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Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 8:58:24 PM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		So, i started this "training" relationship with a Dom i met here.  He is otherwise a good Dom, but He is pretty consistently late.  He has also not called me until the last second to cancel at least two meetings over the last three months.  As a sub, and, as a human being with a life, i believe that i am entitled to normal consideration of my time and my life.  i thought Doms were supposed to be in complete control of themselves (and be adults).
Comments?
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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:04:25 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		if you think that's what makes someone a dom just because they call themselves you'd be sorely wrong. lol

Would you put up with lateness from anyone else who didn't call themselves a dom? If not then why are you holding a different standard to him??

Personally habitual lateness drives me insane and thus why I found someone who makes it a habit to be early and not late unless it's beyond his control.

Have you talked to this "dom" and told him your problem with it? If not then there's your start.



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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:05:09 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

i thought Doms were supposed to be in complete control of themselves (and be adults).
Doms are people, people have lives, lives involve dealing with the rest of the world, the rest of the world is not always so understanding of one's plans and schedules. Perhaps you should talk to him about it and see if this is the case.


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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:08:41 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I can't say what he is doing is right or wrong as there aren't enough details to form any type of opinion on, but I will tell you that if you were mine and came a whining about anything before speaking to me... you would be sitting on a curb.

You're an adult. Use your head.


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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:09:00 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		The "complete" control thing is kind of bunk.  Do I leave for a half hour drive two hours early
because there *might* be road construction or a traffic accident?  Do I ever have reasons to stay after work?  Do I sometimes have last minute errands that have to be attended to immediately?

Being in control of a dynamic does *not* mean you control the world around you.  Other responsibilities do have a place in My life.

Making no effort whatsoever to be on time would be another story. 

For fun, a few things that have honestly happened to Me........

Had a car wreck on the way to pick up a sub for a munch.

Had to cancel being at a party because it snowed in California for the first time in ten years.

Had to pull plans to go out of town to show some folks how to use a wand because of heavy rain and flooding.

Skip events due to deaths in the family.

It was the Dominant in Me that chose where My time was really necessary.


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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:10:04 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Doms are people, they have faults like anyone. Yeah, sure, they're supposed to be in control of themselves but that means different things to different people- obviously to this guy he doesn't feel the need to be on time. It's up to you whether to accept it or not. I wouldn't, I detest people who are continually late and have been known to leave the situation where I was waiting and go do other things.

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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:11:16 PM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		@ littlewonder.

Thanks for Your response...i have a life, work, etc., like anyone else, yet mangae to be on time and if i am not, i call well in advance of the time i am supposed to arrive. Never could understand why people who are late think that their time is more valuable than mine...No, i would not find it acceptable from a vanilla person.  Just before this post, i sent Him an e-mail expressing my feelings about the situation...

< Message edited by gorgeoushair -- 8/30/2011 9:12:42 PM >

(in reply to Arpig)
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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:15:04 PM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline 		I'm not going to speak to his last-minute cancellations because that is actually kind of messed up. I will speak to the issue of lateness, however. I'll admit I'm one of those people who is incapable of being on time. Mostly I'm late, occasionally I'm early, but almost never am I on time. As I would like to think you're already aware, it has nothing to do with self-control, and much more to do with A) the value you place on punctuality and B) the degree of other things you have going on in your mind. If you care greatly about punctuality and/or have very little to think about, you're mostly going to be on time to things because that's a major thread in your thought patterns. If you care less and/or have a great deal on your mind, you're mostly not going to be because it isn't.

To me punctuality is right up there with neatness on the list of things I could not care less about. If it's something that actually needs to happen on a schedule (IE a play or concert) I'm always on time, but if it's a matter of your chilling at the bar and having a vodka tonic for a quarter hour instead of me being there precisely when you are my mind is going to be everywhere but on when I need to leave to arrive at X time because I do actually have things to think about that are important. I'm constantly focused on whatever project I'm working on, on several academic topics I'm contemplating, and usually several more concrete day-to-day concerns, and I'm not going to push that aside so that I can have a dedicated "Where should I be at this time" mental thread. It's just not worth it.

