Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: For my boyfriend.


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: For my boyfriend. Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 4:11:29 AM   
Arwyn89


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/21/2011
Status: offline 		Hey guys, thanks for everyone replying.

I definitely need to clarify a few things I think.

quote:

He gets angry easily, usually assumed others are out to get him and never has any initiative on ideas.


Someone mentioned in a reply about him getting paranoid over aliens or something. He's not like that. It's more of when he loses something, he'll rant about how of course that person got it, they probably cheated, etc. He has absolutely never been violent towards me but I understand the concern behind what has been expressed. He mostly just curses a lot and I've never seen him actually really, really pissed off. I think that when I said that in the original post I was ranting a little bit, definitely not the place or very nice of me.

quote:

In the past I've suggested that maybe we could restrict our D/s interactions to the bedroom but that turned into him just demanding sex and getting pissed off if I said I wasn't in the mood, claiming that I was going back on my wanting to be submissive.


I said all of that entirely wrong. We have struggled with how to separate the time between being equals and me being his submissive. I suggested that perhaps we could just do some roleplaying or what have you while being intimate. The instance that I was referring to, he caught me completely off guard and tried to initiate sex but I really, really wasn't feeling well and so I kindly said that I wasn't in the mood, because I wasn't feeling well. It wasn't until after he realized he wasn't going to get any that he started to act dominant and claimed that I wasn't submitting to him. Under no circumstances was it something like I entered into a scene with him, he issued a command and I looked at him and said 'I don't feel like it.' It wasn't anything like that. That would be completely counter intuitive to what I'm wanting.

I would love to being able to stop giving him ideas and let him lead but he just isn't doing it. He just gets mad and says there's no point in trying to dominate me because I didn't listen in the past. There were a few times when he had given me chores to do (per my suggestion mind you) that I slept late or didn't get them done. Only once did he do anything about it and it was just a spanking. I've never been given clear rules on anything nor has there ever been a point where he has laid out times or expectations. *Edit: I also wanted to add that I really do, genuinely want to please him. I want to make him proud of me, proud to be with me and I really do want to make him happy, provided he just give me more opportunities to do so.

He has a habit of quitting things when he can't be perfect at them, or know exactly what he's doing. I sort of feel like that may be what's going on here. He doesn't know what to do and so he just quit trying. He has told me before that he is dominant and wants to be MY dominant and so I want to push him towards that goal. Ultimately I'm wanting to do what's going to make him happy. Right now he seems content with how things are so perhaps I should just give up.


< Message edited by Arwyn89 -- 9/22/2011 4:35:51 AM >

(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 4:45:02 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		While I appreciate your clarification, I'm going to let you in on a little something.  Anytime I see, "I said this but I really meant that," it tells Me that somebody might just have some piss poor communication skills.  Case in point, why didn't you tell him you weren't feeling well rather than not in the mood?  Had it been Me, that would have made all of the difference in the world.

You've got two issues here that are just compounding the problem.  You've got a guy who doesn't follow through when he can't live up to perfection.  At the same time, you've already decided what he should be to fit the role that you have in your head as "Dominant".  You've got an expectation in your head of how he is supposed to dominate you.  There's an old saying that goes 'an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen'.  At least one of you, if not both, need to stop that right now.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you were My sub, I would most likely tell you to kneel in front of Me while I explained to you that I would be doing things My way.  Not the fantasy that you've got in your head, not the way other people do it.......  My way.  Frankly, if you didn't like that, we'd be going back to vanilla.  I'm either in charge or I'm not.  There is no in-between.  That includes you telling Me who I *have to be*.

I think the two of you need a long talk.  I would suggest that you present to him that you will stop doing these things that I've mentioned above and I want you to mean it.  If he sees that you stop pushing, he might just lead.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 5:12:47 AM   
Arwyn89


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/21/2011
Status: offline 		I definitely realize now that there were better ways to go about what I said.

Just now I asked him if he thought we could start role-playing again sometime soon (we haven't done anything in months), he just said 'I guess, if you want to, it's up to you. Don't see the point, you never listen and you don't submit.' So I just said that it's hard to submit when he doesn't lead. He just repeated again that there was no point and left for work, didn't say much to me. I didn't think it was possible to feel so down after such a small conversation.

I would love to have the chance to do things his way, he just doesn't seem to want to bother anymore.

I'll try to talk to him about it tonight but I'm a bit afraid I'll get the same reaction as I did just now, which is the same as it's been previously. It just hurts that he won't give me another chance, I feel like it's entirely all my fault.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 5:28:53 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Get thee to a local event where you can see other couples interacting.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 9/22/2011 5:29:08 AM >

(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 6:07:30 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arwyn89

I definitely realize now that there were better ways to go about what I said.

Just now I asked him if he thought we could start role-playing again sometime soon (we haven't done anything in months), he just said 'I guess, if you want to, it's up to you. Don't see the point, you never listen and you don't submit.' So I just said that it's hard to submit when he doesn't lead. He just repeated again that there was no point and left for work, didn't say much to me. I didn't think it was possible to feel so down after such a small conversation.

