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ORIGINAL: RexDarcy

LP, We Sadists can't forsee the outcome any better than We do on anything else. All We can do is make sure that We are realistic with what We are doing now and be realistic with the potential outcome(s).

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I guess I'm a little lost as why she thought that the "all I need is you" line was the reality of the matter.

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ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

I'm gonna ask it. I've been wondering this since last night: How in the world does someone f**k you (even if you're sleeping) without you knowing anything? And who in the world pops birth control pills two and three at a time?

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I've been wondering this since last night: How in the world does someone f**k you (even if you're sleeping) without you knowing anything?

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And who in the world pops birth control pills two and three at a time?

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I would immediately pop 2-3 birth control pills that I had stashed away from before we were married....I was determined to go back to work and get out.  Around my son's first birthday I realized I was pregnant again

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ORIGINAL: Arpig

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I would immediately pop 2-3 birth control pills that I had stashed away from before we were married....I was determined to go back to work and get out.  Around my son's first birthday I realized I was pregnant again

As I said before...stupid is as stupid does.

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ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

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ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
That is actually the easiest thing in BDSM to determine. The line between BDSM and abuse is concent, plain and simple.

I don't think it's quite that simple.  Sometimes, people give consent to abusive situations.  They don't realize until later in the relationship that they're being abused.

Just peruse the archives of this board.  Lots of people have shared stories about how they let others do things to them that they now regret.  Many of them even have psychological scars from the experiences. Newbies, in particular, are prone to let people do things that a more experienced person would never have allowed.  But sometimes, people don't realize just how bad their situation is until it's too late.  I think the OP may have been such a case.

There are lots of people who ended up in abusive situations who gave their consent.  But that doesn't change the fact that it was abusive nevertheless.  Moreover, the consent argument would never stand in a court of law.

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ORIGINAL: Arpig

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That is actually the easiest thing in BDSM to determine. The line between BDSM and abuse is concent, plain and simple.

Ah, so in the OP's case it wasn't abuse at all then, because she consented for 10 years. Or did it become abuse only at the end when she stopped consenting? And is that change somehow retroactive? What wasn't abuse for 10 years because she consented to it is now abuse because she changed her mind after the fact?

See, really anything but easy.

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Tell a judge that if you were the one doing the whipping and some sad, tear stained face, with the scars to prove otherwise is telling her sad story of abuse.

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ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

I'm just going to go ahead and keep my mouth shut now.

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ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
Actually, please don't.  You made a very valid point.  It's one of the quandaries of BDSM.  A sub/slave can cry "abuse", and they'll often have the scars to prove it.

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ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

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ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

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ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
That is actually the easiest thing in BDSM to determine. The line between BDSM and abuse is concent, plain and simple.

I don't think it's quite that simple.  Sometimes, people give consent to abusive situations.  They don't realize until later in the relationship that they're being abused.

Just peruse the archives of this board.  Lots of people have shared stories about how they let others do things to them that they now regret.  Many of them even have psychological scars from the experiences. Newbies, in particular, are prone to let people do things that a more experienced person would never have allowed.  But sometimes, people don't realize just how bad their situation is until it's too late.  I think the OP may have been such a case.

There are lots of people who ended up in abusive situations who gave their consent.  But that doesn't change the fact that it was abusive nevertheless.  Moreover, the consent argument would never stand in a court of law.

You can go back and cry abuse on a lot of things in BDSM and yes it does look bad when that happens but that doesnt change the fact that if I concented to being whipped it wasn't abuse when it was happening.

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ORIGINAL: StacyLostnSpace

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ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

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ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

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ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
That is actually the easiest thing in BDSM to determine. The line between BDSM and abuse is concent, plain and simple.

I don't think it's quite that simple.  Sometimes, people give consent to abusive situations.  They don't realize until later in the relationship that they're being abused.

Just peruse the archives of this board.  Lots of people have shared stories about how they let others do things to them that they now regret.  Many of them even have psychological scars from the experiences. Newbies, in particular, are prone to let people do things that a more experienced person would never have allowed.  But sometimes, people don't realize just how bad their situation is until it's too late.  I think the OP may have been such a case.

