Separate vacations - 8/29/2011 8:34:16 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I'm sorry.. but that post made me think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yZHveWFvqM

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: Separate vacations Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109