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Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 9:28:09 AM

Lockit

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I don't want to hijack another thread but because of things said on the thread, wanted address some things.

Many seem to think that if someone doesn't have sex within a certain time frame, say a couple of months, that there is something wrong with the person or new relationship or that they just weren't into the person. Someone went so far as to say that if in two months they hadn't had sex with them, that they were vanilla. I think this implies that those into bdsm are much easier to get into sexual things and thus would give credence to those that come here thinking people into bdsm will give out quickly.

Is there something wrong in waiting for sexual things? How long is too long? Who decides?

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 9:30:44 AM

GreedyTop

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I dont tink there is ANYTHING wrong with waiting.. if it suits all parties involved.. and I sure as hell dont think it has ANY bearing on if soemone is nilla or not..

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 9:45:33 AM

LafayetteLady

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I agree with Greedy. How long you wait has nothing to do with your proclivity towards or against kink. At this point in my life, I'm in no hurry to jump into a sexual relationship before developing the other important things necessary for a relationship to work.

I do find, however, that men, both kink and vanilla seem to want to jump into sex and see if a relationship can be built from that. I say men because as a heterosexual, that's what I come across.

On the other hand, in reference to the thread you didn't want to hijack, I do think that before a couple actually moves in with each other, they should be past the "getting to know you stage," and should be sexually involved. Unless, they are planning on on abstaining until marriage, in which case, they probably wouldn't be living together first anyway.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 9:47:50 AM

GreedyTop

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*agrees with LL*

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 9:50:02 AM

myotherself

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I'm the one who decides when I'm ready to have sex. I used to go with the 'sooner rather than later' thing, then find I wasn't really into the guy as much as I thought in the initial euphoria of the new relationship wore off. It caused a great deal of grief in a couple of cases.

So now I hold off until I'm totally sure I want to be with that person for the medium/long term. It might take a couple of weeks, it might take a couple of months. But if he's serious about me, then he's going to have to wait.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 9:53:39 AM

Lockit

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I agree. It did make me wonder though, if people thought two months was too long to wait for sex because some of the comments that were made and I wasn't sure if they were factoring in some of the facts of that situation or might feel this way about any situation.

I do have to say that most the men that have ever made a point of telling me that they get closer to a woman after sex, never wanted more than sex. The same with guys that said... let's just see what happens. I do agree you do get closer after sex, but I don't wish to base my relationships or someone liking me better because of sex. I am not having sex to get someone to like me more! lol There have been men that fell in love with me without sex... that you can really trust in, unless they have a denial kink. lol

I will have sex when I am ready and know we will grow closer and do believe in a flow of things and not jumping into a relationship or sex, but... it is that flow I am looking for and it doesn't happen because of sex.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 10/8/2011 9:55:00 AM >

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:03:26 AM

xxblushesxx

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Nope. I was gonna say something over there, even had the answer all typed out and then just deleted.

I do that a lot these days...

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:07:49 AM

MissImmortalPain

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Is there something wrong in waiting for sexual things? How long is too long? Who decides?

No there is nothing wrong with waiting. Infact there is nothing wrong with never having sex ever.

If I'm dead I would rather folks leave my body alone so I view death as having waited to long.

It's my body so I decide.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:12:26 AM

kalikshama

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I think people who place a high importance on having sex will tend to have it sooner, and those who feel otherwise, whether due to their belief system or simply because it is a lower priority, will be more likely or willing to wait. Either types can be kinky or vanilla.

I personally like to have sex right away and am not interested in men who would value me less because they didn't have to chase me.

(in reply to Lockit)

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:19:47 AM

OsideGirl

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Master waited for two months for me to comfortable having sex and BDSM.

I pretty much told every guy I met that there wouldn't be sex until I felt that comfort level. Since kinky sex involves things that can be dangerous...I needed to be able to trust him when I'm helpless.

I had also made some mistakes in the past when my genitals had done the thinking and woke up about a month later going "oh shit". Chemistry does not equal actually liking someone.

With Master, there was a a variation on those reasons. We had been friends for three years before we dated. I knew I liked him. I knew I trusted him. But, there were two concerns: 1) He's a hardcore sadist and I'm not a hardcore masochist up to his level of play. 2) He was a slut. Even he said he was a slut. He dated everyone, I dated one person for the 6 years before him. As much as I liked him, I wasn't interested in being a notch on his bed post.

So, we dated and he let me move at my own pace. Some mutual friends were having a play party at their house and had invited us. It was at that point he asked me if I was comfortable enough to share a hotel room. He respected my feelings on the situation and thought I was worth the wait.

I think it worked out pretty well.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:21:09 AM

xxblushesxx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I think people who place a high importance on having sex will tend to have it sooner, and those who feel otherwise, whether due to their belief system or simply because it is a lower priority, will be more likely or willing to wait. Either types can be kinky or vanilla.

I personally like to have sex right away and am not interested in men who would value me less because they didn't have to chase me.

I've jumped right in, and I've waited for long periods. Sex is extremely important to me, so one does not necessarily follow the other.

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(in reply to kalikshama)

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:29:23 AM

HannahLynHeather

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quote:

Is there something wrong in waiting for sexual things?

no, i don't usually wait, but there's no fucking reason why one can't if you want to.

quote:

How long is too long?

it depends entirely on the situation. it varies from person to person, with some it could go for months, with others its over if it goes more than a few fucking days. its all dependant on the circumstances.

quote:

Who decides?

i do, who the fuck else?