There are lots of people who ended up in abusive situations who gave their consent.  But that doesn't change the fact that it was abusive nevertheless.  Moreover, the consent argument would never stand in a court of law.

You can go back and cry abuse on a lot of things in BDSM and yes it does look bad when that happens but that doesnt change the fact that if I concented to being whipped it wasn't abuse when it was happening.

I understand why this thread is scary and/or angers many of you, everyone, dom and sub,  takes a risk when playing in this realm...it's hard to pick out the ones that are here for the wrong reasons.

I am not saying that the beginning consensual BDSM(spanking, whipping, bondage, etc) was abuse. After it was made clear that he felt 'safe words' didn't matter or he got so caught up in the moment that he 'didn't hear' safe words. I told him no more, if he had no control over himself he had no control over me...consensual BDSM(for us) was shelved that night..he cried and begged or forgiveness and threatened to kill himself(again), but he indicated that he understood that he 'blew it' at that point and was going to do whatever it took to save the marriage. Anything that happened after that he explained away as him not being able to control his 'controlling nature' or need 'to inflict pain'..which I stupidly explained away as insecurity/self esteem issues/mommy issues or blamed myself.

One night I woke up to him raping me holding a pillow over my face(6 years after the 'no more BDSM for you with me' convo and hundreds of others to remind him those 'rights/privileges' were taken away), luckily adrenalin kicked in and I was able to fight him off of me before I passed out(or worse) and he knew that he had done something very wrong at that moment and started damage control..you'll have to forgive me if I consider that incident assault and abuse though..I am not going to explain that away  based on consent given and then taken away years earlier. The only reason I didn't flee that night was because I didn't want to slap a rape and attempted murder charge onto the father of my children(they didn't need to live with that knowledge about their father and I didn't want my life under the magnifying glass since I was still heavily invested in 'keeping secrets')..I did pack my 'go bag' though and started working on an escape plan on my own since the local shelter would require me to press charges in order to help me and my children.

I am still on the fence about bringing up the physical abuse/rapes(yes there were more than one) during the divorce proceedings.....part of me wants to let people know that he is dangerous, another part of me feels that I do shoulder some blame and somehow brought it upon myself or didn't try hard enough to 'fix' him...it's not a good place to be. He labels himself a 'sadist' at this point...so I'm not sure if that absolves me of any duty to  officially/publicly label him as 'dangerous' since that is what he and the girlfriend are 'selling' in their profiles on this site anyway...I am just worried about anyone that he finds off-site, where his intentions are not so clear.

And in response to those that mentioned that I posted this somewhere that he could find it and use it against me...well if he wants to do that he is welcome to do that...in the process he exposes himself as an abuser to the world on public record and to be honest it just might be time to get everything out into the open so everyone can fix themselves and get the healing started. Right now I am sticking to anonymous forum posts or counseling sessions unless he tries to physically hurt me again.

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ORIGINAL: Awareness

  You almost sound like you're rationalising staying.   You need to get out.  Read this:  http://bit.ly/i2RQVB

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ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

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ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I'm going to try and not be harsh....but....you had multiple opportunities along the way to end this before it became such a trainwreck.
I don't see it as abuse at all.
I see you as an enabler who allowed him to do whatever he wanted and now you're suddenly surprised.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

Aileen it's one thing to see this from the point of view of someone reading about everything that happened rather than the person who lived it. The insidious thing about abuse is the ability of the abuser to suck the person he's abusing back into the "relationship" when s/he is ready to leave.

Yes there were red flags and yes she didn't act on them. That's why she's writing, so that maybe someone will see herself in this and act before going through what she did.

LadyP: I disagree I think she needs both. Going public with her abuse might well be cathartic and help someone else. One of the problems with abuse is that it isn't talked about. If anything we need more women coming forward with their stories so that it isn't hidden. Abusers count on their victims to stay silent, the more it's talked about the more women will have the courage to come forward, the fewer abusers out there who have power over their victims.

OP I thank you for the courage to get your story out there. I hope that at least your telling it will help someone avoid what you went through. Do please act on the advice several people have given you and get counselling.

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ORIGINAL: Awareness

You almost sound like you're rationalising staying.   You need to get out.  Read this:  http://bit.ly/i2RQVB