I would love to have the chance to do things his way, he just doesn't seem to want to bother anymore.

I'll try to talk to him about it tonight but I'm a bit afraid I'll get the same reaction as I did just now, which is the same as it's been previously. It just hurts that he won't give me another chance, I feel like it's entirely all my fault.

Dear, you do understand that I am trying to help you, yes?

Part of it is your fault.  (Not that I like assigning blame.)  However, you really can change that. 

Here is what I would want in your situation:

I would want a girl who would make My arrival back home to be a pleasant one.  Not a trap laid, but someone who welcomes Me into the home and is there to please Me.  Give the man a few minutes to decompress from his day.  Respectfully ask if you might discuss an issue.

When you do, present your hopes to him in a clear, concise manner.  Remember, this is about baby steps.  Maybe, just one night of fun in the bedroom.  Now, allow Me to clarify.  This is not a demand.  It's an option.  It's not about your time frame or your way.  Open the door to do so as it pleases him.  It's not going to be tomorrow and maybe not even next week.  In this, you are submitting to him, even if it means that you wait.  This takes the control out of your hands and puts it in his.

When the time comes, your job is to SUBMIT.  What man wouldn't want such a lovely girl at his feet?  Do everything that you are told.  Rock his world.  Let him see what it is like to control you.  Give him the pleasure of power over you.  I suspect he will quite enjoy it.

From there, you're off to the races.  The role playing nights will become more frequent.  It will be fun and the exploring will take off.  All you have to do is step aside.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 6:55:03 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		LadyPact pretty much hit things on the head. I have to say though, you don't seem very happy with the guy. It just comes through in what you write of him, so I'm not sure why you're so invested in making this work when it seems as though there is a basic  incompatibility.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 8:15:48 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

Don't see the point, you never listen and you don't submit.
He's absolutely right, you say he won't lead, that's because you don't follow. Look, you say you want to submit, then submit.

How you ask?

Easy. Shut the fuck up and do what you're told.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 9:09:04 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
There ain't any, "I'm not in the mood."


Unless you get off on seeing your partner cum. If so, then her not being in the mood is valid. Because he can get his, but he can't do forced orgasm if she can't orgasm.

And honestly, his anger is probably why she can't get aroused.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 9:13:45 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 9:24:34 AM   
Mr4sg


Posts: 99
Joined: 9/2/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

While I appreciate your clarification, I'm going to let you in on a little something.  Anytime I see, "I said this but I really meant that," it tells Me that somebody might just have some piss poor communication skills. 


Absolutely not. It rather shows an understanding that in hindsight words can be interpreted in other ways as originally intended.

It has more to do with tailoring the message to the understanding capacity of the reader. A writer realising that a message should be wrapped in different words has great communication skills as the writer can adapt communication to be better understood.

Poor communication skills would be the writer responding with: you are an idiot, you dont understand, or "ad hominem" attacks.

Clarification of statements makes for improved communication !

_____________________________

Don't argue with idiots. It lowers you to their level where they beat you with experience.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 9:40:58 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		he shouldn't have to reprimand you. He shouldn't have to do anything at all.

You should simply do.

Yeah it is that easy. Be a good girlfriend. Do the chores, get up when you have to get up. Don't be telling him you're not in the mood. If you don't feel well tell him you don't feel well and let him decide what he wants to do.

Don't give him ideas. Don't push him to be a dominant. Just do.

Clean the house, do the dishes, help out wherever you can, iron his clothes, make him dinner, rub his feet. Don't wait to be told, don't wait for him to "dominate" you.

Be an attentive partner.

You may find that by doing this he may actually be more proactive towards your submission. Until that happens he's just gonna look at you and thinks "why bother. She doesn't listen to anything I say anyway" because apparently you don't.

The way I've read what you've written, you seem to be the one who wants to be in control by telling him what to do and how to act. You want him to indulge you in your fetish which is fine but that's not submission.




_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Mr4sg)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 9:54:03 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		But...but...that takes effort!!

He's supposed to dominate her damn it, so why do you expect her to do anything but lay back and be dominated.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 9:58:41 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

But...but...that takes effort!!

He's supposed to dominate her damn it, so why do you expect her to do anything but lay back and be dominated.


well it's obviously not working for her....


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 10:03:41 AM   
wolf223


Posts: 89
Joined: 3/4/2011
Status: offline
You have several problems here first neither of you have defined
or have shared your expectations between yourselves.
Second between you you have a defensive dynamic going
he is reluctant to dominate because he isn't seeing you submit.
You aren't submitting because you don't see him as dominate.
  He has anger trust issues and probably resents all of the above.
As for his dominants you can't teach it to him he either has it
or not. On the other hand you can lead him to express it better.
You are a 22 year old woman studying sociology I shouldn't
have to tell you how to seduce a man. Make you lives together
a series of seductions so he feels right expressing dominates.



(in reply to Arwyn89)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 10:13:17 AM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		OP ---->

The jist Im getting from you is that you are looking for him to be "naturally dominant" " instead of him "being led" into it. You are wanting a natural dynamic, that just isn't naturally there.