So the short version is: I'm not late because I can't control my desire for lateness, I'm late because being on time is overrated in most cases. If you need your dom to be perfectly on time, that sounds like a control issue to me. You may want to examine that when you have some mental energy to spare from your exhaustive schedule-keeping.

EDIT: First paragraph was odd.


< Message edited by Epytropos -- 8/30/2011 9:21:56 PM >

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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:15:06 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		That's crap. What if you were always late? Would that be acceptable to him?

Also, why is he consistently late? And why does he cancel at the last minute? Is he juggling someone else and playing you off against her/him to hook with whoever he thinks is more fun in the moment, saving you for the backup? Married or have something else to hide?

I wouldn't tolerate this lack of consideration from anyone. Call him on it and tell him 'your old ways ain't workin' anymore. Clean it up or leave.'

(in reply to gorgeoushair)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:16:32 PM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		@ lizzi -
Thanks for Your response.  i agree that Doms have their faults.  Unfortunately, a fault that pretty consistently takes up hours of my time on this earth is not really acceptable.  If He is not willing or able to adjust His way of handling himself and/or his schedule, this will not be the D/s relationship for me. 

(in reply to gorgeoushair)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:20:53 PM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		@ Epy -
Thanks for you informative reply. i am not talking about 15 minutes, or traffic problems, or emergencies. Nor is this about excessive schedule keeping.  I believe, as an adult, that your time is as valuable as mine, so i am on time.  i would like the same consideration.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:23:47 PM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		@ Mistress -
Thanks, i did that in an e-mail (not in those exact words...) to Him just before i posted this thread.  It will be interesting to hear His response (if He has one and/or does not terminate the "training relationship" such as it is...).

(in reply to gorgeoushair)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:25:47 PM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		@Lady -

This is a pretty consistent problem. i would not be bothered by emergencies, occasional lateness, etc.  Thanks for Your response.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:28:06 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		It seems you have as much respect for him as he... according to you, has for you. What is more adult? His being late or canceling for whatever reasons... with how many visits or whatever made on time or your not discussing this with him... not just an email before you post, and coming to find out what is right and fair?

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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:28:19 PM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		@ Lockit -

This is an issue of consistent lateness.  BTW, although it is not relevant, i am in the process of discussing this with Him.  Am awaiting a response to a recent e-mail i sent. Should be interesting...Thanks for Your response.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:31:58 PM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		@ Lockit -

i am not relying upon, nor would i ever rely upon, what people post here to detemine what is right or wrong (not terms i would use in this situation).  i have taken appropriate action.  i am, however, interested in other people's experience, ideas, etc.  i might learn something new...thanks for your response.

(in reply to gorgeoushair)
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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:36:52 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Lady you are sixty four years old and you need to know others experiences to figure out what's going on here?

He may be a disrespectful jerk, jerking you around, but then you haven't shown much maturity or respect either.

In my experience, if there is a problem, you discuss it with your partner of whatever status. This isn't rocket science and real hard to understand. You already knew how you felt about this dom that had you in training. You wanted more respect for your time. You needed affirmation on that?


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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:41:47 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		FR
i have friends who are consistently late. Just the way they are. I'm the completely opposite, i'm disgustingly early all the time.

My guy would listen to me and understand but in the end, if he is going to be late, he's going to be late. Do i want to lose him over his tardiness? No. I'll just plan on him being late and go with it. It's his show

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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:43:23 PM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline 		What exactly are you talking about, then? If my response does not speak to it then I'm going to need some more specifics.

I'll reply to the remainder of your post when I know more about this situation, because I hate to expound any further if I'm completely off base on the facts.


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They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to gorgeoushair)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 9:50:44 PM   
gorgeoushair


Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline 		@ annie -
Thanks for Your response.  He just admitted to His lateness (and that it is not a good thing).  Left it up to me to decide whether or not to continue.  i replied that i felt He was letting Himself off the hook by making it my decision, unless He was saying that He has no interest in altering His conduct in order to continue a relationship He says He enjoys...i said i thought the question was whether or not he was interested in/willing to alter His conduct in order to continue (especially since He agrees/admits it is a problem that He has manifested)....to be continued...

(in reply to Epytropos)
Profile   Post #: 20
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