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:35:24 AM

Kana

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Grins.
She wanted, nay, begged, to have sex the first night.

I declined, for lots of reasons, some of which include:
1-I'm the guy in charge. We have sex on my terms, not hers. This established that right out of the gate.
2-I control my dick, not the other way around, which wouldn't be so important except
3-I had told her I don't fuck on first dates. Had I given in to her pleading, I would have thrown my integrity out the window and let her know exactly who and what I was. By not fucking her when she wanted it, I established that I wasn't just a guy looking for a quick piece of ass. Not fucking built credibility, that I'm a man of my word. It also let her know, in ways no words ever could, that I am a man capable of controlling my own desires, which nurtured trust.
4-Aw hell, it's just great to see a woman beg. And to be frank, most women aren't used to being denied sex when they want it-It's always fun watching how they react.
5-I'm just cruel that way. Yeah, I know, I'm a fucked up bastard. :-)
6-She had previously mentioned that she sucked at begging, which, when put to the test, turned out to be false. She just really hadn't had a good reason to beg for a while. She's a whole fucking lot better now, BTW. She's the Pavarotti of pleading these days, especially since she hasn't been allowed to cum in about a month.
7-As Mae West once said, "Always leave em wanting more."

I should also mention here that, if I like a gal, I am a proponent of pretty quick play/sex. Why not? We've spent time establishing compatibility via message, phone, then in person. I don't want to waste a ton of time and then find out we are incompatible in sex/play/kinks/interactions.

< Message edited by Kana -- 10/8/2011 11:09:39 AM >

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:50:35 AM

Lockit

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Loving all the answers so far! I just had to come back and laugh a bit! Kana!

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:52:09 AM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

5-I'm just cruel that way. Yeah, I know, I'm a fucked up bastard. :-)

and this is a news flash.. how??

LOL

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:54:38 AM

MissToYouRedux

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

7-As Mae West once said, "Always leave em wanting more."

This. My timing, my terms.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 10:59:43 AM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Is there something wrong in waiting for sexual things? How long is too long? Who decides?

Judging by the thread you are referencing, it is apparent that there could
possibly be something wrong with waiting, even if it's only the fact that the
waiting is leading her to believe all kinds of scenarios.

I'm of the "Open my soul before you open my legs" fan club.
Yet, in the course of a growing relationship, if all else was forming well and
I started feeling that sexual pulse, yet he wasn't, I would think we veered off in
opposite directions somewhere along the way, and I'm sure I could be capable
of imaging a hundred different reasons as to why.

What could further complicate this scenario is that I would never be the one to
initiate the first moment of intimacy, and I may feel awkward communicating my
desire to have him ravish me.

Soooo, in answer to your questions, yes, something could be wrong, the
time frame is chemistry specific, and he has the final decision.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 11:08:38 AM

Hisprettybaby

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Is there something wrong in waiting for sexual things? How long is too long? Who decides?

I see nothing wrong with waiting for awhile. How long is up to the two people. In reference to the other thread, IMO they should've had sex before moving in together, but that's just me. As for who decides, I decide when I will start having sex. If my partner insists on having sex now and I don't want to, well, I don't know who s/he will have it with, but it won't be me. Of course, if we're not exclusive, that would be no problem. If we ARE exclusive....BIG problem.

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to Lockit)

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 11:20:18 AM

HeatherMcLeather

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If I'm interested in somebody I expect to have sex within a few days, maybe a week at most.

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RE: Sex/kink expected within a time frame? - 10/8/2011 11:35:35 AM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Many seem to think that if someone doesn't have sex within a certain time frame, say a couple of months, that there is something wrong with the person or new relationship or that they just weren't into the person.

And said "many" are retarded. As with anything else, there are lots of factors in when two decide to do The Tube Snake Boogie -- the people involved, the circumstances, trust, comfortability, past issues, etc.

quote:

Someone went so far as to say that if in two months they hadn't had sex with them, that they were vanilla. I think this implies that those into bdsm are much easier to get into sexual things and thus would give credence to those that come here thinking people into bdsm will give out quickly.

1. The time involved, i.e., "two months" or whatever, is meaningless.

2. As stated in that other thread, too many BDSMers have some fucked-up, even condescending view/definition of "vanilla". Once more, I DON'T define "vanilla" as someone who's never been involved in (or exposed to) BDSM/The Power Exchange Dynamic, but rather, someone who'd both (i) has zero interest in it, and (ii) would REJECT someone they were otherwise interested in who had BDSM/Power Dynamic interests.

3. As to the "easier to get into sexual things" comment, that's likely true of NEWBIES to the Power Dynamic, where they frequently send common sense packing when it comes to BDSM (a combination of both stupidity and sub/slave-frenzy) -- but certainly NOT true of those who tend to be more experienced... at least on the femsub/femslave side... can't speak to other dynamics, as I'm familiar enough with them.

quote:

Is there something wrong in waiting for sexual things?

No.

quote:

How long is too long?

No set time-frame.

quote:

Who decides?

Both do, else it's RAPE... it's that whole "consent" thing and all.

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