April425
Posts: 30
Joined: 9/8/2011
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Awareness
People, let's not get too self-righteous here. People of all stripes make mistakes and once the cycle of abuse starts, it's psychologically difficult to end it. The systematic destruction of the esteem necessary to end it is usually one of the first casualties of this kind of relationship.
I think she realises she fucked up and this exercise is more cathartic than anything else. Dissecting the author's complicity in her own demise strikes me as a little self-indulgent.
I agree with Awareness on this. Being emotionally detached from a situation makes it easy for others to make a total appeal to logic, but then, it's not their emotions involved. Things like Hedda Nessbaum happen as a result of this kind of dynamic. Some people are not "wired" in such a way to ever find themselves in this kind of predicament, so it becomes harder for some to identify with you.
I too, believe you will benefit most from counseling and not waiting for after your divorce, as this is the time of great stress. It will give you support and perspective. Both of which is currently in short supply.
Here’s how i would do it, if I were you. If you don’t have insurance, first contact your county’s mental health center, or dial 211 for local resources. If you wish to check to see if 211 exists in your area (I am presuming you are an American, if not, your location may have similar resources) check out: http://www.211.org/
and http://211us.org/faq.htm for more information about 211 programs. These are often supported by United Way.
When you call, you should be able to get the phone numbers of different resources, including aid resources and whether or not your city or county has counseling services, and especially if there is a sliding scale. It sounds like you are in dire financial straights, so you should probably qualify.
Ask too, for a battered women’s support group. By now, you do not need a woman’s shelter or help “escaping” and you should allow yourself to feel some relief over having gotten as far as you have, find gratitude for these small victories, as one by one, they will form the basis of your ultimate freedom, and take some solace in that you have already gotten through a very dangerous time (the physical split). So yes, some day you will be able to look back on this from a far better place, but without counseling you may get stuck.
Battered women’s support groups will give you so much insight, so go, go, go if one’s available. It’s practically free counseling, even better in some unique ways and even though, i personally, am not a group joiner, if i were you I would choose this to be the one exception you are balking at going. Consider how it felt to have everyone here hear your story, now imagine it with the full support of other women who have endured what you have (and some, even worse).
Some goals would be, and it’s the reason you ought to make counseling/women’s groups a priority, first to get through this rough divorce transition & heal in order to be there for your 2 boys, 2nd to heal so that you do not go through any more of your life living in pain and regret over your mistakes (throwing good after bad for the 10 years already lost), the idea of wanting to see him “pay for it” for the damage he’s done, it will eat you up if you let it. And chances are he will never “pay” in any concrete way. This is key to letting go. Consider how you do not wish to waste any more of your life stuck inside that emotional hell. You are and have been a victim. But when you begin to heal, you will not want to bear the weight of “victimhood” as part of your identity. Think how greatly you dislike being a “victim” and be proactive in not allowing yourself not to be trapped in considering yourself a victim. you may not be ready for that yet, but you will regret it more in the future if you don’t begin to try to reshape your thinking about your experience.
It sounds harsh after what you’ve been through to say that, but it’s a trap to hold onto victimhood, because it retards your healing. And imo, it is one more way you keep yourself trapped in a place you don’t wish to be in any longer. You have so much to regret and ruminate over, it’s important you are involved with others like you who can show you the way toward getting out of that mentality. Another is, you do not want to let him ruin you for all men. It would be just one more way that you “let him win” - when you realize your personal growth is affected by a desire to one day be open to love or enjoy relationships with men. So don’t let his actions affect how you feel about the entire male gender, that would be yet another tragic loss, it’s experiences like this that lead to misogyny and man-hating & that’s tragically wrong... don’t let him have any further control over your life and your happiness. I believe this is key to escaping victimhood. You’ll know when you are ready to let go of your mourning (and everybody does at different rates) but remember, ruminating is not healing. Counseling can give you a positive construct towards healing.
I wish you good luck and hope you find some friends in those groups as well. To come out the other side and become a whole person again, or perhaps for the very first time.
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RE: Abuse in BDSM clothing - 
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