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For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 1:42:07 AM   
Arwyn89


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/21/2011
Status: offline 		Hey all. I'm new here, hi.

So my predicament. I'm a 22 year old female currently living with my boyfriend of a year. Throughout the relationship we've both expressed interest in BDSM with myself leaning towards submissive and him towards dominant. Now, I've met a few other dominant men over the years but my boyfriend does not seem like one. He gets angry easily, usually assumed others are out to get him and never has any initiative on ideas. So it's usually that when we've tried to set aside time to play, I'm always having to give him the ideas. Always.

It gets a bit exhausting, especially because I have no experience and am looking for it. He won't share, even if I were to find a dominant who could train me in a non-sexual arrangement. So I'm a bit stuck.

In the past I've suggested that maybe we could restrict our D/s interactions to the bedroom but that turned into him just demanding sex and getting pissed off if I said I wasn't in the mood, claiming that I was going back on my wanting to be submissive. I know, it's a giant clusterfuck. Heh.

Anyway, I've considered directing him to this board but I know he will say he will check it out but then just forget about it. Long story short, does anyone think he is just lying about the dominant thing or actually able to be taught?

Sorry for the wall of text. Please, let me know if I can clarify anything. My thoughts are a bit scrambled.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 1:57:52 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		sounds like he could possibly be dominant but maybe that you are just not submissive to his desires.

You tell him you're not in the mood.
He tells you to come up with ideas. You get upset by that.
He does what he wants but you want something else......

See my point?



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RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 1:59:18 AM   
ClassIsInSession


Posts: 305
Joined: 7/26/2010
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like you're going to have to make a decision and he will too.

You're going to have to decide if your relationship is worth enduring the training it would take him to be a real dominant. Obviously it isn't just about being demanding during sex.

He will have to decide if he wants to actual learn the ins and outs of being a real dominant.

You're decision will likely be affected by his...

(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 2:01:00 AM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		Oh Littlewonder...I think I might love you. You just said everything I wanted to, but so much nicer than I would have said it. I really am more about pain and someone else doing the dishes, but if I told my pet to "lick this" and he said he wasn't in the mood I would toss him out quicker than he could ask me why

ETA- There is NO one true way. No one has the right to say what a true dominant is or what is not.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 9/21/2011 2:03:09 AM >

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RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 2:16:42 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Your situation would not work for Me.  "Not in the mood" is not a sufficient answer for Me.  I do require more than somebody just not feeling like it as a reason not to submit.

At the same time, I'm not seeing a whole lot here that is inspiring your submission, especially with some of the behaviors that are being mentioned.  I feel your frustration over the lack of imagination or initiative.  (I never understand either of these traits in a Dominant.  Does not compute.)  There's a big disconnect when he's supposed to be leading, but isn't doing so.

He doesn't necessarily need to share, but I think he could benefit from a learning experience.  That could be here or in your local BDSM community.  He might see something that interests him and that would allow him to start coming up with ideas that he likes or things that he wants to try without you being the motivator.  Of course, he has to take those steps.  You can't do it for him.  Otherwise, it's still not really him leading and you're still at square one.


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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 2:19:53 AM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline 		Before you go any further you have to figure out what sort of dominant you want, just what is it that you mean when you say you want to be submissive, and he needs to figure out what he means by being dominant and what sort of submissive he wants. Then compare notes to see if there is any convergence. If there is, then you both have a basis on which to proceed. If not, it's just going to work no matter how badly you want it to. In that case you have to decide which you want more, him or a dominant.

BDSM is not one size fits all.

(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 2:25:16 AM   
NocturnalStalker


Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arwyn89

Hey all. I'm new here, hi.

So my predicament. I'm a 22 year old female currently living with my boyfriend of a year. Throughout the relationship we've both expressed interest in BDSM with myself leaning towards submissive and him towards dominant. Now, I've met a few other dominant men over the years but my boyfriend does not seem like one. He gets angry easily, usually assumed others are out to get him and never has any initiative on ideas. So it's usually that when we've tried to set aside time to play, I'm always having to give him the ideas. Always.

