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Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 11:11:04 AM

babytriplove

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I'm in a vanilla relationship, with a man my age, who does not want to have sex right away. we've been together for 2 months. this isn't my main worry, my worry is that after we start having sex, how do I explain or show what I'm really into when it comes to my turn ons and turn offs. I don't want to waste my time and emotions, getting to like or love this man if my sexual needs and desires aren't going to be met, or even thought about. and I'm terrified that he will be freaked out when or if I do tell him. and would anyone consider it wrong, to keep my vanilla life completely seperate in this situation and just be safe with a master on the side? :/

Post #: 1

RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 11:12:51 AM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Do you think dishonesty is wrong? If you are okay with lying, then go on ahead.

If you can enter into a relationship WITHOUT telling the other person what you're about, if you think that it's a good idea, then okay. Who knows, maybe he is keeping his own secrets and playmates on the side too.

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 11:16:27 AM

babytriplove

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I don't WANT to be dishonest. don't get me wrong, it would be fucking amazing to have him naturally be a dom for me. but it doesn't work like that. and not everything is an easy fix as to just be honest. the vanilla world is filled with prejudice against the bdsm community.

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 11:17:26 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Then why be with a vanilla person AT ALL? I gave up vanilla men many years ago, it is NOT fair to someone to expect them to magically become something they are not.

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 11:18:42 AM

babytriplove

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that makes sense then, im very new to bdsm, so i still have a lot of questions on what's right and wrong.

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 11:20:08 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Right and wrong don't change because you are adding kinky activity to the mix. Right and wrong are even MORE important when you are dealing with things that require a lot of trust and understanding.

Kink isn't like euchre night, we're not going off to play cards.

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 11:52:55 AM

ProlificNeeds

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Just sit down and have 'the talk' the.. 'where is this relationship going?" talk. Tell him if it's getting serious he should know a bit more about your tastes and what you're looking for. D/s is about more than just sex for some people and should be presented honestly once you know you want to work on a longer relationship with the individual.

I mean really, why would you keep it a secret? If he's not going to meet your needs, who cares if he goes running for the hills?

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 12:36:42 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Then why be with a vanilla person AT ALL? I gave up vanilla men many years ago, it is NOT fair to someone to expect them to magically become something they are not.

This ^

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Post #: 8

RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:26:34 PM

babytriplove

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thank you prolificneeds. finally nice to hear a good response, not telling me in a rude way.

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:27:02 PM

lunaticlorraine

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Joined: 4/3/2011
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Personally I would be upfront about it.
I had a online domme, and then entered a real time relationship (Neither lasted but thats not the point) But when I entered into a real time relationship I was honest with both about the other. My Domme didnt mind, and after a lot of explaining about polymorous lifestyles my real time partner was okay with it too.
This is simply what I would/have done.

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Post #: 10

RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:29:54 PM

babytriplove

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hmmm Luna. that's what I think I want to do, but its really hard. i guess I just gotta try to build up the confidence for it first.

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:31:25 PM

RaspberryLemon

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Joined: 7/18/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: babytriplove
would anyone consider it wrong, to keep my vanilla life completely seperate in this situation and just be safe with a master on the side? :/

Morality is subjective. That being said, my answer is YES. That is incredibly wrong. Dishonesty is wrong. Just because you are into BDSM does not mean cheating is suddenly not an offense (mind you, sure there are people that have multiple partners, and that's fine when everyone involved KNOWS about it and ACCEPTS it--it's when you are going behind someone's back that you are doing something wrong.)

That being said, as ProlificNeeds mentioned, just be open with him and have a talk. Tell him about what you want/need from this relationship. Don't be worried. If he is not what you are looking for, losing him and moving on is actually a good thing. And who knows, maybe he will reciprocate the way you want things, or if not, maybe he will be fine with a compromise? The only way you can really be sure about this/solve your dilemma is to talk with him about it.

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:32:45 PM

xxblushesxx

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From: Kentucky
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I didn't see any rudeness directed toward you. (believe me, you'll know it when it happens!)

