Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Subs can you shed some light


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Subs can you shed some light Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 1:21:53 AM   
Rokobilli


Posts: 18
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline 		I was curious to learn. What is it that drives you to love your Doms so much that you would do everything you do for them. What is it that makes you want to be trained and disciplined by them and have rules set by them that you are willing to follow so easily. Is that something that you have to learn to like or does it come naturally to you. The reason I ask is because I have tried to be a sub but I cannot bring myself to want to obey anyone regardless of any punishment or rules set I simply cannot bring myself to allow anyone to have any power or control over me why does it seem so easy for all of you? 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 1:29:06 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Maybe you're looking for the wrong kind of dynamic. Not everyone has a punishment dynamic. I do, and it works for me. I used to have a relationship where failure to do whatever was dealt with through discussion and hugs and stuff and it drove me nuts, and eventually drove me away. I like the absolute of "fuck up and you take the punishment". That's how I'm wired.

Having said all of that, I don't go into a relationship with a Dom - I go into a relationship with a man. I always start of very 'nilla, and when I'm as sure as I can be that it could grow into something more, I'll start with the D/s stuff.

I obey because it's important for me to do so. The man I'm with inspires me to do so. There have only been a handful of men who have had that effect on me, so when I find a man I respect, love and want to obey then I stick with it. But it did take me best part of a decade to find the right one for me...lol

If you feel in your heart that being the submissive in a relationship is what you want/need, then I'd say date more. Be choosy and wait for the one who inspires you to kneel.

It's not easy, but it is fulfilling and I can't imagine a relationship any other way.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 2:20:39 AM   
Rokobilli


Posts: 18
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline 		How do you know if you are a Dom or a sub?

(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 2:50:48 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		maybe since you have found that you don't respond well to someone expecting obedience of you, you can conclude that you're not interested in submission in practice? is it a fantasy for your, or were you trying it because you thought you had to? (note: there is nothing wrong with fantasies.) if it was a fantasy, sometimes fantasies don't translate to real life, and that's okay. and maybe even sometime down the line, you'll meet someone else who the fantasy will work with.
if you felt like you had to -- some people believe that you can't effective be a Dom without spending time on the other side of the slash -- not everyone agrees with that line of reasoning, and you can be a perfectly effective Dominant without that experience.

if you're just trying to find out about yourself and your proclivities, whether or not you're D or s, well maybe you have. :)

to me, being submissive is something i found natural to my personality. not to say that i don't struggle with it at times, or feel weird because of it at times. i had sexual fantasies where the male was the aggressor for a long time, but i didn't really try BDSM or carry the submission stuff into real life until my first relationship. as myotherself mentioned, that person inspired me to act on it. his personality and mine interacted in a way where it was normal, natural, and i didn't feel silly for it. =p that was when i realized just how much it fulfilled me, even though i'd had the leanings for years and years.

that relationship started off completely vanilla, but it evolved as we got to know each other and how we related to each other. he had more experience than i did, so he intro'd me.



_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 3:19:09 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		First ask yourself what made you "try" to be a sub to begin with. Was it an interest in the kink? Fantasies?

As others mentioned, maybe you aren't a sub or you haven't found the right partner. That' ok. Maybe you are more domninant. That's ok. Maybe you just like the BDSM during sex. That's ok, too.

No matter what the answer is, even if you find you don't like any of it and want missionary sex once a week on Saturday nights, it's all good. Enjoy the ride figuring out what works for you.

(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 3:29:17 AM   
oneluckysub


Posts: 47
Joined: 7/26/2010
From: Chicago
Status: offline 		I knew that submission was for me from a very young age. It is easy to me because it makes sense.

I have always enjoyed taking care of people and making sure their needs have been met. I enjoy it even more when I am taking care of someone whom I care greatly for. I have always been attracted to dominant, take charge kind of men so discovering D/s relationships was a natural progression that I discovered after another failed vanilla relationship.

My submission to another person is how I balance my life. Without it, I become crabby and almost anxious because the rest of my life takes over. I have a high stress, high power job. I am great at it and would not change it for anything as I love what I do. I am the go to gal that fixes everything and is the one with all the answers. In my home life, I am the easy going, laid back time. I found that in relationships I need to have someone else take the lead. I need to have someone else tell me what to do with rules and consequences for failure to abide by the rules. I am not into pain and punishment for pain and punishments sake though so I do my best to follow the rules. Plus I dont want to disappoint the rule setter for my failure to follow his commands.