It gets a bit exhausting, especially because I have no experience and am looking for it. He won't share, even if I were to find a dominant who could train me in a non-sexual arrangement. So I'm a bit stuck.

In the past I've suggested that maybe we could restrict our D/s interactions to the bedroom but that turned into him just demanding sex and getting pissed off if I said I wasn't in the mood, claiming that I was going back on my wanting to be submissive. I know, it's a giant clusterfuck. Heh.

Anyway, I've considered directing him to this board but I know he will say he will check it out but then just forget about it. Long story short, does anyone think he is just lying about the dominant thing or actually able to be taught?

Sorry for the wall of text. Please, let me know if I can clarify anything. My thoughts are a bit scrambled.


If you call that a wall of text, stick around and you'll see skyscrapers of text. 

As for your situation, have you both considered to simply put the whole BDSM idea on hold for now?  From what I'm getting it looks like it may be causing strain on your relationship and doing more harm than good. 

Nobody is an apparent dominant or submissive.  I could be the cockiest, most arrogant, condescending son-of-a-bitch you know but then go home and get spanked by a woman with a paddle.  He might just assume the role of dominant due to lack of knowledge on the subject but see it as his duty "as a man."  My suggestion would be to both find time to try out two different sides.  One day you become dominant, other day he is, and see which one works best for you both and go from there.






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RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 2:33:42 AM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline 		I agree with littlewonder. I don't know this guy or your interaction, but having seen you here today I can tell you he's not the only problem.

You're upset that he isn't dominant, and yet every single instance we have of his attempting to control something you're using as evidence of his not being dominant. If you really want to be submissive in your relationship there is no "not in the mood." That isn't a thing you get to be anymore. There's no more "he should be ____ for me," there is no more "directing him" anywhere, there's no more any of that. That's the whole point - he calls the shots. Above all else there is no more "can he be taught?" bullshit. If you want him to be dominant you need to be a good girl and quit undercutting him every time he tries.

Treat him like a lord and he just might become one; treat him like a servant who needs to find a way to meet your needs and you will probably end up with neither a dominant nor a servant.


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I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to NocturnalStalker)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 4:44:26 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		The guy sounds like a bit of a jerk, but you also sound like you're trying to sabotague any effort he makes at being dominant. Maybe what you really want is just a fetish delivery system that does what you want, when you want it, without having to obey or be submissive to what it wants? I'd suggest a dildo.

He can't be dominant because you keep removing that ability from him. Being submissive isn't about what you want, it's about yes... giving in to his demands, to please him. At least give it a try, if submitting is not for you then maybe all you're actually looking for is kinky sex, in which case you should be honest with him instead of frustrating him.

(in reply to Epytropos)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 5:28:31 AM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

He gets angry easily, usually assumed others are out to get him
  For me this is a huge red flag for any relationship I have been in.     Suffice to say anger and dominance don't mix well together.  

(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 6:57:09 AM   
winspiritsbaby


Posts: 141
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fragilepieces

quote:

He gets angry easily, usually assumed others are out to get him
  For me this is a huge red flag for any relationship I have been in.     Suffice to say anger and dominance don't mix well together.  



I think it depends on how he controls the anger. If he has good control of his anger and uses the proper outlets to release it, then it doesn't really matter too much, but I would worry greatly if he takes it out on his partner (I don't use the term sub, because I think they both have a lot to learn before they can call themselves Dom/sub), or if he is just inclined to bottle it up.

I agree with what Nocturnal says. Maybe set the BDSM aside for awhile and work on your relationship and his anger issues. Then take some time and discuss what you both really want and the best ways to achieve it.
Good luck!

(in reply to fragilepieces)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 7:09:32 AM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

He gets angry easily, usually assumed others are out to get him and never has any initiative on ideas. So it's usually that when we've tried to set aside time to play, I'm always having to give him the ideas. Always.

