Should I stop searching? A question of youth.

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wolvenreign -> Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 9:19:24 PM)
Hey all. Well, I've been searching for a play partner/submissive for a couple of years now. Being in Indiana, I don't really expect much, but I suppose I'm rather shocked about JUST how bone dry it is. My question is whether or not I should give up. I'm young at 22, and I've had a couple of responses to inquiries that say that they only want older men. That's hardly encouraging, and I admit I was tempted at first to generalize and say, "All these subs want is older men!". Truth is, though, I don't really know that. It does seem logical that it might be that way, though. Maybe submissive females really ONLY want older doms. Maybe it's just not feasible to expect to find a willing submissive at my age. To be perfectly honest and express my own sentiments on the matter, I find that rather...disappointing. It's just that I only am going to be young for so long, and have the sort of sexual and mental capacity that I do for a limited amount of time. Even worse in my case is the fact that my folks can't afford some rather necessary oral surgery, and because of that I'm going to spend the majority of my life in great pain. I mean, I just find it a shame, is all. I find myself becoming rather...erm, angry, at the fact that I may have to wait so long to get anywhere. I guess it's just internal sexual frustrations. Also, maybe I have this wrong. Maybe BDSM relationships HAVE to spring out of vanilla relationships. That'd also be kind of sad, since there's something fundamental that I despise about vanilla relationships. "Trust". Thing is, if all you're going on dates for is to ensure that you can trust each other, doesn't it sort of mean that you're basing the relationship and the journey to deepen it on fear? I could totally be wrong on this, but that is sort of what it seems like. Not to mention that it takes up so much time that by the time you try to convert, 6 more months or even a year could pass. And if you fail to convert, you're either stuck with something you never really wanted because of all the time you put into it, or you just really wasted a whole lot of time. I guess I'm just planning for my life, you know? I don't know what to expect, but I figure it can't be a waste of time to consider a little time management. Thanks in advance for your responses! Sorry for my general noobishness/possible youthful naivete.

DarkSteven -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 9:31:59 PM)
Um. If you try to catch fish using peanut butter as bait and you don't catch anything, do you quit fishing or use other bait? I'm trying to say that your approach isn't working. So try another one. I read your profile. Your first paragraph is the old "people are sheep" bit. The next two paragraphs just strike me as somewhat flowery and somehow soft. No gritty masculinity. The last paragraph says that you are more concerned about what your woman is wearing than anything else. Nowhere does it say what she may expect from you except wearing frilly stuff and diapers. Nothing about why you feel you're a Dom, or why she'll feel that you are. And I am absolutely gobsmacked that you think it's your parents' place to afford your dental surgery. Go get a job, and get some health insurance so you can pay for it yourself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think that if you act older, people will take you as being older.