As for the kinky sex part, well that is awesome also.

Giving control of my entire being to my Dom is the most satisfying experience tI have ever had. Knowing that I can trust him to do things to me or have me do things to/for him is amazing to me. Being with someone who takes me to a place where time stops and I am at my most peaceful, its what I live for. Its easy for me to submit because my heart and soul seeks submission like moths to a flame.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 5:38:22 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rokobilli

I was curious to learn. What is it that drives you to love your Doms so much that you would do everything you do for them.

He's hot.
quote:

What is it that makes you want to be trained and disciplined by them and have rules set by them that you are willing to follow so easily.

He's hot.
quote:

Is that something that you have to learn to like or does it come naturally to you.

Came naturally with him.
quote:

The reason I ask is because I have tried to be a sub but I cannot bring myself to want to obey anyone regardless of any punishment or rules set I simply cannot bring myself to allow anyone to have any power or control over me why does it seem so easy for all of you? 

It's easy for me because I'm submissive and I crave pleasing him. The best way to please him is to do what he says.

_____________________________



(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 7:00:05 AM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline
quote:

What is it that drives you to love your Doms so much that you would do everything you do for them.
Everything. The way she looks, the way she smells, the way she laughs, the way she thinks. The person she was, the person she is, how what she lived made her into that person. Her intelligence and courage, and compassion. Her sense of humour, her sense of honour, well like I said, her, just her, everything about her.

quote:

What is it that makes you want to be trained and disciplined by them and have rules set by them that you are willing to follow so easily.
See the above answer. Oh that and it makes me cum in my panties <assuming I'm wearing any>.

quote:

Is that something that you have to learn to like or does it come naturally to you.
Being turned on and orgasming? I liked that naturally, there is no effort involved.

quote:

why does it seem so easy for all of you? 
No idea whatsoever, maybe because it makes me cum, which is something I really like doing.

quote:

How do you know if you are a Dom or a sub?
Well if you like somebody telling you what to do you're probably a sub and if you like telling somebody what to do then you're probably a Dom. If you don't like either, you're probably neither.

(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 7:30:35 AM   
thursdays


Posts: 143
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline 		Heather's covered it.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 8:39:43 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We don't have a punishment dynamic, and I'm not obedience or service wired. My drive is to be completely known.

I don't submit in general, just to him because he merits it. He thinks things through and makes great decisions that deserve to be followed. There is no problem with my head and heart pulling in opposite directions.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to thursdays)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 8:48:19 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: Rokobilli
I was curious to learn. What is it that drives you to love your Doms so much that you would do everything you do for them.

When I am in a relationship, or even starting one I develop a desire to do what it takes to make someone happy.


quote:

What is it that makes you want to be trained and disciplined by them and have rules set by them that you are willing to follow so easily.

It is not always easy. But I am not locked in on only doing what is easy.


quote:

Is that something that you have to learn to like or does it come naturally to you.

It happens naturally when it does. If it is not right I don't do it.


quote:

regardless of any punishment or rules set I simply cannot bring myself to allow anyone to have any power or control over me why does it seem so easy for all of you? 

Once again, it is not always easy. I choose deliberately. I am not submissive to just anyone I have to want to please the one I am with. And by that I mean there is something about that person which, even in hardship, makes me want to see to their happiness and contentment.



< Message edited by Missokyst -- 9/27/2011 8:50:00 AM >

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 9:05:33 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I do it because I love him and because I'm a submissive personality in everything i do every single day of my life.

Why do you want to be a sub if you have no desire to be submissive to anyone? If it's not you then why bother?

I don't get why people want to be something they aren't.

Maybe you're not either a dom or a sub. Maybe you just enjoy kinky sex or pain. Nothing wrong with either of those. You don't have to be anything.



< Message edited by littlewonder -- 9/27/2011 9:08:23 AM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 9:07:47 AM   
Rokobilli


Posts: 18
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline 		It is not that I am trying to be something I am not. I did it to get an idea of who I am and how I would react to being a sub. I learned it was not for me so I moved on.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 9:11:15 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		We don't have a punishment dynamic, although we do enjoy "funishment." I do like to be of service. He's boggled that I actually enjoy picking up his dirty socks :)

Outside of the bedroom, we don't have training or discipline, but do break the household tasks into traditional gender roles, which fortuitously aligns with our strengths and inclinations.