Newcomers to this site may confuse bluntness and straight talk with rudeness; after all, don't many of us avoid "rudeness" in real life even at the expense of the truth?

In that vein, you really should have a talk with this potential mate. What turns you on, may scare the carp out of him. Or, it may be something he's always fantasized about!

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:37:49 PM

DomMeinCT

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quote:

ORIGINAL: babytriplove

hmmm Luna. that's what I think I want to do, but its really hard. i guess I just gotta try to build up the confidence for it first.

Would you rather push through the difficulty of bringing it and talking about transparently, or end up deeper in a relationship where you find you don't meet each others' needs?

That difficulty broaching the subject will seem MUCH easier than if you do it later.

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:38:07 PM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
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From: The Great Northwest, USA
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I am a little older than you, so keep that in mind. I am also seeing a man who is pretty vanilla, but it is a perfect relationship for me in every other way. I feel so fortunate. I found it very hard to tell him about my sexual tastes, but he has been remarkably enthusiastic. IN fact, he seems to consider himself lucky to have a GF who not only suits him in vanilla ways, but is also kinky. He is making an effort, both to keep me happy AND because he seems to enjoy it..
My point is that you can't assume things about people. If he is truly someone you care about, then it is worth having the discussion, regardless of why you are reluctant to do so. Are you embarrassed? Are you afraid you are going to lose him? Those are not good reasons to hide who you really are from someone you are considering as a life partner (assuming that you are).
I also know, from bitter, bitter experience, having someone secretively on the side doesn't work. It is better to be an honest person than a dishonest one. Cheating poisons your relationship.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:39:21 PM

babytriplove

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/24/2011
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well thank you (:

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Post #: 16

RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:45:41 PM

babytriplove

Posts: 15
Joined: 3/24/2011
Status: offline

iamsemisweet, I'm not judging him but by the way he's acting. if it takes 2 months or longer, for him to have sex with me, then he has more of a chance at being vanilla, esp since we live together. its just an odd pickle I've gotten myself into. eh but cheating isn't the answer, but being with him might not be either.

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Post #: 17

RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 1:55:41 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babytriplove

I'm in a vanilla relationship, with a man my age, who does not want to have sex right away. we've been together for 2 months. this isn't my main worry, my worry is that after we start having sex, how do I explain or show what I'm really into when it comes to my turn ons and turn offs. I don't want to waste my time and emotions, getting to like or love this man if my sexual needs and desires aren't going to be met, or even thought about. and I'm terrified that he will be freaked out when or if I do tell him. and would anyone consider it wrong, to keep my vanilla life completely seperate in this situation and just be safe with a master on the side? :/

I can understand how you feel this to be a dilemma, especially since you are both postponing
any amount of sexual expression. The positive that I do see here is the amount
of self control he is already exhibiting by not having sex right away.

If you feel nervous about approaching this topic with him, perhaps leave subtle hints around.
Buy the book "When Someone You Love Is Kinky, and leave it where he can
see it. Make comments if you see something on tv or in a movie that excites you.
There are many ways you can lead into this conversation without having to say
" I cant wait for you to tie me up and fuck me like the dirty little whore I am".

Also, it won't matter one bit whether anyone here thinks its wrong for you
to have someone on the side or not, because we wont be the one experiencing
the hurt and/or loss of trust. I think its best that you allow him an opportunity to
be the man you hope he is.

*edited a gazillion times for faulty formatting*

< Message edited by poise -- 10/7/2011 2:02:02 PM >

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RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 2:03:16 PM

babytriplove

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Joined: 3/24/2011
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poise. that's the best advice I've gotten. I fully feel the same way.

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Post #: 19

RE: Advice, sub to sub. - 10/7/2011 2:06:31 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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Finding someone to have kinky sex with is the easy part.
Finding a quality man to experience it with .....not so much.
I wish you both the best of luck.

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When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

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Post #: 20

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