coookie -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 9:36:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wolvenreign Hey all. Well, I've been searching for a play partner/submissive for a couple of years now. Being in Indiana, I don't really expect much, but I suppose I'm rather shocked about JUST how bone dry it is. I did a quick search and found 12, 666 kinksters in indiana on another site and i have known several people in that general area. A quick google search reveals that Indiana is not bone dry at all. Search Indiana BDSM munch and you will see what i mean My question is whether or not I should give up. I'm young at 22, and I've had a couple of responses to inquiries that say that they only want older men. That's hardly encouraging, and I admit I was tempted at first to generalize and say, "All these subs want is older men!". Truth is, though, I don't really know that. It does seem logical that it might be that way, though. Maybe submissive females really ONLY want older doms. Maybe it's just not feasible to expect to find a willing submissive at my age. To be perfectly honest and express my own sentiments on the matter, I find that rather...disappointing. It's just that I only am going to be young for so long, and have the sort of sexual and mental capacity that I do for a limited amount of time. Do you have something medically wrong with you or do you assume that in the next few years all of your essence will be spent and you will be a hollow shell like the rest of us over 30 Even worse in my case is the fact that my folks can't afford some rather necessary oral surgery, and because of that I'm going to spend the majority of my life in great pain. I mean, I just find it a shame, is all. Are they unwilling to do payment plans in the US? Perhaps you could get your own insurance through your work? I admit to being ignorant of the US health system I find myself becoming rather...erm, angry, at the fact that I may have to wait so long to get anywhere. I guess it's just internal sexual frustrations. Also, maybe I have this wrong. Maybe BDSM relationships HAVE to spring out of vanilla relationships. That'd also be kind of sad, since there's something fundamental that I despise about vanilla relationships. "Trust".umm what?? Thing is, if all you're going on dates for is to ensure that you can trust each other, doesn't it sort of mean that you're basing the relationship and the journey to deepen it on fear?I do not understand your line of thought here. Are you implying that bdsmers automatically trust one another? I could totally be wrong on this, but that is sort of what it seems like. Not to mention that it takes up so much time that by the time you try to convert, 6 more months or even a year could pass. And if you fail to convert, you're either stuck with something you never really wanted because of all the time you put into it, or you just really wasted a whole lot of time. You don't know the future with any relationship that you begin. It is about trust the ebb and flow of life. You could be with malibu submissive Barbie and end up not being into her I guess I'm just planning for my life, you know? I don't know what to expect, but I figure it can't be a waste of time to consider a little time management. Thanks in advance for your responses! Sorry for my general noobishness/possible youthful naivete. Good luck OP. Don't rush anything because you really do have a tonne of time

wolvenreign -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 9:40:06 PM)
Ah, well, as for my folks' paying for my dentistry, I can't really get a job at the moment, despite how many places I've applied to and the fact that I was working from the time I was 14 to when I was 19. In retrospect, I should have saved that money, but I spent it on silly things. Suppose I should've mentioned that I can't pay for it either. I'm trying to be a voice actor, since I have a voice that mirrors Don LaFontaine's. It's uncertain though, and I'll saying is that I only get to be young (and probably pain-free) once. And yeah, I wrote that stuff a couple of years ago when I was absolutely new to the scene. Thanks for the advice on that, I'll rewrite it with your guidance.

DarkSteven -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 9:41:50 PM)
You've been unemployed for three years?

wolvenreign -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 9:50:15 PM)
Ah, yeah, let me explain some of that stuff. The reason I say it's bone dry is because the submissive females who are available are generally over the age of 45. If you'll look around CollarMe or Fetlife, and maybe even go to some of the sloshes as I did, you'll see what I mean. And the females that are close to my age tend to not respond OR say that they're only into older men. Oh, or that they're already owned. This could be because of my profile thus far. Maybe it just doesn't catch enough attention. Yes, as mentioned, I do have something medically wrong with me that will, in time, fester rather rapidly. My folk's medical insurance, unfortunately and explicity, rules out oral surgery and any form of orthodontics. A shame. Suppose I could have fleshed out the part about trust a little more. What I meant is that it seemed to be based around fighting fear. Around the concept that we need to fear one another before we can possibly even consider being intimate. I know about safety and all that, but it still seems like a rather bleak foundation for something that's supposed to be so much about love, no? Well, it's really more of a pet peeve, I guess. Well, thanks for the reply and the luck. I think I'll need it, lol.

AdorkableAiley -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 9:52:25 PM)
I’m not so much hung up on OLDER as much a CLOSE to my age, I do prefer older but I have dated men a little younger in the vanilla side, but it hasn't ever amounted to anything I was really interested in. I have been approached by 22 year olds and always offer just friendship, I have a few friends around that age (mostly due to a large diversity in the people I pal around with and having younger siblings around that age,) but I have nothing romantically in common with them. I am not in the same place in my life as a 22 year old and I wouldn’t expect a 22 year old to be looking for the same things I am. You prove my point by saying your parents can't afford YOUR surgery... And you wonder why a sub would prefer an older man, an ADULT. You are 22 not 12 they shouldn’t HAVE to afford your dental surgery. I don't know many women that want a date a boy let alone submit to one. Grow up a little and start showing you're a man. It isn't age, so much that we are looking for, but maturity which unfortunately comes usually only with age, if a 22 year old could prove to me he was as mature as the 33 year old I am dating I may not ignore him (Though I am very happy with my 33 year old thank you so I would not be interested.) One has yet to be able to do that. Take Steve's advice on your profile, it's good and would go a long way in at least getting you some responses. Ailey

