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TreasureKY -> RE: Would you be less inclined to submit to a man who'd been raped? (9/17/2011 8:10:08 PM)
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This is one of those threads that I just knew I'd regret reading, but I've been pleasantly surprised... mostly, anyway. [;)]
Please keep in mind that my thoughts in this area are strictly hypothetical in nature because I am in a committed lifetime relationship and have no related history upon which to draw. Nevertheless, I know myself fairly well and have a decent understanding of human nature.
That being said...
First, with regard to the title question, "Would you be less inclined to submit to a man who'd been raped?"
No. Someone being the victim of a violent crime has nothing to do with their qualifications as a dominant in my mind.
Concerning the scenario laid out in the op, there are several factors that have been brought up by others that come to mind.
1) Would I submit to someone who had been in prison? Probably not. I only submit to someone with whom I am in an intimate and personal relationship, and it is unlikely that I would be willing to allow that relationship to form with someone with that kind of background. That is, of course, unless there was a significant amount of time and sufficient history since that time to make up for it. Never say "never", however.
2) Would I be more attracted or feel instinctive revulsion? Depends upon the man and how it has affected him. I am not attracted to anyone with a victim mentality. I am not attracted to anyone with a chip on their shoulder. I am not attracted to anyone who lacks confidence in themselves. Should this man's behavior display any of the above, I would likely feel some revulsion.
3) Would a man be right to conceal the information? I don't feel it is my place to demand what someone reveals or does not reveal to me concerning their life. If it negatively affects who they are and how they behave, however, we won't end up in a relationship.
Concerning some of the issues that have been raised in the ensuing discussion...
I didn't get the impression from the OP that his question was about whether you'd think less of a man because he'd been raped. It also didn't appear to me that the issue was a question of homophobic reaction... whether a woman would be less sexually attracted to a man who'd been forced into a homosexual relationship. Rather, I read it more as a question of whether a submissive would feel the man's dominant nature was somehow compromised.
With this in mind, I would say that I believe it would matter to me only if the dominant allowed it to affect his confidence. A dominant without confidence, to me, is handicapped.
While I, as many submissive types do, like to think of my dominant as a "force to be reckoned with" in my world... impregnable, resolute, and infallible... I recognize that idea is just a fantasy. He is my hero, but he's also human. It would be unfair of me to expect him to be undefeatable.
As to the assertion that any woman who lacks sexual attraction toward males who are bi-sexual or have willingly had homosexual encounters, is prejudiced or a bigot, I'm afraid I will have to disagree. Primarily because I understand that those words have specific meanings, and I do not consider the definitions applicable on the sole basis of sexual attraction.
Consider, if you will, my sexual disinterest in bi-sexual men. I have no prejudice (negative judgement or opinion) toward bi-sexual men. I do not think less of them, I am not revolted by them, nor do I wish to avoid them. Personally, aside from not caring one whit what people get up to in the privacy of their own sexual lives and with whom, I have no problem with having a bi-sexual doctor, next-door neighbor, minister, grocer, co-worker, or best friend. I am simply not interested in having an intimate relationship with a bi-sexual man.
Why? Because deep down, I want to be everything for my partner. I want to be for him everything that he desires sexually... everything that attracts him and makes him horny.
Is that realistic? No, but the closer I can get, the more comfortable I am.
If I were with a bi-sexual man, it would be with the knowledge that there are physical and emotional aspects of men that sexually appeal to him. I cannot, in any stretch of my imagination, even begin to pretend that I have a penis, or large biceps, or rugged features, or any other physical or masculine characteristic that may entrance my would-be, bi-sexual partner.
In my mind, I would always and forever be sexually deficient.
That is not to say that I am incapable of understanding that my would-be, bi-sexual partner would not be perfectly content with me and only me. But a fundamental part of me is unwilling to risk such a hard-wired piece of incompatibility. I think I'd feel the same if I knew that my partner wasn't generally sexually attracted to brunettes, but instead, blondes. I'd feel like a consolation prize... second choice.
Of course, I'm not naive enough to think that I am truly my partners sun and moon when it comes to sexual attraction. Fortunately, I am close enough for my own comfort and there is much more to our relationship. It is that part where I am close enough for my own comfort that I seek... that is just not possible for me with a man who I know harbors sexual attraction for masculine characteristics. It is that part that would dampen my sexual attraction toward a man (keeping in mind that I am monogamous in nature and my sexual interest extends only so far as the realistic possibility of a committed relationship.)
Interestingly enough, looking back over my lifetime, once any potential partner was eliminated from consideration, any sexual attraction for them was gone. Maybe I'm strange in that respect and most other people still lust after their ex's.
Speaking of ex's... like most things in life, nothing is black and white, and there are exceptions. Shortly after my ex and I were married, he revealed to me that he had had a sexual encounter with another man. I would be lying if I said that I was perfectly comfortable with that knowledge, however, we were already in a committed relationship and there were plenty of other reasons for my discomfort to be submerged. Our relationship went on to last for twenty-two years and our break-up had nothing whatsoever to do with that issue, so, I do know that it is possible to overcome this type of situation.
I just would never have willingly entered into it.
I do think it is very unfair to label someone unwilling to risk their own sexual comfort as bigoted. As has been pointed out, bigotry is intolerance or hatred based on a prejudice. I harbor no hatred nor am I intolerant of bi-sexual or gay men. I'm just not comfortable entering into an intimate relationship with them. Because they aren't potential partners for me, I have no sexual attraction to them.
I will point out what I feel to be the difference between appreciation for attractiveness and sexual attraction. There are loads of people in this world I find attractive... for both physical and personality reasons. But that doesn't mean that I find them sexually attractive.
To me, "sexually attracted" means when I see someone I think, "I'd like to have sexual relations with them!" Whether that leads to an ongoing relationship depends upon other factors.
There are many, many women who I see and think, "My! They are beautiful!" But I don't ever wonder how we'd be together sexually. I never have a desire to kiss their lush lips or run my hands over their curves. I don't have any desire to know them carnally. Same for lots of men I see.
For me, it basically all boils down to "what floats your boat". Everyone has their preferences, and everyone has their reasons for having preferences. I don't think it is right to judge anothers preferences without knowing them well enough to know their reasons. In my personal opinion, however, it isn't often that a person in question even knows him or herself well enough to understand their own preferences.
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