You are trying to force it. - I dont see this as a submissive trait.

quote:

Someone mentioned in a reply about him getting paranoid over aliens or something. He's not like that. It's more of when he loses something, he'll rant about how of course that person got it, they probably cheated, etc. He has absolutely never been violent towards me but I understand the concern behind what has been expressed. He mostly just curses a lot and I've never seen him actually really, really pissed off. I think that when I said that in the original post I was ranting a little bit, definitely not the place or very nice of me.


This guy sounds like he has a hard of enough time controling himself ... let alone you want him to have control over you?

quote:

I would love to being able to stop giving him ideas and let him lead but he just isn't doing it. He just gets mad and says there's no point in trying to dominate me because I didn't listen in the past. There were a few times when he had given me chores to do (per my suggestion mind you) that I slept late or didn't get them done. Only once did he do anything about it and it was just a spanking. I've never been given clear rules on anything nor has there ever been a point where he has laid out times or expectations. *Edit: I also wanted to add that I really do, genuinely want to please him. I want to make him proud of me, proud to be with me and I really do want to make him happy, provided he just give me more opportunities to do so.


I dont see these as dominant traits - at all. Or on your part submissive traits. In fact, not even close.

quote:

He has a habit of quitting things when he can't be perfect at them, or know exactly what he's doing. I sort of feel like that may be what's going on here. He doesn't know what to do and so he just quit trying. He has told me before that he is dominant and wants to be MY dominant and so I want to push him towards that goal. Ultimately I'm wanting to do what's going to make him happy. Right now he seems content with how things are so perhaps I should just give up.


Once again ... I dont see him portraying dominant traits. Quitting things because of not being able to do them perfetctly? (The image that comes to mind, is a two year old trying to color in the lines and when they cant, they have a fit.) If he has to tell you that he's dominant ... well that right there alone is a red flag, that the person is NOT dominant, but has to verbally convince the other party and remove any doubt that they are something that they are not.

So you having to "want to push him towards him being YOUR dominant" ?? C'mon now .... did you read what you wrote?

I dont think that there are the dynamics here for what you want. What this sounds like is two playmates together - one wanting to "play" cowboys and indians, and the other reluctantly playing along .. the one, setting up the rules and telling the other how to play their character. He obviously isnt into role-play.

Simply put, ------> The times he HAS done it, he's doing it to PLEASE YOU, (submitting to your wishes/fantasies) and mostly: He don't wanna play pretend, HE AINT INTO IT.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 9/22/2011 10:38:49 AM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 1:31:56 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		I'm agreeing whole heartedly with LadyPact, you seem to have this pre-defined idea in your head, this course outlined with activities for you to do... it's suppose to be the other way around.

Instead of expecting him to have your day planned for you and micromanage you (that is exhausting btw, I don't know anyone who much enjoys micromanaging their sub day to day), why don't you plan your own day, plan your own activities, and ensure those activities at some point include doing nice services for him. Maybe he'll be inspired to lead you gently... if you show him you have the patience to sit at his feet and wait until HE is ready to lead you.

You can't rip up someone's confidence in themselves and then expect them to just get over it in a few days.

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 1:46:11 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mr4sg
Absolutely not. It rather shows an understanding that in hindsight words can be interpreted in other ways as originally intended.

It has more to do with tailoring the message to the understanding capacity of the reader. A writer realising that a message should be wrapped in different words has great communication skills as the writer can adapt communication to be better understood.

Poor communication skills would be the writer responding with: you are an idiot, you dont understand, or "ad hominem" attacks.

Clarification of statements makes for improved communication !

Incorrect.  Here's what I'm getting from the writing.  (Paraphrasing here.)

Him - I want sex now.

Her - I'm not in the mood.

Him - You do not submit when I tell you to and it's what we agreed on.

She didn't say, "no because I'm not feeling well".  She told him that she wasn't in the mood.  That's poor communication because she didn't tell him what the real reason was.  That is what caused the problem and sandbagged his attempt at Dominating her in the bedroom.  She went back later and told him the real reason, but the damage was already done.  Or, are we reading two different threads here?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Mr4sg)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/22/2011 3:48:23 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		The OP claims to be submissive but on her terms ... Guess what it doesn't work that way.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/23/2011 8:27:57 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

The OP claims to be submissive but on her terms ... Guess what it doesn't work that way.

BadOne



That.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: For my boyfriend. - 9/23/2011 8:36:37 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Buy him a cattle prod. He can use it to make you 'feel' like it. Kill two birds with one stone.

Hey, seriously OP? If you two don't know what the fuck you are doing, go slow.

Get thee to a FCUKIN MUNTCH (a munch (meet and greet)) and hit some demos, and talk, talk, talk, talk, talk..............

There are all sorts of good books out there, hey, and people will gladly list them.

We even have some of these authors on this site.



< Message edited by mnottertail -- 9/23/2011 9:35:49 AM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: For my boyfriend. Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094