wolvenreign -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 9:53:10 PM)
Unfortunately, yes. I attempted a swing at college, only to have my folks inform me that I could no longer attend due to financial issues. (They're trying to move to Hawaii, though, oddly enough.) So now I'm 10k in the hole with no way to pay it back! Don't you just love money? I have some talent that MIIIIIIGHT pull me out of this (voice acting, internet marketing potential that I just can't seem to get right), or I could be in a homeless hell complete with agonizing mouth pain all the time forever. Don't know at this point. Only thing I can do is try.

wolvenreign -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 9:57:11 PM)
Well, it just comes down to the fact that I don't have a job right now, and that I probably misworded that in the post about my surgery. I was saying they couldn't afford it because I couldn't either, and I probably won't be able to afford it before the pain sets in. I'm just sort of lost right now, you know? It's an uncertain time in life, but at the same time, I really do want to experience being a dom when I'm young. Maybe it's just a fantasy, and it could never, ever happen. This is also sort of the reason I'm asking if I should just stop searching, lol. Maybe it's just not right of me to even try at a point that's so financially desperate. It's a shame, too, since it's such an outside force. I wouldn't be lazy for the sake of being lazy.

AdorkableAiley -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:08:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wolvenreign Unfortunately, yes. I attempted a swing at college, only to have my folks inform me that I could no longer attend due to financial issues. (They're trying to move to Hawaii, though, oddly enough.) So now I'm 10k in the hole with no way to pay it back! Don't you just love money? I have some talent that MIIIIIIGHT pull me out of this (voice acting, internet marketing potential that I just can't seem to get right), or I could be in a homeless hell complete with agonizing mouth pain all the time forever. Don't know at this point. Only thing I can do is try. Mommy and daddy didn't pay for my schooling; I made it all the way through my masters on part time jobs and a hell of a lot of student loans. Just the fact that you are putting the responsibility of YOUR life on your parents, at the age of 22 shows you aren't as adult as you may think you are. Trust me I wasn't an adult at 22 either but then I wasn't trying to take on the added responsibility of a sub when I couldn’t take responsibility for my own life... Ailey the educated

wolvenreign -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:14:17 PM)
Ah, I guess you're not familiar with Sallie Mae's "Parent Plus" loan? Oh yeah. My parents had to take out, same as me. And I couldn't go anymore when I offered to take out a student loan just on myself. I TRY to take responsibility for my own life, but my sense of agency is often met with one of these. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A ...Sorry, it really does seem like I'm leaving out a lot of details, lol. The fact that I said I was striving for voice acting and the like means I am trying to pull myself out of this. It's just looking a little bleak. It's a classic catch 22 scenario. You can't have money until you make money, and you can't make money until you have money.

Missokyst -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:28:28 PM)
I keep thinking that at age 22 I had 3 kids, a tiny hovel of an apartment and I was working selling stereo's and tv's, while I saved money to go to college. Comes a time where growing up means putting up with hardship. As far as giving up.. at 22? I don't see age as having anything to do with it. I did this younger with guys who were young as well. The thing was though, that we didn't peg this as anything different than any other relationship. I was a girlfriend. A very willing, compliant, perverted, girlfriend who liked men in charge. If you don't label it, it is just life. I wouldn't be giving that up at 22.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:30:43 PM)
Whatever you do OP, DO NOT saddle yourself with a bunch of student loans. I am a big believer in education, but I don't think any education is worth the enormous debt young people incur to go to college. People are bitching at you that you shouldn't expect your parent to pay for your teeth. Hell yes they should. They have already failed you once by not providing for your education. If they had, maybe you would have a job and insurance. Now you have medical issues and they aren't going to pay for them? Screw that, you are right to be frustrated. Now, have you thought of applying to the dental school at IUPUI, to see if they will give you some sort of pro bono dental work? They may do something like that. Also, it is all well and good for people to tell you to get a job with insurance. Maybe they haven't heard about the recession. Young people have been hurt by the recession as much as anyone, and will be feeling it longer. I imagine Indiana is not exactly easy to get a job in. My son just graduated from college, presents himself professionally and is a hard worker. He is looking for a job waiting tables and can't find one. So OP should just find a job? With insurance? Right. Companies hire people like OP part time so they don't have to pay insurance, if they hire them at all. As far as finding a sub, OP? Well, it may not be a good time for you to start a relationship. And your idea about dating is just plain wrong. Sure hope you aren't some scammer, and you are being truthful.