(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 9:46:06 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		We also don't have a punishment dynamic.

I'm not a submissive person. I tend to be very alpha. That said, I found that when I'm with someone that is more alpha than I am, I feel comfortable being the submissive partner. I've also found that situation makes me the happiest. That said, there are very few men that I've met that bring that out in me. While love is certainly part of the equation, it's also about finding someone that fits into your gaps. My grandmother once told me that there is no such thing as a perfectly 50/50 relationship. In her view relationships are like puzzle pieces, they fill in where needed to lock in the picture.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 12:53:37 PM   
Back2theFuture


Posts: 183
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		I have to agree with the above consensuses, that not everyone works with the same mold.

Many people have the stereotypical view of what D/s is. Personally I blame bad BDSM fiction writers and unimaginative people who can't think outside the box.

If you don't work with the Carrot and Stick approach try something else.

IE: I don't care much for or really work well with the whole Denial&Chasity approach especially since I have HLS. That doesn't mean I am unfaithful to my Domme it just means we have to use a different system of controlling my sex drive.
So instead of denial of orgasms, we use the Milking and Multiple orgasm approach.

My point is....I dunno I forgot, so here are cute kittens doing something cute:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81844099/


_____________________________

　 ／l、
ﾞ（ﾟ､ ｡ ７
　l、ﾞ ~ヽ
　じしf_, )ノ

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 12:58:30 PM   
stoni23


Posts: 178
Joined: 1/14/2010
Status: offline 		Sounds like you like the idea of kinky sex where you are the one receiving things, but not so big on submitting completely. To me, it comes naturally. i don't have to make a conscience decision to submit, i just do it. i don't have to bring myself to do it, i just obey (sometimes lol).

In my personal experience viewing others, you can't force yourself to be submissive. You either are, or you aren't. It's really that simple. It sounds to me like being a switch or just have a kinky sex partner is more in line with what you're looking for.

_____________________________

Aren't we all just a little bit fake and a lot real?

(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 1:43:32 PM   
Hisprettybaby


Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I'm not one who likes to be disciplined. Daddy & I don't have a punishment dynamic where I get punished for every little thing. First, we discuss the whys and then what I'll do to avoid it in the future. THEN if I keep doing whatever it is, THEN punishment will come. That does not often happen, because I'm a smart girl and don't repeat what I know is bad behavior.

What makes me want to do everything for Daddy? I love him and I want to please him. At the same time, I'm a switch and I like having control over a sub of my own who wants to please me. I like the submission part I have with Daddy, but I also like having the control over someone else that I have with a sub of my own. Being on either side of the kneel can make me all tingly inside.

I was going to say maybe you aren't a sub at all. Or maybe you are either a switch or a Dom, but I checked out your profile and I see it says "Dominant" already.

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 2:05:16 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rokobilli
I was curious to learn. What is it that drives you to love your Doms so much that you would do everything you do for them.

You could ask the same question to partners outside of BDSM. What drives a person to love somebody that much? i dunno. For whatever reason, their partner just does it for them. Aside from that, many kinsters do scenes just for the sensation. Love doesn't always enter into the question.


What is it that makes you want to be trained and disciplined by them and have rules set by them that you are willing to follow so easily.

Why do you assume it happens easily? Discipline makes some people feel safe and secure. Others don't enjoy it at all, they simply enjoy making a sacrifice for someone they love. Some people submit easily. For others it's an effort. You may be romanticising submission. i doubt it's "easy" for most people.

Is that something that you have to learn to like or does it come naturally to you.

A little of both.

The reason I ask is because I have tried to be a sub but I cannot bring myself to want to obey anyone regardless of any punishment or rules set I simply cannot bring myself to allow anyone to have any power or control over me why does it seem so easy for all of you? 

Maybe you just haven't met the right person. Does fantasizing about submitting turn you on? On the other hand, maybe you're just not submissive. What makes you think you are? If you really don't like the idea of someone having control over you, then maybe this isn't for you. What attracts you to BDSM? If you don't like giving up power, do you like pain? What brings you here?


pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 9/27/2011 2:10:00 PM >

(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Subs can you shed some light - 9/27/2011 2:13:41 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rokobilli
It is not that I am trying to be something I am not. I did it to get an idea of who I am and how I would react to being a sub. I learned it was not for me so I moved on.


Why not try topping? See if that turns you on?

pam

(in reply to Rokobilli)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Subs can you shed some light Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109