It gets a bit exhausting, especially because I have no experience and am looking for it. He won't share, even if I were to find a dominant who could train me in a non-sexual arrangement. So I'm a bit stuck.

In the past I've suggested that maybe we could restrict our D/s interactions to the bedroom but that turned into him just demanding sex and getting pissed off if I said I wasn't in the mood, claiming that I was going back on my wanting to be submissive. I know, it's a giant clusterfuck. Heh.


Why are you with someone who gets angry easily and is parinoid? And you want to throw D/s into your mix as well? Lady - you are barking up the wrong tree.

Thats all you need ... some guy to tie you up, get angry in the midst - and possibly take his anger out on you (hurt you), and then get parinoid, think the cops, mafia, fbi, aliens - are gonna come and get him, takes off ---> and then leaves you tied up and hurt for god knows how long.

Recipe for disaster.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 9/21/2011 7:10:46 AM >

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 7:58:41 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Well Arwyn, the source of your perdicament is pretty clear. Your boyfriend isn't really a Dom, he's just pretending for you because the idea makes your damp in the panties. And you're not really a sub, you're just pretending for the sake of those damp panties as well.

Give it up, it will cut down on both the stress in your relationship and your laundry load.


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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 8:36:42 AM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

quote:

He gets angry easily, usually assumed others are out to get him and never has any initiative on ideas. So it's usually that when we've tried to set aside time to play, I'm always having to give him the ideas. Always.

It gets a bit exhausting, especially because I have no experience and am looking for it. He won't share, even if I were to find a dominant who could train me in a non-sexual arrangement. So I'm a bit stuck.

In the past I've suggested that maybe we could restrict our D/s interactions to the bedroom but that turned into him just demanding sex and getting pissed off if I said I wasn't in the mood, claiming that I was going back on my wanting to be submissive. I know, it's a giant clusterfuck. Heh.


Why are you with someone who gets angry easily and is parinoid? And you want to throw D/s into your mix as well? Lady - you are barking up the wrong tree.

Thats all you need ... some guy to tie you up, get angry in the midst - and possibly take his anger out on you (hurt you), and then get parinoid, think the cops, mafia, fbi, aliens - are gonna come and get him, takes off ---> and then leaves you tied up and hurt for god knows how long.

Recipe for disaster.


This.

I think you two need to address a few issues....

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 12:38:12 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

The guy sounds like a bit of a jerk, but you also sound like you're trying to sabotague any effort he makes at being dominant.
This......


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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 1:02:58 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Hi Arwyn,

Welcome.

I do think you two have some underlying relationship issues.

However, when my ex husband and I were new to BDSM, we got inspiration from books like "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns," and from going to munches, local events, and private parties.

Best,

KK

(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 1:19:10 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You folks need to put the bdsm on hold and work on establishing a healthy relationship. Which you don't have. He has anger management issues, you are probably responding in a passive aggressive way.

But in general, if he doesn't ever initiate anything, if he doesn't lead the relationship then he isn't dominant. He views a sub as someone who will give a blowjob whenever he wants one without realizing that the dominant has responsibilities also. You can't submit because he can't dominate, he can't dominate because you can't submit.

I have to ask, what do you get from him that makes it worthwhile staying in the relationship. Anger and paranoia aren't positive traits ime.


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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 5:18:55 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		He's probably angry all the time cuz he ain't getting no pooty.

Shit woman, the definition of a bedroom sub is one that does what you want, in and of the bedroom. There ain't any, "I'm not in the mood." Cripes. I wanted to hear that, I'd get a girlfriend, not a sub/slave.


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RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 6:12:15 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig
..........  and your laundry load.


Well, that's easily solved.  Tell her to skip the panties.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/21/2011 6:30:38 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Well, that's easily solved.  Tell her to skip the panties.



This.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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