AdorkableAiley -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:32:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wolvenreign Ah, I guess you're not familiar with Sallie Mae's "Parent Plus" loan? Oh yeah. My parents had to take out, same as me. And I couldn't go anymore when I offered to take out a student loan just on myself. I TRY to take responsibility for my own life, but my sense of agency is often met with one of these. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A ...Sorry, it really does seem like I'm leaving out a lot of details, lol. The fact that I said I was striving for voice acting and the like means I am trying to pull myself out of this. It's just looking a little bleak. It's a classic catch 22 scenario. You can't have money until you make money, and you can't make money until you have money. I had exactly one parents plus loan for the cost of less than one semeseter, the rest were all government loans. You need to talk to the schools financial aid, it can be done, I did it and I went to private schools. The end number isn’t pretty but it’s no worse than anyone else that I went to school with or any one of my peers that has obtained the same level of education as I have. Sallie Mae is a blood sucker but I got 3 degrees and 2 licenses through my schooling and never once had to use Salllie Mae, you would be surprised how much money the government is willing to loan you to go to school (well its not really the government loaning it but they are backing it up.) Ailey

LanceHughes -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:38:12 PM)
Young man...... let's see... you're now 22, that means born in 1989, right? I got into the scene when I was about 26-27. I found a mentor, I suggest you do the same. Kinda surprised no one has said "Get thee to a munch." When I was 30, I had a boy of 65! Age has little to do with BDSM relationships. Get some experience, get some confidence, get some MATURITY! As to the dental problems - One of the ABSLOUTELY most difficult things I ever had to do was going to Denver County Health Services and declare myself "indigent." Their slogan is "Level One Health Care For All." I don't know resources in your area, but at least do some research. Another possible route is SSDI - Social Security Disablity Insurance. Still in school? School health dept. University Hospital here is a teaching hospital with a national reputation. Find local teaching hospital. ETC! Put your mind to finding solutions so that you don't have time to look at your long, dark tunnel that you describe. And, btw, NONE of knows what life has in store for us. I had no idea that I'd be hit from behind on city streets by a DUI at 70 MPH and pushed across the street and crash through the Cadillac dealership windows ! ! ! As one of my friends says, "Always the dark place. You always go to the dark place." Yep, he's right - and then once I've seen it, I say to myself, "Self, let's see what we can do about NOT having that happen." Can you get a "Champion" in your voice field? Someone who says - "We have got to get this fixed"? Sounds like you need a friend. Oh, and btw, not too many people (sub or not) would enjoy the prospect of having an always-in-pain man in their lives. I'm not saying hide it, I'm saying get it fixed.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:42:09 PM)
Oh, another thing. I recognize many of us struggled financially to go to college, but at least it was remotely affordable. The state schools in my state, and I am sure in other states too, have raised tuition around 17% per year for the last few years, and they weren't that cheap before. Funding for education got cut hugely, most colleges endowments are down because of the stock market and they can only make it up by cutting costs and raising tuition. Higher education is a rich man's game now, unless you are willing to fuck up your life by going in debt 50 to 100k. No young person should enslave themselves like that. The reason OP can't pull himself by the bootstraps like some of you are saying you did is because things have changed. I think you should have a strong talk with your parents,OP. They have an obligation to give you a good start in life and they have failed.

AdorkableAiley -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:46:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet Whatever you do OP, DO NOT saddle yourself with a bunch of student loans. I am a big believer in education, but I don't think any education is worth the enormous debt young people incur to go to college. People are bitching at you that you shouldn't expect your parent to pay for your teeth. Hell yes they should. They have already failed you once by not providing for your education. If they had, maybe you would have a job and insurance. Now you have medical issues and they aren't going to pay for them? Screw that, you are right to be frustrated. Now, have you thought of applying to the dental school at IUPUI, to see if they will give you some sort of pro bono dental work? They may do something like that. Also, it is all well and good for people to tell you to get a job with insurance. Maybe they haven't heard about the recession. Young people have been hurt by the recession as much as anyone, and will be feeling it longer. I imagine Indiana is not exactly easy to get a job in. My son just graduated from college, presents himself professionally and is a hard worker. He is looking for a job waiting tables and can't find one. So OP should just find a job? With insurance? Right. Companies hire people like OP part time so they don't have to pay insurance, if they hire them at all. As far as finding a sub, OP? Well, it may not be a good time for you to start a relationship. And your idea about dating is just plain wrong. Sure hope you aren't some scammer, and you are being truthful. I'd rather be sattled with the loans I have then have no education at all. I got a good education and yes I have student loans to prove it but that is the price I pay for the path I chose to follow. Ailey

wolvenreign -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:47:45 PM)
I had already checked my options, and Sallie Mae absolutely refuses to lend me enough money to go another semester without my parents signing a loan of their own. And my parents won't do it. Heh, sorry, not just trying to be stubborn. That's truthfully how much of a rut I'm in. I would've liked to be a computer scientist. Guess that's not happening. =/ I'm studying Java at home as it is, but I have no idea whether or not that'll go anywhere. I suppose the conclusion of this is that I shouldn't be looking for a sub. It is kind of sad, though. Oh, and on the side, (and you may find this funny), I have been to a play party before. Everyone one else was getting some, but I was left rather...alone. The farthest I got was to rub some old woman's tits for half an hour while she talked to someone else during the whole thing. Acted bored and left to go get a spanking. Gah, makes me think it's this place. There's just something about it which drives young'uns like me away. Maybe it's the sports bars and churches around every corner. (They're more common than McDonalds, and Indiana is America's second fattest state) Maybe it's the fact that there's nothing interesting to do or see. Maybe it's the huge, HUGE focus on sports (all I ever hear about from my fellow Hoosiers is "Duhhhh, Go Colts!". Grr.) Maybe it's because no one wants to spend the rest of their lives in this rathole. Well, anyway, this has gotten kinda-sorta off topic. My apologies.

AdorkableAiley -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:48:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet Oh, another thing. I recognize many of us struggled financially to go to college, but at least it was remotely affordable. The state schools in my state, and I am sure in other states too, have raised tuition around 17% per year for the last few years, and they weren't that cheap before. Funding for education got cut hugely, most colleges endowments are down because of the stock market and they can only make it up by cutting costs and raising tuition. Higher education is a rich man's game now, unless you are willing to fuck up your life by going in debt 50 to 100k. No young person should enslave themselves like that. The reason OP can't pull himself by the bootstraps like some of you are saying you did is because things have changed. I think you should have a strong talk with your parents,OP. They have an obligation to give you a good start in life and they have failed. I only just graduated last year I KNOW all this, I lived through it but I did it anyway because it was what I needed to do. Ailey

domincalifornia -> RE: Should I stop searching? A question of youth. (9/29/2011 10:49:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wolvenreign Maybe submissive females really ONLY want older doms. Maybe it's just not feasible to expect to find a willing submissive at my age. Reality check time: What a sub wants is a dom who is confident and knows how to take control. You may likely not find a willing submissive right now because you really have no idea what to do with a submissive. You aren’t a dom, you’re just another horny kid who wants some kinky sex. Right now everything about you screams "me me me" and the reality is you get a sub by focusing on her needs, wants and desires. And the simple fact is right now you probably don't know how to do that. You probably need experience -- which means finding someone vanilla and growing slowwwwwwwly with them or first being submissive yourself.

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